Takes

Being a Resident Assistant in college is a terrible job

Don't be an RA. Don't fucking do it. Listen, if you need the free housing... Go work the streets, but don't be an RA. An RA is worse than a mall cop.

I do not like Skyline Chili

I do not like Skyline. Thankfully, we staved off PFT... so if you can just find me crackers and hold everything else that Skyline offers, I'd be a big Skyline fan.

Skyline Chili's cheese is actually good

I'll say this about Skyline Chili... I like the cheese. The cheese is good.

Kyrie Irving wouldn't have gotten off the bench for John Wooden in the 1960s

If [Kyrie Irving] played back in the 60s, he wouldn't have got off the bench on John Wooden's team. Dribbles between the legs too much. A little bit of a ball hog. A little bit of a flashy showboat. But I guess if you score points in today's day and age, that's all you need.

Rooftops are overrated for drinking

I think that rooftops are actually overrated. I'm a beer garden guy. I'm a beer garden guy and I'm a river guy.

Ohio State's program lacks class compared to Michigan

My hot seat is Ohio State. I'm sorry. The Ohio State University. We went to Michigan today. We met with Jim Harbaugh. It was great... All class exuding from the campus on Ann Arbor, unlike those guys down in Columbus. I'm just saying. They could – You still can rectify it. We're going to Columbus today. I don't want to be too mean to the guys in Columbus, but I'm just saying you guys are behind right now.

Leonard Fournette’s parents are geniuses for naming both sons Leonard

If you're a parent out there, a new parent, and you're thinking about having a couple kids and you think one is going to probably be better than the other, name the shittier kid just Leonard so that all of his mistakes – Or anytime your good kid, the one that's your breadwinner, fucks up, you can just blame the shittier kid.

Toughness can be built like a callus and the human body craves contact

Think of it [toughness] like building a callus, you know, just like the human body. What a tremendous organism. I mean, it actually craves contact. I mean, it likes contact, craves it, as opposed to a car... So, yeah, much like conditioning can be improved, I mean, so can that callus of toughness and grit also be acquired or improved.

I need football every day in the same way some people need ice cream or a drug.

Some people like and need ice cream. You know, they want to eat it every day. I look at football like that. I need it. I need football. [It's like a drug, yeah.]

It ain't hard being a football player if you're actually a football player.

It ain't hard being a football player if you're a football player. That's it. ... If you're a football player, you crave the contact. You like going to bed at night, having the head hit the pillow, and the muscles are sore. They ache. You've sweated. You're exhausted. As soon as your head hits the pillow and you close your eyes, you're asleep.

Vegans don't know what they're talking about and organic food is a sham

Here's what I learned. That this – Vegans don't know what they're talking about. And two, the people that are – Organic is – that's a sham too... Organic is not more healthy. It is not sustainable. We're going to 9 billion people on the planet. The resources that it takes to make something organic uses twice the month, twice as the resources that it does otherwise. I mean, that's not sustainable.

I am a staunch defender of adults wearing baseball gloves to games to catch foul balls.

I've always been a fan of and a defender of the baseball glove at the baseball game. Why wouldn't you wear a baseball glove? ... People think that grown men wearing [them is ridiculous], but I'm on your side.

If we die in the van, LeBron James should be our pallbearer so he can let us down one final time

If we die in Vanny Woodhead, let's have LeBron James as one of our pallbearers so he can let us down one final time.

Tyronn Lue wears a three-piece suit to look official when he isn't actually doing anything

Ty Lue [was] wearing a three-piece suit. What the fuck are you trying to prove, dude? He looked like a classic guy like, I don't really do anything for my job, so I'll just dress up really fancy and pretend to type in an Excel spreadsheet all day.

If your wife goes away on business, you should move farther away from her to make her miss you more

Here's a pro tip for all you guys out there that are married. If your wife goes away on business, move farther away from your wife. Make her want to come to you.

A truly gritty person doesn't want to explain what grit is

I think in all fairness, if you are gritty, you don't want to be the person explaining what it is. You just go out and you do your job every day. And then everyone else can decide if you're gritty or not.

