Takes

Josh Allen is an elite quarterback

Very clearly. I'll say it. Josh Allen is an elite quarterback. Josh Allen is elite. He's elite and it's gonna be awesome watching him play against the Patriots this year because it's Spider-Man meme. It's like two very similar style quarterbacks.

The Patriots are terrifying because they can change their offensive identity every week

The scary thing about the Patriots is that they just change they morph every single week. Now the you know week one they ran week two they passed week 3 they ran again and I don't know when you have Cam Newton and you can just like all right this week. We're just gonna play bully ball. Oh next week. We're going to throw the ball. That's the scary thing.

Joe Judge is a college football coach and his style won't work in the NFL

Joe judge. You should have been a college coach and this is not going to work out like, you know, the type of guys who are just built for college football like close your eyes. Could PJ Fleck be coaching in the NFL probably not. He's great college football coach... This guy should be the coach fucking Western Michigan or you know Miami Ohio like and then he'll get a job at Illinois or you know Purdue and make a nice living, but this might be a little too big for Jojo.

The Eagles need to give Jalen Hurts a shot over Carson Wentz

Honestly, I would start looking to Jalen Hurts. I'm telling you don't think the guys in the locker room are not murmuring happening though. Somehow. I don't think they're not murmuring about. Amen. We may need to just give him a limited role and give him a shot because this is ridiculous.

Adam Gase is not built to be a head coach in New York

The head coach of a franchise in New York. He's not built like that man. Yeah, he's not built like that... I haven't seen anything from him that makes me think that the players [are with] him or that the players are playing for more that he's done anything to win that team over.

The NFL should require the highest-drafted quarterback to start behind Ryan Fitzpatrick for three games

They should make a rule that whoever drafts the highest quarterback has to start Fitzpatrick for at least three games at the start of the season. So like Trevor Lawrence when he goes to the Eagles, [Fitzpatrick] should have to start for them.

Intelligence is better defined by curiosity and problem-solving than by memorization

I submit to you that most challenges in this world are best served not by someone who memorized the encyclopedia but by someone who has a deep sense of curiosity and tools to empower that curiosity to figure stuff out.

Suggesting humans are the only life in the universe is inexcusably egocentric

To suggest that we're the only life in the universe would be inexcusably egocentric... Recognizing the likelihood of there being life in the universe is not the same thing as agreeing with UFO enthusiasts.

LSU's roster depth will prevent them from falling off a map despite losing starters

They do have some really good players coming back because they recruited well... You'll be able to see how deep their recruiting has been in the last few years because they're going to roll out a 2D defensive line that they feel very comfortable with. I mean they've got talent, it's not like they're going to fall off the map.

The Saints are being held back by Drew Brees

Do you think Saints fans realize it that it's over or do you think they're still holding onto? Oh, The Saints are good enough, which they do have a great roster, but they're being held back by their quarterback. And this isn't just this year. This has been the last like year and a half. It's much more evident right now though.

Zendaya's Emmy win was not a 'biggest upset' because fans were happy about it

She won the Emmy for best actress and the New York Post wrote an article and it said biggest upset in Emmys 2020 over Jennifer Aniston and more... Zendaya stands were all very upset because they're like no one's upset about this like this. No one's upset. Like this is a great thing.

The San Francisco 49ers are officially a cursed team this season

My hot seat is the San Francisco 49ers. They have injuries now... Jimmy G, George Kittle, Raheem Mostert, Tevin Coleman... their MRI truck broke down... Shanahan got fined... They are in Final Destination the snake bitten Team of the Year. They're not they're not hurt or injured. I think they're cursed.

Managing COVID-19 protocols is more important than roster talent for winning in 2020

I think more important than everything to win this year's is who handles COVID the best, who handles social distancing the best so that they can have the best players out there.

Coach O is the alpha in a room full of SEC West coaches

In coaching especially that you got national championship coaches... I would say Coach O probably would win in the end... he would probably bring his own 600 pounds of crawfish to the table too.

Kickers are struggling because NFL stadiums are too quiet without fans

No adversity. There's no dynamic. There's no, you know, you need a dynamic environment to excel... You should feel alive and not like you're a mouse in a laboratory.

