Takes

Nick Nurse is an awful name for a head coach

I'd like to just go ahead and apologize to Nick Nurse. I judged a book by its cover big time when they hired him. And I'm wrong. It's a terrible name. Nick Nurse is an awful name for a head coach. I stand by that take.

I do not miss LeBron James in the NBA playoffs anymore

I don't miss LeBron. I don't miss LeBron in these playoffs anymore. I missed him in the first round. The first round felt hollow without LeBron. But I do not miss LeBron anymore because these are the best playoffs we've had in a very long time.

True basketball fans prefer the Nuggets-Trail Blazers series over Warriors-Rockets

If you're a basketball purist, you say, forget about the Rockets and the Warriors just tricking each other into fouling on three-pointers. That's not basketball. You know what my basketball is? Guard play. Excellent guard play and good, crisp dribbling. And that's what you get in the Nuggets Trailblazers.

Kyrie Irving is primarily to blame for the Celtics' disappointing season

Kyrie, one. Far and away. He's supposed to be the leader. He's the guy. He kind of fucked himself here because the whole way he left Cleveland, he's like, I want to be the guy. You're going to get judged as the guy.

Kyrie Irving is only the seventh or eighth best player in the NBA and cannot be the 'alpha' on a title team

Kyrie, he's right below it, but he's not one of those guys. He's not a Giannis. He's not a Kawhi. He's not a KD, a LeBron... He's, like, maybe the seventh, eighth best player in the NBA, but the top five guys are the guys that you need to win to be the alphas on a championship team.

Hollywood lacks real stories because it is run by third-generation nepotism

I think Hollywood just didn't see like they thought that they just like narrowed everybody's mind and cornered them and owned them so much and corporations that they had just owned them so much that they could do whatever they want with them... it's nepotism now. It's a lot of third generation. Nobody from the middle of America. Nobody has any stories.

Louisiana is the stray animal belt of America where animals still have 'alphaness'

I mean, I think look dude, a lot of legend lives down there... I wouldn't say a zoo, but I think [the lemurs] escaped somebody, somebody who may be a startup zoo... I just like there to be alphas because you got to even it all out, man... you had dog balls everywhere. You had more of an ecosystem.

Joe Rogan is like a golden retriever that's brave enough to do DMT

I think Joe Rogan's the best interviewer because he's curious. He's genuinely curious. He's like a golden retriever that's brave enough to do DMT.

Giannis Antetokounmpo is like a fifth grader who hit puberty before everyone else on the playground

[Giannis] looks like a fifth grader that hit puberty before everyone else on the playground and [is] just dominating everyone.

Knicks fans should buy tickets to every James Dolan concert to keep him away from the team

If you're a Knicks fan, you should buy tickets to every single show in every city and just have him go on a worldwide tour... Just keep him away from home as much as possible. Make him the next Kiss.

Steph Curry gets the least criticism of any superstar in sports for playing poorly

Watching [Steph Curry] play and watching him shoot and get hot is awesome. But there is not one single superstar that I've ever seen in any sport that gets less shit for sucking than Steph Curry.

It doesn't matter if your team wins or loses, as long as you don't get embarrassed

In the long scheme of things, if you're a sports fan, it doesn't really matter if your team wins or loses. It just matters that you don't get embarrassed... Don't be the butt of everyone's joke.

Kevin Durant is the most unguardable human being ever created

What I'm saying is that when you look at all these guys [MJ, Shaq, Kobe, LeBron]... [Durant] does things at such an efficient level and at such a high rate. He's a seven-foot two-guard. He shoots 90% from the free-throw line. He's shooting 50% from three right now... if you had to create a basketball player, I think the two guys that you would create are probably Bron and KD for very different reasons.

Kevin Durant turned Steph Curry into Scottie Pippen

We all know how great Steph is, but how good are you when you show up to a team with a two-time MVP and you immediately turn him into Pippen? And he's in the prime of his career.

To fix the Lakers, the front office needs to be cleared and someone should be stolen from the Spurs

I would change everyone that's in my front office, and then I would go and steal someone from the Spurs... There needs a lot more checks and balances. I think even Jeanie Buss needs somebody that can tell her no or can go in there and win an argument. And it doesn't have to be someone that she's friends with for 20 years.

