Takes

Charlie Woods could win the Masters right now if they let him in

Charlie Woods could win the Masters right now if you wanted to. Is there a way that if they let him in, he could win it? ... Charlie Woods is gonna be the greatest. He's next up. We've always said that on this podcast. He is now he's him.

Big Ben is poorly suited to play for the 49ers compared to every other quarterback

I think that you could name a quarterback in the NFL right now and they're probably better suited for the 49ers than Big Ben. Yes. Doesn't matter who you are. Right. No, that doesn't mean I wouldn't watch it. No. If he played I'd watch every second.

Sam Bankman-Fried was exposed as the biggest dork alive after his arrest

It's the fact that like to the regular world, I count myself in that where I'm not really into crypto. He just got exposed as being the biggest dork alive. Like I saw a picture of him and I heard his voice and I was like, this guy's a fucking dork.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the GOAT

Ronaldo, my goat got benched. People don't like Ronaldo. I don't understand. ... Ronaldo's the goat, Messi's great but Ronaldo greater.

The Office would be canceled by today's standards

Mindy Kaling I guess was interviewed and she was like, yeah, the office would've been like, if they had the office today, it would've been canceled. ... if the office today was made today and it was canceled, like then comedy just truly is dead.

Chat GPT is going to replace everything

There's this new program called Chat GPT. ... this thing can basically write blogs. ... this thing's gonna replace everything. ... I'm definitely gonna be using this because, yeah, it's just insane.

The Rock is becoming too unlikable because he's too manufactured

At this point I regret to inform you that I think I'm out on the Rock... he seems like he's turned his entire life into a living breathing Upworthy headline... you've entered the weird online celebrity like John Legend, Chrissy Teigen era of I have to root a little bit against you now. You're too likable.

I will take Liver King back if he admits he used steroids and was just trying to recover from injury

If he just says like, yeah, guys, I'm 50 years old... I needed this stuff to like, you know, come back. Like if he basically does the, I was injured and I wanted to get back with the team real fast. Like, if he does that, I'll take him back. I'll be like, what? Fuck it, dude. Like at least you're honest now.

Lionel Messi is the Chris Paul of soccer if he doesn't win the World Cup

My hot seat is Lionel Messi in Argentina because Argentina just lost 2-1 against the kingdom of Saudi Arabia... maybe the biggest defeat in the World Cup, some are asking is Messi a bust? Some are asking is Messi the Chris Paul of soccer? I think it's a fair comparison at this point.

Pardon My Take will do a show from the Maui Invitational within 5 years

I'm gonna proclaim it right now. Within the next 5 years. This podcast is doing the Maui tournament. Yeah, I'm, I'm in Hawaii for Thanksgiving. We'll get a big fucking pig with with pineapple.

Zach Wilson and Patrick Mahomes would have a competitive game of PIG/HORSE

On that take, I will say if you took Zach Wilson and Patrick Mahomes and made them compete in a horse or pig like game where they had to complete certain throws probably not covered. They'd probably have a competitive game.

Sam Bankman-Fried is the latest Bernie Madoff

My hot seat is crypto in general. Sam Bankman-Fried from FTX is the latest Bernie Madoff right now. It's been in the news. He had I think about $40 billion and now he has $0 because his entire platform went bankrupt.

The Marcus Jordan and Larsa Pippen relationship is MJ's final revenge on Scottie Pippen

I just imagined MJ being like, did you hear all that shit about Scottie saying that LeBron's better than me? Go hit up Larsa. Yeah, let's, let's start this relationship Dogs. That's tough.

I bet Tua Tagovailoa to win the MVP at 16 to 1

I made another bet—Tua [Tagovailoa] to win the MVP 16 to one. What's gonna, if Josh—this is, it is also based like, I hope Josh Allen's not hurt, but if he is hurt, Tua feels like he's got a lot of, lot of like people feel bad about the concussions. He's gonna have some, a lot of numbers.

Anything done during the pandemic should be forgiven (Pandemic Amnesty)

My cool throne is pandemic amnesty. Turns out anything you do during the pandemic, we're all gonna forget about and forgive each other. I think anything should be forgiven. Like anything. No, but whatever it was, forgive me for it.

Jim Nantz's plan to retire from calling games but still do the trophy presentation is bullshit

I think this is kind of horse shit what he's doing. I think you have to either get out the Final four or all the way. Yeah. Or you're in it all the way. Yeah. You can't just say, I'm not gonna announce the game, but then kick it to me for the trophy presentation and that's kind of bullshit.

Russell Westbrook's shot selection is only getting worse because of the criticism

You know, that old drill tweet like keeps screaming at me. It only makes my opinions worse. Yeah. That's what's happening with Russell Westbrooks jump shot. Yeah. Everyone's telling you, everyone's booing you and trying to get you to stop shooting... it's actually just making Westbrook shoot the ball more often.

