Takes

Roger Goodell is gaslighting fans into thinking Thursday Night Football is a good product

Well, it's called gaslighting, Big Cat, and it's actually like a thing that works. So Goodell is gaslighting us, which is awesome. He's doing a really good job of it. He's saying, you all enjoyed watching Thursday Night Football. It was a great product. And then if he says enough, I'm like, holy shit. Thursday night football was awesome.

Jim Harbaugh's story about being hit by a mail truck as a kid is probably fake

Jim Harbaugh was Hit by a mail truck driver When he was 7 years old And he found the mail truck driver Nearly 50 years later In Iowa... This is a fake story. This is a fake story by Jim Harbaugh because this is... you can't come up with a story that's more Jim Harbaugh than this.

LeBron James' subtweet is the most passive-aggressive thing he has ever done

The big story that we have waiting for the Super Bowl week to start is LeBron with the most passive-aggressive tweet I think I've ever seen... He said, I'm not mad or upset at management... I just feel we still need to improve in order to repeat, dot, dot, dot, if that's what we want to do. That is the most ridiculous subtweet that LeBron has ever, it's not even a subtweet, it's a direct tweet. He didn't add anyone, but he's adding the management.

LeBron James is setting up a pre-planned excuse in case the Cavaliers lose the Finals

[LeBron is] also setting expectations. So, like, if they lose in the finals, like, hypothetically, if it's a 4-0 sweep, hypothetically speaking, that's definitely not me saying that's going to happen. He's got an excuse prepped right there.

Lacrosse will be a top-tier major sport within 10 to 15 years

Cool throne lacrosse. I might have been in two. I've been a little early. I said there's 30 years. It's looking more like 10 to 15... I mean, it's like the hottest thing. It's like number one thing on SportsCenter.

Every professional swimmer pees in the pool

[Connor Dwyer] said he's peed in every pool he's been in. Are you the same? Oh, by all means... the good thing about us swimmers is we have the biggest toilet in the world.

Ben Roethlisberger is not actually retiring; he just enjoys the attention

Big Ben's not retiring. Come on... A little pre-prediction, though. Big Ben has now reached the point of his career where he's just going to Brett Favre for this every year. Like he'll end up playing for some weird. Big Ben's destiny is to like play one weird season for the Jaguars.

White cleats scientifically make you faster

Scientifically, white cleats do make you faster. That's actually just science. You just look a lot faster. You feel a lot faster. Look good, play good.

The NFL is trying to eliminate kickoffs by moving them up to the 30-yard line

Do you feel in the back of your mind that the NFL one day is going to just eliminate kickoffs entirely? Are you worried about that at all? ... They trying to right now. That's why they took it out of the Pro Bowl. So they're trying to get it out. That's why they moved the kick up to the 30 because kickers can kick. So they want them kicking out the end zone every time.

Bringing your girlfriend to watch a big game with you results in losing your Man Card

Bring your girlfriend to watch a big game with you. Yeah, that's probably a man card.

The Patriots are a better team specifically because of Dion Lewis

Actually, the real reason is Dion Lewis. They are 14-0 when [Lewis] plays. [Brady's] a system quarterback, in other words.

Matt Ryan is the new Joe Flacco and is entering 'clutch gene' territory

Matt Ryan is going to be the new Joe Flacco. Right now, the story on Matt Ryan is he doesn't have the clutch gene. If he wins this game, he might have the clutch gene. He's getting into the clutch gene territory.

I would rather have two more years of Tom Brady than five years of Jimmy Garoppolo and two first-round picks

[I'd take] Brady. I think we're going to have both, but Brady in that situation. [Even over Garoppolo for five years and two first round picks].

The Patriots will select Christian McCaffrey with the 32nd pick in the NFL Draft

Christian McCaffrey, number 32 to the Patriots. Wow. Uhhh ya think? Him and Woodhead in the backfield together? Split backs. Bring back the old split back formation.

Bill Belichick intentionally messes up social media app names to mess with the media

This is the second time that Belichick has intentionally messed up two apps. I think that Belichick knows a lot more about social media than he's letting on... Belichick pretends to not know what Facebook is... he's just absolutely fucking with the media and just putting on this show like, oh, I don't know what any of this is. And meanwhile, he goes out behind the curtain. He's got five cell phones and he immediately checks all his players' accounts.

