Takes

Roger Goodell is back after taking his medicine from Patriots fans

The boos that were rained down on Roger Goodell... He stood up there. He overdosed on his medicine. I think he's back. I think it's now fair's fair.

David Stern was a worse commissioner than Roger Goodell

Which commissioner do you think has done a worse job, Roger Goodell or David Stern when he got into that beef with you? Yeah, that's going to be a tough call... David Stern. Yeah, Stern was not happy with me that day. He was not happy with me asking him something that I've probably asked him 20 times before. [The frozen envelope].

Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James because he has the clutch gene

LeBron is a fraud. He's a hot fraud. Michael Jordan's all that. He's an all that guy. Get your 32, 11, 6, bank it. More importantly, clutch gene.

Lady Gaga's Super Bowl halftime performance was stellar

Lady Gaga's halftime performance, which was stellar, by the way. Anyone who hated that, get out of my face. Stop listening to this show.

Mark Wahlberg leaving the Super Bowl early was a bad move

Marky Mark, Miami Heat fan slash New England Patriot fan. Left in, what, like 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter? Yeah, he left really early... how about you respect your favorite player, I assume, Tom Brady, and his ability to come back in a game. That's a bad look... that was a fucked up move for you to leave.

Roger Goodell is being negligent by not knowing Barstool since they've been 'threatening his life'

[Roger Goodell] said he had never heard of Barstool Sports before. I believe him, yo. Which is bullshit. And as Dave and Hank mentioned, he's being negligent if he doesn't know who Barstool is because they were the ones that have been threatening his life. Allegedly. Through his own ignorance, he's actually putting the entire NFL in harm's way by not making sure that he takes all the precautions to stay alive.

The Falcons take some luster off the Super Bowl because they haven't won anything yet

It feels, maybe it's the Falcons, and the Falcons forever will be kind of a fake team, and I don't mean that, no offense to Falcons fans, but that's just, they have to win something, right? No, but they have to win something to be, that's just how it works, right? So the Falcons definitely take a little luster off the Super Bowl.

New England's musical culture is better than Atlanta's in a landslide

If you stack [Boston and Atlanta] up side by side, it's not even close in terms of musical culture. In Boston, you've got Stained. You've got New Kids on the Block. You've got LFO... In Atlanta, you've got Travis Tritt, and that's it... New England in a landslide.

I was actually the original Tom Brady but I just never got the chance to prove it

I was originally the first Brady and timing was a bitch. You know, they drafted Bledsoe and [Parcells] like, I can't play [you]. I love you, but I got to play this guy... I wasn't ready, man. I just wasn't ready.

The Patriots' roster strategy is just signing every productive white receiver in the league

They found the team aspect defensively... they reload at receiver, man. They get [Chris] Hogan, freaking lacrosse player. They got Edelman. If Edelman is going to go down, they'll probably go get that [Cole] Beasley kid from Dallas... You're just picking out white guys... That's what the national press thinks they like to do.

The Super Bowl is played at a speed so fast it's hard to even remember individual plays

It is so fast that I could probably tell you in 14 years, I could tell you every game that I played in from a rookie to a third-year player... and I can barely recall plays from the Super Bowl. It's that fast. It's wait, wait, wait. ... and then all of a sudden, you're on the field, and it's like the final drive.

Rob Gronkowski's signature spike is a rip-off of my 2006 celebration

Just so you know, that Gronk spike looks eerily familiar to the one that I used in 2006.

Mike Wilbon is actually a blogger because his job is the same as Barstool's

Has somebody explained to Mike Wilbon that his job is pretty literally our job? So he's a blogger, too. He doesn't even write columns anymore. You know what? Anybody that doesn't like bloggers, guess what? You're a blogger. I'm going to call you a blogger.

Coach K took a leave of absence just to create 'adversity' as an excuse for Duke potentially failing

I figured it out. Duke was the favorite to win the national title. ... Coach K just added his own little adversity, so when he ultimately fails this season and doesn't coach them to a national title, he said, well, I dealt with a lot of outside things this year.

The left wing of politics is where the 'cucks' sit and the right wing is where the 'frogs' sit

What PFT really was trying to say was the left is where the cucks sit, and the right is where the frogs sit... Everyone's doing green face on the right. You got a bunch of snowflakes on the left. They're all triggered.

Michael Vick's legacy is secure as one of the best quarterbacks ever

I'm just going to throw it out there. I think Michael Vick's legacy is secure. He's one of the best quarterbacks ever.

