Takes

Firing Nationals GM Mike Rizzo because of the team's record is nonsensical due to budget constraints

Firing a GM because you didn't give him enough money to spend on good food... That's like divorcing your wife because you got fat.

Trea Turner not receiving an MLB All-Star reserve spot is a snub

Trea Turner leads league in hits and he didn't even get a reserve spot... say what? Christopher Sanchez should have been in over MacKenzie Gore. That makes no sense.

It is embarrassing for a grown man to wear a bike helmet

You just can't, you just look like a fucking fool and you look like an idiot. Especially when you get off the bike and you're like, walking without the bike.

Josh Allen is the best quarterback in the NFL

I think Josh Allen should be one. I had Josh Allen one, Patrick Mahomes two, Lamar three.

Dak Prescott is the 24th best quarterback in the NFL

Make the accurate ranking tier. Just be 23 Daniel Jones, 24 Dak... I googled QB Rankings for 2025 Pro Football Focus. Where do you think they had Dak Prescott? 18, 17... I couldn't make him the 17th best anymore.

Caleb Williams has to prove himself before being ranked as a top NFL quarterback

I have Caleb [Williams] down. He's gotta prove it. He's gotta prove it... he just was on a bad team and Jaden Daniels was significantly better.

The Gallagher brothers should break up during the Oasis reunion tour to stay true to their brand

I would be disappointed if they didn't break up during the tour. That means that they've changed. And I want the same Oasis. If you're buying tickets for this, part of the rush is spending all that money... not knowing if that concert's ever gonna go.

Getting hit in the head with a ball is always embarrassing regardless of the situation

Getting hit in the head with a ball, no matter how it happens, is always embarrassing. Like I'm saying, you could be playing catch it hits you in the head. That's very embarrassing. But even when we're playing hoops out here and like everyone's shooting around and you're not even looking and the ball hits you in the back of the head, you're embarrassed.

It's embarrassing for a person to use an umbrella even though it's better than getting wet

Holding an umbrella... even though it's obviously way better than being wet... there's something about holding an umbrella that just sucks.

NBA free agency is officially a dud this year

NBA free agency has started and it's a dud. I'm gonna say it right now. It's a dud.

The NBA should rename the 'Second Apron' to 'Prison' to make it easier to understand

They gotta get rid of the apron word. I'm so sick of it. If they just called it jail and prison, I think it would make a lot more sense because that's really what it is. The second apron is prison. They basically, for people who don't understand what they've done with the salary cap... they restrict you. They put you in prison.

The NBA should have a random one-hour window where the salary cap is turned off completely

It's essentially video game rules. And Adam Silver just says for the next hour salary caps off. You turn off salary caps, you could do any trade ever. And you have to get your players signed in that window... And then he is like, boom, salary cap's back on.

LeBron James no longer runs the NBA league

I think LeBron thinks he still runs the league and he doesn't run the league anymore. I think he was expecting every team to be like, oh shit, LeBron, we could trade for LeBron. And everyone's like, why would we wanna trade for a one year retirement tour at $53 million for a guy who is gonna basically hijack our entire franchise?

Adam Schefter uses specific character limits to bait clicks in notifications

I saw his post about a trade. It said Jalen Ramsey has been traded from the Miami Dolphins to, and then it was the...dot dot dot. It cut off right there. I think that Schefter knows exactly how many characters to use to make people actually click through and look at his tweet instead of just looking at the notification. I think that he's that good.

This is an 'all-in' season for the Pittsburgh Steelers

Ramsey is still a really, really good cornerback. They have Ramsey and Joey Porter Jr. So I think it's all in all it's good for the Steelers. It feels like this is the Steelers all in season, right?

The evidence of Malik Beasley gambling on his own games is absurdly obvious

The videos that came out after the investigation came out were very bad to say the least. I don't know if it's one of those things where if you could do this for any player... but the videos that came out were absurdly obvious that he was probably gambling on games.

WNBA players being petty toward Caitlin Clark is actually good for sports

Of course they don't like her. She's better than them and she's more popular. Like of course they're petty about it. I think that's good for sports... Kaylyn Clark will have a longer career, better career, make more money. She's gonna win in the long run. It doesn't have to be like a World War II every single time there's a slight on Kaitlyn Clark.

Deshaun Watson mentoring Shedeur Sanders is like an old person getting a pet

Lucky for Shedeur Sanders, he found a mentor in Cleveland that's taking him quote under his wing. It is Deshaun Watson. Deshaun Watson has stepped up to show the young guy the ropes... I think this is maybe a situation like who saved who, like an old person getting a pet?