A quarterback's fertility and family size are indicators of strong leadership

Between [Philip] Rivers [having eight kids] and [Joe Flacco] having four... Is there something about fertility that you think makes a good leader? I think it just shows that they're strong... leading a big family. Family men, and they're strong leaders.

Cincinnati would have won a national title in 2000 if Kenyon Martin didn't get hurt

I think anybody who doesn't [think we would have won] don't know anything about basketball. [I think about it] not more than four or five times a day.

Deflections are the most important stat when playing a press defense

Since we started pressing, it's deflections. Deflections is a sign of activity and energy. It's disruptive.

LaVar Ball should not be held accountable for facts in his takes

I'm not on board for fact checking LaVar Ball's takes on anything. As far as I'm concerned, LaVar Ball does not when he says things, he doesn't give a shit if they're true or not. He's a prey and spray kind of taker. He's just gonna shoot, shoot, shoot. LaVar Ball, he can't be held accountable for his takes.

Mitchell Trubisky looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow

If you look at Mitchell Trubisky, he looks like the Jersey Shore version of Tim Tebow. Just put that thought in your head for a while.

I love Marcus Smart as much as I love JaVale McGee and Draymond Green

I am starting to love [Marcus Smart] on the same level that I love JaVale and Draymond. The box-out that he had last night... that was perfect crazy basketball.

I am officially off Greg Popovich because of how he treats the media

I'm off of him. I'm off of Pop. No, but it's picking up a little steam. Greg Popovich just being a dickhead to people while everyone says, wow, Pop tells it like it is. He's so funny. And then he says a long political statement without really saying anything. And everyone's like, man, Pop keeps it real.

Kevin Durant is staying under the radar but he is still a 'baby back bitch'

Not a lot of talk about Kevin Durant being a baby back bitch. Nobody says. He's under the radar right now. Just don't forget the sloucher, the Durantula, the servant... It's all falling in nicely for Kevin Durant, though. He's staying under the radar, so just keep your eye out.

LaVar Ball is the greatest character Vince McMahon ever created

LaVar Ball he is the greatest character that Vince McMahon ever created. It's like everything. I mean, he basically went on Colin Cowherd's show and nagged all women. He was like, I'm not selling you. You're not big ballers. And then all the women were like, wait, we want to be big ballers too. All right, fine. I'll sell you some shirts.

NPR's pledge drives are a form of extortion

One of the big things now is if you'll give a donation, we will stop soliciting money. It's extortion. In other words, they're on there with some kind of meaningless promotion... and their attitude is, you want us to stop, right? Give us some money.

A-Rod probably writes notes to himself reminding him to pull out

A-Rod actually strikes me as the type of guy who has to write a reminder to himself being like, remember to pull out. Like five times a day. It's like praying to Mecca if you're Muslim.

Tom Brady is revealing he has concussions as a way to avoid sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to get out of having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt.

Men only wash their hands after peeing if someone else is in the room

I only wash it when there's someone else in the room that's going to wash it and they look down on you... I was in the bathroom with one of our boss bosses... and it was like, okay, is he going to go? Are you going to go? I wish I had just had the balls to be like, hey, we're guys. Let's just not wash.

Isaiah Thomas should be called 'Mizea' because he only cares about his own stats

I call him Mizea instead of Isaiah because he just cares about his own stat line.

Men wearing rompers will get laid more because everyone can see their package

Actually, this is a combo hot seat cool throne for guys with big dicks because hot seat, you might just be flashing people with your romper cool throne. Everyone can see your big dick. Probably can get laid more.

Scott Brooks is still an awful coach in big games

Scott Brooks, kind of a good coach. And then, like, they watched him in the playoffs... Oh, yeah, Scott Brooks. Oh, yeah, he's still awful. Oh, shit, he just tried to play John Wall and Bradley Beal 24 minutes in a game seven in the second half. Like, oh, yeah. Turns out he is a shitty coach still.

John Wooden could not have coached in the current one-and-done era

I don't think Coach Wooden could have coached in this era because he wanted us to graduate. He wanted us to become educated and learn some moral lessons and how to deal with the people that you care about in meaningful ways.

Banning the dunk ruined the game for basketball fans

I thought [the dunk being banned] was just made to deal with me... But no, it ruined the game for the fans. So that wasn't smart.

