Takes

Winning a foot race against your girlfriend is a lose-lose situation

I don't care how much gloating she was doing before the fact if you beat your girlfriend and a foot race, and then you're like, yes suck it bitch. I'm faster than you. That's probably going to end your relationship. So you almost have to throw it.

The mockery of NFL Combine hand size measurements has gone too far; it actually matters for quarterback performance.

I think the pendulum has swung so far into mocking combine season. I actually hate it now... It might not directly correlate, but would you not rather have a guy with a bigger hand than a smaller hand? There is absolutely a benefit to having a big hand if you're trying to grip a football in the rain or cold.

In the modern NFL, having a transcendental offense is better than having a very good defense.

I'd say that having a transcendental offense is probably better usually than having a very good defense because it's extremely hard to put together all the pieces on defense... just one of those easy things to just be like, 'Hey, we want to have an explosive offense.'

If Zion Williamson is truly 300 pounds, he is the most impressive athlete of all time.

If Zion is 300 pounds, he's the most impressive athlete of all time. He's doing this as a 300-pounder... Better numbers than rookie LeBron. It's incredible watching him.

I can sense the 'aura of success' or failure in a person before they even speak.

I can actually tell now when they step out on that carpet... and at that moment I can sense their aura. And I know exactly whether we have winners or losers. They don't even have to say anything. I'm right a hundred percent. I can now at this point sense the aura of success or losers.

Madison's stance on Peter sleeping with other women is normal for real life but irrational for The Bachelor.

In the normal world, the problems that Madison have where it's like, 'Hey, we might be getting engaged next week, I don't want you sleeping with other girls the week before we get engaged,' that is normal. In The Bachelor Cinematic Universe, you know what you signed up for. What are we doing here?

UFC has ruined my brain for watching boxing

I have a take that UFC has kind of ruined my brain when it comes to boxing... I watched that fight and I was like why the fuck isn't he submitting him? Like, why isn't he taking him to the ground? Why isn't he kneeing him in the face? It's just there's a level of violence in the UFC that you expect when you see a fight and you're like I was sitting there watching like why isn't Fury just sit on him.

Pay-per-view shamers need to get a life

You pay per view shamers. I see you you guys get get a fucking life the people who pre complain about the fight there like I'm not going to buy the fight because probably the last like three rounds and the undercard sucks. It's not about the fight. It is about the fight but it's also about the experience of buying the pay-per-view and being like, holy shit.

Brad Stevens being too nice to referees hurts the Celtics

Brad Stevens like his face and the fact that he treats refs was so much respect hurts him because if he just raises his voice a little he gets a technical foul. That was a bullshit technical foul. What kind of just calling a technical foul with a minute left in the game is also who does that?

The Heat, Thunder, and Nets are the most forward-thinking NBA organizations

I look at you know, you got to look at the Thunder I They've done a good job the Nets on the obviously getting KD and Kyrie. I think a lot of the Nets is situation has to do with creativity but also information... Indiana. I think has a great kind of culture already set... I like what Miami is doing right now.

Jim Boylen uses timeouts to delay the inevitable loss because he's a football guy

I think Jim Boylen is so disgusted with losing. He is a football guy in a basketball guys suit. He's so disgusted with losing. I think he uses timeouts the end of a game to literally stop time to delay the inevitable loss. I got you like he can basically say look, it's almost like it's almost like the end of Sunday Night Football when you're like, I don't have to go back to work.

Short guys wearing high heels is an alpha move compared to wearing lifts

If you wore lifts in your in your shoes. That's a clown move if you were heels, that's a I'm so confident in myself. I don't give a fuck. It's an alpha move, right? I will dress up as a woman Checkmate and be six feet tall Checkmate.

All screenwriting books are absolute bullshit

I just said for the fuck of it one day: All screenwriting books are bullshit. All of them. Read screenplays, watch movies, and let those be your guide... if you have to go to a Radisson for a seminar, it's fake. It's fake.

You only learn a commissioner's name if they have fucked up

If you learn a commissioner's name it's because they fucked up at some point. It's like learning the name of an offensive lineman or a referee in football.

A third of the NFL franchises don't actually care about winning a Super Bowl

There's probably no joke like a third of the NFL just doesn't want to do it. They just want to be in the NFL and it's like 75 percent of baseball that really doesn't care about that either... hire smart people, step away and run it like a professional franchise.

