Takes

Cherry Coke is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

I know where I'm starting. Cherry Coke. Oh, yeah. That's good. Can't believe that one wasn't taken.

Tonic water is straight garbage

The number one worst non-alcoholic drink. It's tonic water. Tonic water is straight garbage. If I see anybody drinking that in my presence, it makes me want to hurl.

NFL players must use a patellar tendon graft to successfully return from an ACL injury

If you want to keep playing... You know you've got to do the patella. No, no, no. That's part of your knee... And that's the best way. I'm continuing playing, and I'm excited about next year.

Double Stuf Oreos are the only real 'regular' Oreos

Double Stuf are legitimate regular Oreos. Old school Oreos are definitely diet Oreos. These thin Oreos that people are trying to say are already diet Oreos? No. Those just aren't real.

Philip Rivers is one of the most underrated players in the NFL

Philip Rivers is, I would say, one of the... I think he's one of the more underrated players with what he can do. He's a pretty amazing quarterback.

The U.S. government should sell sponsorships for wars to pay for them

The U.S. should sell sponsorships for wars. The Iraq War, sponsored by the Susan Komen Foundation. Why not? I think it's a great idea. It pays for itself.

The NFL's ratings are down because players' backs aren't falling off enough

The NFL's ratings are down. Maybe it's because your players' backs aren't falling off enough.

Losing an election should result in an immediate prison sentence

That should actually be the rule in this country. If you lose the election, you should have to go to prison.

Jim Harbaugh and Nick Saban are the same person because they are so committed to the process they don't know the score

I think [Harbaugh] and Saban are the same dude... they are so committed to the process. I would be shocked if Nick Saban knew what the score was in the middle of the game.

Real life in the NFL is way more wild than the show 'Ballers'

Oh, no. Are you kidding me? Real life is way worse than that. In fact, half the stuff you know went down in the NFL. If I went to the producers of Ballers and said, hey, man, I got a great storyline for you. If this actually happened, they'd say, Glaze, are you out of your damn mind? Nobody would ever believe that.

Kyle Long is the strongest and most violent athlete I have ever trained

That is the strongest, most violent individual who's ever put his hands on me in my entire life. And that includes the Chuck Liddells and the Dan Andersons and the Randy Coutures. I mean, it's not even close, dude.

Former NFL linebacker James Anderson could clean out the UFC heavyweight division

James Anderson... I've been actually trying to convince to fight. ... This dude could fight. He really could. He is so athletic and violent, and he understands it. And he's not a big name, but he would clean out the heavyweight division.

The Rock outworks everyone and is the epitome of who you want to be

He is the epitome of what you want to be. He outworks everybody. You don't just get lucky. You don't just be in the right place at the right time. You outwork everybody else to make sure you are in the right place at the right time. And he epitomizes that.

The Spygate tape contains footage of the cameraman creeping on cheerleaders

The starter tape is great because the guy is focusing in on women in the stands. ... Total creeper. He's focusing on, like, women in the stands, and he's focusing it on the Jet cheerleaders. And he's a totally creeper. And then all of a sudden, boom, goes to Jets coaches.

It is impossible that Dwight Howard doesn't know the names of the players on the Golden State Warriors

This comes to us from Dwight Howard, who said that he couldn't name the players on the Golden State Warriors. [Big Cat/PFT]: Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Okay, Dwight... I had no idea. I don't even care about other teams. Yeah.

True locker room talk is just men wondering why the old guy won't put on a towel

The real, if people want to know what real locker room talk is around America, locker room talk is basically just an inner monologue saying, why is that old guy not put a towel around his body? Like, why do I got to look at that old guy's dick?

The Red Sox regret getting rid of Terry Francona

Hank, do you think that the Red Sox are regretting getting rid of Terry Francona? No. I'm going to be the first to say that they are. That's definitely a conversation that needs to happen in America starting now.

This is the year the Cubs are having the most fun

This is the year that we're having the most fun. I guarantee you that. We're having a lot of fun, guys.

We're confident in the guys we're going into battle with and if we do the same thing as the regular season, things might turn out pretty good

I don't see that at all happening. I know that we're confident in the abilities that we have. I know that we're confident in the guys that we're going into battle with, so I think we do the same thing that we do during the regular season, and things might turn out pretty good.

The Cubs would have won the 2015 NLCS if Addison Russell was healthy

People forget that you got injured before the NLCS last year... I think we probably win that series if you're healthy. Would you agree? I would like to agree. I would like to agree.

Theo Epstein is more intimidating than Tom Ricketts

Who is more intimidating when they come walking around the clubhouse, Ricketts or Theo? I would say Theo. What about Jed? Jed has some intimidation factor, but he's just kind of like a little bit short.

I can't remember a single dirty joke Joe Maddon has told me

Can't remember that.

I'm the best dancer on the Cubs — Rizzo is a liar

Oh, if he told you that himself, he's a lion.

I believe in ghosts but I don't believe in curses

I believe in ghosts, too, but I don't believe in curses at all.

The Pfister Hotel in Milwaukee is haunted

The Pfister Hotel is haunted.

In a one-game win-or-die scenario, Clayton Kershaw is the best choice

if you had one game to win and you could have your pick of, let's call it Scherzer, Arrieta, and Kershaw, who are you taking? Kershaw, no doubt. Yeah, but you're friends with him. Yeah, so.

The Rangers' stadium really sucks

That stadium in Texas really sucks. I don't like it. It's just, I just don't like, I don't know, I don't like the setup. Yeah, I mean, the fans always sing, I don't know, it wasn't the toughest place to pitch.

