Takes

Incompetent leadership is the biggest long-term threat to the NFL

I think ultimately the incompetence of the people who run it is going to wear it down because there is no long-term thinking among any of these owners... So I think that the crisis of leadership is the biggest long-term threat to the league, perhaps.

Jerry Jones is no longer making the calls for the Cowboys

Jerry Jones is not making the calls anymore. I think he's a figurehead right now. He's the emperor with no clothes... Steven Jones, he's taken over the kingdom from his father. It's like at the end of Braveheart where the old guy's dying and the son's making the calls.

NASA is inventing stories about aliens to secure funding against Space Force

This goes back to my theory that NASA is just inventing cool shit to talk about so they can continue their funding because right now they're going up against Space Force. But I would assume that, like, this would be something that Space Force would really get a lot of money thrown into their coffers for. If you think that there's aliens that are actually checking us out.

Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak is likely the most unbreakable record in sports

I agree. My longest hitting streak was 16 games. And so to think somebody could go 56 games without going 0 for 4 is amazing to me. And I think the pressure of the consecutive games hitting streak... because of the media coverage and the scrutiny, that creates more pressure. And so I think that's almost unattainable.

Certain players have an intangible value that isn't captured by modern sabermetrics

I think that certain players have an intangible value that's not measurable in the way that they're measuring everything nowadays. But, I mean, it's like Eddie Murray was our fourth hitter. He could be 0 for 50... But if Eddie was not in our lineup, we felt like we didn't have a good lineup. He stabilized the whole lineup.

Accomplishments from the steroid era are unfairly diminished by the widespread use of PEDs

For someone that's been in it, it kind of bothers me that when they look back, said it was the steroid era. And then, therefore, it kind of takes away your accomplishments during that time frame... It makes a light of your accomplishments.

Players should act like they've been there before and avoid bat flipping

I don't like that [bat flipping]... you were considered more of a sportsman. So your entertainment value was in the quality of your sport and how you competed... but I always felt that and maybe it's John Riggins like if you score a touchdown, you know, act like you've been there before.

Mike Tomlin's quotes make no sense despite sounding smart

We've never been more right than we were with our Mike Tomlin take on Monday, basically saying every quote from him is just – makes no sense. But it makes enough sense that you walk away being like, oh, that was smart... You take three steps and you start writing it up, and then you're like, wait a second. These words have never been put together.

Tom Herman's complaints about Will Grier's celebration are hypocritical given his own past behavior

If you remember just a year ago when they were in a bowl game against Missouri and [Herman] was mocking Drew Lock in his gun salute, he was basically showing up the other team. And then when he loses, he's crying to the media and saying that Will Grier was unfair.

There is a coordinated plot to destroy the game of football

I don't think there's any question there is [a plot]. When you think about... how many sports do you know where there's legislation to try to ban a particular sport, tackle football? Do you know of any other sport?

Gold Glove is the dumbest award in sports

Gold Glove is the dumbest reward possible. And I'm not saying that just because Javi Baez didn't win one he should have. It's still the dumbest reward. ... I feel like if you get one gold glove you just end up getting gold gloves for life.

Bob Ryan's 'true sports fan' tweet was essentially correct despite the backlash

Everyone hated him for this. I don't think it's – I think he obviously went a little too hard. But the bones of this argument are kind of right. There are people who I think are fans of their teams only. And then there are people who are fans of sports in general. I think that's the better argument.

I would fight Jon Jones again even if he is on performance-enhancing drugs

At the end of the day, he won the fights, and that's all I want to do is win the fights. So if that means fighting him again, even if he's on the stuff, I mean, you have to do it. So, yeah, of course I want to fight him again.

Conor McGregor cannot win a rematch against Khabib Nurmagomedov due to the matchup

Matchup-wise, this is just a bad matchup... Khabib doesn't get hit clean right away to get knocked out. He also has the ability to take him down, and also he's in great shape. He's not going to get tired... With Khabib, it didn't seem to have the same effect because Khabib's so big.

Bryson DeChambeau is an asshole for deciding to leave the flag pin in while putting

He has decided that this year he will be leaving the pin in when he putts... depending on the coefficient of the restitution of the pin. What an asshole.

Bill Belichick leaked the Josh Gordon suspension news to find a rat in the organization

Somebody was saying that Bill Belichick smells a rat inside his own nest. And he leaked that information to one person. And he was like, if this makes its way to Ian Rapoport's Twitter account, then I know that it's you, and it breaks my heart, but I know it was you.

