Takes

The five-foul limit in college basketball is terrible and needs to be changed

I hate the five fouls in college basketball. Suck. They need to fix it.

UNC's Luke Maye has the weirdest voice in the world

Luke Maye might have the weirdest voice in the world. Have you heard him talk? He's like if Jason Aldean was in Bone Thugs. It doesn't work. When I watch him talk and I listen to him, he gives me a stroke.

Rob Gronkowski is the greatest tight end in NFL history

Greatest of all time? Tight end? Not even a question. Greatest tight end of all time. Gronk is the first seven [PFF single season grades]. So basically every single year. He was amazing.

The Motley Crue movie 'The Dirt' is ten times better than Bohemian Rhapsody

Motley Crue is also back... They put out a Netflix movie. I know Queen Bohemian Rhapsody won all the awards. This was like a 10 times better of a biopic movie. All sex, drugs, rock and roll.

I am canceling Orange Vanilla Coke and will never drink it because of the excessive advertising

Orange Vanilla Coke I saw seven million times, and I hate it. I will never drink an orange vanilla Coke. I am canceling orange vanilla Coke.

PFT Commenter looks like a greasier version of Post Malone

You look like a greasier version of Post Malone. He looks like he stinks worse than garbage. He looks like a New York City street.

Tom Izzo's coaching intensity is acceptable and challenges players to battle through adversity

I think that there's a line and [Tom Izzo] didn't cross it... he challenged you. There were some days where I'd go home and I'd have higher anxiety... but it turned me into the person I am today. You have to go through things like that... if you want to be coddled it's going to be a very tough life ahead.

Fighting is dead in hockey because social justice warriors have taken over and influenced the league

Fighting is dead in hockey... all these social justice warriors have kind of taken over and directed the league in a certain way. I feel bad for league officials... because it's just a constant barrage of people bitching about everything.

I would rather take punches to the face than block shots for a career

I would rather take punches to the face than have to block shots as a career... I'd like to take punches to the face rather than block shots. I was one of those guys where I just didn't like doing it, and sometimes I would flamingo.

I would perform a sexual act with a cat for two million dollars if no one found out

If no one was to find out, a couple sheets... a couple sheets, $2 million, and Hank would fuck a cat? Raw dog, too.

LeBron James' physical therapist's deleted Instagram post was a calculated excuse for his poor season

[LeBron's] physical therapist put out an Instagram that immediately deleted it... Classic LeBron. To just put it out there, let everyone know that he actually was dealing with a way worse injury, but then have it deleted... this was the ultimate excuse, just a very well-planned excuse.

Darren Rovell's brand is being the guy who 'forgot' to fill out a bracket

Darren knows brands. And my suspicion is he realized at the very last minute that his brand is being the guy that doesn't fill out a bracket and tells you that he didn't. And so he was like, it'd be bad. It would just be a bad change of pace.

Jamarcus Russell had a stronger arm than Josh Allen

I watched him [Jamarcus Russell] throw. I was like, holy hell. That dude had the strongest arm I've ever seen. I know you guys are big Josh Allen fans. I'm a big Josh Allen fan. Jamarcus Russell had a stronger arm than Josh Allen.

Joe Thomas's draft day fishing story was staged

Joe Thomas. He didn't even go to the draft. Yeah, exactly. He was fishing. Which is the biggest BS... There's no way that boat got that far off the dock before it came right back. I just thought, I was like, this had to have been staged. Because either A, you're getting so far out, you don't have cell phone reception. Or B, it wasn't going to time out... I think he got [the fish] from the supermarket. They just put it on the boat.

Tim Tebow's inaccuracy was caused by over-thinking his mechanics after constant criticism

The problem is the biggest thing is if no one told him his throwing motion was messed up, he'd probably throw the ball with so much more confidence. What happened with him is... everyone started doubting him and his ability to like actually be accurate... if you're already thinking that before you throw the football, game over.

The MLB retiring Ichiro at 7 AM in Japan is the worst way to stay relevant

Way to Stay Relevant Baseball, having one of the most liked superstars in the past probably 50 years retire at 7 a.m. when no one was watching in Japan... And on top of all of that, I actually woke up and... I went to Twitter to try to find some clips. Well, another one, MLB. I forgot. No one can tweet any clips from your product. So I couldn't even see Ichiro's last thing until you uploaded it on yourself. So good job, MLB.