Aaron Rodgers is blaming his teammates for the Packers' struggles

Guys who are making too many mistakes shouldn't be playing. Gotta start cutting some reps. So it's not his fault, it's his teammate's fault.

Sam Ehlinger will be a successful game manager for the Colts

The most hilarious would be if they just came in and they went old school and just ran Jonathan Taylor 35 times a game and asked him to be a game manager. They make the playoffs and then you can still claim he's a better quarterback than Trevor Lawrence. That's what I'm hoping for.

Draymond Green glorified assaulting his teammate in his TNT mini-doc

He managed to turn him almost killing one of his teammates in a disgusting move... and then has a show on TNT where he like made it, he like glorified it. Basically he glorified himself assaulting his teammate and looking so like immature, childish and just bad.

The rats run New York City, not the humans

I think the rats run the city. If you have to say that [the rats don't run the city], I think the rats run the city.

I am getting hair plugs to combat my balding

I'm gonna go one way or the other. I don't wanna stay where I'm at right now. I'm in no man's land... All right. I'm gonna get hair plugs.

Ben Simmons should stop shooting because every miss becomes a viral mockery

I now am starting to understand why Ben Simmons just doesn't shoot because he, he can't shoot. And every time he does shoot it becomes a viral moment... why would I shoot when I know that it's not gonna go in and people are gonna roast [me]?

Losing a preseason game to an NBL team is bad for Chris Paul's legacy

The sun's lost their first games. Good for us. They lost an NBL team, an Australian league team... How did Chris Paul do though legacy wise? [Hank:] I mean, that's bad for your legacy. [Big Cat:] I'm gonna count that as another 3-1 lead blown.

Ben Simmons will be one of the most hated and mocked players on the internet this season

Ben Simmons is back and he's shooting basketball... It's gonna be awesome when it's like a Thursday night primetime game... and he just misses a shot. And the whole, like this is now this we're we're looking at one of the most universally hated guys on the internet... There's not a lot of defense for Ben Simmons.

War should be replaced by a 'Space Olympics' where countries compete to blow up asteroids for mining rights

We drop so many bombs on Earth every day. Why don't we just throw all those bombs and blow something up and develop a point system and compete. Make it like a Space Olympics. And we like compete with like other countries and space programs. And the winner gets like, I don't know, mining rights to certain natural resources.

Dude Perfect's $100 million facility is the official tipping point of the American empire's decline

Dude Perfect is building a hundred million dude facility in somewhere in Texas... I think we're gonna look back on this in the history books... as signs of American decline. Why did this Empire Fall? No, it was [Dude Perfect] building a giant monument to themselves in central Texas to the tune of 150 million. That is the tipping point of our society as a whole.

Being a field goal holder is an easy job that even freshmen can do

I've been a holder. Really? Yeah. When I was like third string quarterback. It's an easy job. If you're a decent, if you're like can catch like they put like freshman as holders.

Magnus Carlsen is a 'baby back bitch' for quitting the chess tournament

And then they, they, they finally have another matchup yesterday and Magnus quits after one move. He retires. And he disconnects his entire computer. I might not be this goat thing might not be working out. He might, he might be baby back bitch.

Russell Wilson is identically copying Tom Brady's social media videos

Russell Wilson has just completely ripped off his [Brady's] post game videos like identical. And it was it. I mean, it's so Russ it's so Russ and for doing it for a 16, 9 win against the Texans was even better. Everything was, was exactly identical going from the, the intro, the different cuts, the type of filters, the music.

The Beyond Meat COO bit a man's nose because he craved real animal protein

My hot seat is beyond meat. The COO. Yes. Of beyond meat after the Arkansas, Missouri game bit a guy's nose in a parking lot. And that's just a class example of a guy craving real animal protein.

Texas A&M is a cult

Texas a and M is a cult. Yeah. I, I say this as somebody that knows a lot of Aggies. I lived in Texas for about 10 years. They're cult. A lot of 'em are nice people, but nice people who are in a cult. What was the thing the guy was doing where he, like, he would do that every time? That's that's the horse laugh. Oh my God. They've got entire, they have an entire like catalog and encyclopedia of different hand motions and body motions that these yell leaders have to make at certain points. They're just, they're just cults.

Robert Saleh taking 'receipts' on his haters is a dangerous game that will only make the mocking worse if they lose

Robert Saleh went in front of the media on Monday and said... 'we're all taking receipts on all the people who continually mock... and I'm gonna be more than happy to share them with all of you when all is said and done.' ... I will put myself down as a receipt. He can, he can absolutely come back and dunk on me when the jets become a super bowl team. But yeah, that was he he's, he's taking receipts... if they're not good this year, he could get fired. And if they're not good next year, he definitely will get fired. So yeah, those receipts, it's tough to say that.