Aaron Rodgers is trying to 'cuck' Brett Favre's legacy

Uncoachable. He's now trying to cuck Brett Favre's legacy like a kid just running around back there. Brett Favre was the ultimate draw something up in the dirt. It's like the last thing that Brett Favre has. He was an old school gunslinger. Just go out there and I'll hit you. And now Aaron Rodgers is taking that from him.

LeBron James pretends he doesn't care about the Warriors, but he cares deeply

LeBron said, no, we're not rivals. He basically just said, I don't want to talk about that. I don't care about the Warriors. They can do their thing. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure LeBron made them put up a big poster right outside their locker room when they went to Cleveland earlier in the year, like the block and all that stuff. So classic LeBron. He's just pretending like he doesn't care, even though he cares deeply.

Carmelo Anthony's destiny is to be carried to a title by LeBron James

Melo's destiny is to have LeBron carry him to a title. That really is his destiny.

Los Angeles is not ready to support two NFL teams

I don't think L.A. is ready for two football teams. They're still trying to get their feet on their own with the Rams, even though they didn't play well this last year... they don't show up until halftime.

Tito Ortiz will beat Chael Sonnen in their Bellator 170 fight

I'm going with Tito. Only because it's his last one, and I just know how he feels about his legacy, and he doesn't want to go out and lose it. So by any means, he's going to do whatever he can to win this fight... I'm taking Tito at the end.

The contestants on The Bachelor who cried over the Backstreet Boys were faking it

I'm calling bullshit on this. If there's some girls, maybe some girls, like, 1994, 1995 born, they were, like, five years old when Backstreet Boys were big... I feel like that was a try-hard move to start crying for that because they probably don't remember them, right?

Tony Romo would have won the Divisional game for the Cowboys against the Packers

Tony Romo probably would have won that game in Dallas. Dak [Prescott] took a little too long to get going. Dak is better than Tony, but he's exactly better enough that the Cowboys would have scored later on in the game to tie it up. So Dak scored too soon. He was too efficient. Romo would have tied it, sent it to overtime.

I am done with Brock Osweiler forever

I am seriously, though. I'm done with Brock Osweiler. I'm done with him forever. He's ruined football games for me, multiple football games for me this year. Stop trying to make Brock Osweiler happen.

Tony Romo will try to get released by the Cowboys rather than traded

I expect that Tony Romo is going to try to get himself released... You guys decided to move on. I want to stay. I want to compete for the starting job. You won't let me. Why do you insist on trading me to another team? Now, how the Cowboys respond to that is going to be the big question because Jerry Jones has an asset under contract... I think he's going to try to get released.

Aaron Rodgers and the Packers have underachieved over the last six years

What we've seen the last eight games out of Aaron Rodgers makes me wonder, why in the hell haven't we seen that the last six years? Why are they continuously wanting out in the playoffs? Why do they continue to underachieve? Aaron Rodgers is one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the sport of football. How does he not already have more than one Super Bowl win?

Devin Hester is a Hall of Famer and will eventually get in

I think he is. Well, if any kicker or punter is worthy of getting in, Devin Hester is worthy of getting in, and I think he eventually will. Now, that doesn't mean he gets in on the first try, but I think eventually he's going to get in. You've got to find a spot for a guy who was transcendent in what he did in the return game.

The Bears will try to trade Jay Cutler this offseason

He's got a very tradable contract, $12.5 million. I think the Bears will try to trade him. Depends on how this coaching deal shakes out. If Kyle Shanahan ends up the head coach somewhere, I could see him being potentially interested in Cutler.

Rex Ryan will not get another chance as an NFL head coach

I don't think he will. How about at the college level? Wouldn't he be a very good college coach? I mean, could you see him recruit the hell out of guys? I think he's going to end up in TV, though. I'm not sure he's going to be as good as they think he's going to be, but I think he's going to end up in TV.

Jeff Fisher is finished as an NFL head coach but could bamboozle another owner into an interview

Guy's very connected at the league level. He's got good friends in the league office. He's a made man. He knows how to work the media. I think at some point he'll find a way where he at least gets an interview. And if he gets an interview with one of these guys... he could bamboozle someone into hiring him.

San Diego didn't deserve to have a football team because the weather is too nice there

Fuck you, San Diego. You're a great city, and you didn't deserve to have a football team because it's so nice outside during the fall and the winter time. You know what? You can find a million other things to do.

I would not be buying any stocks right now and would put money into real estate instead

I wouldn't be buying any stock right now. [Put money in] Real estate. Hookers? ... That's a dead end road, dude. I'm over a million in those places. There's no return on anything.

