I'm officially done with the preseason after one quarter of the Hall of Fame game

Every Hall of Fame game's the exact same. Seeing the helmets is great. Seeing the field is great. And then you're just like, okay, this kind of sucks. I want the real football. ... As soon as the first quarter of the first preseason game is over, I'm like just fucking get over with the preseason. I'm done with the preseason. Get me to the regular season.

I still believe in Kyle Sloter as the preseason quarterback of all time

Kyle Sloter, who right now is beating the Raiders three to nothing... He stinks? He's preseason quarterback of all time. The fourth quarter too. There's still the fourth quarter Kyle Sloter. I still believe in him. If you've watched him play, you should believe too.

The Cleveland Browns are the 'rapist franchise' for betting on a light Deshaun Watson sentence

Anytime you're like I'm betting on a sex criminal getting a light sentence. That's the good thing that can happen for me. You're fucked. It's also like betting on Hitler to win World War II. Right? It's like you won, but it's like now you're the rapist franchise. Yeah. Congratulations.

Lamar Jackson has a very high ceiling for his sex life because of how weird he is

Lamar is such a fucking weird guy. I can't even fathom how he fucks. Like him being his own agent is weird, but it could be that kind of thing where it's like a weird guy often has either he can't fuck at all. Or he has top shelf Dick. Right? ... I'm kind of thinking Lamar's got, he's so strange. But when he zeros in on pussy, he goes fucking be on it.

The Jets are my dark horse pick for the highest ceiling in the AFC East

I think if you're betting on like the highest ceiling of dark horse, Jets. ... Zach Wilson's the baby face. ... They got the ear, the earpiece is very important. Yes. Cause Zach Wilson has what he—he's got the physical tools, but he doesn't have the know-how. And I think with [Robert] Saleh his ear... they're, he's got that big for the Jets.

Tua Tagovailoa's stock is a sell because he married his college sweetheart in Miami

He just got married to his college sweetheart. Oh. Which is weird, like far outside of college... Miami. Yeah. Like he went to Miami and then he is like, you know what girl I met in Alabama. Sell your fucking Tua stock. He's sick-fuck wise, that's the nail in the coffin. He's done. He'll be in the CFL in two years.

Russell Wilson is so coachable he probably invites his trainer to the bedroom to spot him

I actually think that Russell Wilson probably cares so much about doing a good job that he would invite his trainer to help him with—watch him fuck. ... No, his—he's fucking, he's got his trainer moving the hips for spotting. Here you go to beat the glutes, activate the glutes, let your cheeks free... too much tension in the cheeks, Russ.

Doug Peterson fucks with the visor on and is likely a swinger

Doug Peterson, he fucks with the visor on... [Big Cat: He definitely seems like absolutely... leave the garage cracked... come on in, got a hot tub... The whole cul-de-sac is coming to Doug Peterson's house.] He's got like seven different blenders in his room. Like here's my, this is my Thai room here.

The Cowboys are disqualified from success because Mike McCarthy is the worst in the league

McCarthy, that's a disaster. He's got—he's spilling on himself in the bedroom. Where the fuck did this mustard come from? ... He disqualifies the Cowboys. He's so right. He's so bad. He might be the worst, worst fuck—worst guy getting pussy in the whole league.

Jalen Hurts has power but will never find the G-spot for the Eagles offense

Jalen Hurts is fucking powerful, but he just never hits the G-spot. Yes. So it's like—this could—yes. If you could just get it a little bit and you're tantalized. Yeah. If you get a little over, this would be the best sex of my life. It's never coming, baby. ... Everything is right, where you just can't find it.

Bill Gates is a loser for using his hall pass on a woman his own age

Bill Gates is such a fucking loser. He could have any girl in the world. His wife gave him a hall pass and he fucked someone his exact same age... Money buys everything. [PFT: He might be the exception.] Instead he was like, yeah, remember that when I was 16 and we kissed underneath the bleachers... but she's also 70. You have no imagination.

The breakup of Chrissy Teigen and John Legend will be the greatest day on the internet

I can't wait for Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It's gonna be the best day on the internet. Like all these people being like, what is love anymore? ... It will be the greatest breakup of all time... Their private life must be a horror show. John legend... that's the kind of guy that cheats as he gets older. He's gonna do it like in a classy way.

I was the first to report that Trevor Penning is a savage

There's this dude I've been watching since early college... Trevor Penning. I kind of feel like one of those guys, like I was following them when they're small. So now basically he just got kicked out of Saints camp for going too hard. He's an absolute animal... now everyone's on it... I was there when he was doing this. Just make sure the internet knows that Billy had it first.

We are getting ripped off because guests aren't paying us $50,000 to appear on the podcast

We're getting ripped off as a podcast because that came out yesterday saying that people are paying up to $50,000 to appear on podcast. No one's ever even approached us and asked us to pay for coming on our podcast. In fact, it's only been the other way around... We should start billing people that have already been on the show.