Takes

LeBron James blaming his son for a poor performance is a new low

LeBron blames his son. A new low. A new low. Even for LeBron. He has gone as low as possible. He has blamed his son on his poor performance on Monday night. He said that he was a little out of rhythm because he went and watched his son play basketball in a tournament.

LeBron James is an asshole for trying to trademark 'Taco Tuesday'

LeBron's an asshole. Let's just go business hour with LeBron. I do just hate him. He is trademarking Taco Tuesday. Trying. This is the guy who his big inventions, his big ideas, business ideas. Talking in a barbershop. With his friends. Space Jam 2. Remember when he created Plinko?

LeBron James has smelly breath and halitosis

LeBron James has smelly breath, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Not just because of the wine, but because LeBron definitely is surrounded by yes men, and he probably just does his halitosis breath in everyone's face. You think Maverick Carter's going to be like, hey, Bron, how about a fucking piece of Trident?

I can see a scenario where the Lakers fail to sign a single big-name free agent this offseason.

I could see a scenario where they don't sign a single big-name free agent this offseason. I really can't.

LeBron James will fake a season-ending injury if the Lakers miss the playoffs

As soon as it becomes like this is a realistic thing [missing the playoffs], [LeBron James] will definitely be like, oh, my hamstring hurts because too much sheesh. All the sheesh has added weight to my groin.

LeBron James moved to the Lakers to hide from his critics

Is LeBron James hiding from us? Because here's what happened. At like 12:30, I went to sleep. I missed all of the fourth quarter, missed the free throws... I think that LeBron James has moved out west because he knows... MJ people, we're getting a little older, got to get to sleep. The LeBron stans... they stay up all night... and LeBron knows he will not get criticized... Like, I should have been there hating LeBron when he missed those free throws. Except, father time has taken its hold on me, and I need to go to sleep.

The 2018 Cavaliers' panic is real and they won't recover this time

For the first time ever, I think the LeBron-like freakout that everyone goes through with every team LeBron's in... I think it's real this time because they gave up 148 points to the Thunder... I don't think he talks to Isaiah Thomas. I think it's like a cold shoulder situation.

LeBron James got ejected from a blowout to stat pad and hit the showers early

LeBron got thrown out for the first time in his career for using foul language, complaining about a call in the fourth quarter of a blowout win. Why would he even care at that point? Stat padding? Question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark.

The Golden State Warriors are soft 'candy-ass'

If you can put a live cam on Steph Curry and the rest of the soft candy-ass Golden State Warriors watching the finals that they should be in. That would be great.

The Cavaliers are now Kyrie Irving's team, not LeBron James'

Kyrie hit the big shot. You know why? So now here's the question. This is Kyrie's team.

LeBron James is going to leave Cleveland a second time

Well, I also saw on SportsCenter today people were saying they were using the phrase like this was almost as bad as LeBron the first time he left Cleveland... So would that imply there's a second time? Huh. Huh. We're just connecting the dots, people.

LeBron James will eventually sign with the Lakers

I'm going to be really sad when it's over, when he finally signs with the Lakers and we have to stop doing [the LeBron James free agency update].

LeBron James will sign his 2016 contract before another Hillary Clinton email is leaked

LeBron James will sign before another [Hillary Clinton] email gets released. [Obama] is gonna fire a nuke up a horse's butt so that Putin can't leak any more of Clinton's emails.