Takes

The Seahawks' lime green color rush uniforms are divine

The Seahawks lime green uniforms are divine. They are like highlighter green.

SkyCam is the superior way to watch football because it shows the verticality of the game

Football's a vertical game. You need to see how it goes downfield. You don't get that from the sideline camera angle. Us all 22 guys, we live for the Skycam.

NBA players who airball a three-pointer should be sent directly to the bench

Jeff Van Gundy had a Mike Greenberg's Dumb Rules that I fucking love. If you airball a three-pointer in the NBA, you should have to go directly to the bench. It should just be a penalty box or something.

Rudy Gay is the most apathetic star in basketball

There's no one who is as good at basketball but cared less about playing basketball than Rudy Gay. That guy was just so apathetic to who won or lost a game.

The Buccaneers are on the verge of quitting on Dirk Koetter

I think the Bucs are pretty close to quitting on their coach. Dirk Koetter with his weird librarian glasses and a fake name and his Brillo pad hair.

Hank is more of a 'street kid' the hosts took in than a 'child' of the show

I consider you [Hank] like a street kid that we came across one day that stole something from us, and then we chased you down, and we punched you, and then we felt bad because we beat you up, and we're like, oh, we'll take care of you.

The NBA is officially the emo league

I'd like to just say I'm done with the word petty to describe the NBA. We passed petty like a year and a half ago. I think emo is now the correct answer.

Twitter's move to 280 characters makes the platform the worst

My hot seat is Twitter, because they have officially made everyone have 280 characters, and it's the worst... I had 280 characters before anyone else, not to brag, but I said to both of you that it's the worst because I get tired even writing 280 characters, let alone reading it. So fuck Twitter for doing that.

People with poorly manicured lawns should be legally liable to be beat up by their neighbors

Isn't there a law out there that's like, I don't know, like just like the being, don't be a shithead neighbor law where if you don't rake your leaves for long enough, your neighbor's allowed to kick the shit out of you? ... If your lawn looks like shit, you are liable to get the shit kicked out of you by someone in your neighborhood.

Barstool would receive a substantial check in the mail if they threatened to sue Sam Ponder for interference with contractual relations

If someone, knowing that you are about to enter into some kind of a business relationship with a third party... attempts to have that contract stopped... That is the very definition of this case, of that tort. ... If somebody from Barstool or you guys wrote a short letter saying we're thinking of suing you for interference with contractual relations, I would guess that'd be a fairly substantial check in the mail within a week.

I could take Christian Ponder in a duel because he was a terrible quarterback and he is a beta

I would like to duel Christian Ponder. I actually think I could take him. Yeah, he was a terrible quarterback. He's a beta. I'm a mental alpha.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL because the Packers are trash without him

The Packers' Monday Night Football performance just proves, and I've said it for a long time... Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the NFL because that team sucks without him. He makes everything good. And you put Brett Hundley in there and they look like a shell of themselves.

Robert Kraft is definitely a heavy emoji user in his text messages

Bob Kraft definitely uses emojis. Big time emoji guy. He probably does like the fist pound instead of saying like, you know, good call... He's got, he found poop, the poop emoji like six months ago. But with like 95 print font.

Any potential player ejection in the NFL should be reviewable

I think that we are at the point in this game where any potential ejection ought to be reviewable... because if everything's about players' safety... then if there are egregious acts that don't get called, even if they get called and they're not ejected and should be, then I think replay ought to be able to jump in.

NFL officials should be limited to 30 seconds of slow-motion replay per game

In the course of any game, the officials should only get like 30 seconds worth of slow-mo that they can use. And so you got to use it smart. It's like Turbo and NBA Jam.

LeBron James is using Dwyane Wade as a mouthpiece for his callouts of teammates

I like what Dwyane Wade's doing because now we see AI, the evolution of technology. LeBron no longer has to subtweet. He can just use Dwyane Wade as a little ventriloquist.

The Kardashian curse is real and it claimed Tristan Thompson

Tristan Thompson never missed a game in his career. He got Khloe Kardashian pregnant, and now he's out a month... Kardashian curse.

