Takes

Oklahoma City Thunder fans have no right to complain about losing superstars because they stole the team from Seattle

If you're an Oklahoma City Thunder fan, first of all, you can't really complain that much because you stole the Supersonics. You stole the Supersonics. You're all scabs.

Wimbledon is a top-tier sport to take a nap through

Mount Rushmore of sports to take a nap through. I've been napping a lot through Wimbledon because it's the green. It's early to quiet. It's just a little bit of grunts here and there. But other than that, it's a nice little ease into a nap Wimbledon.

Peter King is a hypocrite for criticizing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

It is unbelievable to watch where Peter King draws the line. Putting a serial rapist into the Hall of Fame. Okay. Darren Sharper. Eating too many hot dogs on 4th of July? Nuh-uh. Don't do it. Covering a sport for 30, 40 years... where guys are dying from brain injuries... Okay. Watching Joey Chestnut eat 71 hot dogs on July 4th? Uh-uh. That's Peter King's line.

Christian Yelich is making the smart decision by skipping the Home Run Derby to protect his swing and back

I think that you're making the smart call. First of all, if you compete in the home run derby, there's a chance you could ruin your swing... I'm really glad that it's not [happening].

Buying illegal drugs for the first time is a drug in itself

Buying drugs for the first time is absolutely it is a drug in itself. It's like the rush that you get after the transaction's over. It could be the world's shittiest drugs but you're like super excited you're like oh my god I did this.

Waking up after a blackout and realizing you still have your phone and wallet is an all-time thrill

Drinking too much, like completely blacking out... And waking up and checking your pants to see if your wallet and phone isn't there... That, that wake up of like... Oh my God, do I have my shit? That is a thrill in itself.

Recognizing a flea flicker as it unfolds is one of the greatest thrills in sports

My last one is when you realize that it's not a handoff, but you recognize that it's a flea flicker. When the running back is going deep. When the running back tosses back, everybody who's watching the TV stands up. They're like, oh, shit.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

Tim Howard is the greatest male U.S. soccer player of all time

I would say the greatest, the greatest male U.S. soccer player. Landon Donovan, Cobi Jones, Alexi Lalas, Dempsey, Dempsey, Freddie Adu. That's it. That's the list.

Kicking a soccer ball is incredibly easy compared to kicking a football

I think kicking a soccer ball is incredibly easy compared to kicking a football... It's a different skill set kicking a football from a soccer ball. It's terribly different.

I would have been a better cast member than a writer at Saturday Night Live

I really was probably better off as a cast member. I wasn't a writer when I got on the show. I think because I actually auditioned for cast... I came in with no writing experience, but I were amazing with your ideas.

My son Prince hits bombs, but I hit balls that leave stadiums

I told him one time, he hits bombs, I leave stadiums, and that's it.

If you can hit left-handed, you can own the game of baseball

Lefties are really on the game. I mean, if you can hit left-handed, you can own the game. During [Prince Fielder's] career, he owned the game while he was playing it.

Smooth by Santana and Rob Thomas is the ultimate #1 summer song

Smooth. Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas. 20 years ago. It feels like it came out yesterday. It does. The way that they play it on every sporting event.

Blue Sky by The Allman Brothers is the best summer car song

Allman Brothers, Blue Sky. When that song hits, when you're in the car, oof, nothing better, nothing better.

Game of Thrones normalized incest, which is a big come-up for the state of Alabama

It seems to me like incest shouldn't be a big deal in this show... Big come up for the state of Alabama because it's normalized everything. Yeah, everyone's fucking everyone's sister. It's just like whatever.

The White Walkers fight like a bunch of seven-year-olds playing soccer where everyone just runs to the ball

The White Walkers... they're super aggressive, right? But they're dumb as shit... They básicamente are... I mean, they're all just running... it's like basically playing... they fight like a bunch of like seven-year-olds play basketball. Everyone runs to the ball. Bunch ball. And no one's spacing anything out.

Theon Greyjoy had the best redemption and performance in the Battle of Winterfell

My best performance is Theon. Dude, Theon fought his ass off... Bran did say, you're a good man. Bran was basically like, alright, Theon, you're done.