John Beilein is the best pure X and O coach in college basketball

I actually think the best pure X and O coach in the tournament is John Beilein. Because even though everywhere he goes, they do better than they should, he never has guys that are super talented... as a pure coach, he's the best in the country.

Bracket regions should be named Top Left, Bottom Left, Top Right, and Bottom Right to be standard across all websites

I don't like [the pod system]. Let's make it standard because my biggest problem with March Madness and the whole bracket system in general is it's usually not standard across all the different sports websites out there. It should be called top left, bottom left, top right, bottom right. Make it easy for me.

Conference championship games on Selection Sunday do not matter for NCAA tournament seeding

Everyone thinks that the conference championship games matter a ton, but if you think the committee... The committee's just like us. They're fucking lazy. They're not going to sit there and watch the Big Ten championship and be like, well, now we've got to change everything we've done all weekend. They filled it out. They're ready to go.

A football league with two of Johnny Manziel, Tim Tebow, or Colin Kaepernick will attract massive viewership

They're starting to approach my theory, which is if you can get Johnny Manziel, Tim Tebow, Colin Kaepernick, any two of those three, if you have two of those three quarterbacks in your league, people will tune in in droves to watch it.

You cannot actively tank in the NFL because players won't buy in

I actually think the NFL, you can't really actively tank. You can't say before the season we are trying to lose because it's such a hard league to stay in for the players. And if the players know that, it's all going to fall apart very quickly.

Basketball players just need to play basketball, regardless of injury risk

This is basketball. It's not football. It's not any of these other sports. Like, basketball players need to play basketball... LeBron, that's what all these players, even Blake Griffin said it himself. You have to play to play. It sounds dumb saying it out loud. You've got to play.

Michigan's student section is the toughest and most ruthless in the Big Ten

Probably Michigan State. They're kind on top of you at the court. Or Michigan. Michigan, the fans are – I don't know what it is about their student section, but they're, like, ruthless. Like, they'll talk about my mom. They'll talk about acne. They'll talk about whatever it is, just to try and get into my skin.

Zion Williamson is the closest thing to LSU-era Shaquille O'Neal in terms of physical dominance

I've never seen anything like him. The closest thing I can remember to Zion is when Shaq played at LSU. And not in terms of how good a player he is, but just the cartoon character nature of this kid's physical dominance.

Raphael is the best and only cool Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I'm a Raphael. Raphael was the bad boy who April had a crush on... Raphael was the one who would always get them in trouble because he was such a badass. Raphael was the one, he was like the guy who kind of, the straw that stirred the drink.

Rich people are the last people who need college degrees

I think the worst part about this, and it reinforces something that I think a lot of people already know, is that if you're rich, you are the last person who needs a college degree. It's somebody who's very poor that would find value in having the degree.

No joke is truly offensive because the intent of a joke makes it benign

There's a big kind of intellectual theory around this about benign violation and the idea that no joke is offensive because it's a joke. Because as soon as you put it in that space where you go, okay, it's cancer... But as soon as you make a joke about it, you put it into a space where you go, it's benign. It's actually, it's okay, and it's got no power over us.

Individualism is a relatively new and terrifying concept for human beings

We've never been more connected... And the reason podcasts, I think, are so huge is because people are desperate for conversation... We're built to live in tribes... The idea of individualism is comparatively new and terrifying. It just doesn't work for human beings. We feel incredibly alienated.

NFL RedZone has 'ruined' the traditional way of watching football

No, Red Zone actually made it better. It's unbelievable, but it's ruined football. No, I agree with you. Have you ever tried to watch a football game having seen Red Zone? Yeah, it's tough. You should go, wow, this is boring... your brain has just become this like... Touchdown, touchdown, touchdown. Every single play has got to be a big play.

Antonio Brown is the hero to the working man

[Antonio Brown] is the hero to the working man... he basically signed a contract two years ago, got a bunch of guaranteed money, when the guaranteed money ran out he's like 'I want a new deal' and then he got it.

The Steelers with Bell and Brown were the greatest fake dynasty of all time

Can we say the Steelers had the greatest fake dynasty of all time with Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown? Yeah, and at various points they had the best wide receiver, best running back, and a top five quarterback all at the same time and won absolutely zilch.

Adnan Syed is definitely guilty

The one you're talking about [Serial] came out five years ago about Adnan Syed. Who I think is really, really guilty. But for some reason, they just... I don't know. He just seems like it was a show about a guy that was guilty that had very charming murderer.

