Takes

Boobs are the undisputed #1 overall pick for things that are cooler in slow motion

Boobs, easy. So they said, when we said slow motion, max, Hank and memes... they're like, oh, easy way. Who picked? Yeah. But you guys were going to pick it... literally Max took his pants off and started jerking off. He's like boom, boom and boom.

I wouldn't give up watching football even to double my net worth

[Speaker 4]: Would you double your net worth if it meant that you were no longer allowed to watch NFL football? [Wahlberg]: No, I don't think so. I don't think it distracts me or it takes away from what I'm doing in my primary business on my job.

Will Zalatoris made a deal with the devil to win one tournament and his injury is the cost

I'm nervous that he made a deal with the devil and the deal with the devil was let me win one. That's what I'm nervous about. And I bet on him last week to finish top 10... I'm nervous cuz it feels like the timing is [predominant].

Desmond Ridder 'is him' and is already NFL ready

My hot seat is Marcus Mariota... I watched the Jets Falcons game last night. I think Desmond Ridder is that guy. I think he is him... I think I'm ready to say based off watching him one time in the preseason that this is gonna be a guy that I will believe in for the next four years.

Geno Smith should be a first-half specialist and Drew Lock should be the closer

Geno Smith, I think plays pretty well based on recent experiences in like the first half. And then Drew Lock is good in garbage time. So I think they should put Geno Smith in, in the first half as the first half specialist. Drew Lock comes in as the closer.

The Masked Singer started the rumor that Tom Brady was a contestant during his training camp absence

I've gone like overly woke on this now. And I think that it's a rumor that was started by the Masked Singer because people are definitely gonna be tuning in trying to figure out is that Tom Brady. It's the one show that you can basically get all the way through the episode being like maybe it is Tom Brady.

Sunning your balls can improve androgens and is 'pretty primal'

If you sun your balls, there is a study. It's an older study, I think it's from like the fifties or sixties that shows that it does improve androgens, not necessarily testosterone... I think it's pretty fucking primal. Right? I mean, we, we didn't evolve essentially with clothes... I think it's pretty primal to do.

The NFL gave Deshaun Watson an 11-game suspension specifically so his return would be against the Texans

So you look at the schedule that game that [Deshaun Watson] would be coming back would be against the Houston Texans. So they have to talk about it all the time throughout the entire game, whole team in Houston, homecoming... just so happens [flex scheduling] starts right on week 11. I don't know if they'd flex this... but they're not gonna take the Dallas Cowboys out.

PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan overplayed his hand and had zero leverage against LIV Golf

He also overplayed his hand. Yeah, of course. And everyone's like, yeah. Okay. You know what? You know, what's better than, than winning. The fortnight challenge is getting a hundred million guaranteed. So Jay Monahan just needs to be like, listen, I fucked this one up. I'm firing myself... It's a classic case of really overplaying your hand and thinking that you had all the leverage in the world when you actually had zero.

NFL Blitz without delayed hits is like porn without nipples

NFL blitz is back. There's they're selling it without delayed hits though. Which is stupid... It's basically selling porn with no nipples. I'm a big time like go woke, go broke guy. Yeah, no one's gonna buy NFL blitz minus late hits. That's the only reason.

I have zero sympathy for Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving because they don't play in enough games

Sean Marks is the guy when you, you basically were like, Hey sign Deandre Jordan... You're getting everything you want and then you still want everybody fired... Just play in the fucking basketball games. And maybe things will work out... I have no sympathy for any of those guys. Whenever I see anybody on TV being like, well, you know, they could have done a better job with their buy level exception and I'm like, stop fucking talking. It's about one thing the guys don't play in enough games.

The Steelers have the best three-deep quarterback room in the NFL

I actually think that if you were like, who's got the best three quarterbacks, I think the Steelers are the answer. Rudolph, Trubisky, and Pickett. Like I think if you had to go three deep, I think the Steelers are the answer.

Kicking a field goal down 8 points in the NFC Championship was a terrible idea

Kicking a field goal down eight with two minutes left and the best quarterback of all time on the opposing team in the NFC championship game. Yes. That would be a bad idea. Mathematically and spiritually also just bad vibes from that decision. My goal is to never, ever let that go.

We are banned from the Beacon Theater because of James Dolan

Part of my take was slated to do a live show in New York city at the beacon theater... I just got information that that date has been pulled from us because James Dolan owns the beacon theater. And we are the fucking bad boys of podcasting. We're banned from the beacon theater because of James Dolan.

Sean Marks is a bad GM because he brought in Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving

I kind of agree with Kevin Durant. I think that Sean Marks is a bad GM because he brought Kevin Durant in. So Kevin Durant is right. They should fire him for bringing him in there.

The Yankees suck and won't even make the playoffs

They suck. Blow up the team. They won't even make the playoffs. [The Yankees] suck. It's been the same team five years in a row.

