Takes

Jim Rome is an awful, irritating broadcaster

Oh, [Jim Rome] is terrible. He's awful. And I mean, another one, what does he have to invent a new language for? And he speaks in a whole different way.

Jim Rome is a treasure who has done more for the human race than almost anyone else in media

I think Jim Rome is a treasure. I think that he has done more for the human race than just about anybody outside of Bristol, Connecticut.

Young people need to stop using the word 'like' as a filler word

All people your age and younger do this. The word 'like'. I'm trying to stop [them].

Tiger Woods switched to Bridgestone golf balls so he can blame the equipment for his poor play

I like the choice by Tiger because you go off brand, you can always blame the balls... I thought these balls had the spin and distance and torque that I needed for my game. I was wrong. That's why I broke my back again and it had nothing to do with the steroids.

Every child born in 2016 is inherently evil

Since 2016 sucks, the futures market for kids is way down right now, because every kid born this year is evil. That's how horoscopes work, by the way.

Jay Mariotti is just a troll looking for attention

It's called a troll that's looking for attention. And I absolutely played right into what he wanted.

Jeff Fisher couldn't even succeed at losing, which is the most losing thing of all

In my opinion, if you're going to do something, be the best at it. He couldn't even succeed at losing, which is really the most losing thing of all.

A college football coach shouldn't be fired if there's a 'rat' in the building selling plays

So if you missed the story, literally the radio guy for Wake Forest has been selling playbooks and insider information to all of Wake Forest's opponents for the last three years. I didn't know anyone needed help to beat Wake Forest... You can't fire a coach if there's been a rat in the building, right?

People who complain about how much 2016 sucked are officially on the hot seat

My hot seat was, I think I talked about this a month ago, but I want to officially throw it on the hot seat because we're getting close to the end of the year. People who complain about how much 2016 sucked. You only have two weeks left to be a whiny little bitch on Twitter talking about how 2016, worst year ever.

The 'Yates of Hell' nickname is the greatest for someone who can't back it up

Maybe the greatest nickname for someone who can't back it up because this is what happens with TJ Yates. You sell yourself on Yates of Hell, and you even bet on Yates of Hell, and then you remember that it's actually just TJ Yates and he sucks.

Yellow colored gloves and cleats should be illegal in the NFL

Should be illegal. I'm going illegal with that. Because we don't want to offend dumb people like yourself.

Jeff Fisher would have broken the all-time NFL loss record if he hadn't been fired

Coach Fisher was one loss shy of the record... speaking with his career, was he going to ever get that record even though it was cut short? [Psychic Laura: 'Absolutely'] He was. It's good to know that if given the time, he would have been successful failing with the losses.

The ban on rookie hazing is killing masculinity in this country

Well, I see where Major League Baseball is coming from, but the fact that they're not letting guys dress up like girls is killing masculinity in this country. It's just sick.

LeBron James is the 'Disney' of the NBA and corny as fuck

He's the Disney of the world. He's the Disney of the NBA. He's the Disney of memes. He makes everything corny as fuck.

Lane Kiffin took the FAU job in Boca Raton as 'self-limiting behavior' because the women there are too old to hit on

Here's my spin zone for Lane Kiffin taking this job in Boca Raton. If he wants to go fuck any guy's wife, it's probably like a 100-year-old woman, so he's not going to do it. It's kind of like self-limiting behavior... Lane Kiffin's not going to go to a place where he just wants to cuck every dude he sees. It's like if you're an alcoholic, go take a job in Utah.

Name your kid 'Coach' so they are respected by peers and have job security

Name your kid coach. Why not just give your son, our daughter, the name coach? That way they're respected by all their peers. If they're playing sports growing up, you're taught to respect your coach, and you also are immune to being fired unless you really, really, really suck at your job.

I could make a lot of money as a 'Hanksy' street performer playing bad music as performance art

I just want to set up one of those musical sets but play really bad music and just make people think it's an art piece and see how much money I can make. You're doing a live Banksy. You're doing a Hanksy... Just stand there and just do [a didgeridoo] over and over again. I think people move so fast in New York, they would be like, oh, this guy's pretty genius.

