Takes

You cannot coach an inaccurate quarterback to be accurate

The biggest falsehood I see in quarterbacks... There'll be some kid that is not accurate, okay? So he wasn't accurate in junior high, but all he's got to do is work on his accuracy. So they play him a quarterback in high school... then they'll recruit the hell out of him and get him to college. ... if three coaches ahead of you could make that guy accurate, what makes you think you can? And I've improved accuracy, but I've never taken a guy from inaccurate to accurate.

Hillary Clinton would likely be President today if she hadn't used personal emails.

If Hillary Clinton had your same mindset [not using email], she might be president right now. Well, I don't think there's any question about that. I mean, my best visual of that is, besides the emails and obviously— those things are treacherous.

The idea that Craig James' son was going to play in the NFL was ridiculous.

because he thinks his son's going to the NFL. which of course is ridiculous. And then the interesting thing is he caught more balls under me than he did under Tommy Tuberville. You know, it's just one of these total parents that thinks his kid's an all-star type of thing.

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes and snake owners are the worst people

Ferrets are a gateway drug to snakes, and people who own snakes are the worst people in the world. So you need to do something about that.

Hard Knocks is the official start of football season

Hard Knocks is officially the start of football season. It's also great because they're doing the Bucs this year, and I honestly forget that the Bucs are a team a lot of the times.

Dirk Koetter is an inherently unmemorable person

Dirk is the guy, you could put me in a chair clockwork orange style and just tape my eyelids open for a day and show me nonstop clips of Dirk Koetter, and I would not remember what he looked like the next day.

The NFL is better when kickers are erratic and unpredictable

We want to see Roberto Aguayo stick around because the NFL is always a better place. When there's a kicker that whenever he lines up, you don't know which way the ball is going to go. Like it might hit the ref in the head and knock him unconscious.

Watching Hard Knocks will lead to drafting a bust running back in your fantasy league

It is also the time of year where you watch Hard Knocks and you fall in love with a guy who's catching everything or the backup running back, and then you draft him in your fantasy league, and he sucks. It's called the Chris Polk.

Phil Mickelson is on the Cool Throne because of his jacked legs

My cool throne is Phil Mickelson's legs. He decided to wear shorts at the PGA Championship practice round, and his legs were looking jacked.

The Mooch is on the Cool Throne after getting a hero's welcome on Long Island

The Mooch got a hero's welcome at an Italian restaurant on Long Island. The Mooch went to a Long Island Italian restaurant and it reportedly erupted into cheers for him. Everyone stopped what they were doing and cheered for him.

The Detroit Pistons 90s horse logo jersey is one of the worst ever

My number one was the Pistons throwback. Remember when the Pistons changed their logo in the 90s? The green and yellow and red horse. The worst jersey criteria is when the original jersey was great and the original logo was great. They're like, we're just going to make everything weird colors.

The Phoenix Coyotes 90s jersey is the worst of all time

And then my four is probably the worst jersey of all time, the Phoenix Coyotes. You remember that one? That was awful. That was the most disgusting jersey I've ever seen in my life.

The New England Patriots current jerseys are awful

I'm going to go with the Patriots jersey... No offense, Hank, but I think the Patriots, for being such a great team, have had awful jerseys for the last 20 years.

Yellow jerseys are disgusting and make for a bad viewing experience

My number two is the Nashville Predators. I just hate yellow. I hate when they're playing games and their whole arena is yellow. It just looks disgusting.

Bryce Harper is currently the face of baseball

The face right now you would like to think would be, in my opinion, it's Bryce Harper. Unfortunately, there's not one that you can latch on to... Mike Trout is the football fan face of baseball.

The Home Run Derby can mechanically ruin a hitter's swing

I believe there are some things to it mechanically as well. Guys get into a groove mechanically and are able to repeat and put on this certain launch angle, and then shit changes when you get back into the ballgame and you're facing change-ups with depth. You're facing sliders that are bouncing.

Canceling an NFL game causes an immediate increase in local crime

When you cancel a game, there's a crime wave that hits the town. There's an increase in evil that we call crime. So unless you want Canton, Ohio to be run over by thugs tonight, you better have that damn kickoff.