Carlos Correa should hand over his man card for proposing right after winning the World Series

Yeah, that's a problem for me because you don't want to propose at the best possible time of your life because everything's downhill from there. It's too much of a good thing... You're basically giving yourself Christmas and your birthday on the exact same day.

The Houston Astros should have kept the center field hill

I wish that they had kept that hill because that is the dumbest thing that has ever been put in a baseball field, and it needed to stay.

Gender is a wide spectrum

First of all, gender is a spectrum, Kat. Don't forget that again. Gender's a very wide spectrum. ... By the time you're 40, you're going to not care about anything anymore. Just wear women's clothing. ... If I did that, I would tell you, why do I care?

Lenny Dykstra is a genius

Let me tell you something, okay? Lenny Dykstra, no matter what he's done in his life after baseball, don't matter to me. But he's a genius. Love Lenny. He's probably an idiot savant. He's probably got some ADHD. ... Lenny Dykstra, as we called him when I was a kid, nails. ... This guy was a tough SOB.

Individual investors should avoid stock selection and stick to ETFs

Buy ETFs, okay? And stay out of the individual stock selection business if you're not an expert. That's what I would tell you. ... While you guys are joking around, your listeners are right now burning into their brain the laws of compound interest. ... If you want to be rich and transform the society and transform your life, start saving some money.

Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are disappointed

The Major League Baseball is better when the Dodgers are good. That's what people always say. I don't really believe that. I like Los Angelinos to be very disappointed in all their sports because they have everything else.

Deshaun Watson would have failed on the Browns because they ruin all quarterbacks

Deshaun Watson is forever going to be the could-have-been-on-the-Browns guy. But what people don't realize is he would have sucked on the Browns because that's what the Browns do to quarterbacks.

Texting your date from the bathroom to tell them they look sexy is an alpha move

A-Rod revealed today that when his first date with J-Lo, he went to the bathroom and he texted her, you look sexy AF... fellas, if you're trying to get it... I mean, it's alpha move only for Alex Rodriguez. I feel like this is a new move.

The Raiders have lost their mojo because they aren't getting enough penalties

Jack Del Rio said that they've lost their mojo. You want to know why? Because they're like one of the least penalized teams in the NFL. That's not Raiders football.

Bill Belichick spearheaded the Jimmy Garoppolo trade and wasn't forced into it by Robert Kraft

What I was told was that this is definitely Belichick running the show here... this was a trade that Belichick took on himself... I think it is really Belichick kind of spearheading it.

Men's college basketball is more physical than the NBA

Every NBA coach will tell you that men's college basketball is more physical than the NBA... they still let you beat the shit out of each other instead of calling the fouls that they call in the NBA.

Steph Curry would not be as successful if NBA refs allowed the physicality of college basketball

You think if they let – If they let guys in the NBA handle Steph Curry the way they handle college kids in college, he'd be able to do what he does? Absolutely not.

The NFL is the toughest sport to coach in the world

To me, the toughest sport to coach is the NFL. So those guys, to me, are the best coaches in the world.

Skip Bayless and the 'First Take' crew are 'schmos' who sold out for $6 million paychecks

You would go on TV, you would get all caught up in the whole TV thing, and then you'd start becoming like First Take or something. You'd start becoming like Skip Bayless and everybody would think... Remember these guys? They used to be good guys. Now they're a schmo... And they get $6 million for doing that. And I just did this for free, me and you, and I'm way better than that.

Tom Brady looks down on every NFL player who gets injured because he thinks his body is elastic

Tom Brady was talking about how his trainer has taught him how to not get injured ever. And so Tom Brady looks down on everyone that gets injured because he knows... when he gets hit, he thinks immediately when the helmet hits him to extend his body and to make his body more elastic. And that way, when he lands on the ground, he actually doesn't get hurt because he thinks all these things when he gets hit from the blind side.

Facial hair is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows you can hunt and gather

Facial hair on a man, that is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows that you can provide for a family, you can hunt, you can gather, you can do it all.

