Takes

Even-year bullshit is dead now that the Giants have been eliminated

Welcome to Pardon My Take. It is Wednesday, October 12th. And even-year bullshit is dead... Let me tell you something about even-year bullshit. It's bullshit.

The Giants' bullpen was destined to blow up eventually

The Giants blew a record amount of saves this year. Their bullpen was shaky all year. They were going to blow up at some point.

Chocolate milk is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

Number one, non-alcoholic drinks, chocolate milk. Shout out to the nut boys.

Arizona Green Tea is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

My power rank for, number one, Arizona, the Great Buy Green Tea. The 99 cent, the big tall boy.

Cherry Coke is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

I know where I'm starting. Cherry Coke. Oh, yeah. That's good. Can't believe that one wasn't taken.

Buccaneers GM Jason Licht is on the hot seat for drafting a kicker in the second round

I guess now my hot seat is going to be Jason Licht, the GM for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, for drafting a kicker in the second round. Kind of a tough move on his part.

NFL players must use a patellar tendon graft to successfully return from an ACL injury

If you want to keep playing... You know you've got to do the patella. No, no, no. That's part of your knee... And that's the best way. I'm continuing playing, and I'm excited about next year.

Philip Rivers is one of the most underrated players in the NFL

Philip Rivers is, I would say, one of the... I think he's one of the more underrated players with what he can do. He's a pretty amazing quarterback.

The NFL's ratings are down because players' backs aren't falling off enough

The NFL's ratings are down. Maybe it's because your players' backs aren't falling off enough.

Jim Harbaugh and Nick Saban are the same person because they are so committed to the process they don't know the score

I think [Harbaugh] and Saban are the same dude... they are so committed to the process. I would be shocked if Nick Saban knew what the score was in the middle of the game.

Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they were good

The University of Oregon is back to sucking like they did before they got good.

Real life in the NFL is way more wild than the show 'Ballers'

Oh, no. Are you kidding me? Real life is way worse than that. In fact, half the stuff you know went down in the NFL. If I went to the producers of Ballers and said, hey, man, I got a great storyline for you. If this actually happened, they'd say, Glaze, are you out of your damn mind? Nobody would ever believe that.

Kyle Long is the strongest and most violent athlete I have ever trained

That is the strongest, most violent individual who's ever put his hands on me in my entire life. And that includes the Chuck Liddells and the Dan Andersons and the Randy Coutures. I mean, it's not even close, dude.

The Rock outworks everyone and is the epitome of who you want to be

He is the epitome of what you want to be. He outworks everybody. You don't just get lucky. You don't just be in the right place at the right time. You outwork everybody else to make sure you are in the right place at the right time. And he epitomizes that.

It is impossible that Dwight Howard doesn't know the names of the players on the Golden State Warriors

This comes to us from Dwight Howard, who said that he couldn't name the players on the Golden State Warriors. [Big Cat/PFT]: Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Okay, Dwight... I had no idea. I don't even care about other teams. Yeah.

True locker room talk is just men wondering why the old guy won't put on a towel

The real, if people want to know what real locker room talk is around America, locker room talk is basically just an inner monologue saying, why is that old guy not put a towel around his body? Like, why do I got to look at that old guy's dick?

The Red Sox regret getting rid of Terry Francona

Hank, do you think that the Red Sox are regretting getting rid of Terry Francona? No. I'm going to be the first to say that they are. That's definitely a conversation that needs to happen in America starting now.

Chip Kelly's current strategy is to suck for three years before getting fired with a massive payout

Chip Kelly, he's in phase one. He does the football producers everywhere he goes. Phase one is tank. Phase two is draft good players. Phase three is trade those good players away and then suck again. And then you get fired after three years and then you have a lot of money.

The Redskins are trash

I got the Vikings. I have the Ravens. I think the Redskins are trash. Trash. Our words.

We're confident in the guys we're going into battle with and if we do the same thing as the regular season, things might turn out pretty good

I don't see that at all happening. I know that we're confident in the abilities that we have. I know that we're confident in the guys that we're going into battle with, so I think we do the same thing that we do during the regular season, and things might turn out pretty good.

The Cubs would have won the 2015 NLCS if Addison Russell was healthy

People forget that you got injured before the NLCS last year... I think we probably win that series if you're healthy. Would you agree? I would like to agree. I would like to agree.

I want to play the Mets in the postseason for revenge

Definitely I would like to play the Mets... i didn't miss out on this series i would like to play them again. okay i i agree i'd like a little revenge as well

Theo Epstein is more intimidating than Tom Ricketts

Who is more intimidating when they come walking around the clubhouse, Ricketts or Theo? I would say Theo. What about Jed? Jed has some intimidation factor, but he's just kind of like a little bit short.

Most likely Cub to ground into a double play besides Jason Heyward

I would say myself.

I'm the best dancer on the Cubs — Rizzo is a liar

Oh, if he told you that himself, he's a lion.

I believe in ghosts but I don't believe in curses

I believe in ghosts, too, but I don't believe in curses at all.

Cubs fans should be scared of Madison Bumgarner in the NLDS

Man, I don't know. I'm scared for the Cubs. I'm serious. The problem with playing the Giants for the Cubs' sake is you really need to win the first two games. Ideal situation would be not going back to San Francisco in a 1-1 series and having to face Bumgarner.

In a one-game win-or-die scenario, Clayton Kershaw is the best choice

if you had one game to win and you could have your pick of, let's call it Scherzer, Arrieta, and Kershaw, who are you taking? Kershaw, no doubt. Yeah, but you're friends with him. Yeah, so.