The Bulls are back after hiring Billy Donovan

Your Chicago Bulls have just hired former Oklahoma City Thunder and Florida head coach Billy Donovan as their head coach... my darling Jake you have that Bulls are back.

Cam Newton is healthy and the Patriots offense looks very promising

Cam Newton looks good. He looks healthy... the Patriots were very promising. Yes, very, very good. I would watch these two teams [Patriots and Seahawks] play every single week.

Matthew Stafford is a future Hall of Famer based on his statistics

I'm the one who's on the hook as calling him as a hall-of-fame future hall-of-fame quarterback just based off his ridiculous stats. Yeah. No, he's absolutely going to be in the Hall of Fame.

Ryan Tannehill is officially a top-10 quarterback

Ryan Tannehill is just like a top-10 quarterback right now... 44 out of 60, 460 yards, six touchdowns, zero interceptions. He finally was like, 'Fuck it, you guys want to keep making fun of me for taking the next step? I'm going to take the next step.'

A safety should be worth five points instead of two

I actually think that a safety should be worth five points. Two points is not enough for a safety. It's hard to do. It's a change of momentum type play. They should—it should be five points and then you also get the ball.

Matt Rhule has 'dumb face'

Does Matt Rhule have dumb face? His glasses are too big. That's the thing. He has glasses of someone who's 60 pounds heavier than he is... I'm starting to think he's got dumb face.

Bronny James Jr. is better at smoking weed than I am

I would say I would say something like that. Yeah, smoking the nuggets pack. He's better at smoking weed than I am. Oh, he's what, 16 years old? He's great at smoking.

Always Sunny at its peak goes toe-to-toe with any show ever

I would say it's definitely top three funniest shows of the last 15 years always sunny at his Peak goes toe-to-toe with any show or greed ever.

Brad Stevens is not on the hot seat even if the Celtics get swept

If the Celtics lose game three is Brad Stevens coaching for his job? No. Mmm. I wasn't gonna say that Hank I'm being serious is Brad Stevens on the hot seat right now? No if they get swept? No, no, he's not on the hot snot on my season.

Aaron Rodgers performs better when he's playing with 'no-name' receivers

Aaron Rodgers is Aaron Rodgers the pettiest person in the world... I think he actually performs better with no name guys, because then it's like, oh look what Aaron Rodgers is doing again with these same like undrafted or like late round pick wide receivers. Isn't he? Just the greatest?

Tyrod Taylor is a 'rebound' quarterback who provides stability but never wins games

He is the epitome of an average Quarterback, but he's somehow worse than average Quarterback... He doesn't make the mistakes that bad quarterbacks make... He just won't do anything... Tyrod is the rebound quarterback. They take right after you get done with a crazy person that just fucked your brains out.

The 'Bigger Than Ben' documentary is better and more timely than HBO's Hard Knocks

Summer Ben Roethlisberger being able to update in faster time than Hard Knocks is really an indictment of HBO Sports. Yes, that place is really falling down hill, huh?

Paul George is a third piece at best on a championship team

I'm doing playoff P your you're not a second dude, you're you're a third piece. I you're a third piece at best.

Bam Adebayo's block on Jayson Tatum was better than LeBron James' chase-down blocks

Definitely better than the chase Downs by LeBron. Those are just brought. Those are just be LeBron being lazy and like waiting for his moment. This is actually an impressive block it really it's more the Celtics part 14 in the fourth quarter

The Chicago Bears must sign Allen Robinson immediately

Ryan pay stop being a fucking idiot and sign out Robins dude... Any New York team would love Alan Robinson the Jets. That would be such a Jets move... I just it's just such as so class. Like bears like doesn't even give you to 48 hours to enjoy win.

The Cowboys are destined to be the world's best 8-8 team every single year

I think that I'm numb to the Cowboys because they're just destined to be the world's best 8-8 team every single year... sometimes they'll make the playoffs going 8-8 and then they will be like, well, maybe this is the actual time they put it together, but I think that this is classic Cowboys.

Sam Darnold is not a franchise quarterback and Josh Allen is much better

Twitter kills Josh Allen and yet they think Sam Darnold is some prospect... how can you say Josh Allen is holding his team back and also be like Sam Darnold's going to be a franchise quarterback. Just you wait... I just don't see it with Sam Darnold.

