Takes

Kinnick Stadium is one of the hardest places to play in the Big Ten

It's great in Kinnick. You know, they're right there behind me, literally found in the front row of Kinnick. I mean, they are awesome. I mean, they are on you from the minute you walk in. It is pretty darn good.

Opponents lose to Northwestern in Evanston because they can't wake up for 11 a.m. kickoffs

Northwestern is a little smaller. Maybe a little sleepier. Guys have trouble getting up at 11 a.m. when they're posing... It's because it's 11 a.m. Everybody fell asleep in Madison... Couldn't wake up at 11 to play.

Mark Zuckerberg is definitely a robot and failed his attempt to look human in front of Congress

He looked like a robot. Like full... If Mark Zuckerberg's sole attempt was to try to persuade people that he's not a bad guy... he failed terribly. He did because he looked like a robot. He had a terrible suit. He had a bowl cut... He just looked exactly like I would expect a robot to look.

Dating a man named Tristan, Tyler, or Travis is asking to get cheated on

This is what happens when you date a guy named Tristan. You're kind of asking for it. Double T. Tristan, Tyler, or Travis, if you date any one of those three, and Tyler can be a boy or a girl, you're asking to get cheated on. Trev and Trav are definitely guys who are just guys being dudes. And what do guys being dudes do? They get horny.

A man is most masculine and extra horny when he is asleep

I think technically when a man is asleep, he's the most masculine he can be. So that's like, it gets extra horny. I feel like that's exactly what happens. I think that's just science.

Golf needs an asshole like Patrick Reed

I love Patrick Reed. I do love this man. He is a basic bitch. He's a man baby. On the golf course. He's a man baby. He's amazing. Yes, he's an asshole, but golf needs an asshole.

Tiger Woods played in an era with shitty golfers who didn't play defense

I think it's almost time to have the conversation of, like, did Tiger Woods just play in an era with shitty golfers? And now the new generation is way better than Tiger Woods ever was. Like you put Jordan Spieth back in the 2009 Masters... When the course didn't play defense at all. He played in the dead ball era.

Getting called 'Big Dog' by a homeless person means you are losing weight

When we get catcalled by homeless people, usually it's 'big guy.' That's usually when you're at your fattest. 'Big dog' is a step below. And then when you get to it, it's just 'tall guy.' So I'm doing okay.

NFL Draft prospects must understand they are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies

You've got to understand for the next, you know, four or five months, this is locked in time... You are going to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, essentially. I never looked at it that way. Of course, I see it completely different now, and that's the way you have to look at it. You are the head of a foundation, of an organization, and you can be for a long period of time.

I would have been a bust even if I was drafted by the Colts instead of the Chargers

Do you think anything's different in your career if you go to the Colts instead of the Chargers? No, most likely not. It was me, right? It was my issue. So it really didn't matter geographically where I went.

Conor McGregor is bigger than the UFC

Conor McGregor's bigger than the UFC. That's really what it comes down to. I think Dana White actually has a problem here because he can't pay Conor McGregor what Conor McGregor is worth at this point.

We could make money by starting fake death rumors for celebrities that claim they died the same week as David Bowie.

I feel like fake deaths could make a big comeback. And if we just anchor all of our fake deaths on saying, yeah, he died the same week as David Bowie, so no one remembered... Oprah died... two days before David Bowie. So no one got buried.

The NBA regular season is a joke because the top seeds are so heavily favored that there is no value in betting on them.

The first round, the first one through eight, it's just a complete... You can't even gamble on it because the one seed's like minus 900 to take the series, so it's a complete waste of money... The league blows.

Gary Player suffered from diarrhea after eating the lobster paella at Sergio Garcia's Champions Dinner.

We stayed with our good friend Gary Player, who actually went to the Champions Dinner... he said that the lobster was hard to digest... So that's your headline. Gary Player got diarrhea from Sergio [Garcia]'s Champions Dinner.

Phillies manager Gabe Kapler is incompetent and trying to get fired

I don't think we've ever seen someone become a baseball manager that doesn't know what the fuck he's doing whatsoever... Everyone's got to follow Gabe Kapler because I think this is the first time ever where someone got a job they didn't want and they're trying to get fired.