The pressure for male TV announcers to have full heads of hair is messed up

Joe Buck has come out and said that he was addicted to hair plant surgery and almost lost his career... I think that's fucked up, the pressure that we put on our male announcers to look good for the camera. Always be looking good.

Toronto has the best atmosphere for baseball playoff games because they act like hockey fans

I love Toronto's atmosphere for these games. It feels like the Thunderdome, Terrordome, the Coliseum, if you will, best of the best. They are a bunch of hockey fans watching a baseball game.

Sports teams should stop using bird-related nicknames

Can we just call it a day with all the fucking bird team nicknames? I think we've hit our limit. They're not intimidating. It's like somebody asked them for a name and they look up and see the Blue Jays, the Orioles. Just knock it off with the bird team names.

Every lunch order is just a different variation of a sandwich

Panini, sandwich, wrap, sub. Those are my power rankings for lunch. Because if you haven't realized by now that you just eat any kind of form of sandwich for lunch every day, you're an idiot.

Pizza is not a good lunch food because it makes you fall asleep

See, pizza's not good for lunch. I'm just going to throw that out there. When you're eating lunch, my main goal is to just not eat so much that I want to fall asleep. And pizza will always do that to me.

A soup and half-sandwich combo is a 'power move' lunch order

My first one is soup and a half sandwich combo. That's actually a power move. It's a really good lunch. Not enough people order it.

A wet Andy Reid is a sad Andy Reid

A wet Andy Reid is a sad Andy Reid. Andy Reid, I bet, is like when your dog gets wet and smells awful. You don't want a wet Andy Reid.

Germany is the Russell Westbrook of countries: talented, scary, and prone to freak-outs

Russell Westbrook is the Germany. Germany is the Russell Westbrook of players. Cyborg, super talented, kind of scary. Yeah, they just freak out every now and again. Then you have to do a rebuilding process. Dress weirdly.

Bill Belichick is on the cool throne because the Patriots losing shows they actually need him to coach

Bill Belichick is now cool throne because they lost the game with Brisket [Jacoby Brissett], so they actually do need a coach. So it's not just the machine that can go on autopilot.

The NFL should move to shorter, fully guaranteed contracts for players

In my opinion, I think the NFL should sign players to shorter contracts and guaranteed contracts. You're a battering ram. These guys basicially have two years left on a contract, but it's not guaranteed, so they just walk away.

Twitter is essentially the new Associated Press wire service

Twitter is a great tool... I had somebody a few years ago tell me, you know what Twitter is? It's like two generations ago what the Associated Press was. It's like a wire service... On an average Thursday afternoon, if I spend 45 minutes on Twitter, I know what the coach of every team said that day.

Michael Vick should be in the Hall of Fame based on his on-field performance

I would vote Michael Vick for the Hall of Fame based only on what he did on the field. But I don't think he did enough as an NFL player to be on the field. But whatever happened to him off the field, even though it did cost him two years, would not prevent me from voting for him for the Hall of Fame.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

October is the best month of the sports year.

It's October. Best month of the year. Sports year by far. It's the only month where all four major sports will be in action. You got the MLB playoffs. You have all of rivalry weekends coming up for NCAA football. And NFL is starting to really cook.

Wikipedia is officially back and is better than books.

Wikipedia is back in a big way. It ain't stupid. You had the head-to-head matchup, so nobody can possibly say that Wikipedia is stupid anymore. Wikipedia is back... I've always distrusted books, and now it just kind of backed me up.

Skyline Chili is a prank the city of Cincinnati pulled on the rest of the world.

What do you think about my theory that the city of Cincinnati basically was like, we're going to pull a prank on the rest of the world and tell them that when they come here, they've got to try the diarrhea chili?

Wearing black jerseys is a guaranteed loss for Georgia football.

It's when we pull the black jerseys out. If we pull the black jerseys out, it's a guaranteed L, so we need to stay away from that.

LSU is the hardest SEC stadium to play in.

What's the hardest SEC stadium to play in? LSU. Even though we actually hung 52 on them when we played there... But they're insane. Their chants are in unison, which is really, really weird.

Dwyane Wade is the Heat's greatest player of all time, over LeBron James.

I think that Dwyane Wade was our best player of all time, obviously. [LeBron James] gave us two rings, even though he promised eight or seven. But Dwyane Wade was our best player.

David Ortiz definitely used steroids in his final MLB season.

David Ortiz... obviously did steroids in his last year. It's not even a witch hunt, really. I'm rubber stamping it. Witch hunt confirmed. He hit .317. That's the third highest average he's ever had. Connect the dots, Hank. You can't get suspended for steroids if you retire.

Vince Scully's 'retirement' is the coward's way out for an announcer.

I'm glad that Vin Scully's done. I'm just sick of hearing about the farewell tour. It's like, dude, you're just an announcer. I want my announcers like Harry Caray and Jack Buck, they need to stick around to the bitter end. Get a little senile. Vince Scully, you took the coward's way out. What real announcer retires?

You should only celebrate if you win a World Series, otherwise the game is just a chore.

Only celebrate when you win a World Series. Other than that, the game is a chore.

My batting average for making Lorne Michaels laugh was around .300

My batting average with Lorne was probably... in baseball we're talking about baseball batting yeah that's batting right baseball yep um i probably would say i was in the 300 area okay yeah yeah i did pretty well he liked a lot of my stuff