Detroit sports fans are better than L.A. fans because they are more 'locked in'

I actually really do like the sports fans [in Detroit]. There's good sports fans in L.A., but there's so much stuff going on that people don't really care that much. So Detroit, when you're rolling, it feels like everywhere you go, people know what's going on. They know whether you lost last night. I love fans that actually know what's going on.

LeBron James' career scoring milestone feels hollow on a terrible Lakers team

Obviously LeBron's career is unassailable at this point... But don't you think it felt a little hollow, the fact that he's doing it on a terrible Lakers team? If it happened in Cleveland, it would have been a lot bigger of a moment in my mind.

Steph Curry is the most disrespected superstar in the NBA by his own peers

I think [Steph Curry] is the most disrespected by his peers superstar, which is weird... I feel like a lot of the athletes hate Steph. In some way, it's some bad thing because he had this awesome upbringing... it felt like all five of these guys had ad campaigns built on addressing the haters.

I could beat up Steph Curry and Klay Thompson in a fight

I don't think Klay would care. Klay would be like, dude, I'm just going to tap out. Is that cool? ... Steph, the thing is, is what if Steph beats me? ... I don't think Steph would beat you. I think you could use your dialing... I'm going to give you two and a half out of five [starters].

College coaches should only be punished for cheating if they win the national championship

I think you should only get punished for cheating if you win the national championship.

Kyrie Irving's weird behavior is just a quarter-life crisis

My take on this is that Kyrie Irving, he's 26 years old, and I think this is actually a very relatable thing. Stars are just like us. The quarter-life crisis. Kyrie Irving's going through his quarter-life crisis. Everyone hits that point in your mid to late 20s where you're like, what's the meaning of life?

Kyrie Irving is a method actor who has become stuck as the character Uncle Drew

I think he's a method actor. I think when he got into character as Uncle Drew, as like a baby boomer, now he hates all millennials around him. He's a character actor right now and he's still stuck. Andy Kaufman got stuck playing [characters], his mind got messed up. Can you imagine that, playing a character for so long that it starts to affect your brain and everything that you do?

Tom Brady is definitively the best quarterback of all time

The best quarterback of all time would be Tom Brady. That would be my opinion. Well, I would back it up with facts. The facts are he's won six Super Bowls. I do have two sources that have confirmed that Tom Brady is the best quarterback of all time. My left eye and my right eye.

Winning my fantasy basketball league is as satisfying as breaking a major news story

Satisfying is winning. [Winning the fantasy basketball league] would qualify as something that is on that list [more satisfying than breaking a big story]. I won the league last year... No one gives a shit except me that I'm trying to repeat. And it means nothing to anybody, but it means everything to me.

Jason Witten returning to the Cowboys was the best move for him personally

Honestly, this was the best thing for him to do. Now, the people that didn't like him as a broadcaster, they're happy. Dallas is thrilled. It was a great move on his part.

DK Metcalf's 1.6% body fat is a huge red flag

1.6% body fat is actually a huge red flag for me. Have a burger, man. You're a psycho if you have 1.6% body fat.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

Good indication of the sport of the future. I saw that highlight on my feed more than baseball, rugby, basketball, any other sport.

If the US prioritized rugby, we would be the best football country in the world

At this point, if the U.S. took our best rugby players from a young age and taught them football, we would be the best football country in the world. That's how good our rugby team is.

Jason Witten was essentially fired by ESPN

Jason Witten just got fired. Let's just call it what it is. If he was good at his job, he would not have gone back. I think ESPN was essentially like, dude, we're not saying you're fired, but... you're fired.

Prime 47 is a better steakhouse than St. Elmo's in Indianapolis

Prime 47 versus St. Elmo's. I have Prime 47. I thought St. Elmo's is you go for the shrimp cocktail, but after that, the menu doesn't have a lot to offer.

Ketchup tastes better when it is refrigerated

I think ketchup tastes better when it's refrigerated. Yeah, but you don't need to [refrigerate it]. That's kind of one of those weird things.

Joe Flacco was elite — elite guy, elite person, absolutely

Was [Joe Flacco] elite? Elite. Elite guy. Elite person. Absolutely.

The 2011 Ravens were more talented than the 2012 Super Bowl team

Really, that was probably our best team, 2011. The most talented team. We were probably better than the 2012 team.