Takes

Anyone who announces they are retiring from Twitter is an asshole who will eventually return

Here's just a simple rule in life. If you announce that you are retiring from Twitter, you're probably a fucking asshole who will be back on Twitter in due time. That was Chrissy's biggest thing... we pulled you back in you can't fucking leave we got you we got our claws in you you're a fucking loser like us

A-Rod is breaking up with J-Lo just for the clout

I feel like A-Rod is breaking up just for the clout these days.

LaMarcus Aldridge is not a Hall of Famer

[Speaker 2]: is LaMarcus Aldridge a Hall of Famer? [PFT Commenter]: Nah. Hang on, hang on. Let me just be strong.

If you don't listen to Coldplay, you're a loser

I'm going to say this right now. People bash Coldplay. I guarantee you. Like, if you don't listen to Coldplay, you're a loser.

You should be allowed to do anything to break up a no-hitter, but you must accept getting hit by a pitch the next day

My opinion on no hitters and perfect games, I think you should get to do anything to try to break it up, but you also should get to throw it at their head the next day.

Jadeveon Clowney earned 60% of his career earnings from a single hit against Michigan

How many millions of dollars do you think Jadeveon Clowney has gained in his life, in his career, from that one hit against Michigan? There has to be a number. 60% of his career earnings. Every time you think of him, you think of that hit.

The Jets were right to refuse a 1st round pick for Sam Darnold because Kyle Shanahan would have made them look like idiots

I actually am going to side with the Jets here simply because Kyle Shanahan is that type of coach that if he got Sam Darnold, Sam Darnold would be a pro bowler. ... It'd make you look bad. Like, he's the one guy I wouldn't want to trade my quarterback to just knowing that he's going to end up looking good and everyone would be like, oh, the Jets suck even more.

Roger Maris is the real home run king

[The asterisk] represents like the real home run king in my estimation. ... [Mark McGwire] apologized to [Maris's widow] for the shame that he brought to that record and breaking Roger's record and it being so well known that he was juiced the whole time.

Tony Romo is a genius when it comes to the mechanics of a golf swing

The guy is a genius when it comes to the mechanics. Like he understands people's golf swings better than I even think some coaches do with their students just because he sits there and he studies them nonstop.

Tony Romo is good enough to play at the PGA Tour level on his best days

So his good days are totally good enough to play at tour level. Um, it's just the bad is just where he's got to fix it and you know i think he's a great chipper and putter he's a pretty good iron player.

It is a 'big sunglasses on the back of the head guy' move to rip a ball away from a 5-year-old at a park

[Speaker 2]: his son was way older than mine, and he just stole the ball from our ball. And I was like, you can't take that. [PFT Commenter]: You know what that is? That's a big sunglasses on the back of the head upside down guy move.

You can't tell the story of football without Julian Edelman and Eli Manning

The best argument that Julian Edelman has and Eli Manning is you can't tell the story of football without those guys. Because you can't tell the story of the Falcons Super Bowl without Julian Edelman. You can't tell the story of Tom Brady's career without Eli Manning.

Ronald Acuña Jr. is officially the face of baseball

My cool throne is baseball because we do officially—I'm ready to call it—Ronald Acuña fully the face of baseball already. I just think Ronald Acuña, like, did you see what he did? He beat out the very routine infield hit... scores tagging up from third on a pop-up to the second baseman.

24-hour news networks should be tried for treason for dividing the country

I am a firm believer that there should no longer be 24-hour news networks because just the sheer panic of having to fill up all that time. I just find that CNN and Fox News, they should be tried for treason. All they do is divide the locker room.

Julian Edelman belongs in the Hall of Fame for his big game performance

Whenever we needed a first down, whenever we needed a big play, somehow that guy got open. I would put that [Atlanta Super Bowl] catch arguably as one of the greatest Super Bowl catches of all time. I look at him like he was on the modern day Steelers of the 70s and he was our Swan or Stallworth and both of those guys are in. I put him in there.

It's better to take vacations while you are young and can actually do things

As I've gotten to my age, I realized that... I'd rather take vacations while I'm youthful and can do many things. As opposed to earlier when you never took vacations. You don't want to just be an ant marching, dude. You're just a rat in a cage.

Tiger Woods would have won the 2021 Masters if he had been able to play

I think Tiger [Woods] would have won this Masters, I'll be honest with you. I agree.

