Takes

Bill Simmons genuinely wants to stop the union at The Ringer

There's a part of me that thinks that what Dave was doing part edge stick today is exactly what Bill Simmons wants to do for real. Bill Simmons lucked into this day because holy shit.

I think Antonio Brown has had an actual mental break

I actually think Antonio Brown is – I think there's something wrong with him. I think that he's, like, going crazy. He's had, like – an actual mental break that doesn't mean that like we can't joke around about the whole helmet saga because that is fucking hilarious but I actually think that there's something wrong with the guy.

The Raiders lost their mystique by refusing to let Antonio Brown wear his old helmet and just paying the fine

In a backwards way, all Raiders mystique has been lost because... if the Raiders were to just give Antonio Brown his old helmet and just pretend that it's not happening, they would possibly get an infraction, a penalty, a fine, whatever it may be. But they won't do that. And guess what? Man card Raiders, the old Raiders, they would just let him wear like a fucked up helmet and be like, guess what? We just want our guy out.

The fact that pace of play is only an issue in baseball and golf proves they are the most boring sports

The fact that pace of play is only baseball and golf, like the two most boring sports to watch, tells you a lot about what – like that right there, you should be like, you know what? Let's go speed golf. Because if we're talking about pace of play, it probably means people are taking naps during our games.

You shouldn't be allowed to take three and a half minutes for a putt and then miss it

I'm pretty sure that you're not allowed to take three and a half minutes to line up a putt from eight feet and then miss the putt. If you make the putt, I think people overlook it. But if you miss that putt, then we're going to have an issue.

Regional Little League World Series games are more exciting than the actual World Series in Williamsport

I don't know if this is a hot take or not, but the regional part of it before the actual Little League World Series is almost more exciting because... the America versus America, like Kentucky, Iowa versus Minnesota, those games are electric.

Tim Tebow should retire from all sports

Tim Tebow is out for the year and he should probably just retire from all sports... It's over. PFT, it's over. I've firmly been in the Tim Tebow is not a baseball player. This is all a gimmick in a carnival act. And he should probably just stick to doing TV.

The Derek Carr media hype machine is funny because we know he isn't a superstar

The Derek Carr media hype machine that's trying to get behind a guy who we really know who he is, and that's not a terrible quarterback, but he's not a superstar quarterback, is very, very funny to me. Because they're basically trying to wheel themselves into Derek Carr as our starter.

Spontaneity and the feeling that anything can happen at any time is lost in today's wrestling product

When you used to watch, you know, back in the Attitude Era... it was a sense of urgency. You felt like anything could happen at any one time. And to me, it's just maybe, I'm not picking on today's product, but I'm just saying the spontaneity is lost. Like that feeling that anything could happen is lost.

If I could go back to WrestleMania 17, I would have hit Vince McMahon with a stunner and maintained my babyface run

If I could call the Audible now, I would have just told him, hey, man, I ain't feeling it... if I could go back, I just said, hey, man, I'm calling an audible, watch the stunner. And then stunned [Vince's] ass and would have maintained my baby face run.

Auburn should have just called the new logo a logo change to sell more merchandise to SEC fans

What they should do is just lean into it and then get all new sales from the new logo. Because if I know something about SEC football, if you slightly tweak the logo, everyone will buy new stuff. They'll buy new stuff before they pay their mortgage, before they get food on the table for their kids. They've got to have the freshest new Auburn logo for the fall.

Combining Paxton Lynch and Geno Smith would only equal a quarter of Russell Wilson's talent

If you combined Paxton Lynch and Geno Smith's powers, they would be like one quarter of Russell Wilson.

The sound of creasing paper is the worst sound in the world

This is a personal one, but the sound of folding paper, like a crease in folding paper... it's the worst sound in the world.

The Monday Night Football outro is one of the worst sounds in sports

Thank you for watching this presentation of the National Football League on a Monday night. That sucks... you just came off a whole Sunday of football, and then that hits, and you're like, well, no more football for another fucking three days.

Peter King should have his driver's license revoked

It's time to start asking, should Peter King have a license? He should have his license revoked. I agree with that. He is a menace. He's a threat.

Derek Carr is extremely awkward on Hard Knocks

Hard Knocks is back. Derek Carr is awkward as fuck... It's very clear that the message the Raiders are trying to send is Derek Carr is our quarterback, and we're going to give him a lot of air time, and we're going to show how tough he is, including bullying his two young kids to fight in the living room while they're playing basketball. That felt scripted.

