Paul Bissonnette 06/03/2016

LeBron James will have to move cities or fire his team if the Cavs lose the Finals

It looks like LeBron [James] is going to either have to move cities again or fire his whole team.

LeBron James would be a better player if he had gone to college

I think maybe if LeBron James had gone to college, he would be a better player. What do you learn in college? You learn how to make new friends and how to trust other people. LeBron has some trouble with that.

LeBron James peaked in high school

I'll be the first to say it. LeBron James peaked in high school. There it is. Boom.

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are the big losers of the Warriors' Game 1 win

Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are the big losers of tonight. When it really comes down to it, when you basically had this Warriors team beat and now you're watching this game and you see that the Cavs don't have answers for the Warriors... they're chokers and big time losers again.

We need to stop talking about Shaun Livingston's knee injury because it was a decade ago

At what point can we just move on from the Shaun Livingston knee issue? It's been, I don't know, six, seven years. He's been totally fine for a really long time... I just want people to stop with Sean Livingston's stuff. He had a knee injury 10 years ago. Knees grow back by then.

If you don't watch a graphic sports injury after a warning, you are the biggest pussy alive

When someone says don't watch because it's too graphic, if you then don't watch, you're the biggest pussy alive... That's just basically saying this is going to be so gross you're going to want to puke, but you have to watch it.

The 1990s Bulls are the best team of all time based on combined regular and postseason records

If you add up the regular season and the postseason record, the Bulls already have the title for best team of all time. This chicken is fucked. Put to bed. Tucked in. Like a cigarette.

The San Jose Sharks will be swept if they lose Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals

I would say game three, if they [the Sharks] lose, I could predict a sweep, but I wouldn't count them out.

NHL superstars like Sidney Crosby get better treatment from refs and can bully linesmen into letting them cheat on face-offs

Typically superstars do get a better treatment just because they can bully linesmen a lot more than say no namers... Whereas if Joe Thornton's like, 'Hey, drop the fucking puck when I want it,' he'll be like... 'Hey Michael [Jordan], I didn't see it, but I'm going to call it now.' It's very similar to that.

I would beat Conor McGregor in a fight if we were both wearing hockey skates

If it was you and Conor McGregor fighting... but you're both wearing hockey skates, who wins? Well man, he's got pretty good balance. I would put my money on myself just because I'm a lot bigger than him.

The 'glowing puck' ruined the NHL and likely caused the 2004-05 lockout

The glowing puck, did they get rid of that because it was easier to play defense? I think they took the non-hockey followers word too seriously and kind of ruined the game. I really think that's probably why the lockout happened.

It is easier for the US to win an Olympic gold medal than for a Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup

I would probably say it's easier to win an Olympic gold medal in hockey than it would be to win a Stanley Cup just based on how hard it is... if you have a good two weeks at the Olympics and all your lines are clicking, you get a gold. So I would say U.S. winning gold.

Dick Vitale should start a second career as a porn critic

Maybe if he [Dick Vitale] just became a full-on porn guy, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. If he woke up in the morning and was like, 'here are my top five favorite porn picks for the day.' Wouldn't you just be like, that kind of fits for Dick Vitale?

Bullying the horse Nyquist off Twitter is a more impressive achievement than winning the Kentucky Derby

Nyquist the horse is a flash in the pan... No one's going to remember Nyquist the horse. Except for the fact that it got bullied off Twitter. That's actually more impressive than the Kentucky Derby. How many Kentucky Derby winners have there been? Like 120? How many horses have been bullied off Twitter?

The horse Nyquist has AIDS

The horse has AIDS. Right. The first thing I did was... Fuck the horse. Both on Twitter and in real life.

Harambe the gorilla committed suicide by zookeeper to escape living in Cincinnati

Did Harambe like plan this whole thing out? When the kid fell in, do you think Harambe was like, this is my chance to finally get out of this fucking place... Like suicide by zookeeper is pretty much what I'm getting at here.

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.