Scott Foster is the ideal referee for a road team because he is a 'dickhead' who ignores the home crowd

If I was going into Boston on the road, I want to see Scott Foster. Those kind of dickheads, those assholes, those guys that are kind of just like, 'leave me alone, I have to do my job.' ... If anything, if the home team or the home crowd starts acting like jerks, they will actually go the other way.

Daenerys Targaryen is the worst dragon owner of all time

Daenerys is the worst leader of all time... she gets her fucking dragons killed every single turn. She's the worst dragon owner of all time. Honestly. Like, they would come and take those dragons away. Be like, you are not fit to own a dragon because everywhere you go, the dragon gets killed. fly them up in the stratosphere dude they can't hit them up there she's so stupid.

The Trail Blazers have the best home-court advantage in the NBA playoffs

The Trailblazers, I would contend, yeah, I'm going to say it, they probably have the best home court advantage in the playoffs.

Kevin Durant vs. Michael Jordan is a legitimate debate

People are saying—I'm not saying. People are saying should the debate be Kevin Durant versus Michael Jordan... I kind of agree.

A 3-1 Finals record is more impressive than 3-6 when comparing Kevin Durant and LeBron James

And what would LeBron James be? Three and six? [PFT: Three and six.] It feels like three and one better than three and six. We could go all day, folks. We could cherry pick all day.

I will never cord-cut because streaming sports is too unreliable

I have so many boxes... my cable bill is like probably $400 a month. I watched a bowl game with [a friend] two years ago... It buffered so many fucking times. I had money on the game, and I was sitting there like, what is happening right now? I could never cord cut.

NBA players and fans are soft for cheering an injury comeback that NHL players do routinely

I saw that asshole from the Cavs [Kevin Love]... broke his nose and came back with a fucking mask on and got a standing ovation. Are you shitting me? Ryan Malone on Pittsburgh... got a slap shot directly in the face... shoved a couple tampons out there and came back, no mask, no standing ovation for him.

The person who stole Jeff Fisher's credit cards should get a seven to nine year prison sentence

If you're a piece of shit that stole Jeff Fisher's credit card, just please give him back... I'm not going to make the joke, but many people have probably said that's a pretty hefty prison sentence. That's like seven to nine years.

I'm 'killing' Walgreens because of their partnership with Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos

I'm going to kill Walgreens because they partnered up with Theranos. And they took people's blood and screwed it up. [Big Cat: But she was pretty convincing.] She was. I don't blame Walgreens... [Big Cat: I would get duped too.] Okay. I'm still killing Walgreens.

The Warriors and Rockets would both easily beat the Celtics in a series

I think either team could beat the Celtics... any of the three teams, the Warriors, the Warriors, or the Rockets, I think match up very well against the Celtics.

The new Sonic the Hedgehog movie looks incredible and will be the movie event of the millennium

The Sonic the Hedgehog trailer was just released, and it looks incredible. It is going to be the movie event of the millennium, I'm very confident in saying.

An asteroid hitting Earth would be a better way for humanity to end than climate change

Thinking about what the alternative is, is just cooking ourselves alive in the next 200 years. Asteroid, not that bad... I just want the asteroid to hit us. Boom, done.

NBA arena decibel readers are fraudulent and inflated by 30 decibels

A lot of people have started to download their own decibel readers on their phones, going to games, comparing them against what the scoreboard's showing. And guess what? Turns out it's like 30 decibels quieter than they're showing.

I don't wash anything below my neck in the shower

I don't wash anything below my neck.

Al Horford will go into the Hall of Fame as the most overrated-underrated player

Al Horford is going to go in, like, I assume the Hall of Fame because everyone goes in the basketball Hall of Fame, as the most overrated, underrated guy. Because everyone's like, Al Horford's so underrated... Eventually, we're like, guys, we get it. He's just good.

The Warriors-Rockets series is the worst officiating assignment in NBA history

This is the single worst series that the referees have ever had to deal with. I will not complain about a single call these refs make... because I can't think of a worse series. You have Chris Paul literally complaining about every play. James Harden is trying to trick the refs on every play. Steph flops like a motherfucker. Draymond is like, you don't know if he's going to punch a ref. KD, triple B.

The Vladimir Guerrero Jr. hype will get old by mid-season

MLB, I will say, they're kind of overdoing. Every time he does anything, they're like, Vladimir Guerrero, Vladimir Guerrero... I think halfway through the season, it's going to get a little old.