Antonio Brown used his kids on Hard Knocks to rehabilitate his public image

Antonio Brown, I forgot about this part. Starting the entire Hard Knocks episode, basically trying to erase the fact that he went crazy for three months and every teammate of his in Pittsburgh hated him by showing us how cute his kids are. They're very cute. And you know what? It worked. It absolutely worked.

Rich Paul is a great disruptor for challenging the NCAA establishment

The NCAA has created a new rule... any agent that wants to talk to a player... has to have a bachelor's degree. Rich Paul does not... As much as it pains me to say this, I love it. Because I love people who make the establishment super nervous. The NCAA has been just milking everyone forever. Having a disruptor in there... is great for everyone because NCAA will have to change if Rich Paul keeps disrupting.

Kobe Bryant being ranked 13th for the 2010s decade is fair

There was the all-decades list for the 2010s and Kobe was 13 on it, which I honestly think is like fair... If you're looking at the whole decade, his body of work over the 2010s is not like [first team].

The NFL 100 logo is terrible and looks like it belongs to an expansion league

My hot seat is the NFL 100 logo. I'm already sick of it... It's not that cool of a logo to begin with, but they've put it everywhere so far this year... It looks a little bit like an Expansion League football logo... like the AAF logo if it was designed by somebody with a head wound.

Melted cheese is the ultimate cheese hack for any food

Any type of cheese, if you melt it on top of something, makes it instantly better. I will go with melted. Just melted.

Nacho cheese is better the more unrealistic and neon it looks

I'm going to go with nacho cheese... I love it the more unrealistic the cheese is. Like the more yellow, the like neon yellow color you get with stadium nachos. Love that shit... like the radioactive goo.

The Ticonderoga Number 2 is the standard for coaching pencils

We're definitely a Ticonderoga number two. That's our standard right now. Never deviate from that... It's really just a good writing utensil.

MLB's black and white jerseys are heinous but a genius marketing move

Way to stay relevant baseball. It's Players Weekend, and they have the new jerseys... This year... Straight black and white. I actually think this is a genius move by baseball. They're heinous, the jerseys. But genius move to get everyone to talk about them.

NBA players only hit every shot in New York City because the rims are too big

I don't know what it is about that court where every NBA player goes and plays in New York City. I think those rims might be too big because everyone hits every shot. Very soft rims.

Tony Gonzalez had the worst possible timing for a tight end because Rob Gronkowski came right after him

Tony Gonzalez... He has the ultimate unfortunate timing for a tight end because he was the greatest tight end of all time. And then [Gronk] came along and the tight end position is completely changed where tight ends are basically wide receivers now... doesn't it feel like if we, you know, in 2011, it was a no-brainer Tony Gonzalez's best tight end of all time to have someone come in right at the tail end of his career and be better than him? That's got to suck.

I would rather have a Super Bowl ring than be in the Hall of Fame

Watching the Hall of Fame induction made me, for a brief moment, think that Chris Carter, when he said he'd rather be in the Hall of Fame than have a Super Bowl ring, might have been on to something, and then as soon as the season starts, I'm like, nah, Super Bowl.

The Area 51 meme is the reason people are now bum rushing music festival gates

I blame the organizer of the Area 51 thing for just convincing people everywhere to get a big group and run through a fence. Some of these kids were jumping fences [at Lollapalooza], and I was just shocked by their athleticism.

Carmelo Anthony was cut by the Rockets because he simply wasn't good at basketball anymore

I think the money he was being paid to play basketball [was why he was cut]. To be shitty at basketball. Yeah... it's not a basketball reason if you can't play basketball anymore.

Restaurants should replace gumball machines with 'Tumball' machines filled with Tums

An idea that's just, instead of a gumball machine, just out in restaurants, have it just be filled with Tums... I would take one every single time, even if I didn't have heartburn, just like knowing you might get it later... Call it a Tumball machine.

Michigan's season is defined by the outcome of the Ohio State game

The last game for us defines the season... There's also 11 important games in front of that that dictate and define whether you win the Big Ten championship and whether you go to the playoffs, and then the last game defines the entire season.