NFL catch rules are bullshit after the Zach Miller non-touchdown

I am still so fucking mad about Zach Miller and that catch that wasn't a catch that was a catch. And I know, I know that this is, you know, the Calvin Johnson rule... but this is fucking bullshit. And it's the reason why, even though I love sports, I hate sports... I was that mad that Zach Miller broke his leg for nothing.

Sleep is the enemy of greatness for football guys

Sleep is the enemy of greatness. Football guys would just prefer to not sleep ever if they could.

The original 'IT' and 'The Shining' are the only good scary movies

The problem is scary movies, I feel like, are always shitty movies, but a really good scary movie, like the original IT, was great... and The Shining, that is fucking awesome.

Roger Goodell is incompetent for not having blackmail on Jerry Jones

If you want to point your finger at [Goodell] for one thing... it's his complete negligence and incompetence for not being able to pick up any sort of compromising material on Jerry Jones... He's really not that difficult to compromise.

The 'shark photo' was the beginning of the end for Jim McElwain at Florida

I'd say it all went south when we all just thought that Jim McElwain was fucking a shark... When you have to hold a press conference saying you did not fuck a shark, that probably means the job's not for you.

Kiko Alonso should be suspended and punished severely for his hit on Joe Flacco

Kiko Alonso, should he be suspended forever? He should be covered in birdseed and strapped to the top of a mountain. [Joe Flacco's] hair looked pretty fucking sweet when his helmet popped off... but [Alonso's hit] was [awful].

Crying blood or bleeding from the ear makes a football player look more badass

His ear, having a bloody ear is just a badass look. There are certain orifices that when you bleed out of them, you look like you're Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator... If you cry blood, that's one. If you have blood coming out of your ear, that's another.

Jonathan Quinn is the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL

Jonathan Quinn might be the worst quarterback to ever play more than one game in the NFL.

Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback than Ben Roethlisberger during the Steelers' first Super Bowl run

Ben Roethlisberger, people forget Ben Roethlisberger, his first couple years, he was really bad. They would basically be like, if we just run the ball enough, maybe he won't fuck it up. That Super Bowl he won, the first one. Honestly, Antwaan Randle El was a better quarterback.

I will be a great character witness for Big Cat and PFT to save the ESPN show

I think I would have been a great character witness. [I would tell John Skipper] Mr. Skipper, you know how salamanders mate for life? Well, these two guys, they're a perfect pair together.

High school football coaching in America fails to prepare quarterbacks for the college spread offense

what we're seeing at the college level is all these high school kids are running like fancy, like pro-style offenses where they just hand the ball off and they play under center too much and they're not preparing kids enough for the college game to play in the spread offense.

Art makes you lazy and softens your brain

Art's kind of like... I heard art makes your mind a little too active. Art makes you lazy. You're using the wrong brain muscles when you're doing art. That's not football muscles.

You cannot lead a clubhouse while wearing adult braces

[Joe Girardi's] problem was he could never recover from having braces. Adult braces. You can't be a leader of men with adult braces... if you can't straighten your teeth out, you can't straighten out a clubhouse.

The TV show should have remained titled Pardon My Take rather than changing it to Barstool Van Talk

I was against the name change. I thought [Pardon My Take] made sense from a branding standpoint from what we've built right here to bring our audience over to television. I thought it made all the sense in the world to keep the show's name as [Pardon My Take].

I stand by the totality of my work despite previous offensive comments used to cancel the show

I've said many things that I'm sure if you showed to me today, I'd be like, eh, probably not the best. But I think more than anything, more than like one tweet or one word you said, you should be judged by the totality of everything you've done. And I will stand by everything I've done at Barstool. I'll stand by the platform that it's given me. I'll stand by the audience that I've built.

No one ever wins an internet fight

No one wins an internet fight. And no one knows what they're talking about. No, no one ever wins an internet fight. I've learned that. I've gotten in many internet fights. I've gotten in internet fights I regret over and over. No one wins an internet fight.

Pete Rose belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame as a player

As a baseball player, put him in the Hall of Fame. Don't let him hold a job. That's it. If you cheat in grad school, I don't take away from your undergrad degree. And that's the way I look at it with Pete. He did something wrong as a manager. Now, if you can prove he bet as a player, then I wouldn't put him in the Hall of Fame.