Takes

Kevin Durant should be the new 'White Whale' guest for PMT

People always ask our white whale once we got J.J. Watt. Now Kevin Durant's our white whale. It's got to be. Kevin Durant is now in a position where I really do think if he came on, it would be a win for him.

LeBron James would not be a good guest on the show

I actually don't think LeBron would be a good guest on the show. LeBron will never, ever do Pardon My Take. He would probably complain and let [his feelings] fester.

The best way to end a player holdout is to invent a disappointed child

It's a great, great way to just bend teams to your will is invent a child. For everybody else out there, just invent a kid and be like, my child is so disappointed. He was your hero. We gave him some matches. He's four years old and he just burned your jersey in the backyard.

Watching the Real Housewives and the OC is okay

I'm a little more grown up, I do happen to watch and enjoy from time to time the Real Housewives series. Only the New York. Atlanta? I like Atlanta. Crazy. Countess? Crazy.

Rosé cider is delicious despite being a 'chick drink'

Rosé cider. Kind of a chick drink, but it's just so delicious. I could drink it any day. Sometimes the ones in the can have a lot of sugar, though, so I try and go out of my way to find one with low sugar.

Brian Colangelo would have kept his job if he had simply leaned into the 'big collar' narrative

If [Brian Colangelo] had just leaned into the collar narrative a little more, I think he would have gotten away with it. Been like, hey, like worn just like a Pee Wee Herman sized collar at his press conference where he gets fired.

Being Canadian is a major advantage when traveling because people automatically assume you are nice

Being Canadian, it is nice when you travel, especially to other countries. Like already people are like, when you say you're Canadian, you already get the benefit of doubt where they're like, oh, you're Canadian, so you have to be nice. ... already have that negative connotation of thinking [Americans] might be a piece of shit.

A guy in a white Chrysler 300 is the breakdown of society

This guy in this white Chrysler 300 sedan... He now decides he's going to go back into the fast lane. I decided, you know, this is an allegory for a breakdown in society. All right? Here I am. I'm a very calm person. But when you abuse me like this, I'm not letting him in.

J.J. Watt being healthy is the official sign that football is back

you know football is back because there's a lot of buzz about J.J. Watt not being injured... J.J. Watt being like, is this the year that J.J. Watt can stay healthy all year? That means football is officially back.

The Hall of Fame game becomes absolute dog shit after the first five minutes

I'm excited for the Hall of Fame game. My dumb brain tricks my dumb body into getting all amped up for the Hall of Fame game. And then I forget that after the first five minutes of the game, it's just absolute dog shit.

Tom Brady is allowed to have a dad bod because he is a father of three with multiple rings

he does have a dad bod. He is like 44 or something. Yeah, he's allowed to have a dad bod. I think once you get three Super Bowl rings. And you're married to the world's most successful supermodel. It's okay to have a dad bod.

I am the fashion icon who introduced the French Levi's shirt trend to America

I noticed, not to brag, I was over in France... everybody wears this Levi's shirt. It's like a really big fashion thing. And so it's going to come over to the U.S., and I'm calling my shot. I'm going to be the first one in the U.S. to start wearing it. So then when you see all these famous people wear it, be like, yo, PFT actually introduced that to the United States.

Aaron Donald is one of the top five players in the league and the Rams need to pay him

they have not given their best player and one of the top five players in the league, Aaron Donald, a new contract. So I feel like this is not getting – you've got to take care of that guy, right?

Kevin Love has the perfect career because he has a ring and now has zero pressure playing for the Cavs

I feel like Kevin Love has finally reached happiness... now he gets to just be on the Cavs and hang out and not make the playoffs and shoot the ball a lot... make a lot of money. Hang out. Put up stats. Live a good life. I kind of love it.

Latrell Sprewell is a top-tier locker room cancer because he choked his coach

My number three, I will go with Latrell Sprewell. Choked his coach. Probably not good for locker room morale.

Gilbert Arenas is one of the biggest locker room cancers ever because he pulled a gun on a teammate

I'm going to go with Gilbert Arenas. People forget he pulled a gun on his teammate. That's pretty bad, I would think.