Players who sit out bowl games are damaging their legacy and their status as a competitor

I think it hurts their actual—their legacy too. Just what they're about. You know, a competitor is going to compete... Everybody talks about it. They're a competitor... But then they actually don't go play in a football game. You know, that's, to me, that's a problem. You have a problem now with who you are as a competitor and your legacy.

The Yankees are only trying to win softball games by not acquiring pitching

I love that the Yankees just are saying, fuck it. We're going to try to win softball games for the fourth year in a row. And didn't do anything. Didn't get a pitcher.

The Brooklyn Nets officially own Brooklyn over the Knicks

[Big Cat]: Do the Nets own New York? [Joe Harris]: I wouldn't go that far. [Big Cat]: Do you guys own Brooklyn? [Joe Harris]: We definitely own Brooklyn. Hopefully. I don't want to impose on the old Brooklyn Dodgers fans.

Tony Bennett is the best coach in college basketball

He's the best coach in the ACC? Oh, yes. He's the best coach in college basketball. Better than Coach K? Yeah.

You must have an NBA championship ring to receive a retirement farewell tour

I think the farewell tour, you need to have a ring. I think you need to have a ring to get a farewell tour. I think that's the threshold.

The day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday

Day after the Super Bowl, national holiday. Done.

LeBron James' dunking in layup lines is hurting his son's team by risking technical fouls

We just kind of thought it was a little awkward that he was dunking in a layup line and that technically is a technical foul if we want to go by the letter of the rules so he's hurting his son's team by assessing a technical foul before the game even starts.

The Cowboys don't need a rushing champion like Ezekiel Elliott to win a Super Bowl

Jerry Jones said, you don't have to have a rushing champion to win a Super Bowl. Everyone on the internet dunked on Jerry Jones... but I'm here to defend Jerry Jones. He's right. You do not need a rushing champion to win a Super Bowl in today's NFL.

The Cowboys should not pay Ezekiel Elliott an insane amount of money

I think they should hold firm because as it stands right now, Ezekiel Elliott has one year left on his deal... If you basically pay him so much money that other parts of your team can't be paid and the line can't be paid both defensive and offensive, then you're just hurting yourself in the future.

Having Ryan Fitzpatrick as your quarterback is a bad strategy if you are trying to tank

If you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback... Ryan Fitzpatrick is always good for a few wins out of nowhere. So if you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback. But Brian Flores is going for it.

The goat is the number one farm animal

I'm going to go with the goat... a lot of reasons. I'm thinking logically how much they eat, the reproduction, the price per pound coming from the farm. But the first domesticated animal on earth. And it is the goat. 1, 1. It's quite obvious.

Bees are the most important farm animals because they sustain the ecosystem

I'm going with bees. They're actually the most important animal that you can have. And when they're dying at an alarming rate, then all the other plants and animals in the ecosystem, they face a rapid decline in population once the bees are gone.

Participating in Dancing with the Stars is harder than being in a wrestling ring

The hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Harder than wrestling? Yes. No. Yep... they were trying to like retrain my muscles, which my muscles were like, no... I started to have nightmares about those three [clicks before the music].

Brooks Koepka is the greatest golfer of all time this year

[Brooks Koepka] is the greatest golfer of all time this year. So I don't understand how it works, but I just know that this one triggered all the other finishes, and now he won it all.

I would pay Ezekiel Elliott before Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper

I get it with Ezekiel Elliott. This is the take I'm willing to squat on. I would pay Ezekiel Elliott first. I would pay him before Dak. I'd pay him before Amari.

LeBron James should have received a technical foul for dunking in his son's AAU layup line

LeBron got in the layup line... Literally in the layup line. It was like throwing down dunks. He should have got a technical foul. They scored. He ran on the court, was celebrating with the team. You're not allowed to dunk in the layup line. That is a technical foul.

LeBron James was taking time and attention away from the kids by dunking in the layup line

Seemed pretty dangerous. Seemed like he was taking time away from the kids. Seemed like the rim probably, the next dunk that goes down, the backboard's going to come down.

Barefoot people on planes are the most annoying travel people

The barefoot person on the plane. The person who puts their feet up and there are just toes everywhere. It's just gross. I don't care how clean your feet are. When I look at a foot, I assume it's dirty and I imagine the smell even if it doesn't stink.

People who bring hot, smelly food onto planes are assholes

Hot food on the plane guy who brings it in with him. Dude, if you're bringing like a whole Chinese food and then popping it open right when we sit down, you're an asshole. and it smells everywhere, that's the worst.