Aaron Rodgers will eventually jump to the 4th or 5th best quarterback ever

I actually, well, a year ago, I put Aaron Rodgers as number 10 right above Bart Starr. And so I have him as number 10. But Rodgers is 10 right now, and I think he's probably going to jump up to, like, 5 or 4.

Kirk Cousins is comparable to Andy Dalton and Alex Smith as a quarterback

I think you'd have to have a good running game. I mean, you kind of look at Kurt as kind of, well, I mean, He and Andy Dalton, I think, are very similar. And you put him probably in the same vein as Alex Smith.

Shaka Smart having an assistant hold a paint can to remind players to stay in the paint is a good move

You know, we make fun of a lot of things and we kind of have a good time on this podcast, but I actually buy this move. Full on. That is like a literal, you know, get into the paint while a guy's flashing a can of paint in your face. You remember to get in the paint.

Alex Smith should start a business holding penises in photos so his small hands make them look larger

Alex Smith should start a business where he is like a contractor for guys taking dick pics. He's like, 'I'll hold your dick in the picture' [so it looks bigger because of his small hands].

Super Bowl babies are a myth because fans are too bloated and drunk after the game to have sex

Super Bowl is the last day that you have sex because everyone eats. You eat a million pigs in a blanket. You drink beer. You sit on the couch. You're [fat], you [fart]. You're not having sex.

Andy Reid is a better coach in Orlando than in Hawaii because he isn't drinking Mai Tais on the beach

Andy Reid [is back, he] won the Pro Bowl. It turns out Andy coaches a lot better in Orlando than he does in Hawaii when he's on a beach drinking Mai Tais for nine hours before the game.

Major League Baseball is the easiest sport to win money on

I would say Major League Baseball is the easiest sport to win. No issue about it. Because, again, think about it. The longevity of the cycle of the season gives you the advantage. Like college and pro football are the two hardest.

The only way to make money gambling is to bet one game a week and load up

You bet one game a week. Load up. That's the only way to make money gambling. You cannot make money gambling betting every single day. None, never, has never happened.

Atlanta is a bad sports town

Atlanta's getting dragged as we say on the internet. Everyone knows it, it's a bad sports town. It's a good sex town, but it's a bad, bad sports town. I feel like everyone's talking about how Atlanta doesn't really deserve a championship because they're a bad sports town.

Kentucky basketball fans wouldn't care if Charles Manson were their coach as long as he won titles

I was like, look, let's be real about what [John Calipari's] job is, is to win basketball games and compete for national titles. And I was like, given how the Kentucky fan base is so rabid, they wouldn't care if Charles Manson was their coach as long as he won a title.

The song 'Bad and Boujee' is overrated

That's another trash opinion, overrated movie... Speaking of bougie, she said 'Bad and Boujee' is overrated. It is. It's overrated. Just because Donald Glover thinks it's hot, all of a sudden it's become the song of a generation. Like, no.

Waffle House is garbage

I think Waffle House is garbage. It's just people go there when they're drunk, and they're like, man, Waffle House is really good.

The movie Scarface is overrated

Another trash opinion, overrated movie. It wasn't a box office flop. It was. She doesn't like Scarface.

Matt Ryan has been underappreciated for a long time

I do think Matt Ryan has been underappreciated. I thought this was a serious sports part of the podcast... No, I think Matt Ryan's underappreciated, has long been underappreciated. So I'm rooting for him because I want to see him get a bite of this apple.

Roger Goodell is gaslighting fans into thinking Thursday Night Football is a good product

Well, it's called gaslighting, Big Cat, and it's actually like a thing that works. So Goodell is gaslighting us, which is awesome. He's doing a really good job of it. He's saying, you all enjoyed watching Thursday Night Football. It was a great product. And then if he says enough, I'm like, holy shit. Thursday night football was awesome.

LeBron James' subtweet is the most passive-aggressive thing he has ever done

The big story that we have waiting for the Super Bowl week to start is LeBron with the most passive-aggressive tweet I think I've ever seen... He said, I'm not mad or upset at management... I just feel we still need to improve in order to repeat, dot, dot, dot, if that's what we want to do. That is the most ridiculous subtweet that LeBron has ever, it's not even a subtweet, it's a direct tweet. He didn't add anyone, but he's adding the management.

LeBron James is setting up a pre-planned excuse in case the Cavaliers lose the Finals

[LeBron is] also setting expectations. So, like, if they lose in the finals, like, hypothetically, if it's a 4-0 sweep, hypothetically speaking, that's definitely not me saying that's going to happen. He's got an excuse prepped right there.

Tell your employer you have narcolepsy on your first day so you can nap at work

A little tip for all you guys entering the workforce out there, and girls. Say on your first day that you have narcolepsy... and that you need, if you ever get caught napping, it's just a medical condition.