Mike Greenberg's take that fans shouldn't criticize Todd Gurley for kneeling at the goal line is the lamest take of all time

My hot seat is your boy, Mike Greenberg, with the fucking lamest take of all time. He tweeted, if you criticize Todd Gurley for what he did at the end of the Rams-Packers game, you should never be allowed to comment on sports ever again. Get the fuck out of here, Greeny. People gambling on the NFL has paid for a shitload of your salary... People watch because they have an investment in fantasy or gambling and they can bitch about it because that's what we do as sports fans.

I have a 50/50 success rate for making good movies

You always go in with the best intentions, and it's never for lack of effort, but they don't always turn out the way you hope. If you think about what gets you into the Hall of Fame in baseball is batting .300. I think I'm probably 50/50 with the movies that turned out to be good and worked versus movies that didn't.

Dodgers fans are fair-weather fans who just jump between whoever is winning in LA

The Dodgers got fair-weather fans. I mean, you talk about guys who will go from the Kings to the Dodgers to the Clippers to the Lakers... it's like enough already.

Bill Belichick is hilarious in real life

I've spent some quality time with Bill... Is he funny in real life? Oh, he's hilarious... I know [him] off the field... he's the best of the best.

Tom Coughlin would have benched Eli Manning by now if he were still running the Giants

Why are they still playing Eli Manning...? Tom Coughlin, if he was still with the Giants, Eli wouldn't be playing. Which I think is crazy, too, because Eli brought them to championships, even though they were bullshit wins... They do [count], but that being said, Eli should get the kind of respect that he deserves from the Giants fans.

The Manning family has brainwashed everyone into over-respecting Eli Manning

I disagree [that Eli deserves more respect]. I think that you've been brainwashed by Archie Manning. I have a theory that the Mannings have brainwashed [everyone].

I refuse to sign up for any app that doesn't use the standard phone number keypad for data entry

If you're still making apps in the year of our Lord 2018 that doesn't let me just do the phone keyboard with the numbers [instead of the long horizontal keyboard], I'm absolutely not signing up for your app. That's how lazy I've got.

The Pardon My Take crew is officially 'Team Cardi B'

We are team Cardi B through and through. They call us the Cardi three. Me, Hank, and Big Cat.

Manny Machado is the perfect villain for baseball

Manny Machado, the world's biggest jerk. I love Manny Machado. I don't want him on the Cubs, but I love this guy... It was his coming out party as a real asshole, and I love it. Because the world... we need villains. And Manny Machado was the perfect villain.

Never trust a 'cat guy' like Todd Gurley

This goes along with my long-held opinion. You don't trust a cat guy. [Todd Gurley]'s got two cats. Anybody that makes the honest decision to have an animal live in your house that also craps in there, I will not trust you with a single thing.

Winning big college football games requires changing up jerseys to get everyone excited

That's how you win football games. That's how you win big football games. You change up the jerseys, get everyone excited, don't pay the players, put all that money into doing different jerseys every week. New helmets.

Joe Buck is the best announcer of the last 30 years

Do you think that Joe Buck is the best announcer of the last 30 years? Yes. I think Joe Buck, although he's getting so much credit now... Throw your Joe Buck sucks take out the window. Which is true.

The Muhammad Ali Act should be amended to include MMA fighters to break the promoters' monopoly

If I could change anything in the sport, I would amend the definition of a combative sports athlete for the federal legislation and the Muhammad Ali Act to include all combative sports athletes, not just boxers... right now in MMA, the flaw in our system is that the promoter and the sanctioning body are the same guy... It's not a competitive sport.

George St-Pierre and BJ Penn are on the MMA GOAT list

George St-Pierre. George has got to be on the list. Absolutely got to be on the list... [and] BJ Penn's got to be on there.

Jon Jones would defeat Brock Lesnar in a fight

I think probably Jon [Jones], his athleticism and length is going to pose a problem for Lesnar. And Brock, as amazing athlete as he is and as big and strong as he is, he still hasn't really made friends with getting punched in the face.

Purdue fans have grown up 'disappointed' by the 'Purdue Way'

Growing up a Purdue fan, unfortunately you kind of not grow up disappointed of sports, I would say, but you kind of learn not quote unquote the Purdue way. Purdue has not been known as a powerhouse football wise since Drew Brees was at Purdue.