Optic Texas is officially back-to-back world champions and their greatness can't be denied

My Cool Throne this week goes out to the gentleman at Optic Texas. They defeated the Vancouver surge... back to back champions. First ever in history. Back to back champions. I'm not even Optic guy, but you can't deny greatness. Mercury back to back. Never been done.

Raimel Tapia is the one hitter who has completely owned me throughout my career

Raimel Tapia for a while. I think last time I faced him was 2023 maybe in Milwaukee. And I, I swear to you, I think it was like he's hitting 600 off me, like 12 for like 20... I'm like, oh, at least I'd never give up a home run to him. Give up a home run to him that day. So, considerable is an understatement, I think if you ask me.

The dropped third strike is the stupidest rule in all of baseball

The dropped third strike rule is the stupidest rule in baseball of all time. You swing in a pitch that's that bad... and then just because the ball like bounced away, you get to go to first base. It's a participation trophy. I literally made you swing at a pitch that didn't even make it to the plate. It was that bad. And you get to run to first base.

Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia is the most hostile sporting environment in the world

Those games in the playoffs [in Philly] were the most hostile sporting event that I've ever been a part of hands down for sure. But I, I don't know. It also makes it fun for us. You know? It's like that's, you feed off it... whether they're screaming for you against you at least it's like it brings energy. It's fun.

Knowing how to train your throat muscles is more important for competitive eating longevity than being in your physical prime

I know my body so much better now. It, it's, it's ridiculous... I also know how to train muscles in my throat and to make 'em stronger so I can just keep swallowing the meat. It's not, I'm not gonna walk away. To be the man, you gotta beat the man.

CJ Abrams is the best Saber Metric pick in the Dingers Only draft because he leads off

Ideally you want your players to get as many opportunities to hit home runs as possible. Why not take a guy that hits lead off shortstop. CJ Abrams. He's gonna get like four more at bats than some of your guys' clowns.

You should always go reckless in Dungeons and Dragons

When people that I run games for among the Awls, I ask them if they're going reckless. They always say, of course, like Norm. Yeah, I gotta go reckless. You gotta go reckless because they look up to Norm. I think 100% it, you gotta always go reckless. 100%.

I look hot in my Britney Spears Dungeons and Dragons costume

I'm Brittany Spears. Zac said he didn't realize Brittany Spear gonna be a women's costume until after he bought it. So I got bell bottoms and a wig. I actually, I think I look hot.

There is nothing hotter than asking for consent twice

As long as there's consent, right? ... After I have consent I definitely ask for consent. 'cause there's nothing hotter.

In a Dungeons and Dragons party, you should prioritize healing the tank over less important team members

If you're fighting a war and you've got a tank and your tank is missing a tread and then there's like one guy over in the corner that hasn't done shit, hasn't killed anybody, and he's like, got the flu, are you gonna spend your time fixing the guy that's got the flu or the tank that's missing a tread?

Winning a Dungeons and Dragons game with artificial heals from a teammate is an asterisk win

I actually don't want to beat the dragon if we're getting artificially healed from you. Right? It's like that's asterisk peds.

A Dungeons and Dragons victory won with artificial heals is not a 'bubble game'

It can't be a bubble game. ... We gotta kill this dragon. So we'll go Norm.

Zac is the most selfish Dungeons and Dragons player for healing himself over the team

The most selfish player award goes to Zac. Absolutely... Crazy because if you had healed to any of us, we probably would've beaten the dragon... All fucked up.

The Pelicans' trade from pick 23 to 13 was the worst trade ever

Pelicans. Oh boy. Yep. That was the worst trade ever. They traded from 23 up to 13 and they gave away their unprotected first round pick next year. Actually worse than that. They have the Bucks pick as well. Whichever one is better, is higher. And if the Bucks trade Giannis, that could literally just be two shots at getting the one pick... I don't know what Joe Dumars was thinking. It's a fleecing.

The Wizards must change their name back to the Bullets to fix their culture

They need to change their name so bad. They gotta go back to the bullets. I think you go back to the bullets day one, culture change, different mentality. Your shooters again.

The Bulls drafting Noah Essengue is a smart move to use as 'Wemby bait' in a few years

The Bulls picked Noah Essengue from France. That's our, that's just our, our Wemby bait for a couple years from now. Very smart move... If he's good, he is good. If he's bad, he's bad.

The future of Duke hate rests in the hands of the Knueppel family

I think the future of hate is just rest in the Knueppel family because seeing all the brothers lined up, I was like when we get to the third Knueppel at Duke, it's gonna be on... they hold the future of the whole Duke hate in their hands.