Brooks Koepka is a hero for playing the Masters on one leg

We should also say the real winner of this Masters is Brooks Koepka. Competing on one leg like a warrior. Walking paralyzed man. Exactly. So the fact he was even able to get out there and play two rounds of golf. That's impressive.

Will Zalatoris is ready to join the PMT 'stable' of golfers

Will Zalatoris was my guy. I was riding him like a horse. I was hoping that he was going to come through. He is – he's the one to watch. I think we need to get him on the show. I think we need to add him to our stable of Brooks [Koepka], Max Homa, and I think Will Zalatoris is – I think he's ready.

Augusta National is the Kardashians of golf courses

I think that Augusta National is the Kardashians of golf courses because everyone talks about it all the time. It's perfectly manicured. It always makes sure that it's presented in its best light. Even with the papers that they give you, they give you a wrapping paper for a pimento cheese sandwich... That's green, so even if it falls on the ground, you don't see all the trash getting blown around. It's always got its best foot forward, and they will go out of their way to make sure that it is never presented in a frumpy light.

NFL wide receivers wearing single-digit numbers is a 'there goes the neighborhood' moment

The NFL is just, I guess, giving clearance to wide receivers to wear single-digit numbers... It's a major There Goes the Neighborhood moment. I think it's going to happen. Peter King leaked it out, and when Peter King has a scoop like that, it's Roger Goodell just being like, Peter, you are my trial balloon.

James Harden is the best player on the Brooklyn Nets

The Brooklyn Nets this year, they are 36-17. They are 27-7 with James Harden playing, and they are 9-10 without. James Harden is the best player in the Brooklyn Nets.

Bryson DeChambeau struggled at the Masters because he lacked specific yardage books

Augusta National, they don't provide [yardage books]... I almost wonder if it kind of jams up [Bryson DeChambeau's] airspace, so to speak, because you've got to sort it out completely on your own, and I think that's why you hear people talk so much about local knowledge and about playing here for years.

Augusta National pipes in bird noises for the Masters broadcast

I'm more convinced than ever that the birds are actually piped in crowd noise. Agreed. There's one bird in particular. They play its call over and over and over. It's a cardinal, I think. They're getting sloppy with it. I think it might be a whippoorwill. But whatever it is, it's very obvious.

Coach K's role with USA Basketball is a major gray area for recruiting

Coach K just, you know, getting to be friends with all of the NBA All-Stars and then, like, when he goes on recruiting visits being like, oh, you want me to FaceTime LeBron? Again, not cheating, but I would say that's a gray area, a major gray area.

Being a dad is the coolest thing ever

Being a dad is, like, the coolest thing ever. I'm just going to say that. Not to be sappy. But I fucking, like, me and my son, like, we bro out hard all the time... vibes to the moon.

No one in the world was beating Baylor in the National Championship game

No one in the world was beating Baylor on Monday night. And I think that we spent all year talking about how great Gonzaga was, rightfully so, because they were undefeated. But the real debate now is, is Baylor an all-time great team? Because they destroyed everyone in the tournament.

Gonzaga should absolutely play in a real conference

Well, you should play in a real conference. You should absolutely play in a real conference. Yes, I'm going to say that with my chest. And yeah, a lot of it has to do with the fact that there aren't a ton of Gonzaga fans out there. It's not like we're talking shit about the Steelers... With Gonzaga, it's like free play. Consequence free zone.

If a player scores while committing a charge, the basket should still count

To fix the charge rule, because this is one of those things where there's so many and it's kind of annoying where it's like there's too many charges. They should make it so that if you score, it counts. No matter what.

Every team Kevin Durant joins becomes 'whack'

Every team KD goes to, he makes them whack, you know? I love the Warriors. The Warriors were cool. They had their thing going. And then KD showed up to the party and was like, wait, guys, include me. And then I hated the Warriors. And then, you know, he went to the Nets. And now they're like, you know... If they don't win the championship, they're so whack.

If Sam Darnold never gets mono, his career would have been completely different

My question is, does Sam Darnold get traded from the Jets if he never gets mono? Is that the sliding door moment of Sam Darnold's entire life? I actually kind of think it is... If he never gets mono, is he something different? And I actually kind of think yes.

The Masters is the best 'come down' from the stress of March Madness

There's nothing better, though, than the Masters come down from the March Madness. It is really the greatest... Like set up because it's high impact, high stress sports watching for three, four weeks. And then you get the most low impact, good on your knees, napping on the couch in and out the best type of sports watching.

Aaron Rodgers is the perfect fit to host Jeopardy!