Milton Bradley is one of the biggest dickheads in sports history

My last one is going to be, how about Milton Bradley? One of the biggest dickheads that's ever walked the earth. He played for eight [teams]. It's almost impossible for a guy who has actually a ton of talent to play for eight teams.

Modern baseball and stat heads are ruining starting pitching

modern baseball is ruining starting pitching. Like, you see guys starting relievers now. Stat heads have killed starting pitching... if they expand rosters it's over there's not going to be starting pitching anymore it's just going to be a bunch of relievers.

The days of unwritten rules in baseball are over and bat flips should be marketed

Unwritten rules are gone. Bat flips are being marketed. There's no such thing as the unwritten rule. If it sells tickets and gets people in the seats, like, I'm absolutely [okay with that].

Gary Sanchez should have his pinstripes taken away for his lazy play against the Rays

He removed his pinstripes, said Gary Sanchez should have his pinstripes taken away... El Gary is supposed to be the people talking Hall of Fame after his first year... he should just show up to the next home game with the road jersey and be like, here you go, boss. Here are my pinstripes.

Peeing in the sink is sterile and saves water, so girlfriends shouldn't complain

Ruining the plates, ruining them? Okay, that's a little drastic. It's called soap. It's called dishwasher. Pee is sterile. There's no problem with this. And you're overreacting. And guess what? He might dump you because you're not a cool chick. Cool chicks let their guys pee in the sink.

Rachel McAdams is the number one wifey material

I think that's the meanest thing you can say to a girl because Rachel McAdams is like the number one wifey material. Like she is. Like you'd rather your boyfriend say like your friend looks like a porn star or like some crazy model or something like that. But Rachel McAdams like in Wedding Crashers. Oof, Marron.

Nothing in sports compares to Tiger Woods being in contention on a major Sunday

When Tiger is involved in a major on Sunday, there's nothing like it in sports. And just to have those few moments... everyone was like, this actually could happen. Like Tiger could actually do it. He's wearing his Sunday red. Everyone was excited.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

The morning sports media market is completely oversaturated and lacks a captive audience

The morning market is so oversaturated. And people's viewing patterns when they wake up in the morning, it feels like you do the same thing every morning where you may tune into something, click on something, and then that's it. It's hard to get that captive audience there in the morning that isn't already paying attention to something else.

Tom Brady would have retired if the Patriots had beaten the Eagles in the Super Bowl

If they had won the Super Bowl this year [Super Bowl LII], I believe he retired. Because I think when Gisele said that to the CBS Morning Show, she wasn't provoked to talk about his concussions. She was putting the pressure on him, I think, to say, Tommy's had concussions. He's not going to listen to me, but maybe he'll listen to somebody else.

The Patriots only traded Jimmy Garoppolo because Tom Brady forced them to

It doesn't make sense what happened in New England. If you tell me that that organization all of a sudden said, we're not trading Garoppolo. You can't have Garoppolo. Then all of a sudden you could have Garoppolo for a second-round draft pick. It doesn't make sense. And then, you know, so Brady, if he's pushing them to say, look, I'm not retiring here. Get rid of the kid. It feels like now Brady's indebted to them a little bit because they did what it felt like he asked them to do.

I would take five LeBrons over five Michael Jordans in a prime matchup

[Big Cat]: Five MJs, five LeBrons. Who you got? Both in their prime. [Dan Patrick]: I'll take five LeBrons. LeBron's going to be as accomplished. The fact he went to eight straight NBA finals.

LeBron James didn't play a lick of defense in the 2017-18 season

He literally didn't play defense. There was many times where he literally did not play defense. He did not play defense in 2017-18. He didn't.

Michael Jordan could not survive in today's social media environment

Mike, Mike couldn't survive in today's social media. He wouldn't have done well with social media.

I like the Kawhi Leonard trade for the Raptors because their old core wasn't working

I actually like this move for the Raptors because you couldn't, after you lose to LeBron 4-0 in your best season in franchise history... And everyone says these guys are a mental mess. DeMar DeRozan didn't even play in game three in crunch time. You need to do something different.