Too much pre-snap motion makes it hard for a quarterback to manage tempo

I tell Matt [LaFleur] the same thing. I'm not telling you guys anything I wouldn't tell him. I got after him a day because every freaking play there's God motion. I'm like, can we run one play without a motion so we can get some tempo going? Because I like to switch the tempo... when you have so much motion, it's hard to get tempo going because you always gotta make sure you're set.

Lamar Jackson has a very high ceiling for his sex life because of how weird he is

Lamar is such a fucking weird guy. I can't even fathom how he fucks. Like him being his own agent is weird, but it could be that kind of thing where it's like a weird guy often has either he can't fuck at all. Or he has top shelf Dick. Right? ... I'm kind of thinking Lamar's got, he's so strange. But when he zeros in on pussy, he goes fucking be on it.

Tua Tagovailoa's stock is a sell because he married his college sweetheart in Miami

He just got married to his college sweetheart. Oh. Which is weird, like far outside of college... Miami. Yeah. Like he went to Miami and then he is like, you know what girl I met in Alabama. Sell your fucking Tua stock. He's sick-fuck wise, that's the nail in the coffin. He's done. He'll be in the CFL in two years.

Doug Peterson fucks with the visor on and is likely a swinger

Doug Peterson, he fucks with the visor on... [Big Cat: He definitely seems like absolutely... leave the garage cracked... come on in, got a hot tub... The whole cul-de-sac is coming to Doug Peterson's house.] He's got like seven different blenders in his room. Like here's my, this is my Thai room here.

Aaron Rodgers will win another Super Bowl because he has something to prove

Rogers... he's fucking for four days straight... And he's got something to prove. He's gonna win another. I know it. Because it just, it's gonna kill me. Because I love just being like, if you have one Super Bowl you have none. No, he's gonna win another.

Kirk Cousins wears three condoms and a dental dam for max protection

Kirk Cousins is like vegan adjacent. He wears three condoms and a dental dam or whatever. Max protection... No flavor whatsoever going on in that fuck session... He's getting head with a condom on. We've gotta be safe.

Pete Carroll has the best sex of any NFL head coach

Pete Carroll has great... probably the best sex of any NFL head coach. But in my mind he's having sex with like a beautiful female version of exactly Pete Carroll. [Stavros: Watching Pete Carroll chew gum would get my pussy drenched.] They're fucking in the rain. He's still got the raincoat on top.

The breakup of Chrissy Teigen and John Legend will be the greatest day on the internet

I can't wait for Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It's gonna be the best day on the internet. Like all these people being like, what is love anymore? ... It will be the greatest breakup of all time... Their private life must be a horror show. John legend... that's the kind of guy that cheats as he gets older. He's gonna do it like in a classy way.

Juan Soto will get a $500 million contract in free agency

The reality of the situation is that in a couple years time, when he does become a free agent, he's going to get a contract that's far going to eclipse what the Nationals offered. It's going to be $500 million. It's going to be the Dodgers or the A's—he's going to get paid a shitload of money.

Deshaun Watson is a predator

I will go one more than scumbag. I think Deshaun Watson is a predator. And he's a bad guy, but the problem with how this all shook out is he settled with a lot of the women.

Every NFL team should be tampering

I'm saying everyone should tamper in the NFL. Why not fucking go for it? If you're not tampering, you're not trying.

Elijah Moore is a step above everybody else in the NFL

I saw [Elijah Moore] today in person and he was making grabs all over the field. It was like, that guy is a different kind of player. Like he's a step above everybody else.

Corn is a fruit

Corn. Corn is a fruit. Can you guys believe that? An ear of corn is not technically a fruit. Instead, each kernel is a fruit. Exactly.

Derek Carr will win NFL MVP in 2022

MVP 2,500. Oh wow. Jersey Jerry... Jersey Jerry gave it to me. I put it in. It's the first future I have. MVP the whole league... With one of the best wide receivers actually. And one of the best offensive coordinators. And they had a lot of promise last year.

Russell Wilson will win NFL MVP in 2022

I think I'm gonna pick Russell Wilson because it's like, you know that the narratives there... If the Broncos are incredible, Russell Wilson will get all the credit. Yeah. All of it. Everything... Peyton Manning his first year in Denver what happened? He went fucking nuts. Exactly.

The pitcher-catcher chemistry is overrated; catchers are pros

I think it's ridiculous when guys have to have a certain catcher behind the plate. I think it's stupid. As long as you got a catcher's mitt behind the plate and you've gone over the hitters with me in the pre-game meeting and we're on the same page, I don't give a shit... some of these starting pitchers need to take a step back and maybe take some of the blame... If you're in the big leagues, your job description is the same as the next guy.

Jacob deGrom is the best starting pitcher to ever put on a uniform

I've blown the guy for years. I just think he's the best. And I've said this, I think he's the best starting pitcher to ever put the uniform on. If he stays healthy people might think that's crazy. Some people love it. Just watching him live and on TV... he struck out nine out of ten. It's the best shit I've ever seen ever from any pitcher.