Going to sleep is like a bed being a phone charger and humans being iPhones.

Juju Smith-Schuster, he tweeted this out... Y'all ever realize when we go to sleep, it's like the bed is the phone charger and we're iPhones?

The Masters is the best golf tournament and fans should be allowed to enjoy it however they want

The Masters are the best, and you just lay off. I don't care if you're a casual golf fan. All you hard-o golf fans out there, shut the fuck up. I'm going to enjoy the Masters any way I want. I'll say something wrong. I'll tweet something about a slice when it was a fade. I don't care.

The Oakland A's low attendance signifies that baseball is dwindling away

My hot seat is the Oakland A's and baseball in general. Oakland A's only managed to draw 7,000 people for their game against the Rangers last night. ... I mean, baseball, another sign. Baseball's dwindling away.

If Villanova is a blue blood, one of the existing college basketball blue bloods needs to be shuffled out

Villanova is now getting called a blue blood. So maybe one less seat at the table. You can't only have so many blue bloods. Are we going to shuffle someone out? I don't know.

Professional wrestling is just as 'real' as professional sports because both are forms of entertainment that people become obsessed with

I think wrestling's real. So wrestling runs a lot of parallels with sport. People get lost and obsessed in sport. Sport is merely a game. ... And what we do is just an exhibition to try to drum up the same fanatical response.

Donte DiVincenzo's old tweets aren't problematic because he was only 13

Dante DiVincenzo... some of the tweets are deemed problematic. Now, I want to make it very clear. I don't think any of these are problematic. ... It's also a 13-year-old that, like, is stupid. And if you remember when you were 13, you were a dumb fuck, too.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

Watching the NBA makes you realize how bad college basketball players are at shooting

You watch college basketball for three straight weeks, and then you switch back to the NBA, and you actually wonder if the NBA has bigger rims, because every shot seems to go in. It's like, oh, hey, that open three-pointer, they made it. Oh, wow, a guy didn't just throw one off the backboard when the shot clock's expiring.

Jim Nantz has never been on the internet

Jim Nantz has never been online in any capacity that we're talking about. I don't think he's ever been... unless someone's showing him Instagram on their phone, he's not by himself scrolling on social media.

Baker Mayfield screen-grabbing negative tweets is a baby back bitch move

Baker Mayfield apparently is screen grabbing everything that's ever been said about him negatively. Sounds like a baby back bitch move that Kevin Durant does.

Kevin Durant is the softest superstar of all time

But he [Durant] has to be the softest superstar of all time. LeBron does not get triggered. Kevin Durant had a burner account fucking responding to his own tweets. He literally goes on these podcasts and sounds so angry about everything... stop being such a baby all the time.

If you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life

Trevor [Bauer], the old saying goes, you can build a million bridges, but if you fly one drone into your finger, you're a drone idiot for the rest of your life.

Yankees fans become insufferable immediately on Opening Day

My biggest takeaway from opening day is how much it sucks living in New York when the Yankees, like last year, it wasn't until the end of the season where Yankees fans got insufferable. Day one for the rest of the season. Giancarlo, bro.

You can't live and die on every pitch once you get past the age of 18

You can't live and die on every pitch once you get past the age of 18. ... It's just life. Life eventually beats you down. ... You haven't been excited about a lot of things recently [to Hank].

I'm starting a styrofoam cup and plastic bag company to 'zig' on the green energy market

What do you think the reception would be if we tried to start a styrofoam cup plastic bag company? ... I feel like there's a market for it because a styrofoam cup is a sturdy cup. ... I bet you we could get in on this nostalgia and be like 'hey, remember the cups that like killed all the wildlife in the world? We're bringing them back.'

I'm starting a Prussian bot farm to brainwash America into being aggressively moderate

What about Prussian bots? ... They'd be centrist. Yeah, like super, super centrist and try to brainwash America to vote for, I don't know, Mitt Romney. ... Let's get a Prussian bot that gets Mitt Romney back in—I like it. Romney, Lincoln Chafee, 2020.