The ending of Game of Thrones was as cheesy as the Seinfeld finale

The whole thing was cheesy as fuck, and then they're sitting around, like, the ending of, like, Seinfeld sitting in the jail. Where they're all sitting around the table at King's Landing, like, ha-ha, whoa, we gotta get more wheat for the winter... it turned into them playing SimCity around a table at the end.

Being a 'koozie guy' is a sign of a weak drinker

This might be a controversial take, but I think I'm anti-koozie. Because maybe I'm just a guy that likes to drink his beer fast enough where you don't need a koozie. Maybe koozie is a crutch for the week. It's a participation trophy for drinking a beer like Aaron Rodgers.

Wilt Chamberlain is the greatest basketball player of all time

I think Wilt Chamberlain is the best player. Wilt Chamberlain has 68 of the 72 NBA records... He got 23,000 rebounds.

Kobe Bryant was a more skilled offensive player than Michael Jordan

When I say Kobe is better than Michael Jordan, I'm talking about as far as skilled in the overall game... Kobe can do everything Michael Jordan can do, but he learned how to do it better offensively.

Every NBA player should be allowed to fight one fan per year with no legal consequences

I had the idea every player should get to fight one fan a year. You can call them out and no legal recourse. You don't get arrested. Nothing happens... Once you use it, you lose it.

Sean Bradley wasn't actually a bad player; he just was a frequent victim of being dunked on

Sean Bradley wasn't that bad. He just got dunked on a lot.

Clothing companies should manufacture pants with built-in iPhone chargers in the pockets

I have a really good drunk idea... It's shorts that have an iPhone charger built into the pocket... You plug your pants into the wall... It's a Mophie that you can wear.

MLB should continue to play games in international stadiums with tiny dimensions to ensure high-scoring slugfests like the London Series

If they bring baseball games to different countries, just keep doing exactly like that... just runs, runs, runs... dimensions are so distorted that we keep having exactly this.

Daryl Morey is playing with house money and the Jimmy Butler pursuit is his ultimate move

It's almost like he's playing with house money at this point, and Jimmy Butler, J-Butt, is the ultimate house money move.

LeBron James giving Anthony Davis his number 23 jersey means it is now Davis' team

I think that means that this is Anthony Davis' team though. I think it does. If we're talking Batman and Robin, the Batman definitely wears number 23.

Step Brothers is a movie that holds up perfectly between commercial breaks on TV

Step Brothers is so rewatchable. You know what's crazy? When I first saw Step Brothers I didn't think it was that good but now if you see it on TV every scene every like in between commercial breaks holds up on its own and you have to watch the whole thing.

Poutine is not the national food of Canada

Poutine is not the national food of Canada. I have never had poutine before. Now suddenly everybody's Mr. Poutine. This is poutine. This side and the other thing.

Wrestling heels must stay in character at the arena to maintain credibility with fans

My thing is when you're a bad guy, a heel, you, of course, obviously just the character you play, but when you're on site at the arena, you have to play the character. You have to because if you don't, if you're nice to everybody and then an hour later when you're in the ring and trying to get people to boo you, people are like, oh, I'm not going to boo you.

It is harder for a jockey to transition to NASCAR than for a NASCAR driver to transition to horse racing

I think a jockey trying to go race NASCAR would be the tougher transition. [NASCAR drivers] would have the tougher transition... I mean, the horses take when that horse takes off it's hard... but I think a jockey trying to go race NASCAR would be the tougher transition.

NASCAR crew chiefs must bend or break the rules to be successful

If you take a car that's legal from front to back, completely legal through the rule book, you're not going to run very well. You're not going to do well. And the crew chiefs, the crew chief that I want, the team that I want, are the ones that are willing to gamble and be aggressive with the rules, bend the rules, maybe break a few rules, because I know that that's what I'm competing against.

The best way to move up in your grandmother's power rankings is to move in and take care of her

Move in and take care of grandma. Oh, absolutely... and she will love you and you will move right to the top of the pile.

Doc Rivers appeared to be a better coach when Austin Rivers was on his team because coaching a bad player makes you look like a genius

Doc Rivers appeared to be a better coach when he had his son on the team because his son was such a shithead that if you could squeeze a little bit of blood out of Austin Rivers, then you looked like a fucking genius. [Big Cat: You should not have gotten rid of one of your worst players.]