Jose Altuve's 'unfinished tattoo' excuse for not wanting his jersey ripped off is a cover for steroid-induced back acne.

No, it wasn't a tattoo. I was just embarrassed because I had a ton of bacne from all the steroids I was taking. Reframe the conversation. Type of cheating... the cheating that's allowed.

The Chicago Bulls would have won the 2012 NBA Championship if Derrick Rose hadn't suffered an ACL injury.

If Derrick Rose doesn't go down... I think we're holding the trophy. We're the best team in the league. We got the job in my mind still to this day. There's no question. Nobody was fucking with us.

Justin Bieber's 'too bad' DM to Ria on Valentine's Day was a 'flirty' response.

He just like it was in one of those Twitter moments... and her tweet was in there... so he said what do you say to her? Too bad. Too bad. That's a little flirty.

American athletes are superior to Europeans in every sport

I think just for the record, if Europe's listening to me, America has superior athletes to Europeans. That's just a fact. We just do. Every single one of them is better than every European in every sport that any European has tried to play.

The NBA All-Star Weekend is ruined by gimmicks and 'LeBron-ification'

The LeBron-ification of the NBA really is actually the John-ification because he's terrible at drafting... And the Three-Point Contest has a four-pointer now. It's like, what is this Ice Cube-ification? I feel like an old man yelling at a cloud... It's not my NBA.

No one is in a committed relationship at the Jersey Shore during summer

Here's the thing about the Jersey Shore is you fall in love with clubs. You don't fall in love with other people... No one's in a relationship at the Jersey Shore, or inside of a Real World house.

Andy Dalton is a better quarterback than Jimmy Garoppolo

I was going to say Andy Dalton greater than Jimmy G... If they [the Patriots] had Andy Dalton, they probably would be winning as well.

The Phillie Phanatic is the best mascot in sports

Phillie fanatic... is hands down the best mascot in sports. I love him... I met him out of his suit in Clearwater at spring training... Respect.

The atmosphere at Audi Field for the DC Defenders was better than any Redskins game in the last 20 years

I'm going to say like the atmosphere in DC at Audi Field was better. It was more fun than any Redskins game that I've been to in the last like 20 years.

1917 was a better movie than Parasite

I did like 1917 more, but Parasite was just as good. Like it was one of those—let the record show, 1917 was better.

Russell Wilson looks like a baby caterpillar dipped in Vaseline in his latest photoshoot

[Russell Wilson] looks like a baby caterpillar, those fuzzy baby caterpillars dipped in Vaseline.

The 2019 season was the first time I wasn't having fun playing football

Yeah, that was the first time I'd say I really wasn't having fun playing football. So for me, it's getting back to square one of I love the game of football. I'm going to make it fun. And that's how I play my best.

U.S. NFL players would dominate Olympic Handball within months

You play a sport that if we decided to stop playing all the other sports, there would be a lot of guys better than what you're doing. ... If we were to take our best NFL players and put them in rugby uniforms... we would be much, much better. ... I'm not saying that I would be a gold medal handballist. I'd be probably a top pro. [Baker] his arm is better than any handballist's arm.

Alex Ovechkin will officially be better than Wayne Gretzky after he scores his 700th goal

And Ovi just scored his 700th goal. ... I'm predicting. I'm going to be at the Caps game on Saturday night. I'm going to see him score two more goals. And then it's going to happen. Now he's officially better than Wayne Gretzky. Perfect.

Always bet against cold-weather teams when they play in Miami

I've had a long-standing theory that any team from a cold-weather city or a city that's going through cold weather whenever they go to Miami bet against him. Yeah, of course and I mean, it's doubly true when you can see you can literally go on Instagram and see them at the game having a great time.

The Jaguars are only playing back-to-back London games to pay for a stadium renovation in Jacksonville

What's actually happening is the Jaguars are doing two games back to back just so that they can have enough money to totally redo their stadium in Jacksonville... Better Fan Experience... Listen honey, I'm not I'm only having sex with this other woman so that she can teach me new ways to not make you come right?

Fortunes are made by creating products that make people say 'why didn't I think of that' combined with luck

The biggest fortunes are made with two things something that somebody does where everybody says fuck why didn't I think of that and then you need a little bit of luck... I made a shitload of money because I was lucky to stock market was happening.