I could have played two or three more years in the NBA if we had used chartered planes instead of flying commercial

If they had started chartering planes when I played, I could have played two or three more years. Flying commercial all the time... You have to wake up and catch the first flight out the next day. That wears you out, man. It's horrible.

LeVar Ball's exploitation of his son Lonzo is bothersome

I don't know what [Lonzo Ball] is all about up here because of his dad. His dad gives me the willies. Parents like that really bother me, just trying to exploit their kids like that.

James Harden can reset his entire image and 'bad boy' reputation whenever he wants just by shaving his beard

James Harden has an automatic out whenever he wants. He just shaves his beard and he's like, 'Who are you guys talking about? That other guy?'... I'm clean cut now, so turn over a new leaf. I've changed my whole image. That's actually a good way to, if you're a bad boy, just grow the beard out so that you can always get that get out of jail free and shave the beard.

Derek Jeter's face is starting to look like a baseball glove

He's slowly becoming a member of the Fat Face Club in retirement. That face, it's starting to get basketball shaped a little bit... His face looks like a baseball glove now.

The Warriors' championship will have an asterisk because they cheated by injuring Kawhi Leonard

The Warriors were dead, and then they decided to cheat and came back to life... I, for one, am very happy that this happened because now I'm ready to put an asterisk on the Warriors championship. Just like that. They had a cakewalk through the West. They ran into a hobbled Spurs team.

I am sick of the internet's obsession with everything Greg Popovich does

I'm sick of Greg Popovich... It's the fact that everything he does, everyone says is incredible. Like Greg Popovich is a dick to a reporter. Oh, that's Greg Popovich. He's so funny. He tells it like it is... I hate how everything he does gets applauded by the internet.

New college graduates have a 4-6 year window of 'mulligans' where making mistakes doesn't matter

There's an old saying, make your mistakes early in life. And 22 years old is basically as early as it gets because that's when your real life starts. So you have basically four to six years of mulligans.

Kevin Durant joining the Warriors didn't change the mindset because they were already the team to beat

When [Durant] went there, I think it surprised everybody... but it's the same mindset. You already knew Golden State was the team to beat, and now they're still the team to beat with Kevin Durant. So the mindset didn't change. It was how are we going to beat them.

My Mount Rushmore of all-time teammates includes Greg Oden, Marc Gasol, Zach Randolph, and Rudy Gay

I'd probably have to say Greg [Oden] for one... Marc Gasol... Honestly, I think Zeebo, Zach Randolph for sure... My fourth might be like Rudy Gay. He was a good teammate.

The best way to die is choking on a good meal after the Super Bowl so you don't have to go to work

I think it would be cool to probably choke. I think choking on a good meal would be good... I want to choke the day after the Super Bowl before I have to go into work.

D.C. is a loser town

Say what you want about Dan Snyder. They always compare the D.C. teams because D.C. is a loser town. I agree with that 100%. You can't really make an argument against that.

If a woman approaches me at a bar, she definitely has a hidden angle

I've conditioned myself to think that if a woman approaches me, she definitely, no matter what she talks about, she has an angle. It does not compute to me that a girl wants to talk to me because she's interested in having a conversation with me.

Professional athletes who are 'disability check fat' like Bartolo Colon are the best

Jim Brockmire's favorite is Bartolo Colon. Because you have to love any professional athlete that is very nearly disability check fat.

A franchise's failure is caused by either a curse or a lack of the 'clutch gene'

It comes down to two things. It's either a curse or the franchise doesn't have the clutch gene. As an announcer, those are the two things that you have to talk about.

The NFL letting players take pain pills while banning weed is hypocritical

Good thing that they keep giving everyone all those pain pills and everything like that. There's a difference. Weed's addictive. [Sarcastic] You can only buy pain pills from large pharmaceutical companies who usually have the consumer's best interest in mind.

Derek Jeter is jealous of the massive business success of A-Rod Corp

I think that's the bottom of it, is that Derek Jeter is jealous of all of the business success A-Rod Corp has had... They've signed nonstop baseballs. They sold like 50 golf shirts... Meanwhile, Derek Jeter can't buy the Marlins. Derek Jeter, classic blogger... probably taking pot shots at real businessmen.