Nobody who writes a book actually reads it cover-to-cover

I have a working theory that nobody that's written a book has actually read their book. Do you listen to your podcast over and over? Yeah, sometimes.

Mark Zuckerberg wears the same clothes every day as a 'nerd shield'

My number one [nerd] is Mark Zuckerberg. Big time nerd. You know he's a nerd for a lot of reasons, but the fact that he just can't ever stop wearing the same clothes, he's just like, that's his defense mechanism. It's a little shield. Nerd shield.

Using an Android phone makes you a huge nerd compared to using an iPhone

He's not an iPhone guy. That's a huge nerd. Huge nerd. Like, well, all of China doesn't use an iPhone. They use Androids. Actually, the Android operating system is superior. It moves faster. I don't care that I make all my friends hate me because they have to text in green bubbles.

Everyone who watches Game of Thrones is a nerd

Everyone that watches Game of Thrones. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Did you hear about Game of Thrones? Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? I've been reading spoilers.

Anthony Scaramucci is a sleazeball fredo who lacks all scruples

If I ever saw anybody that came on TV that screamed, I am a sleazeball, I would say [Anthony Scaramucci] is the number one guy... instead of getting Michael being in charge, we have Fredo [Scaramucci].

Pardon My Take should own the rights to Electric Avenue through squatter's rights

At what point do you legally, like, squatters rights on a song where people know the song more because of us than because of Eddie Grant, so then we just become the owners of that song?

People who leave empty shopping carts in parking lots are fundamentally inconsiderate

When I go to a parking lot... can't these people take the empty shopping carts and return them where they got them? I mean, what is the big deal? ... People are so generally inconsiderate.

It is unprofessional for contractors and laborers to not return phone calls even if they don't want the work

When I hire someone to do some work... why do I have to keep chasing them to come to my house? Why do I have to call them nine times before they come over? ... Even if I don't want to do it, I call them back. Why not call somebody back?

Clothing manufacturers and dry cleaners conspire to put 'no dryer' labels on clothes

I think there's a big conspiracy out there. This is probably the big laundromat services of the world. They're basically dry cleaning services. They're basically making clothes that you can't put in the dryer so that you have to go to the dry cleaners.

College football is fundamentally better when Nebraska is a good program

They're the quintessential college football is better when Texas is a good program. You know, it's like Texas. It's Notre Dame and Nebraska is like the third one of those programs. College football is better when Nebraska is good. That's a fact.

You should always start college with an easy major like communications and only add hard majors if you find it too easy

Start at the bullshit major and if you end up being like, oh, I'm actually smarter than I thought, then you can add on. Start with the communications. Start with the history or the political side. Then if you find out that it's too easy, then you can add to engineering.

Young adults should be assholes and selfish until they turn 25

I don't trust people who know exactly what they want to do in life when they're 18 and 19 years old because we're all shitheads before we're 25. Until you turn 25, you should be an asshole. You should be selfish. You should not care about anybody else. You should just want to have a good time all the time.

Colin Kaepernick isn't being signed because his vegan diet makes him physically weak

I think that the reason [Kaepernick] is not being signed is because he's not taking care of his body. He's made up of plant proteins. Not animal proteins, and he's just not as... resilient. I've never seen a plant win a fight.

The government has already won the spying game because everyone willingly put Alexa listening devices in their homes

Big Brother, you thought that the government was going to start putting robots in our houses. They just flipped the script and they're like, everyone has to go buy those stupid Alexa things. And they willingly put it in their house. And now we've been spied on. And now it's over. If you buy an Alexa, you're done. It has your credit card information. You're done.

Honey Nut Cheerios are the greatest cereal of all time

I've got a great value pick at number two: Honey Nut Cheerios. I think they're the goat. I'm just gonna say that... you forget the bee puts his honey in there for you.

Froot Loops are the superior cereal to Apple Jacks because Apple Jacks taste like pink snot

Apple Jacks and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you can't eat like many, many bowls... they taste like pink snot. It's gross. Fruit Loops are superior Apple Jacks that look exactly the same.

