Takes

Outer Banks is essentially 'The OC' meets 'National Treasure'

What the fuck is Outer Banks, man, Hank? I started watching it. It's like how is this show? It's the OC meets National Treasure. How is this show popular?

The camera angles for Washington Huskies football and basketball games are the weirdest in sports

The camera angles, both for football and basketball, are the weirdest camera angles ever. The basketball camera angle when you're watching a Washington Huskies game is insane. I don't understand how – I'm a degenerate gambler, so these are the weird things that I notice.

People love reality television because it allows them to feel superior to the 'shitty people' on screen

That's why we love reality television, because we get to watch it and say, oh, well, at least we're not them. At least we're not drunk fighting in the Hamptons every summer. Or at least we don't own these tigers and kill our husband. We judge ourselves like we could be shitty people, but we're not that.

The Cowboys don't view Dak Prescott as a top-tier franchise quarterback

The fact that it's taken this long speaks to exactly how the Cowboys feel about Dak Prescott. They like him. They want him. But he's not [Mahomes]. He's not Russell Wilson.

Andy Dalton is 80% of Dak Prescott

Is Andy Dalton 80% of Dak Prescott? ... Andy Dalton is the type of guy that with talent around him in the right situation which the cowboys have a ton of offensive talent... Why not? They'd have a good running game. You have CeeDee Lamb and Amari Cooper. Andy Dalton is a fine player for that situation.

Lamar Jackson is better at playing Taysom Hill's positions than Taysom Hill

I would go out on a limb and say that I think Lamar Jackson might be better at playing most of the same positions that Taysom Hill plays.

I'm surprised there has never been a Call of Duty branded movie

I'm surprised there's never been a Call of Duty movie, to be perfectly honest. ... I know [there are war movies], but there's not like a Call of Duty branded [one].

The least realistic thing about Entourage is the four guys being together so often

Whenever anybody asked me about the realistic stuff of the show, the thing I always said was the least realistic thing is that four guys would be together this often.

Joe Flacco has a gentle hand placement compared to Ryan Fitzpatrick

Joe [Flacco] probably because he never actually really got really that far in there. He was almost like a low backhand placement. So I'd say he's probably the most gentle. ... every time [Fitzpatrick] would get under center, he'd give a little bit harder of a tap.

Dude Perfect is college life if you never drank or talked to girls

If you ever think like, what would it have been like if we didn't drink? Just watch this Dude Perfect. Like if we just never had a sip of alcohol and didn't talk to girls, what would my college life have been like? Dude Perfect documentary.

Dak Prescott is a 'cool hat guy' who can pull off a cowboy hat

I actually think Dak Prescott is cool hat guy. I think he could run like even a cowboy hat like he something that's not a normal hat. I think you look good.

Mick Foley is one of the five toughest people in WWE history

[Mick Foley] is definitely top five. That's for sure. Some of the bumps he's taken is this like proof they're off the chart.

The Undertaker and Kane storyline is the greatest in WWE history

I think the the storyline of you and Kane and Paul Bearer is the greatest story line that that has ever been written in the WWE... [Taker responds] it just it just grew and grew... it was so many layers to it.

Blockbuster not buying Netflix for $50 million is the worst business decision ever

This is an easy one blockbuster not buying Netflix 450 million dollars. Blockbusters like know people like coming into our physical retail locations for the smell... easy number one for me.

Vince Carter's dunk over Frederic Weis is the most vicious in basketball history

Fredrik Weiss not getting out of the way of Vince Carter worst business is very is he's ever made? Yep. Yep. It was vicious nut dragging dunk in history of basketball.

The Chicago Bulls organization is on Michael Jordan's shit list, and that's why they've been doomed ever since

I think the reason why the Bulls have been doomed ever since is because the Bulls are actually on Michael Jordan's list now, too. If you watch that last moment when he has the iPad available, like finding out why Reinsdorf said they should break up the team. I think he is now, I think the Bulls are the top. It goes Bulls and then Isaiah Thomas on MJ's shit list. And anyone who ends up on MJ's shit list, as we learned through this 10-part documentary, is screwed forever.

Reggie Miller's 'throw away the game plan' quote is what losers say in Game 7s

I knew that there was a difference between Reggie Miller and Michael Jordan was in this documentary when Reggie Miller said, when you get to Game 7, you just throw away your game plan entirely because it's all about who wants it more in a Game 7. It's like that's exactly what somebody who loses a Game 7 says. Like, yeah, the whole like they wanted it more and you don't have a game plan. Michael Jordan wanted you to think that they didn't have a game plan. Michael Jordan absolutely had a game plan in that Game 7.