Dabo Swinney would be a serial killer or a Scientology leader if not for football

If it weren't for football, like Dabo Swinney would be a serial killer. Like he's, he's unhinged. He's an unhinged human being. He's not a well-adjusted human being... He probably would take over for David Miscavige and just be the next fucking Scientology guy.

Brian Kelly already regrets moving to LSU

You can see the look in his eye. He's already thinking to himself, like I fucked up, I made the wrong decision. I don't know what I'm doing down here.

Bill Clinton definitely hooked up with Dr. Ruth at the US Open

Bill Clinton was at the US Open too. And he was best term for it—he was noodling with Dr. Ruth. They were getting very close... bill Clinton was getting real horny with Dr. Ruth. And I think he fucked her. I'm going to say he fucked her.

Albert Pujols' late-career home run surge is suspicious and 'not normal'

Albert Pujols, 42 years old. July 4th he was hitting .189. And since then he leads the league in batting average and has like 11 homers. That's totally normal... Why does Sam Querrey not do fucking drugs before he retires? He should have done some fucking Winstrol.

Baker Mayfield will 'fuck up' the Cleveland Browns in Week 1

My hot seat are the Browns. Baker Mayfield... was quoted saying 'I'm going to fuck them up' in regards to the Browns. That's my hot seat Baker.

Will Zalatoris made a deal with the devil to win one tournament and his injury is the cost

I'm nervous that he made a deal with the devil and the deal with the devil was let me win one. That's what I'm nervous about. And I bet on him last week to finish top 10... I'm nervous cuz it feels like the timing is [predominant].

Saquon Barkley's 'kill mindset' quote will be used against him as soon as he has a bad game

My cool throne is the Giants fantasy people that are gonna draft Saquon Barkley. He said, it's kill mindset now. It's like, fuck everybody. I'm sure that won't be like a quote that gets turned around when it's like that quote and then him going like, 14 rushes for 60 yards.

Desmond Ridder 'is him' and is already NFL ready

My hot seat is Marcus Mariota... I watched the Jets Falcons game last night. I think Desmond Ridder is that guy. I think he is him... I think I'm ready to say based off watching him one time in the preseason that this is gonna be a guy that I will believe in for the next four years.

The Falcons do not have their quarterback of the future on their current roster

I think the Falcons don't have their quarterback of the future on the roster right now.

Geno Smith should be a first-half specialist and Drew Lock should be the closer

Geno Smith, I think plays pretty well based on recent experiences in like the first half. And then Drew Lock is good in garbage time. So I think they should put Geno Smith in, in the first half as the first half specialist. Drew Lock comes in as the closer.

Stephen A. Smith would win the Presidency if he ran

Stephen A. Smith said that he would run for president... I'll tell you this right now. Stephen A. Smith, you would win. Yes, you would win. Who would debate against Stephen A. Smith? He would literally go to Texas and mock the Cowboys and be like, I don't give a fuck about your votes and still win.

PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan overplayed his hand and had zero leverage against LIV Golf

He also overplayed his hand. Yeah, of course. And everyone's like, yeah. Okay. You know what? You know, what's better than, than winning. The fortnight challenge is getting a hundred million guaranteed. So Jay Monahan just needs to be like, listen, I fucked this one up. I'm firing myself... It's a classic case of really overplaying your hand and thinking that you had all the leverage in the world when you actually had zero.

MLB should cover up steroid use for players who are great for the game

David Ortiz was like, they, they just shouldn't suspend him because he's so good at baseball. And he is a face of the game... That's actually that's that makes more sense than what his own dad is doing. David Ortiz is right. It's like, if you're awesome at baseball, they should just cover it up.

NFL Blitz without delayed hits is like porn without nipples

NFL blitz is back. There's they're selling it without delayed hits though. Which is stupid... It's basically selling porn with no nipples. I'm a big time like go woke, go broke guy. Yeah, no one's gonna buy NFL blitz minus late hits. That's the only reason.

Shohei Ohtani is on one of the most irrelevant franchises in professional sports

Show Otani has been incredible... And he just completely lost by being on like one of the more irrelevant franchises in all professionals. Like Anahi, there's no reason that nobody cares about Anaheim, right? Like they are a big market. Kind of, they stink.

The NFL purposefully scheduled Christmas Day games to screw over NBA markets

NFL is game, right? They did it so that each market is fucked by the NFL... Celtics, Sixers, Nicks, sons nuggets, Lakers, Mavs... Packers are playing bucks. They just fucked. It's it's so great. They just like, oh, here are your top teams that you're gonna use for Christmas day. We're gonna steal 'em.

Colin Cowherd knows exactly who PMT is and is doing a bit by pretending not to

He is now going on seven years of the running gag of pretending he doesn't know who we are... he described me as a standup comedian, big guy, big physical presence. And I like, at this point I respect Cowherd for doing this because he is so committed to it... for him to pretend he doesn't know what the number one sports podcast is. I actually tip my cap. Like it's funny.