Apple Jacks milk is the best leftover cereal milk on the list

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Apple Jacks are both not only good cereals, but the milk in the cereal bowl after the cereal's gone is better than any other cereal on the list.

Being a great clubhouse guy means having no ego and not intimidating teammates

I'll tell you what makes a great locker room guy: immediately when you're hung like the light switch in the off position. Got it. So I think that immediately lowers a lot of stuff... When you care about guys and truly care about them, you want guys to do well.

The Cubs are a different team when Addison Russell is playing at his full potential

I think the Cubs, they're a different team when Addison Russell is who he should be. So that's a guy who, when he's feeling it and he's hitting the ball the way he should be hitting the ball, he's playing defense how he plays defense, I think their lineup completely changes.

Theo Epstein is smarter than most GMs because he trusts his instincts and asks players for feedback instead of just relying on spreadsheets

He's way smarter than a lot of those guys. Just because you're in this certain job title, there's not a whole lot of instincts going on in some of these places, bro. Theo has a unique gift of knowing boys club, of knowing clubhouse stuff... he goes out and asks players for things. Do you think this guy's good?

Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens definitely belong in the Hall of Fame

Barry Bonds? Yes. I think yes. Roger Clemens? Yes.

Odell Beckham Jr. is the best wide receiver in the NFL

I'm saying he's the best wide receiver in football. Odell Beckham, is it really the hair that makes him memorable or is it the fact that he's the best wide receiver in football?

The NBA offseason is currently better than Game of Thrones

LeBron James, the NBA offseason has now become, I hate to be the guy who's like the offseason is better than the real season, but it's making a run for its money because it's better than Game of Thrones.

LeBron James is definitely the alpha over Steph Curry

You could tell that Steph Curry... practiced that [impression] in front of a mirror a lot. Like, he's so deep into Steph Curry's head. LeBron James is definitely the alpha in this situation.

Steph Curry and Kyrie Irving are on the lamer side of NBA players

Those are two of, like – if you look at, like, the coolness factor of NBA players, [Steph Curry and Kyrie Irving] are definitely on the lamer side, and they are clowning on LeBron.

Charles Barkley is a good gambler who just gets unlucky

I played blackjack with [Charles Barkley]. We played high stakes blackjack together recently, and he was playing really good. He was unlucky, I've got to say. He was playing perfectly. And I was playing perfectly, and I think I won $30,000, and he went the other way... but I mean, he was just unlucky.

Colin Kaepernick clearly should be signed by an NFL team

To start the offseason, I thought the Colin Kaepernick storyline was bullshit. But now it's kind of like, all right, he's clearly – someone's just – like, he should be signed. They signed two backup quarterbacks that I had never heard of.

Every reporter should Google themselves once a week

If you're a reporter, if you're a journalist, you have to be able to take the heat as well. Every reporter should Google themselves once a week, I would say. Got to make sure your name's out there. Read all the hate possible.

I want to name my son 'Winner'

I want to name my son, my eventual son, Winner. Okay this is along the same lines of naming him coach. It's an alpha name... who's gonna be like no I don't want to have winner on my team.

NFL critics who claim they stopped watching are actually still watching every Sunday

You know my favorite are the people on Twitter that say, I can no longer morally watch football. You are a fucking liar because I know you're fucking watching the Red Zone from 1 o'clock to 7 o'clock every fucking Sunday. You can't stop watching the NFL. You can't. Like it or not, it's here.

Magnus Ver Magnussen is the second greatest athlete ever behind only Barry Bonds

I don't think there's ever been an athlete that's better at what they do than Magnus [Ver Magnussen], with maybe the exception of Barry Bonds.

LeBron James is setting up excuses to leave Cleveland by blaming Kyrie and the front office

This is all setting up. You first have the GM situation. You have Dan Gilbert acting crazy as always. You have Kyrie asking for a trade. LeBron can now leave Cleveland and be like, it's not my fault. It was all on you guys.

Jimmy Garoppolo is essentially Cody Kessler with a better logo

The way I've described him is it's like if you go into a shop and you've got 10 shirts that are exactly the same. It's like buying the one with the Nike logo on it. It's not necessarily a better shirt. It just looks better. [Garoppolo] and Cody Kessler is not a big difference.