Chris Paul is the worst teammate in the NBA

Chris Paul, worst teammate in the league... It says all of his former teammates. Ryan Hollins and Glen Davis [say it].

Kevin Durant is a 'baby back bitch'

Kevin Durant, actually. I want to call him a baby back bitch to his face... [and] I think he would actually be good after a while, after we got the old baby back bitch shit out of the way.

An ugly win provides a bigger confidence boost than a pretty close win

An ugly win is actually worth more than a pretty close win. Because if you can win ugly, that's like a confidence boost. Like, okay, we didn't have our stuff [but we still won].

LeBron James moved to the Lakers to hide from his critics

Is LeBron James hiding from us? Because here's what happened. At like 12:30, I went to sleep. I missed all of the fourth quarter, missed the free throws... I think that LeBron James has moved out west because he knows... MJ people, we're getting a little older, got to get to sleep. The LeBron stans... they stay up all night... and LeBron knows he will not get criticized... Like, I should have been there hating LeBron when he missed those free throws. Except, father time has taken its hold on me, and I need to go to sleep.

Justin Tucker is worth a second-round pick

Justin Tucker is the one kicker that I think would actually probably be worth a first-round pick... I'll give you a second.

Boban Marjanovic is not of this world

My who's back is Boban... His clips of him playing are, I mean, I remember people talking about him last year, but this year it's like surreal. He's not of this world. It's like he's playing on a seven-foot hoop.

Antonio Brown is the best wide receiver since Randy Moss

Antonio Brown's the best receiver since Randy Moss. And Le'Veon Bell's the best running back in the game. And are they really never even going to get to a Super Bowl together?

Philip Rivers is the most underrated quarterback of our time

Phil Rivers is probably the most underrated quarterback of our time. He's for sure a Hall of Famer.

The Jets did themselves a favor by missing out on Kirk Cousins

If you know anything about Kirk Cousins, you actually did yourself a favor by not getting him because you'd rather suck out loud than be kind of around average for four years.

Only 12 NFL owners actually care about winning championships

I think there are legitimately 12 teams in the National Football League that are legitimately concerned about winning a Super Bowl... I think there are certain owners that are just in there to build equity... and every now and then catch the lightning.

Bill Belichick cannot truly understand the pressure of a 3rd and 12 from your own goal line because he never played

Bill Belichick has no idea what – he's the greatest football coach we've ever been around... He has no idea the ass pucker you get third down and 12 from your own six-yard line right in the shadow of your own end zone... I've been there. He can't.

You can only play with a back fracture in hockey and football

The only sports that you can play with a small back fracture are hockey and football... Injured is when you have to have surgery that holds you out. You have to play injured [in the NFL]. And more importantly, you have to play well injured.

Deja Vu is just a CD skipping in the Elon Musk computer simulation

Well, it's a glitch in the matrix because right now we're all living in a computer simulation that's being run by Elon Musk. So when you see something for the second time, it is just something that's already happened and it's being replayed by accident. It's like a CD that skips.

America is sick of Aaron Rodgers winning games in predictable, dramatic fashion

He will win a game late, and he will do it in dramatic fashion, and he will drop dimes and all that. I'm sick of it. I think America is sick of it, to be honest, if I'm just going to speak for America here.

Jason Witten was hired by ESPN solely to mend the relationship between the network and NFL owners

Jason Witten is in place to mend the ESPN-NFL relationship, which makes sense... they put him in there, and it doesn't really matter if he's bad for the audience. It just matters that the rest of the owners and Roger Goodell likes him.

The NFL referees are being bullied by the internet into not calling the game by the rules

The refs are getting bullied by the blogosphere and the twittersphere into not calling the game by the rules. I would have liked to see [Clay Matthews] get penalized for that [hit on C.J. Beathard].

American cheese on a breakfast taco is the best type of cheese

American cheese on a breakfast taco is the best type of cheese. We need to, here's what we need to do. We need to start eating more breakfast tacos in America.

Boston sports fans don't feel joy when they win; they just enjoy that everyone else feels bad

I'm convinced that Boston fans, they don't feel joy when they win... One, it's relief. And two, it's that they feel good that everybody else feels bad. You guys are desensitized to winning all the time... You like everybody else being a loser.