PMT DB
PMT DB
Patton Oswalt on Comedy, Waffle House Brawls, and Dungeons & Dragons
We are officially in 'Geek Week' and the human mind is coping with the lack of sports in the most mysterious ways possible. Big Cat and PFT opened the show by monitoring the progress of the MLB and NBA returns, but the real focus was on the billionaire owners in baseball who are suddenly crying poor while refusing to open their books to the players.
Big CatBillionaire MLB owners should pay for their own rosters instead of asking for player concessions
Billionaires should pay for their own fucking rosters. It's also crazy because... there's no salary cap in baseball. So now you're saying there's going to be a salary cap for one year? ... I'm not going to be someone who being like, players, you have to take less just because the guys are saying that they're, the people in charge are saying they're losing money, even though they won't tell you how they're losing money.
While the owners try to spin a 50-50 revenue split, Big Cat is actually coming around on the idea of an 82-game season. It turns the MLB season into a high-stakes sprint where a single cold week can ruin your playoff hopes.
Big CatAn 82-game MLB season would be a 'sprint' that generates massive TV ratings
I actually think the TV – people will watch it a lot more on TV not only because it's captive audience but an 82-game that's a sprint. If you have a five game losing streak in the 82-game you're sunk. It just means more. Yeah, I like the 82-game season.
The Waffle House Chronicles
The guys read one of the greatest stories in the history of the internet: a graduate student who cannot stop getting into fistfights with the same cook at Waffle House. The conflict started over runny eggs and escalated into 'Toad in the Hole' projectiles and weekly wrestling matches. PFT and Big Cat both sided with the boyfriend, noting that having a mortal enemy is actually a sign of a well-adjusted adult.
PFT CommenterWaffle House is one of America's finest institutions
Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions. ... If you're a millionaire, you should still be going to Waffle House on a regular basis. It is the best night food. It's the best breakfast food.
Big CatIt is healthy for men to have rivals or grudges to drive them every day
I honestly don't – I think this guy is actually the most well-adjusted adult I've ever heard. ... But having a grudge and having a foe that you wake up in the morning, you're like, Fuck that guy. It's healthy. ... Having something to drive you every single day is healthy.
Hot Seat/Cool Throne
Hank put himself on the Hot Seat, or rather his dignity, by guaranteeing a 4-0 sweep over PFT in their upcoming game. If he fails, the shirt is coming off.
HankI will sweep PFT 4-0 in our Thursday game
4 o'clock on Thursday. You can see, probably going to be a 4-0 sweep, so make sure you sweep it early because it's going to be over early. ... 4-1 or better. [Or] I'll do a show with no shirt on.
Meanwhile, PFT took a victory lap on the news that Sammy Watkins is effectively confirming every 'Sammy is in a cult' take the show has had for the last three years. Whether it's the rings of Saturn or solar energy, PFT is just happy Sammy is finding himself.
PFT CommenterSammy Watkins is in a cult
My cool throne is Sammy Watkins being in a cult. ... As we've been speculating, we've been squatting on the take that Sammy Watkins is in the cult for like the last three years on the show. Sammy really... talked about all the weird stuff. ... So now he's happy that he's in a cult.
PFT CommenterIt doesn't matter what 'fucked up' beliefs Sammy Watkins has as long as he's happy and not hurting anyone
It doesn't matter what kind of fucked up beliefs you have as long as you're happy and you're not actively hurting somebody else. So Sammy Watkins could believe whatever the hell he wants. Be you, dude. Just make sure that your fantasy owners are happy on Sundays.
Big Cat saved his most aggressive heat for Darren Rovell. After Rovell tweeted that NFL players get CTE with 'near certainty,' Big Cat and Billy Football went off on the 'soulless' nature of the tweet and the scientific inaccuracy of diagnosing the living.
Big CatDarren Rovell is dangerously wrong for claiming NFL players get CTE with near certainty
Darren Rovell is here. All players will sign. (Parentheses. They already get CTE with near certainty). ... How about the simple fact that we can't diagnose CTE in living people yet? So to say anything with near certainty would be completely wrong and dangerous.
Patton Oswalt
Patton Oswalt joined the show to discuss his new special *I Love Everything* and his incredible career as the guy who is seemingly in every funny show ever made. He gave a masterclass on the evolution of comedy, explaining why he doesn't fear 'woke' culture because the best comedians always find a way to subvert whatever rules are put in place.
Patton OswaltClever comedians will always find a way to thrive despite PC or 'woke' culture
Whenever a new stricture comes along, there's always someone that can then come along and find a cool way around it that actually advances things. ... Now it's the PC woke people trying to tamper everything down. People find clever ways around it. There's always the push and then the push through. ... Our job is to find the clever way around it. The clever way around it is to not throw a temper tantrum.
They also discussed the unique 'corporate culture' of different fanbases. Patton explained why Star Wars fans can be so miserable compared to the wholesome MST3K community, and he even broke down why he hates his own viral 'failure pile' creation at KFC.
Patton OswaltThe Star Wars and Simpsons fanbases are the hardest to please because their 'corporate culture' is built on the idea that they are owed everything
Is the Star Wars fan base the hardest fan base to please? It's up there. I think it's up there with the Simpsons fan base. ... The corporate culture of some of these other fandoms is, 'I am owed everything.' It's the line from The Simpsons when the comic book guy is like, 'it's the worst episode ever, and I feel like they owe me an apology.' They've given you years of entertainment for free, and it just goes, 'worst episode ever.' You just want to be angry.
Patton OswaltThe KFC Famous Bowl is a 'failure pile' that represents how you eat when you are suicidal
I keep seeing people say the phrase 'failure pile in the sadness bowl.' It's how I described the Kentucky Fried Chicken Famous Bowl where they just Kentucky Fried Chicken gave up and go, 'let's just put our menu in a bowl and covered it in cheese and gravy.' They created an entree that is how you eat when you're suicidal. And America said, 'yes, finally, that's what I want.'
Dungeons & Dragons: Part 1
To close the show, the legendary Dungeon Master Tim Woods returned to lead the crew—and new addition Billy Football—through the start of a massive new campaign. The party consists of Norm the Barbarian (Big Cat), Wayne the Dwarven Bard (PFT), Ehrlich the Gnome Warlock (Hank), and Berserker Billy the Goliath Cleric (Billy).
Things went off the rails immediately when the party reached the village of Greenest. After Big Cat insisted on interrogating children because they 'can't lie,' the party found a barn full of Kobolds. PFT tried to force the monsters to fight each other for the right to be his pet, Big Cat slaughtered two of them for food, and Billy smashed a third. They eventually spared one, named him Bob Costas, and learned that a dragon is currently laying siege to the town.
Next time, we see if Bob Costas the Kobold leads them into a trap or to glory.