The Daily Show was the most dysfunctional place I have ever worked

The daily show was easily the most dysfunctional place I've worked because the network set it up the wrong way. They hired the executive producer first and then they didn't, they hired me second. And so it was very dysfunctional. I just ignored it and scored on the air and got out of there.

Ben Simmons' claim that playing with Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant would be 'scary' meant he was literally scared to play

[Ben Simmons] said, quote, 'It's going to be scary.' So I actually think he was correct about this. He was talking about, he was just expressing his emotions. He was like, 'I'm scared to play. I'm scared to play basketball.'

LeBron James will respond to Skip Bayless and try to 'Time's Up' him

I think this is the year that LeBron responds to Skip. Tries to get him off the air... Skip's gonna start going after Bronny Jr. And then LeBron's gonna be like, 'that's a bridge too far. Time's up.' He's gonna try and time's up Skip.

The LIV Tour could eventually take over everything in our lives, including this podcast

I mean, it's a possibility that live tour could just take over everything that we like. Yeah. In every single branch of our life in this podcast. Yes. Open for business.

It is time for Bill Belichick to retire because the game has passed him by

It's time for Bill Belichick to retire. Has the game passed him by?... If Mac Jones is not the answer this year... I think we're gonna have the conversation: 'Bill, is it time to go coach lacrosse?'

Any rich person who doesn't buy a sports team is untrustworthy

Any guy who or any person, because I'm a feminist, any woman guy who has that much money and doesn't buy a sports team, can't be trusted... Piece of shit. Because it's like, what is the point of having that much money and not owning a sports franchise? Like that's, that's the end goal of society. ... The end goal is like buy an NFL team. That's what rich people do.

The Statue of Liberty was a bad gift from the French because of high maintenance and war obligations

The statue of Liberty was low key, a pretty shitty thing for the French to do to us. They just made this giant sculpture outta bronze. And it's like, here, you have to clean this every day or else it's gonna turn green and it's a big fucking woman and you ha it's so big that you have to find an island to put it on and oh yeah. It's also gonna make, you have to fight on our side in every war that happens from now until the end of eternity.

Tiramisu is a bottom-tier dessert

I'm the man who will eat every dessert in the world. Tiramisu is bottom tier dessert. It's all fancy... It's the texture that I don't like. I don't like the texture of tiramisu... Tiramisu is coffee flavor. Just drink the coffee. It's way better.

Icing injuries is actually bad for recovery

Turns out ice is bad. I'm actually going to write a blog on that. There's tons of ice and cold is terrible for healing. It shuts down your inflammatory response, which actually is healing... ice is bad for like muscle gaining and like cold plunges are kind of good, but it's not you.

The MLB All-Star Game should still decide home-field advantage in the World Series

My second take is... now this one's gonna get hated on, but I kind of sort of wish the all star game still decided home field advantage in the world series. I like it. It was one of those rules that was objectively unfair... but it still was kind of fun.

The MLB Home Run Derby was rigged for Albert Pujols

MLB homerun, Derby rigged. Big time. One of Albert Pujols' home runs should not have counted. He also, his pitcher had not even started his wind up when the clock hit zero and then Schwarber may or may not have had dinger taken off the board because they couldn't keep track of all the balls in the air.

The mob deserves a better reputation because they built Las Vegas

The mob, shout out the mob. Mob gets a bad rep. They built Las Vegas for us. That's a fact. Say what you will about the mob. They built Las Vegas. Okay.

Climbing Mount Everest is now effectively 'glamping'

Everest is also kind of glamping nowadays. No, I mean, but that actually makes it worse for him because Everest is not even cool anymore. Everyone climbs Everest. I remember when Everest was like, oh, don't climb Everest. You'll fucking die. Now everyone fucking climbs Everest. There's like huge lines. Yep.

Zach Wilson's alleged off-field drama gives him a 'coolness' he lacked as a rookie

So it's, it's good because it, it, it gives him some CRA some coolness. ... I like him. Even if, even if he was a Virgin, I would like him. I just want him to, I just want him to play well, man. ... Especially now that I heard about the quarterback.

The Green Bay Packers will win the 2023 Super Bowl

The green bay Packers won the 20, 23 super bowl. Congrats. Aaron Roger's super bowl MVP. Yep. He did it. So when that happens, you guys all remember that it was team cat com that picked that. Just a fact spoil they're gonna win the super, they are going to win the super bowl. Finally gonna win. Cuz everyone's like, oh shit. They're not gonna do it because they've lost so many weapons. No, no, no. They built up on defense.

LeBron James only played in the Drew League because he wants to be like Kobe Bryant

The Kobe one was awesome when he hit that game winner and everyone just mobbed him and LeBron just wants to be Kobe. So that's why he [played in the Drew League].

The story about Zach Wilson sleeping with his mother's friend is a lie

The reason why it was never clarified is because it's a lie. It was said by a [Sod] lover... They just threw out that slander. Homey hopper. Exactly. I think that Zach is an outstanding man on and off the field.