Kawhi Leonard is a top five NBA player when healthy

Kawhi is, if he's healthy, which I assume he is, is a top five NBA player. And now you have one of the best defenses in the NBA.

The Spurs got the worst part of the Kawhi Leonard trade

The Spurs probably got the worst part of this trade because DeMar DeRozan, okay, he's a nice player, but he's obviously not Kawhi, and you didn't get top draft picks, and you had to give up Danny Green, too.

The Lakers are smart to not overextend for Kawhi Leonard in 2018

It's a smart move by the Lakers to be like, we're not going to overextend for 2019. We're not going to trade our young guys when everyone's going to be a free agent next year.

Changing the rules to make football safer will eventually make it a different sport entirely

Larry Fedora is a little over the top. I understand his underlying premise that if you keep changing the rules year after year, eventually we're going to get to a point where you're basically just not playing football.

Gorillas are the best zoo animal because looking into their eyes is life-changing

Right off the bat, I'm going gorillas. Gorillas are great for so many reasons. Have you ever looked into a gorilla's eyes in the zoo when they make eye contact with you? It is a life-changing conversation. If you can get past the tears that are flowing out of them. It is a life-changing event.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

Unwritten rules are necessary to provide policing in baseball

For the most part, what I believe unwritten rules do are provide a sort of policing that players on the whole can either understand at the minimum, even if they're not on board with. They kind of have an idea of why this is happening. Why am I getting drilled right now?

Left-handed players should be allowed to play shortstop

Lefties can't be shortstops. It's always bothered me. Someday someone's going to break the mold. ... Someone's got to be the change out there.

Jimmy Garoppolo dating a porn star is like a pro-am for sex

Jimmy Garoppolo is so confident in his sex abilities, he's doing a pro-am right now. He's playing with a pro... Jordan reached the mountaintop in his chosen profession and then he chose to go try to compete against the best in another profession.

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time

Mike Trout is the most boring athlete of all time. He's also the best baseball player currently. And Rob Manfred came out and said it's Mike Trout's fault because he's so boring.

If you got upset about Bryce Harper's dad 'cheating' during the Home Run Derby, you are a loser.

His dad cheated. And if you got upset about that, and I love Kyle Schwarber, you are the biggest loser in the world because it's the home run derby.

Baseball is officially back because it finally received the Colin Cowherd 'Manalytics' seal of approval.

Baseball is fully back because it finally got the Colin Cowherd seal of approval. You know his Manalytics, which we are actually unironically fans of... We actually believe in Manalytics.

LaVar Ball riding coach class on a plane is a terrible look for a brand built on being a 'Big Baller.'

Someone took a picture of [LaVar Ball] riding coach on a plane. It's kind of a tough look if your brand is built on being a big baller. ... You can't be doing that if you're a big baller.

French kissing animals is completely fucked up.

Slipping your dog some tongue, that's fucked up. That's an issue, yes.

Elon Musk is a total fraud.

I'm so here for Elon Musk, like, just having meltdown after meltdown because everyone realizes he's a fraud and, like, promising people to go to Mars. ... Elon Musk... Total fraud.

Imagine Dragons' new song will be the perfect pump-up music for college football this fall.

Imagine Dragons dropped a new song, which is going to be the perfect pump up music for college football this fall. ... It's really good. ... It's very, very, it's like perfect. You can actually imagine, you know, like South Carolina playing Clemson on a Saturday night.

Pregaming a wedding is essential to making the day tolerable when dealing with annoying family members.

Sometimes you're pre-gaming just because you don't want to deal with, you know, annoying family members and whatnot. You got to have a couple beers, make the whole day tolerable.

Using the All-Star Game result to determine World Series home-field advantage was the 'dumbest way' to decide it.

I mean, I know it doesn't have any impact on the World Series anymore. Which I think it's right, though. ... it was the dumbest way to decide home field advantage.

Giancarlo Stanton and I would still be on the Marlins if Jose Fernandez hadn't passed away.

I'd still be there. Stanton would still be there. We'd all still be there this year if that [Jose Fernandez's passing] didn't happen. This would have been his last year before free agency so we would have been gearing up making a playoff push and we had a ton of talent on those teams.