General Managers and Owners should be allowed to call timeouts from the booth

By the way, I think that owners and general managers should be able to call timeouts from the booth. I think that'd be great, a nice little addition to the game. Just get in the game.

The 49ers offensive pass interference on George Kittle was a 'bullshit call'

The only thing that we should also mention then is that the George Kittle pass interference was kind of a bullshit call.

Michael Wilbon's 'Lordy' tweet was just a way to hide that he was horny online

That Lordy is, I got my pants out. I got my pants off, and I'm cranking it right now. That Lordy means shit. Like, Michael Wilbon was undressed when J-Lo started bouncing her booty around.

Coach K yelling at Duke fans is a great example of leadership and loyalty

I think it was a recruiting thing, and I think if you're a prospective player and you see that, you see a coach that fights for his guys, even if they're on the other team, that is a great leader. It was because of loyalty. It's a brotherhood for life, and that's a great example of showing that.

You aren't in your mid-30s until you're 36

I'm just going to make a motion that your mid-30s doesn't start until you're 36. You're in your early 30s when you're 35.

Brad Davison has taken the mantle of most hated player in college basketball from Duke

Wisconsin basketball is officially more hated than Duke this year. Brad Davison up to his old tricks with a nut shot last night. I think Brad Davidson has taken the mantle of most hated college basketball player this year, which usually is reserved for the whitest guy on Duke.

Kent Sterling's take on Cubs fans being 'sluggish' for getting hit by foul balls is trash

Chicago Cubs will protect fans too stupid or sluggish to avoid foul balls by extending nets... This guy sucks. This guy is trash... He basically saying he wrote this entire article to brag that parents are capable of protecting kids because he did it once.

The NBA should have canceled all games on the day Kobe Bryant died

I think [the NBA] should have canceled the games today because of what he meant everybody in the league. It seemed like Kobe had some sort of influence on every single team... it felt like one of those things where the the whole league was like sleepwalking.

Bryson DeChambeau worries too much about angles and should just play golf

He does like the compass and the he does like all the math behind his shots. Just go out and shoot the ball, dude, maybe if you stop thinking about it, you'd be like Brooks [Koepka] and wind shit... You worry too much about angles buddy.

I actually prefer blocking to catching the ball

I like blocking a lot like my favorite thing... when it's play call is like, all right, you're just going to go just throw some people out of the club. You're like fuck. Yes. Let's go.

Claiming a bad system or bad teammates ruined your career is just an excuse

That sounds like excuses to me. I mean, you got to figure it out, right? If you really have an obsession to figure it out. You will figure it out, right and every puzzles constructed differently... You just got to figure out Your own puzzles.

The greatest feeling in the world is hunting and catching a human being

Hemingway said that the greatest thing in the world is to hunt another human being and catch him. So that's the greatest feeling you could ever have.

Truth serum would fix the American justice system

Hit him with truth serum for $69.50. You find out everything. So I think that is real justice. And we don't do it enough. Because the lawyers got to make money, the courts have to make money... let's get down to the real nitty gritty. Hit him with that and find out what's really going on.

Rapists almost never commit suicide

All rapists do not commit suicide. A person that does, shot someone else... Rapists are sissies. They like that feeling when a girl [says] 'please, please, please don't.' I've arrested a lot. And they will not most of the time kill themselves. No, he [Epstein] didn't kill himself. Somebody hung his ass.

The Baseball Hall of Fame is erroneous without Barry Bonds

The fact that Barry Bonds isn't in the Hall of Fame makes the Hall of Fame completely erroneous to me. Or Roger Clemens. Barry Bonds is the best baseball player of all time. He should be in the Hall of Fame.

Andy Reid is a better coach than Bill Cowher

If Bill Cowher's in the fucking Hall of Fame, Andy Reid should be in the Hall of Fame. Andy Reid's way better of a coach than Bill Cowher. I'm sorry, but that's a fact.

George Kittle is the best tight end in the NFL

Best current tight end in the league. Travis Kelce or George Kittle. It's Kittle. Greg [George] Kittle. It's definitely Greg [George] Kittle.

The Bears ruined Mitch Trubisky

Actually, Will Brinson had a hot take... that if Mitch Trubisky got drafted by the Chiefs and Patrick Mahomes got drafted by the Bears, Mitch Trubisky would be better than Patrick Mahomes. So it's an institutional failure, which I actually agree with that kind of. Bears make every quarterback shit.