I do think that this is the perfect fit for Aaron Rodgers. I think it's everything that he loves. I watched Jeopardy a lot, and it features mustaches heavily, and it features the host who gets to know the answers to everything and feel smarter than everybody else, which is exactly in Aaron Rodgers' name.

The cancelation of Barstool Van Talk saved their lives

We would all be super mega rich film stars or dead. Dead. That's my go-to answer when everyone, if anybody asks me a question like that, it's like, yeah, I would have died within six months. We did it for fucking seven days and I was pooping blood.

Gonzaga vs. UCLA was one of the best tournament games in history

This is sports rule because we have the national championship tonight in the Final Four on Saturday and one of the best basketball games, tournament games, we've watched in the history of the tournament. I'm fine with maybe being a little hyperbolic with that statement, that game fucking ruled.

Miley Cyrus is the greatest entertainer of all time

I went to the one [concert] where she did the tour, and she had a bunch of... It was almost like a mini circus that she brought out onto the... She's the greatest entertainer of all time. It was awesome.

The Jalen Suggs buzzer-beater is the third-best in NCAA Tournament history

I think this makes it three... Chris Jenkins is number one because you won the title... I think that's two [Laettner], but I think this makes it three.

WWE fans will initially complain about any major change

I'm of the opinion that no matter what you do, people are going to, in their initial take on it, their initial thought is to question or criticize... nothing is perfect in its first iteration. And there'll be a lot of changes that are made... i think this is going to be a great thing for people long term.

NXT has more passion than the main roster because they are still proving themselves

NXT has morphed into becoming sort of its own brand... it's sort of like college football where you're still playing for the love of the game. It hasn't become about just money yet or just position yet... I think in NXT that passion comes across harder. They're still trying to prove a point.

Skip Bayless's brain should be studied because he genuinely does not care that everyone hates him

Skip Bayless's brain should be studied just because he truly does not care that everyone hates him. And I think he might be the only person on it that actually feels that way.

Kyle Pitts should be the number one overall pick in the NFL Draft

I think Kyle Pitts should get drafted, number one. He runs like a deer. He is a chess piece mismatch. And then he keeps opposing defensive coordinators up at night. Those are the three things that he does.

A Gonzaga-Baylor championship game won't appeal to casual sports fans as much as Blue Bloods

If we can get Gonzaga-Baylor, it would be great for intercollege basketball fans, but the casual sports fan, maybe not. They won't set aside the time if it was Duke versus Kentucky in the championship.

North Carolina should not hire Brad Stevens

America wants it to be Carolina and I want to come on your show nationally and say: We don't want Brad Stevens. Why do I want a floundering NBA coach to be my coach? I'm trying to win championships. Send him to Duke. He's a private school coach. Send him to Duke.

Kansas and North Carolina are the top two jobs in college basketball

I think that the top two jobs in college basketball are Kansas and North Carolina, and they're interchangeable to me. Kentucky is probably number three on that list for me. I think UCLA is the fourth best job in the country.

Indiana basketball is the fifth best job in the country

I think my fifth school would probably be Indiana. I think that in general, you just have kids that want to play there because of the prestige, tradition, whatever it is. And you have Indianapolis, which has a ton of basketball talent and the surrounding area in general.

Houston winning the Final Four would be the worst case scenario for entertainment

I think Houston winning is worst case, though, because if Houston's in the title game, then Gonzaga or UCLA will beat them, in my opinion. I'm terrified of that.

Indiana basketball fans are exactly like Nebraska football fans

Indiana fans, they're much like Nebraska football fans where they think the glory days are right around the corner from coming back, and that is torture. That is true torture.

I am officially retiring from giving pregame speeches

I gave them [Tony Scheffler's team] a pump up speech before state quarterfinals. And then they lost by like 40. I'm retiring from the pregame speech. We'll stop doing speeches.

10:00 PM tip-offs separate the real college basketball fans from the casuals

The late start times, I initially was like, you know what? This separates the casuals from the real fans like me, if you're willing to stay up until 10 for a tip-off. Two school nights in a row of 10 o'clock tip-offs. I think I've seen enough.

Gonzaga is so good that you shouldn't overthink their dominance

Gonzaga had the classic situation tonight where everyone is so sick of how good Gonzaga is that they all said to themselves, USC is the toughest opponent they'll ever meet... And I tweeted, obviously I lost the Michigan bet, but I said, don't overthink it. Gonzaga's that good.