Canceling an NFL game causes an immediate increase in local crime

When you cancel a game, there's a crime wave that hits the town. There's an increase in evil that we call crime. So unless you want Canton, Ohio to be run over by thugs tonight, you better have that damn kickoff.

Ryan Tannehill is effectively retired because wide receivers cannot return from knee injuries

I'm going to say [Ryan Tannehill] is injured right now because a knee injury is impossible to come back from for a wide receiver.

The sun is scientifically cold because space is cold

Where do you land, by the way, on our theory that the sun is, in fact, cold? I'm a fan of the space that just seems to shut everybody down. Space is cold and everyone just... When you said you were willing to hear it out, I was just going to say space is cold. That's it.

Late-night TV news commercials for products like CarShield are frauds

When I see them up there, those products are fraud... I mean, they wouldn't be advertising there if they weren't a fraud. I have an occasional check with the FTC site and the Better Business Bureau to see various of these companies have all sorts of consumer complaints against them. And what a shock!

If a commercial starts by saying 'this is not a scam,' it's probably a scam

When they started with the reverse mortgages... the ad started with a sentence: 'This is not a scam.' I mean, that was the furthest thing from my mind until he put it in my head that this might be a scam. Why are they saying it's legit? It never occurred to me that it's not, but now I'm going to start to investigate it.

The New York Times was desperate for Alex Cooper to say something negative about Barstool Sports

It was obvious to me... that the New York Times was salivating to get [Alex Cooper] to say something that would be damaging to Barstool. And she didn't. They couldn't resist getting [the sidebar about Dave Portnoy] in there.