Takes

Bill Clinton saw Tyson cry and decided to claim his White House sex was 'anxiety management'

Bill Clinton said today... that he received oral sex in the White House because it was managing his anxiety. Mental health is kind of buzzing right now... He saw Tyson cry and he's like, 'You know what? Yeah, I got sucked off because I was anxious.'

Spinzone: Jimmy Garoppolo was actually saving kids' lives by going on a date with a porn star

The porn star won an auction, a charity auction, to spend an evening with Jimmy Garoppolo. So he was saving kids' lives by taking the porn star on a date. I don't know if this is true or not. In fact, it sounds exactly like something that you would make up to tell your girlfriend if you got caught.

I believe ghosts are real

I actually completely believe this. Like, I'm a big ghost guy. I believe ghosts. If you don't believe ghosts, I think you're full of shit. And, I mean, we saw a ghost in Miami.

Brock Osweiler helped his teams by keeping the defense on the field

The Texans had a really good defense. And so Osweiler did a great job of keeping their best unit on the field. [Same with the Broncos]. Brock Osweiler knows how to have his team play to its strengths by always keeping the defense on the field.

The 49ers having no quarterbacks is liberating for Kyle Shanahan's play-calling

If you don't have any quarterbacks on your roster, then there's no chance that Kyle Shanahan is going to be able to call too many passing plays late in a game that they're winning... Shanahan's just taking away his ability to throw the ball too much.

You can get out of a DUI by claiming you have football-related concussions

I feel like now if you ever played it down to football, you can probably get away with a DUI. [Cedric Benson] said he couldn't [do his ABCs] because he played football and he had concussions.

If you never get a medical test, you don't officially have the condition

I support Dez Bryant. I think if you don't get the STD test, you don't have an STD. ... It's like saying if you don't go to the doctor for over a decade, you're not obese and you're not in danger of health or heart disease.

Greg Hardy strikes me more as a meth and PCP guy than a cocaine guy

[Greg Hardy] never struck me as a coke guy, to be honest. He struck me as a meth guy, a heavy, heavy meth guy. Maybe some angel dust? Yeah, PCP and meth.

DeAndre Jordan values an Olympic Gold medal over an NBA ring because he'll never win a championship

I like it because Carmelo [Anthony] and DeAndre [Jordan] are both guys who are kind of talented. But they're probably never going to win a championship unless they change teams. So what better way for DeAndre to capitalize on the surge of patriotism... than to say, yeah, you know what? It's all about the medal.

Trent Richardson being cut by the Ravens means he can get into the Hall of Fame by 2021

Great news for Richardson. Now the clock can start on his five-year eligibility until he can get into the Hall of Fame. So he can get it in 2021 instead of 2022.

Trent Richardson is definitely taking steroids if he thinks he is a Hall of Famer

Pre-crime. Trent Richardson is going to be using steroids. I'd say it's a fair assumption. He obviously has not taken any performance-enhancing drugs... but he hasn't been taking PEDs [yet].

The St. Louis Cardinals 'statement loss' is a ridiculous spin by a losing team

My favorite team in Major League Baseball, St. Louis Cardinals, they had a statement loss against my actual favorite team, the Cubs, on Wednesday. They showed determination and grit, that's a quote, when they lost to the Cubs. Colton Wong said, 'I think we still made a statement in the loss.' In the loss? Don't let the Cardinals get too hot with all these statement losses they're throwing out there.

Johnny Manziel going to the Denver Broncos makes sense

We're the first people that we heard say Johnny Manziel would make sense in Denver. And I think we're now proving it. Von Miller and Johnny Manziel getting their act together together.

Johnny Manziel can be saved by the Denver Broncos

Johnny Manziel can be saved by the Denver Broncos. Von Miller has been talking about Johnny Manziel going to the Broncos... I'm pretty sure a locker room that just won the Super Bowl is going to be like, Johnny, don't fuck around. More importantly, Denver... is known as Menver because it's like 75% dudes... Johnny won't have as much opportunity for the ladies in Menver.