You are 'city rich' when you travel from New York or Chicago to Milwaukee

When you go to Milwaukee, you're city rich. You go from New York or Chicago to Milwaukee, tip people $20, pay for their mortgage. Opens a lot of doors.

I hate that the NCAA is releasing top 16 seeds in mid-February

They are now going to try to drum up a little more intrigue to the NCAA tournament. So they're going to release the top 16 seeds starting mid-February... I hate that. Takes a little bit out of it. One of the great things about that tournament was I didn't have to spend any time thinking about it until that Sunday night.

Barron Trump is officially off-limits for comedy

Cool throne, Barron Trump officially off limits. Can't make fun of Barron Trump. Kids are off limits. No Barron Trump jokes. He's going to be—And the nice thing is, now that no one can make jokes about him, He's going to be a well-adjusted, normal adult. I think it's great.

DeSean Jackson should sue the Instagram model who insulted him to prove a point

DeSean, the only way you can get people to stop talking about your allegedly micropenis is to take her to court, put it in the papers, make sure that everyone knows that if anyone says DeSean Jackson's got a tiny hog, Guess what? He's going to come after you. That's the easiest way to make people shut up.

I am officially a Donald Trump guy if he legalizes sports gambling

I'm immediately a Trump guy if [Trump] does that [legalizes sports gambling].

I love Applebee's way more than Chili's

I love Applebee's. Way more than Chili's. ... I'm just so stuck on Applebee's for some reason.

The NFL is in cahoots with the Green Bay Packers and Dallas Cowboys

Because everybody loves Green Bay. Everybody wants to see Green Bay on top. ... Oh, so conspiracy. The league. The league has a conspiracy. ... Headline grab. ... Green Bay is in cahoots with the league. Yeah. They like the... Done. It was Dallas, you know.

Jimmy Butler is a top ten player in the NBA

How many players play on a basketball team? Five. And how many teams play at the same time? Two. Okay, so that's what? Ten. Okay, so the NBA All-Star Game rosters came out. Jimmy Butler was named a starter... that would make him a top ten player.

The Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history

Is there any doubt that the Pittsburgh Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history? I don't think Belichick and Brady... they're not going to stack up with the Pittsburgh Steelers in terms of the affection that our football nation has for the black and gold.

Robert Kraft likes Donald Trump because Trump claimed he could get Kraft's Super Bowl ring back from Vladimir Putin

Do you think that Robert Kraft is a Trump fan because Trump said that he could get a Super Bowl ring back from Putin for him? He likes Trump so that Trump can get his jewelry back.

Chris Christie's 'double spin zone' regarding his failed Trump job search is a masterclass in handling embarrassment

Chris Christie, double spin zone. I'm on his side. That's how you – when you get embarrassed like Chris Christie gets embarrassed, you need to layer your spin zone.

LeBron James knows he is a physical specimen but still flops to manipulate the game

It's so funny when LeBron has one of those flop moments, and it's almost like he thinks that we don't realize that he's 6'8 and 260 pounds of pure muscle. And this guy's like flopping. Draymond Green's smaller than him. And they collide. And LeBron basically can bulldoze over anyone in the NBA whenever he wants. But at this point, he's dead. And then he pops back up and he's okay.

Joel Embiid needs to earn his 'umlaut' like Yankee stripes

You earn your umlaut, Joel. Your Yankee stripes. That's right. So, here's a little tip, buddy. So you kind of dug yourself in a hole with this one. Maybe bury the hatchet. Go on [Mia Khalifa's] Amazon wish list and buy her... get her that Sibian she's been looking for.

Tom Brady gamed his initial Patriots combine tests to make his late-career improvement look better

The damnest thing is happening with Brady. In each of the past three years, he improved his test scores in every category... [Hmm]. I used to do that when I did CrossFit... you would just do really, really bad the first one. And then just kind of coast the rest. So maybe that's what Brady's doing.

The contestants on The Bachelor who cried over the Backstreet Boys were faking it

I'm calling bullshit on this. If there's some girls, maybe some girls, like, 1994, 1995 born, they were, like, five years old when Backstreet Boys were big... I feel like that was a try-hard move to start crying for that because they probably don't remember them, right?

Tony Romo would have won the game for the Cowboys because Dak Prescott was 'too efficient' and scored too early

Tony Romo probably would have won that game in Dallas... Dak is better than Tony, but he's exactly better enough that the Cowboys would have scored later on in the game to tie it up. So Dak scored too soon. He was too efficient. Romo would have tied it, sent it to overtime.