Takes

Baseball needs 'old school' guys like Madison Bumgarner to keep the ecosystem balanced

Madison Baumgartner is one of the last guys that we need in this league because he is an anti-bat flipper, anti-pimp your home run. Goose Gossage is actually very important. He's like a beaver for the ecosystem. If you don't have someone yelling about bat flips... then we're all on Twitter being like, bat flips are awesome. Fuck the old guys. It's like, dude, you're talking about no one now.

James Harden should turn the Scottsdale phone-throwing incident into a cell phone carrier commercial

Dude, every time something like this happens, if you could just figure out a way, if you're James Harden's agent, just create a commercial instantly making fun of this. Do a sprint commercial where you're just grabbing phones out of people's hands, throwing it, then handing them a sprint phone. And everyone would be like, oh, that's funny.

Braves announcer Joe Simpson is the ultimate 'old man yells at cloud' for complaining about batting practice T-shirts

Getting upset about guys taking batting practice in T-shirts... this is maybe my favorite like old man yells at cloud mixed with baseball... Joe Simpson, suck our dicks, dude. You'll never hear this.

Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to the Hall of Fame by banning swearing

I think Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to Cooperstown because if you want to get the Baseball Writers of America on your side, just ban swearing after home runs.

Baker Mayfield needs to stop apologizing for being the bad guy

Baker Mayfield could be the most celebrated college quarterback, but he keeps apologizing. He apologizes so quickly that it's not fun. Baker, part of being the bad guy is you don't apologize. Before the game even ended, he had the fucking tweet that was written out. No, you don't [want to be a role model]. You want to hold your dick in front of Kansas when you put up 40 on them.

The Giants would have beaten the Patriots if they had made it to the Super Bowl.

I think [Bob Kraft] is actually right because Eli Manning is the exact opposite in Super Bowls as Matt Ryan. He sucks for three quarters and then he's really, really good weirdly in the fourth.

LeBron James makes every viral trend lame and manufactured

I just realized that this is – LeBron is Disney. He's like, if there's a meme on the internet, he's going to do it in the most Disney lame move ever. You know, like the mannequin challenge. Oh, they did the mannequin challenge at the White House. He just makes everything so fucking lame.

Gladiator fights to the death would draw huge ratings

If there were to be actual gladiator fights on television... I'd watch. I think it would draw huge ratings. Like, yeah, fight to the death. Someone's got to die. Someone's got to die... Someone's got to die within 10 minutes. Or else they both die.

Conor McGregor is the most electric athlete in all sports right now

Is Conor McGregor the most electric athlete in all sports right now? I think he is. I actually think he is. He's the one guy in the world where I have to watch everything he does... what Conor McGregor does is not only the fight, but it's after the fight. You have to watch what he says. He's unbelievable.

If you die during your team's championship celebration, it is not a bad way to go

Honestly, if you die during your team's championship, not the worst way to go... If you're a Clevelander and you die during the celebration of your first championship, I don't even think that's a Jimbo. I think that they're going to build a statue for you.

Bullying the horse Nyquist off Twitter is a more impressive achievement than winning the Kentucky Derby

Nyquist the horse is a flash in the pan... No one's going to remember Nyquist the horse. Except for the fact that it got bullied off Twitter. That's actually more impressive than the Kentucky Derby. How many Kentucky Derby winners have there been? Like 120? How many horses have been bullied off Twitter?