Kemba Walker is the perfect example of a player who is good but not 'Supermax' good

Kemba Walker is like the perfect case of he's good, but he's not Supermax good. I think they also—they gave it such a cool term, Supermax, that it's tough to turn down. [The Hornets] should have done the Boogie Cousins and traded him because if you trade someone, they can't get the Supermax.

I side with Mets manager Mickey Callaway for trying to fight a reporter who made a passive-aggressive comment

I actually kind of side with Mickey Callaway here... the Newsday reporter said 'see you tomorrow,' which is the classic like 'oh half day move' that the asshole in the office pulls when you're taking it off early. You're being an ironic asshole. I think that would piss me off. I have Mickey Callaway's back there.

The Warriors training staff is sketchy and prioritizes the team over player health

My hot seat is the Warriors training staff. Since the Durant injury, there's been rumors about how Durant was ripshit over the Warriors training staff for kind of lying to him and telling him that the injury wasn't as bad... And Iguodala went on The Breakfast Club today, and he basically revealed himself that he had a fractured leg in the 2018 playoffs, but that was kept under wraps and downplayed.

I hate the Walenda family and their high-wire acts

My other hot seat is the Walendas. I fucking hate those people. I'm so sick of them. It is bullshit that you watch it and you're just hoping [they fall]. And they're on straps and those sisters singing about glory to God the whole time because, you know, really God cares about you being an idiot and walking on a high wire over Times Square.

Learn to do everything left-handed when you are eight years old

I would say learn to do everything left-handed. Tie your right hand behind your back for a while [when you're eight].

Creative people usually peak in their 20s

When I think about creative people, usually those peak years are in those 20s. You know, you're seeing things for the first time, you're experiencing them in new ways and you're reacting.

You actually believe you are 100% invincible when you are 20 years old

When you're 20... you actually do think that you were 100% invincible. I think of dumb shit... stupid shit that you do when you're 20, you honestly think you will survive everything and anything that happens.

The guy who looks successful at 23 will be the first to have a midlife crisis

The dude that is looking like they have their shit put together when they're 23, 24 years old, that's the guy that hits the midlife crisis first. That's the guy that wants to get away from it because he grew up too fast.

Be fat on your wedding day so you look better for the rest of your life by comparison

Some old man gave me advice on that, too. He said, whenever you get married, make sure you're really fat because then that's the one picture that everyone compares you to the rest of your life. Because that's the one picture you put in your house. It's like you on your wedding day with your wife. And so when you're walking by, they're like, damn.

I am the world's best at finding open tables or seats in packed bars

I think I'm number one in the world at finding open tables at packed bars or seats in general... I will always find an open table... if you come out with me, I will get us a seat. I will not stand up.

I can instantly tell if someone hates me or if they are full of shit

I think I'm great at being able to tell if someone hates me, if someone's full of shit. I want to say like FBI level lie detections... I can leave a room and go, that guy doesn't like me... I've just been around long enough... that I just think I've honed that skill.

It is responsible to continue betting after your child is born because the baby might be good luck

It's actually responsible of you from a fiscal standpoint to continue betting, if not more so than you were before, because the baby might be good luck.

Zion Williamson is the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years

Is Zion Williamson the most beloved athlete in the last 20 years? The most beloved. I'm talking about everyone loves him... universallly sports fans it feels like everyone's rooting for [Zion].

NBA draft workouts and team meetings are overrated

I think it's complete. The draft workouts and all that stuff, I think it's overrated. I kind of like that. Who knows? Maybe he's an awesome guy, and it's better to just not meet him.

Space Jam 2 is a front to pay players off the books and avoid the NBA salary cap

Space Jam 2 is just an excuse to pay players off the book and avoid the salary cap. Palenka, he doesn't have to know anything about the salary cap. All he has to know is LeBron James' cell phone number and be like, hey, is the money good? Right. Okay, awesome. He's got a spreadsheet. Can you shave $10 million off Lola Bunny's contract and funnel it to Anthony Davis?