Kyler Murray is the real deal

Next week will be a real test against the Cardinals and Kyler Murray who I'm now a full believer. I'm done. I'm officially on the Kyler Murray hype train.

This is the 'make or break' season for Derek Carr

This is it for Derek Carr. This is it. This is the best situation because you know how we oftentimes do it with quarterbacks... if you could have everything right? I feel like this is just about as right as you can get.

The Ravens are the second best team in the AFC

The Ravens are really, really fucking good. I'll say they're the best team not named the Chiefs in the AFC. That's very, very clear.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop the Chiefs when their offense is humming

The Chiefs newsflash are really, really, really fucking good. Like I don't I don't think the Texans are as bad as they looked at times. I think the Chiefs are just really, really fucking good. Super Bowl champs for a reason. There's nothing that you could do to stop the Chiefs when their offense is humming like that. There's just there's absolutely nothing you can do.

Skateboarding was the 90s version of modern Twitch streamers

Twitch streamers are like the 2020 version of skateboarders when I was coming up. Mostly people following your passion and doing something they're good at and finally getting an audience for it. I never imagined I'd be making money at it, and I applaud those guys.

If Ben Roethlisberger is just average, the Steelers will be really fucking good

I said it a million times last year how much I love that defense. So now if Ben is just average they're going to be really fucking good. Ben is gonna be so excited though. I hope he throws the football into the crowd or tries to hand it to a girl that's not there.

I'm rooting for Mitch Trubisky because 2020 needs a cool story

It's bullshit that anyone is sitting here and rooting against Mitch Trubisky. ... 2020 sucks, root for something crazy. Mitch Trubisky 2020. ... I'm ready and I have a little perspective for you from coach Matt Nagy... we're going to all support around him and give him every opportunity to have a very happy ending.

Workaholics will be 12 times funnier when we are all 50

We have always been very adamant in saying that Workaholics gets 12 times more funnier when we're all 50 and or like even older and still living together, and I'm just bald on the top of my head. It's just storylines for days.

I love Joe West because he thinks he is bigger than baseball

If you can't find the humor in Joe West stopping the game, telephoning up and kicking the GM from the suite out of the game, you got a fucking dump in your pants. ... I'm in favor of Joe West doing whatever the fuck he wants. In fact, I think Joe West has got a little soft in his old age. ... I would like to see more Joe West involved in these games.

James Harden stinks in Game 7s.

James Harden stinks in the game 7. All is right in the world... I think I can still throw out some James Harden [slander]... and he does look fat, he does look out of shape.

Kirk Cousins would win the Super Bowl if he played for the 49ers.

Kirk Cousins on the Niners would win the Super Bowl. Yeah. He's better than Garoppolo.

James Harden will never get in shape

Will James Harden ever get in shape? No. I mean he's late to the bubble. I want to saying because he was out of shape... he does that like he'll do it in a game. He'll drive really hard to the hoop. And then the next like three plays [be like] I'm not running up and down.

Jimmy Butler is a top 20 NBA player

Jimmy Butler, I think we're witnessing the emergence of a top-20 player in the NBA. I am fully onboard... I think now Jimmy Butler is a top 20 NBA player.

Alvin Kamara appearing on the trading block is the worst possible news for fantasy owners

Anyone who drafted early for fantasy and took Alvin Kamara. Yep. He is on the trading block now, which is I mean a lot of people probably took them in there with their first pick first round. That's like the worst thing you can see is the trading block.

Every generation of SNL fans thinks the current cast sucks compared to the original stars

I also remember think everybody saying we suck, right guys? You're not as good as the First cast and I was like, I know... but I said, I think we're okay. I think you know for our generation of kids growing up watching us, we're going to be their Chevy Chase and Bill Murray.

Deuce Bigalow did not ruin America

I wouldn't say America's fucked because of that. I wouldn't describe it that way.

Maybe everything isn't going to work out -- let go of these unrealistic dreams

Maybe everything isn't gonna work out. That's where you want to be, man. You gotta let go at that point, man. You don't hold onto these unrealistic dreams.

Jon Rahm's win shows that golf is officially having a massive moment in America

Golf is having a moment. I think it has happened... What America needs right now more than anything is something like we need a miracle.