The subway should have a 'fart car' with a discounted monthly pass

There should be a discounted train pass for a fart car. But would you not pay like 50% less a month on your train pass if – but you can only ride in the fart car?

Derek Carr, Russell Wilson, and Dak Prescott are all 'Cali boys' who cannot handle the cold

I'm keeping a list right now of guys that can't handle the cold because we need to update this as we get into the playoffs. [Derek Carr], [Russell Wilson], and now we've got Dak. You know, they're all Cali boys pretty much.

The punter 'hype bubble' will crash within two weeks

I feel like with those three guys [Hecker, McAfee, King], we're entering a punt bubble. It's unsustainable. Punters can't continue to be cool for the next three weeks. There's got to be a crash in there somewhere. So I'm predicting a punter's going to look really uncool... I'm going to go way out on a limb and say that a punter's going to do something dorky in the next couple weeks.

America needs Russia to be the 'bad guy' again to maintain national focus and competition

Russia is back. And not only that, but America's hate for Russia, which is good. The Cold War is back. It is healthy. We need Russia to be in a spot where we wake up always nervous about Russia. You need somebody to point to as your competition.

Ben McAdoo is an aspirational, try-hard football guy rather than a real one

I still continue to say [Ben McAdoo] is not a football guy. He's a football guy in disguise. He's trying to be. He's an aspirational football—he's a try-hard football guy. Football guys don't even know that they're trying to be football guys. He knows.

Marcus Mariota is a genuine 'baller' and a high-character leader

I could spend an hour raving about Marcus Mariota. He just does shit the right way. He shakes everybody's hand, says hi to everybody, always smiles, and there's never malintent behind what he's saying. It's really cool to be around a guy like that who is actually a [fucking] baller.

Jack Del Rio is like a gambler on a heater who just lost all his money

Jack Del Rio, he's your friend who got on a heater and was like, no, no, no, don't worry, guys. I'm still up. I'm still up. And then you look and he's lost all his money.

Alex Smith is better in the cold because it makes every quarterback equally shitty

Alex Smith, he's better in the cold. Well, I don't want to say he's better in the cold. It's like he's kind of shitty just in general. But when it gets cold outside, it's the great equalizer because everyone's shit.

The NFL should trade coaches between the best and worst teams every year

I'd like to see at the end of every season the worst team trade coaches with the best team and see what happens the next year. Just a quick quirky little rule change.

The Heisman Trophy should just be awarded to the first five picks in the NFL Draft

My Mike Greenberg dumb rule, they should just make the Heisman the first five picks in the NFL draft. So instead of picking the best college player, give us the best, the guys who are going to be in the draft.

Heisman winners should be eligible for the NFL Draft regardless of age

Whoever wins the Heisman should be eligible for the draft no matter what. If they're a freshman, it's your golden ticket.

Brandon Weeden's NFL career was ruined by being drafted by the Browns

Brandon Weeden's pretty much the same way. ... fortunately he got drafted by the Browns. That'll do it to your career. It didn't quite work out.

Coaches and players can block out media criticism, but it deeply affects their families

Coaches and players, they can block that stuff out pretty easy. Family members, that's a little tougher. ... It doesn't affect Skyler [Howard]. It affects his family. It affects his mom. It affects his brothers. It affects guys that can't go out there and do anything.

Mike Leach is a brilliant jack-of-all-trades who knows a little bit about everything

No, he's brilliant. I mean, he thinks he knows everything about everything. The truth of the matter is he knows a little bit about everything. ... He stays up all night long, watches documentary after documentary, and reads books and doesn't sleep very much.

You should never do water bottle flips at Madison Square Garden because it is the Mecca

First of all, I just want to jump in and say this is not behavior you do at the Garden. No. Respect the Garden. You can do this at any other stadium, but you don't do that at MSG. Mecca of basketball.

Great winners don't joke around or get complacent in the 4th quarter

Great winners, when they win, they don't get complacent. They want to win more. They don't joke around playing the fourth quarter. You win one championship, and all of a sudden it's all fun and games, rainbows, and ponies.

LeBron James makes every viral trend lame and manufactured

I just realized that this is – LeBron is Disney. He's like, if there's a meme on the internet, he's going to do it in the most Disney lame move ever. You know, like the mannequin challenge. Oh, they did the mannequin challenge at the White House. He just makes everything so fucking lame.