Jake Arrieta is spraying his fastball around more than usual and is cause for worry

I'm a little worried about the way he's throwing the ball. It seems a little wild... he just seems kind of spraying his – it seems to me he sprays his fastball around a little more than usual... it's led to him getting into more like two and three, one counts.

The Rangers' stadium really sucks

That stadium in Texas really sucks. I don't like it. It's just, I just don't like, I don't know, I don't like the setup. Yeah, I mean, the fans always sing, I don't know, it wasn't the toughest place to pitch.

A basketball team's quality is directly correlated to how many high fives they give

Earl Watson, the head coach... Earl the Pearl says that they're going to start tracking players' high fives... Naturally, the more high fives you give, the better you are.

The pressure for male TV announcers to have full heads of hair is messed up

Joe Buck has come out and said that he was addicted to hair plant surgery and almost lost his career... I think that's fucked up, the pressure that we put on our male announcers to look good for the camera. Always be looking good.

Buck Showalter is a moron for not using Zach Britton in the Wild Card game

Buck Showalter is a moron. Or Zach Britton's hurt. We're all sitting here wondering why Ubaldo Jimenez with his 5.44 ERA was pitching. Zach Britton, his ERA, .54. Best in the big leagues. And he was being saved for game two. Either Zach Britton is hurt or he's just saving him for some random game that doesn't exist.

Sports teams should stop using bird-related nicknames

Can we just call it a day with all the fucking bird team nicknames? I think we've hit our limit. They're not intimidating. It's like somebody asked them for a name and they look up and see the Blue Jays, the Orioles. Just knock it off with the bird team names.

Every lunch order is just a different variation of a sandwich

Panini, sandwich, wrap, sub. Those are my power rankings for lunch. Because if you haven't realized by now that you just eat any kind of form of sandwich for lunch every day, you're an idiot.

Pizza is not a good lunch food because it makes you fall asleep

See, pizza's not good for lunch. I'm just going to throw that out there. When you're eating lunch, my main goal is to just not eat so much that I want to fall asleep. And pizza will always do that to me.

A soup and half-sandwich combo is a 'power move' lunch order

My first one is soup and a half sandwich combo. That's actually a power move. It's a really good lunch. Not enough people order it.

A wet Andy Reid is a sad Andy Reid

A wet Andy Reid is a sad Andy Reid. Andy Reid, I bet, is like when your dog gets wet and smells awful. You don't want a wet Andy Reid.

Mike McCoy needs to be fired by the Chargers

Hot seat, Mike McCoy. Someone needs to fire Mike McCoy. It's incredible. He's 23-29. He's on his fourth year. They were up 34-21 with six minutes left against the Saints. Week one they were up 27-10 with 11 minutes left. Someone put Mike McCoy out of his misery.

Bill Belichick is on the cool throne because the Patriots losing shows they actually need him to coach

Bill Belichick is now cool throne because they lost the game with Brisket [Jacoby Brissett], so they actually do need a coach. So it's not just the machine that can go on autopilot.

The NFL should move to shorter, fully guaranteed contracts for players

In my opinion, I think the NFL should sign players to shorter contracts and guaranteed contracts. You're a battering ram. These guys basicially have two years left on a contract, but it's not guaranteed, so they just walk away.

Roger Goodell should hold weekly open press conferences with his biggest critics

I think every Thursday or Friday at 11 o'clock, [Goodell] ought to have a standing appointment with one of his tormentors... Bill Simmons ought to come in... Rachel Nichols and all the other people who have been critical of him... have it be all comers. You can ask whatever you want.

Twitter is essentially the new Associated Press wire service

Twitter is a great tool... I had somebody a few years ago tell me, you know what Twitter is? It's like two generations ago what the Associated Press was. It's like a wire service... On an average Thursday afternoon, if I spend 45 minutes on Twitter, I know what the coach of every team said that day.

Michael Vick should be in the Hall of Fame based on his on-field performance

I would vote Michael Vick for the Hall of Fame based only on what he did on the field. But I don't think he did enough as an NFL player to be on the field. But whatever happened to him off the field, even though it did cost him two years, would not prevent me from voting for him for the Hall of Fame.

The creepy clown sightings across the US are fake videos staged for views

I really dove into the clowns. They're all fake. It's all videos of people recording themselves driving. When in your life have you recorded yourself driving? It's them trying to turn around, freaking out like a bear is coming at them, and then the video stops right before the clown comes at the door. Until the clowns take action, I'm woke.

October is the best month of the sports year.

It's October. Best month of the year. Sports year by far. It's the only month where all four major sports will be in action. You got the MLB playoffs. You have all of rivalry weekends coming up for NCAA football. And NFL is starting to really cook.

Wikipedia is officially back and is better than books.

Wikipedia is back in a big way. It ain't stupid. You had the head-to-head matchup, so nobody can possibly say that Wikipedia is stupid anymore. Wikipedia is back... I've always distrusted books, and now it just kind of backed me up.

Carson Palmer has 'turned back into a pumpkin' and is no longer elite.

Turns out Carson Palmer... Turned back into a pumpkin. It struck midnight, and Carson Palmer turned back into a glass slipper.

The Atlanta Falcons are officially back.

I have my who's back, the Atlanta Falcons. Falcons are back. They are back. Last week you had Matt Ryan back, right? Well, no, two weeks, three weeks ago I had Dan Quinn on my hot seat. Then I had Matt Ryan back. Now I have the Falcons back.

Coach Orgeron is a cult leader whose novelty will wear off because he is not smart enough to sustain success.

The thing with Coach O is he's basically a cult leader, right? He gets in, and he gets these kids really, really fired up because he's got a huge personality... But he's too dumb to be a good cult leader. So, like, the novelty of being in a cult and really enjoying your cult status, like, it's going to wear off pretty quickly.