Complaining is the most authentic part of sports fandom, and appreciation is for when they're gone

When sports come back. I'm going to revert right back to my sports fandom instantly. I will complain about everything instantly. That's what sports fans do. That's when you know it's back, when we can complain. So don't give me this like, hey, man, just appreciate that it's back. No, no, no, no. I'm going to complain. That's what sports fans do.

I'm wearing shorts exclusively until Labor Day and will not wear pants again this summer

I packed up all my shit this weekend. I put all my sweatpants on the highest shelf where I can't reach them... I'm done with pants for the summertime. I think from this point on, from now until Labor Day, I'm going shorts only.

You cannot eat soup while wearing shorts; it's a fundamental rule

It's either short season or it's soup season. I thought about ordering soup yesterday, and I was like, it's a little too hot out. I'm wearing shorts. There's no overlap there. You can't eat soup while wearing shorts. You just can't. It doesn't go together. You can eat a popsicle.

I already talked about the push-off — let's talk about a woman or the Keystone pipeline

No, I done said all of that already. Let's talk about something else. What are you going to talk about? A woman or the Keystone pipeline. What do y'all think about that?

What's the shades on inside for? I can't say what that makes me think

What's the shades on inside for? It make me think, you know what it make me think. I can't say what it make me think.

The US Postal Service should not deliver mail on Sundays; let the workers be with their families

why in the hell do the U.S. Postal Service deliver on Sunday anyway. Last time I checked, they broke as hell. So if anybody out there wants to know, I'm sending this to the U.S. Post Service. Please, our dear government, let the workers spend time with their family on Sunday... The U.S. Postal Service should not be delivered on Sunday anyway.

Weight training helped my shooting touch because it made the game easier

I got serious about weight training, probably my second year at Tech... You're looking around, and weight training wasn't huge then. You know, it's a myth out there about weight training. Don't lift, you're going to throw your shot out. What I would always do was lift before practice. So when you go out there and shoot, you get your touchback. And believe it or not, when you had me, when I added weight training, my shot and everything was easier for me because I was strong.

The NBA would have been forced to change the rules if Shaq or Charles Barkley had taken weight lifting seriously

Can you imagine if Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal would have took weight training serious? With Shaquille, they would have changed the rules. He was already – you know, you're talking about country strong? Him. But Charles Barkley, for what he could do, can you imagine if he would have took weight training serious? I don't ever – I could be wrong. I don't think Charles left a weight in his life.

Comparing the physicality of the modern NBA to the 90s is absolute nonsense

Stop the nonsense. Don't compare what's happening now to back then. What are you talking about? ... analytics right now. That's all they talk about. Analytics. Sprinkle some analytics in there. But all this, hold on. You know, my hat not getting hot. I'm just I almost got a migraine just then thinking about players resting.

If an NBA player needs to rest for 'load management', they should do it at home, not on the road

let's make a rule right now... if you're going to rest, rest at home in front of your season ticket holder... The emphasis have to be or should be back on the fans and less of the athlete because we're going to do what we do.

Competitive fire is like that old pimple on your ass that you can't get

You know that old pimple on your ass that you can't get but it's just right under the surface? That's our fuse bird. We're just right there.

Chris Webber, Derek Coleman, and Charles Barkley were all more talented than me, but I outworked them

I'm going to tell you three guys that have more talent than Karl Malone. Chris Webber, Derek Coleman, Charles Barkley. More talent. More talent. But they did not outwork me. I will never use the word he was better than me. More talented is different, right? I look and say, I can't do his position and he can't do mine... More talent? Yes. Worked harder? No.

You got a fetish with The Last Dance?

What, you got a fetish with the last dance?

I'm a blue-blooded American — I don't have to do a documentary if I don't want to

Because I'm a blue-blooded American, and I say I don't want to do it, David, I don't have to do it.

Nobody is lining up to learn about Karl Malone — go watch Tiger King or some shit

I don't think there's nobody lining up out there wanting to know about Carl Malone, so why boring with that? Let's watch the Tiger King or some shit like that.

We should fix the ozone layer by spraying ozone from a giant aerosol can in space like Flex Seal

just put ozone in an aerosol can and spray it up into the sky. I'm pretty sure I solved that. And no one's done it. Like, why not? ... We'll put someone up in a fucking spaceship with a huge aerosol can, and they just spray it on, like Flex Seal for the ozone.