Dick Monfort promoting his son to COO is a classic case of nepotism that won't fix the Rockies

The Colorado, we, we've given a lot of shit to their owner. Dick Monfort piece of shit... And he promoted his oldest son. Oh. To be Chief Operating Officer... They're not content to, to mi away in the slums of mediocrity. They're gonna fix it out by just having his son do all the things he was gonna do.

If Tiger Woods were named Panther Irons, he would have been outed as a sex deviant much earlier and his career would be totally different

Do you think Tiger Woods' career would be the same if he was named Panther Irons? If Panther Irons gets outed as a sex deviant very early in his career, is there a chance Panther Irons just is like, now that everyone knows, I'm just gonna lean into just being a guy who sucks and fucks all the time... then his back doesn't get hurt.

Kylian Mbappé suing for 'lofting' is a loser move that confirms he is a bad hang

I Mbappé is suing PSG still for $60 million in unpaid wages. And he also claims that PSG lofted him... It involves isolating or leaving a player out from the main squad... it sounds like he's a bad hang. He might be suing PSG for being a loser... his lawsuit should be thrown out immediately because if you sue for lofting, you're actually immediately saying, 'this is why I got lofted.'

Jack Doherty is a '1-1' pick for people who need to be punched in the face

Jack Doherty's our pick. That guy needs to get punched so fucking bad. I several times I consume his work, I just see him on Twitter and I hate him. He goes around with his bodyguards fucking with people... as far as internet people go, he's 1-1.

The Edmonton Oilers cannot win a Stanley Cup with their current goaltending

I said on Chiclets, like they don't have a goalie that you can win the Stanley Cup with. Now, once again, they were one game away from winning the cup with him... But if your starting goalie is getting pulled and losing his job in back to back playoffs, I don't think you have a Stanley Cup goalie. No.

Eating raw meat can lead to a psychotic break, as evidenced by the Liver King's recent behavior

Did you guys see that [the Liver King] was arrested for terroristic threats? Telling Joe Rogan that we're gonna drive to the house, maybe two to the chest, one to the head... I would just like to say don't eat raw meat because of that's what can happen. You can have a psychotic break.

Chet Holmgren is a two-can drunk

How many beers do you think it takes Chet [Holmgren] to get drunk? I think it's like, I think he's a two can. I think two beers and a cigarette. Yeah. And he was puking.

NBA players should only drink alcohol when they win a championship

What I'm saying for [Jalen Williams] is he should not say he's never gonna drink again. Because you should drink just only when you win an NBA championship. I'll see you next year beer.

At the core of every joke, there is a serious truth

I choose to [believe he was joking], but at the core of every joke, therein lies a serious truth. Alex Caruso is now an NBA champion.

Joe Burrow's bad baseball throw was a paid viral moment

My spin zone is that Michael Rubin just paid off every single person that had anything to do with Fanatics Fest and... Joe Burrow, you're gonna throw a baseball poorly. I actually think that he probably bought viral moments. I actually think that he probably bought viral moments... It's titled Joe Burrow throws a baseball poorly and here's the offer sheet.

The NBA's 'Second Apron' rules were created to force teams to draft replacements for expensive players

Somebody explaining to me, it's gonna be a bit more like continuing to flip the picks forward so that you always have that flexibility and then drafting potentially like a replacement for somebody who goes north of 20 million who's your fourth or fifth option.

The Houston Rockets are a great fit for Kevin Durant because they lack a clear number one scoring option in the clutch

I think it's a great fit for him... they would've loved for [the closer] to be Jalen Green... He was not that guy against Golden State... they need something else on the wing that they can really depend on... [Kevin Durant] is desperately what they needed on offense. Like go get us those closing playoff moment buckets.

Bradley Beal has the least competitive pride relative to talent in the NBA

I mean 'cause [Bradley Beal] is just so checked out. He's totally, I think the scary thing about him is that, you know, I think anybody you think like if you're this good then there has to be some competitive pride in you. And he may have the least, there may be the biggest gap between just talent and how much he doesn't care. Yeah. Of any [player].

Ace Bailey's draft stock is falling because his camp is trying to manipulate which team picks him

Are they trying to navigate this thing to get [Ace] Bailey from three to say six because they feel like there's a ton of shots and ton of points... they're gonna make back all the money that he loses dropping a few slots.

The 2024-25 Thunder didn't have a single 'weak link' on defense

To me, I don't think we really had a weak link on defense. I mean even [Shai Gilgeous-Alexander] is a great defender to me. So it's like when you have five guys on the court at all time... I've probably never played on a team where top to bottom, we all had great defenders.