MLB doesn't need a catcher for the first two strikes if no one is on base

Why for like the first two strikes of a batter, if there's nobody on base, do you really need a catcher back there? ... It would fuck the batter up, and it would also throw off the timing because the pitcher would just throw the ball, and then he'd have to walk and go get the ball that he just threw.

There is too much sugar in the world and not enough salt (truth-tellers)

There's not a lot of truth tellers in the world anymore. And so sometimes instead of saying the entire truth, people say a portion of the truth and then try to say something maybe that's kind of sweet so it's not offensive... There's a little too much sugar, and sometimes it doesn't have to be sugar. We just need to tell the truth.

Derek Jeter is unqualified to run a baseball team

What has Jeter done ever to run a team as a success? What has he done ever, period? What businesses has he ever run? ... Bernie Williams carried him when he was on the Yankees. So what makes him qualified to run this team other than he was a ball player? None. Nothing.

The Marlins need to market themselves as an expansion team and lower expectations

They're like an expansion team. I told them at the town hall meeting and in my meeting, you've got to make people think it's an expansion team and lower expectations. ... Stop trying to tell everybody you're going to be a winner this year.

MLB should have every player miked up for regular season games

They should just have everyone miked at all times. I would love it. I'd watch another feed. ... First five innings. Perfect.

I could kill a man with a football from 10 yards away

If a guy's standing right there and I threw a football at his head, I think I could kill him. ... Deadly within probably 10 yards, I'd imagine.

College basketball is better when Grayson Allen is playing the villain role

College basketball is better when you've got Grayson Allen shoving his ass into people and spitting on old ladies on the side of the court.

UConn's dominance is ruining women's college basketball

I have not heard enough of the UConn women's college basketball ruining women's college basketball takes this year.

John Beilein is the best coach in college basketball

John Beilein, he's the best coach in college basketball. I said it before the tournament. Their defense is unbelievable. Their offense has kind of finally shown up.

Leonard Hamilton didn't foul at the end of the Florida State game to help boosters cover the spread

I still maintain, and I've long time maintained this, that the coaches coach for spreads for boosters... what are the chances if you foul him, are you not going to cover the four and a half? Very high. Right. So you've got to make a business decision, a little Cam Newton business decision, say, no foul.

Shark Week sucks until they show a shark eating a human being

Until they show me a shark eating a human being, I will not watch Shark Week... I still think I saw through the fraud of Shark Week... they told me they found Megalodon and they got me all wet and didn't fuck me.

Cubs fans have issues if they think Bryce Harper is the solution to turning the franchise around

If Cubs Nation is banking on Bryce Harper to turn our franchise around, they have a lot of issues.

It is an honor to be invited to the White House regardless of political views

If we win the World Series, am I going to the White House? I think it's an honor to be invited to the White House. No matter your political view or whatnot, there's a lot of history there.

Physical wide receivers are harder to cover than fast ones

I think a wide receiver, that's physical [is harder]. Just for the simple fact, they could push you everywhere, but you're not allowed to touch them at all.

The Jaguars defense is elite because of the secondary, not the defensive line

I'm going to say DBs just because of who we got back there. Defensive Baxonville. That's what it should be, not Saxonville. Pick six in Ville.

Deion Sanders is the best cornerback in NFL history

Who is the best cornerback in the history of the NFL? Deion Sanders, Jason Sehorn? I'm going with Deion Sanders.

Chris Collinsworth is a biased broadcaster who irks players

You could tell [Chris Collinsworth] is a little bit biased... A lot of people say he irks them... I just didn't like how he was talking... the one play in the Super Bowl when [Zach] Ertz scored and he was saying, 'that better not be a catch.'

Duke only lost to Kansas because of a blown call on a blocking foul

[Duke] just lost when they should have won because they got called for a blocking foul that was a charge.

Sam Darnold's draft stock improved because he threw in the rain during his pro day

Are you nervous that Sam Darnold could throw in the rain? ... There actually were articles written that was the rainy weather. Did the rainy weather help Sam Darnold's draft stock? I think absolutely.