Conor McGregor has zero chance of beating Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match

Floyd wants an easy $100 million check. ... Conor McGregor versus Floyd Mayweather, I think it's going to happen. ... [Conor has] 1,000% no chance at all. Floyd wouldn't last 30 seconds [in MMA]... Floyd will last a minute because he'd run for 30 seconds.

Jim Irsay forgets he owns the Colts and is just doing Twitter giveaways all day

I don't think he is [going to fire anyone]. I think he just forgot he owned the Colts. He's just on Twitter all day. He's just been doing Twitter giveaways every day. He's like, 'hey, Jim, you still own this team? You get to make the decisions.'

Lane Kiffin was happy to see Alabama lose the National Championship

The second you move on from [a relationship], there's a small part of you that will always love to see bad things happen to that person... And Lane Kiffin is, by all accounts, a much bigger dick than normal people. So you have to believe that he was popping bottles.

Yahoo's name change to Altaba is a brilliant way to hide from the public eye

I have Yahoo on my cool throne because the best way to secretly get out of the public eye is just have a vaguely foreign sounding company by you and change your name. And just claim that your entire company was satire.

Tiger Woods is officially back

I think he's back. Actually, being that I practiced with him and play with him before and before the Ryder Cup and leading up to the Bahamas, he kept looking better and better.

Derrick Rose should use being hacked as an excuse for going missing

He didn't tweet anything. He didn't do anything wrong on the internet. So then just say you got hacked. My life got hacked.

I would bet against Michigan making the College Football Playoff in the near future

I wouldn't lock that down. I mean, it's possible, but I'm not going to be one of these, well, anything's possible. Well, not really. I would probably bet against Michigan [making the final four].

Clemson will win the National Championship against Alabama

Clemson.

The Miami Dolphins' teal and aqua uniforms do not belong in the NFL playoffs

I'm just going to say it, right? The Dolphins' uniforms are not playoff uniforms. They aren't. That's a hot take, I know, but it's the truth. Teal and that aqua and all that shit doesn't belong in the playoffs.

Coach K gave Jeff Capel the Duke team as a tryout to become the future head coach

Um, that K, this whole Capel thing is a tryout for Capel because K wants Capel to get the job after he leaves. So this is, this is not actually like a, his back doesn't hurt. He's just saying, here you go, Capel. I'm going to give you the most talented team, maybe in college basketball history... prove to everyone that you're a great coach. And then that way, when I retire, you can be like, 'Hey, remember that time that I took 12 McDonald's All-Americans to a 4-0 record?'

LeBron James is the perfect laboratory-engineered basketball player, more so than Jordan

In all seriousness, I think LeBron is... If you had to clone a guy and put five of him on the floor, he's clearly the guy that you would want. If you're making a basketball player in a laboratory from the ground up, you build LeBron James.

Tom Brady should be the NFL MVP despite only playing 12 games

If Tom Brady isn't the MVP, it's just further showing [the system is corrupt]... He still had better stats than him. Tom Brady's stats are still better than the other quarterbacks in contention stats. That's the point.

Mike Greenberg's take that the College Football Playoff is better than March Madness is ridiculous

Did anyone tell Greeny that he doesn't know about either of these playoffs because he didn't play sports? ... I mean, it's the most ridiculous statement.

The Starters on NBA TV are sports hipsters

I don't like to shit on other people's quality of their work. But they have a show, and it's actually good. It's very stat-oriented... but like the Starters on the NBA network. They are hipsters. They're sports hipsters.

Kirk Cousins will get a long-term contract because he looks the part of a quarterback

Do you know what Kirk has going for him? He looks the part. That's really what it is... That's why Matt Barkley is still in the league. That's why Jimmy Clausen is—throw them in a pair of shorts... they look good.

The AFC has been bad for forever

People don't talk about how bad the AFC has been like forever. The Patriots have basically just had to show up every Sunday for the last 12 years, and they'll make it into one every three Super Bowls.

I will take Eli Manning over any other quarterback in the playoffs

Eli [Manning] just lets it go, man. He is not afraid in the playoffs, and I think that's something that serves him well. I'll take Eli over any of them.

Wearing a jumpsuit every day in January will make the month great again

Time to make January great again, and the best way to do that is to wear jumpsuits every day. Every day in January. That's my promise to you.

Pardon My Take is responsible for making punting cool again

Did we bring punting back? Yeah, we made punting cool again. I've seen it everywhere since Punt Week. Ooh, punters this, punters that. These punters, they're so cool.