Winning a game with the Browns would be the biggest moment of RG3's career

If he won the last game of the season and the Browns were winless going into it, that is the biggest moment in RG3's career.

The only way to get a minor celebrity to show up to your event is to give them an award

Here's a free trick. If you ever want a minor celebrity to show up at something that you're doing, just give them an award. And be like, hey, we're giving you an award.

Bill Belichick signs white receivers just to confuse Chris Collinsworth

I think that he just signs white receivers and running backs just to confuse Chris Collinsworth. So the announcers have to take another 15 seconds after they get a first down or touchdown to just make sure that they get the guy's name right.

Jeff Fisher is a king for blaming his failures on Stedman Bailey and Tre Mason

Somehow blamed the last five years of sucking on two draft picks. ... 'We've had some unfortunate things take place with some high picks in Stedman, Bailey, and Trey Mason.' ... King stay king.

The only socially acceptable times for men to cry are at the end of Hoosiers or with a hated coworker to save your job

The only times where it's socially acceptable to cry is at the end of Hoosiers. ... And then with somebody that you hate at work when you're both trying to save your jobs.

Philadelphia fans have lost their edge and gotten soft

I feel like Philly's lost its edge recently. Philly has definitely lost its edge. Yeah, Philly, you guys haven't booed anyone who's hurt their spine recently? Philly's been eating shit and you guys haven't been doing anything... I think Philly's gotten soft. Lost its edge.

You shouldn't complain about robots spying on you if you willingly put an Alexa in your house

I don't feel bad for anyone out there who willingly puts a robot in their living room and then complains when the robots start to take over. ... Don't fucking put a robot that can talk in your house. Once the robots get feelings, then we're all fucked.

Complaints about there being too many college football bowl games are invalid

Shut the fuck up, people who complain about too many bowls. Oh, there's too much football. Free football is always good. If there's something, oh my God, I don't want to have another game I can bet on on a Tuesday afternoon when I don't want to talk to my family over the holiday season. Shut up.

The first two weeks of bowl season are usually when I make my money in gambling

This is usually the time of year that I do really well in gambling, actually. First two weeks of bowl season. That's when you make your money.

Entrance music doesn't actually help athletes; it just entertains the crowd

No, I don't think [entrance music matters]. I mean, I don't know that it helps anybody, but the crowd seems to enjoy it. ... Music's a lot of fun, man. Music's a lot of fun, but I don't know that it helps the athlete.

I recommend testosterone and growth hormone as the best starting performance-enhancing drugs

If you were to use, I would say use testosterone for a couple of reasons. One, it's very effective, but two, it's also very affordable. ... I'll go with testosterone and growth hormone as a second.

An undefeated Group of Five team deserves a shot in the College Football Playoff

Now, if you go 13-0 and 13-0, I think you deserve a shot in the Final Four. I really do. Same thing with a Boise State or a Houston or a Group of Five team that does that.

You will become elite if you surround yourself with elite people, but you'll head to 'Turdville' if you surround yourself with turds

The compass... that's the direction of your life, which will be surrounded by the people that you put yourself around. So if you put yourself around elite people, you're going to be elite. Put yourself around turds or headed towards Turdville.

Jeff Fisher is lowering the unemployment rate by cutting so many players and creating new jobs for others

Since he's been such a bad coach, he's had to cut a lot of players, which means he's created new jobs for other players. So really, he's out there. He's lowering the unemployment rate.

News broadcasts should stop reporting on crimes to discourage copycats, similar to how the NFL stops showing streakers

The news should stop showing all the bad stuff that happens so it's work for me they should follow the NFL's lead once again Roger Goodell is a thought leader trying to improve society so hey news big news producers out there maybe stop leading with mass murders cut away from them and have Gruden just talk that's right and then and then there won't be any more murders

The holiday outrage crowd is officially back

I think the holiday outrage crowd is back. We got people pissed that Zales put a lesbian couple on their holiday ad. We have people pissed that CVS and Macy's aren't more Christmas friendly. Starbucks cups... the war on Christmas crowd.