I would rather be a zombie than be canceled

We're going to all cancel each other until we're the army of the dead. And I'm okay with that. I'm on the record being fine with being a zombie army. You don't have a lot to worry about when you're literally dead.

Aroldis Chapman is the toughest pitcher I have faced

[Aroldis] Chapman. [He's] throwing that 99 gas, 101. Left on left.

Clayton Richard is the toughest pitcher I have faced

Actually, Clayton Richard. [I] did not expect that. Yeah, did not expect that.

Theon Greyjoy's final charge at the Night King was the worst assassination attempt ever

That was the worst attempt at killing the Night King of all time. Bran was basically like, all right, Theon, you're done. See you later.

Daenerys Targaryen is a loser for not being able to fight for herself

You love this chick [Daenerys] that has been basically walking around saying, I'm the king, I'm the queen... and she can't even fight for herself. She just found that out. And her little dragons don't show up to the big event.

The White Walkers were my least favorite part of Game of Thrones

I'm very happy that the White Walkers are dead because that was always my least favorite part of this show. I like the human versus human shit. I like that stuff. I like houses and all that stuff. That's my jam. The White Walkers... I could never fully get into their whole thing.

Kyler Murray liking The Great Gatsby is the biggest red flag possible

Kyler Murray says that his favorite movie of all time is Great Gatsby. That is the biggest red flag we've ever seen. Also, I'm pretty sure Kyler Murray is the kind of guy that likes the Great Gatsby because he thinks Gatsby's cool as hell right? And he like throws these sick parties... He does the leo dance 15 years after it was cool. There was nothing cool about that book or that movie.

Watching Steven Adams without sound is like listening to porn without images

Watching Steven Adams without sound is like listening to porn without the images. Well, it was kind of cool seeing him yell at him and point his finger, but I needed the sound to really get me there.

April has the worst weather of any month because of its inconsistency

April has the worst weather of any month... Because you can't fucking plan for it. It's cold. It's still the winter. Then it's hot. Then it's cold again. Then it rains... I would rather at least know January's going to suck no matter what.

Quarterbacks being the most important piece of a franchise is the most obvious 'Harvard' study ever

Harvard. 38 years of data suggests the quarterback is the most important piece of an NFL franchise. OK, I'll just watch football for 38 years and come up with the conclusion that quarterbacks are important. Way to go, Harvard.

Nick Saban has a legitimate problem because he can't handle sitting at home for six hours

Saban added that the six hours he was at home on Tuesday with nothing to do was like torture. I don't know how people do it. It's the off season. Six hours. Nick Saban didn't do anything and he couldn't bear it. You might have a problem Nick Saban.

Bran Stark is an annoying character who ruins every scene he is in

Bran, I hope that fuck gets skull fucked in the middle of the field because he's so awkward. It's the guy in the wheelchair. I know Lieutenant Bran. He's so annoying. He ruins every scene.

Josh Rosen has a slightly higher evaluation grade than any quarterback in the 2019 draft class

But I still think [Josh Rosen] is slightly, in terms of my grades, I've got him rated a little bit higher than the quarterbacks in this class.

9 inches is the absolute cutoff point for NFL quarterback hand size to be successful

Nine's the cutoff point for usually having success moving forward. So, yeah. I think there is a validity to that. Outlier would be Tony Romo, and you don't draft outliers.

No other quarterback could survive in Pittsburgh like Big Ben

There's no other quarterback in the league can play in Pittsburgh the way [Roethlisberger] have played... he's just a tough son of a gun.

Joel Embiid is an absolute monster when he is healthy

Joel Embiid is a fucking monster. He is a monster. Like, watching him play. When he's healthy. But he was a monster on Saturday. When he is out there, he looks like he's playing with little kids. Like, his hands are so much bigger than everybody. He's so much taller. He gets the ball in the post. There's nothing anyone can do.

Demaryius Thomas beat the Steelers in the 2011 playoffs, not Tim Tebow

It wasn't Tebow. It was DT... DT gave me a mean ass stiff arm... Everybody was like, Tebow Mania. I mean, it was. But that was DT, man.

The whole point of religion is to make a shitload of money

I, for one, am disgusted that anyone would profit off religion ever. I can't believe that. It's gross. The fact that Kanye thinks he can sell sweatshirts for his church, ugh. ... It's like having a religion and then owning a third of the world's land and tax-free and just making billions and billions of dollars. ... I love when people got mad about that. It's like, that's kind of the point of religion, to just make a shitload of money.