Takes

Fix NFL overtime by making both teams play their backup quarterbacks

College overtime, 25-yard line, everything's the same as college overtime... Only wrinkle, each team has to play their backup quarterback. Now we're getting, now we're creating jobs and the backup quarterback becomes a very important position. The minute you go to overtime, your starter can no longer play quarterback.

Baseball should remove the catcher position for the first two strikes with no one on base

My idea was to just remove the catcher and put the catcher in the infield or the outfield against a batter when there's nobody on base for the first two strikes. Yeah, the umpire gets hit a few times with some fastballs or whatever, but you don't need a catcher. Like who cares if the game's delayed a little bit?

NBA playoff seeding should be based on a team's record against the gambling spread

I like for playoff seeding, I think we should do instead of best record, it should be best record against the spread. Let everyone start actually playing for the spread. It would be unbelievable if teams are up by like seven and the spread's nine and they're just gunning.

NFL replay should be fixed using a 'possession arrow' system from pickup basketball

I think they should just go to a straight pick up hoops thing where no one knows who hit the ball out, so it's like we get the next one. But any, like, controversial call, it's like, all right, you get it this time, we'll get it next time. That's good. I like that. Just keep trading it all year long.

The NFL pylon rule is stupid and should be changed to a Quidditch-style hoop

I have a dumb question... why do pylons exist?... everyone keeps fumbling while reaching for the pylon... what they should do... They need to make them little like hoops that you can throw the ball into the hoop. And that counts as a touchdown... it's the safest play in football.

NFL teams below .500 should be relegated to having Brock Osweiler as their quarterback

I think that any team in the NFL that finishes below .500 should be relegated to having Brock Osweiler as their quarterback for the next year. You have to overcome Brock to prove that you're ready to rejoin the big boys.

Major League Baseball should allow pitchers to use steroids to speed up the game

Allow steroids for the pitchers. Because it's a problem with the slow game, right? So they can throw the ball faster. Get up to like 106, 107 miles an hour. You're shaving a good like two seconds off the game.

Arnold Palmer was never actually a good golfer

I don't think Arnold Palmer was ever actually good. Have you seen that guy swing? Swings like my grandpa. I would kill that guy.

The NFL should implement the 'Romney Rule' requiring one white cornerback per team

There was a big report that came out in ESPN saying that professional position coaches are hired at a much lower rate to become a coordinator or a head coach if they're a minority... and I suggest in the spirit of brotherhood that we develop a Romney rule where if the president of the United States is black and therefore racism doesn't exist at the time, we can do the Rooney rule, but there should also be a rule that says every team should have one defensive back... cornerbacks specifically because there are a lot of Eric Weddle types running around out there.

Sports like the NBA and NFL should wait until the end of the game to announce penalties and scores

The USGA said that they weren't going to announce whether or not [Dustin Johnson] was going to be penalized until after his round was over, which is just a great rule... The bottom line is anyone out there who's complaining about this rule is a bad Christian because you don't get to know if you're going to heaven until after you're dead. So why should you get to know what your score is before you're done with a round of golf?

Baseball should crowdsource balls and strikes via Twitter polls during games

You could crowdsource it... A pitch happens and then everybody responds on Twitter. Twitter poll. Strike or no? And then 51% carries the day and you get a strike or ball based on that. And then fans can't get mad at it because they only have themselves to blame.

Steroid users should be allowed to use them as long as they don't work out

I think for steroids, you should be able to use them as long as you don't abuse them... If you use steroids, you can't lift any weights. This is the Pardon My Take 'use it, don't abuse it' rule. If you use it, stay out of the gym.