My ping pong victory over PFT Commenter is like the Bulls finally beating the Pistons

It's like MJ [Michael Jordan] versus the Pistons, except in this situation, no one got to saw the Pistons beat the Bulls.

The NFL will never allow hot mics on players because coaches are too paranoid

Do you think the NFL is going to let players have a hot mic? It's not the XFL. Do you think Bill Belichick's going to let his team have a hot mic? The NFL is full of coaches that are the most paranoid people in the world. Do you think they're going to be willingly allowing all of their schemes and everything to be just said out loud? No way!

The NBA should permanently move its season start to Christmas Day

I've been saying that for 15 years. Rather than taking on football, with our first early games, let's let them get close to playoffs and just go wholeheartedly starting Christmas Day.

Business is the ultimate competition and much harder than professional sports

In basketball, you compete for 48 minutes. You practice a couple hours. You guys know in business, it's 24 by 7 by 365, and everybody's trying to kick your ass. Everybody's trying to come after you, and you got to battle all the time. Sports are easy, easy. Business is the ultimate competition.

Weights are physically heavier in 'shitty' gyms with no air conditioning

He trained in the shittiest gyms. And I think that those weights are, in fact, heavier in shitty gyms. If you go to a place that's 100 degrees inside, that's got cobwebs and dust and shit everywhere, you're going to get a better pump than if you go to a Gold's Gym in Manhattan Beach.

Billionaire MLB owners should pay for their own rosters instead of asking for player concessions

Billionaires should pay for their own fucking rosters. It's also crazy because... there's no salary cap in baseball. So now you're saying there's going to be a salary cap for one year? ... I'm not going to be someone who being like, players, you have to take less just because the guys are saying that they're, the people in charge are saying they're losing money, even though they won't tell you how they're losing money.

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions. ... If you're a millionaire, you should still be going to Waffle House on a regular basis. It is the best night food. It's the best breakfast food.

It is healthy for men to have rivals or grudges to drive them every day

I honestly don't – I think this guy is actually the most well-adjusted adult I've ever heard. ... But having a grudge and having a foe that you wake up in the morning, you're like, Fuck that guy. It's healthy. ... Having something to drive you every single day is healthy.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

My cool throne is lacrosse, sport of the future. Yep. Paul Rabel figured out betting, so they're doing an event in the summer. People are going to be able to bet on it.

Sammy Watkins is in a cult

My cool throne is Sammy Watkins being in a cult. ... As we've been speculating, we've been squatting on the take that Sammy Watkins is in the cult for like the last three years on the show. Sammy really... talked about all the weird stuff. ... So now he's happy that he's in a cult.

Darren Rovell is dangerously wrong for claiming NFL players get CTE with near certainty

Darren Rovell is here. All players will sign. (Parentheses. They already get CTE with near certainty). ... How about the simple fact that we can't diagnose CTE in living people yet? So to say anything with near certainty would be completely wrong and dangerous.

Clever comedians will always find a way to thrive despite PC or 'woke' culture

Whenever a new stricture comes along, there's always someone that can then come along and find a cool way around it that actually advances things. ... Now it's the PC woke people trying to tamper everything down. People find clever ways around it. There's always the push and then the push through. ... Our job is to find the clever way around it. The clever way around it is to not throw a temper tantrum.

The Star Wars and Simpsons fanbases are the hardest to please

Is the Star Wars fan base the hardest fan base to please? [Big Cat]. It's up there. I think it's up there with the Simpsons fan base. ... I think the corporate culture of some of these other fandoms is, I am owed everything. ... It's the worst episode ever, and I feel like they owe me an apology.

Episode 7 of The Last Dance was the strongest episode of the entire documentary

I thought Episode 7 was the strongest episode of the entire documentary. It was so, so well done.

Established media columnists in the 90s were no better than modern-day Twitter eggs

It's wild to think that in the mid nineties media, all these people who were given columns were no better than just like some Twitter egg that wanted to like put this shit out there and they got away with it and they still have jobs to this day.

Michael Jordan's personality is the only thing that allowed him to be exceptionally great

You don't say that him being a jerk made him great, but you're saying that his greatness, like, yeah, he probably would not have been looked at in the way that we look at him right now if he didn't have that personality.

The lawsuit against Zion Williamson for allegedly receiving money to attend Duke is cloud chasing

Zion Williamson's former marketing agent has served request for admission in their lawsuit, asking him to admit that he received money... She's cloud chasing, yeah.