Takes

Trevor Bauer is a 'dumb smart person' whose antics are good for baseball

Trevor Bauer... he's a dumb, smart person. ... I think that he might be exactly what baseball needs. We always talk about baseball. We don't have a face of the game. Lean into marketing this dumbass. ... Baseball hasn't really had an asshole for a long time.

There is no difference between being a hardcore football fan and someone who treats mouse figurines like family

There's zero difference between what we do and these people pretending that their mouse figurines are part of their family. ... We're paying so much attention to football and watching Hard Knocks and breaking down all 22 for no reason on Twitter, they would probably be like, these guys are a bunch of weirdos.

Kawhi Leonard and Steve Ballmer are a match made in heaven

The Kawhi Leonard robot mixed with Steve Ballmer's over-the-top insane, insane energy is a match made in heaven.

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

The UFC should get rid of Greg Hardy

[Greg Hardy] fucking sucks. Bro, I don't know why they give him a... It would be nice to just have him get his ass kicked, right? Cave the skull in. Why does Dana give him a chance? Get him out of there.

ESPN is ruining the UFC's broadcasting model

Fuck ESPN for what they're doing to the UFC. That's a dumb, stupid fucking model. Makes no sense where the fuck you put the fights. I can't buy it or you can't buy it and it's on Sling, but then you go to Sling and it played three hours earlier.

House train a dog by feeding it roast beef while it pees

Get like roast beef or some kind of really good meat from the deli and just give your dog a little piece every time they go to the bathroom outside while they're going to the bathroom. That's how I got [Stella] house trained. She would literally be peeing, eating roast beef out of my hand.

Matthew Stafford is an elite sucky quarterback who cannot win a Super Bowl

There's the really good sucky quarterback. [Matthew] Stafford is a perfect... he is an elite sucky quarterback. But you're like, if you had to ask yourself, could Matt Stafford win a Super Bowl? Answers probably no. He's right on the edge of suck. That's why he's an elite sucky quarterback. Because it's like, if you put him in the right spot, everything could go perfectly.

Matthew Stafford is a Hall of Famer

Matt Stafford, by the way, still a Hall of Famer.

No list should ever last 100 places

100 is way too many for anything. There should be no list that lasts 100 places.

Roger Goodell should suspend Tom Brady for cliff diving with his daughter

It would be the ultimate troll move by Roger Goodell to suspend Tom Brady for one game after Tyreek Hill gets zero and just be like, hey, there's videotape... wouldn't be right, but it would be fucking funny.

Kirk Cousins is the most average quarterback of all time

Kirk Cousins, probably the most average quarterback that these two eyes have ever seen. He will beat every team that is less than 8-8, and he will lose to every team that is better than 8-8... you never expect him to do anything great, and guess what? He never does.

David Ross would be a great manager because modern baseball is about clubhouse management over X's and O's

I think the way that the manager position in baseball has moved to now, it's less about the X's and O's... It's a lot more about keeping a clubhouse together... and I think David Ross would be great at that aspect.

Adnan Syed probably killed Hae Min Lee

The point of that podcast [Serial] is to just inundate you with both sides of everything... The show would not be interesting if it was just very clear that he was railroaded... I think he probably did it. Yeah. All things being equal.

In The Sopranos finale, David Chase whacked the audience

I believe that David Chase actually whacked us. He whacked the audience because we're watching him and we go to black. We can't see any more of the story. So I think that we get killed.

Breaking Bad had the greatest TV show ending of all time

Breaking Bad would be like the best. I don't think it can get any better than that... Everything felt clear. His kids still get the money. Jesse gets away. He's the moral conscious. Hank does die, which I think at that point, he doesn't want to die. He needed to die.

Novak Djokovic is the Tennis GOAT

Djokovic is the GOAT. [Adnan: No, you're brutal.] How much does it suck to root for a guy [Federer] who keeps losing to Djokovic?

Watching Monday Night Raw for a Stone Cold appearance is better than watching The Bachelorette

It's so lame that people watch that show [The Bachelorette]. Be a real man and watch three hours of Monday Night Raw just so that Stone Cold [Steve Austin] can come out for the last five seconds... I did that last night.

J.B. Holmes ruined the Open Championship with his slow play

Fuck J.B. Holmes. Fuck him. Brooks Koepka would have won. He ruined the Open Championship. Ruined it.

I don't think Tiger Woods' body can be competitive in every tournament anymore

I just don't know if his body can [compete]. He looked every bit his age and maybe even older on Thursday when he teed off and he did the wince because of his back. And he also did the old guy move... when it rains, he says, my knees hurt.

Joe Flacco has cool hair

We've been inundated with so many pictures of Joe Flacco and his cool hair. Reporters out in Denver can't believe that he actually has decent hair.

There is nothing cooler than being a regular at a place where everyone knows your name

Honestly, there's nothing cooler than being a regular at a bar. You show up and everyone's like, hey, here he comes.

Dana White should put Greg Hardy in a ring with Francis Ngannou or Stipe Miocic

I don't understand why Dana White... There are so many guys that can kick [Greg Hardy's] ass, and he keeps fighting tomato kids. Have Francis Ngannou just beat the fuck out of him. Stipe Miocic, he'd kick his ass.

Michael Jordan's competitive drive is the athlete trait I wish I had most

I'll start with Michael Jordan's competitive drive. That will be my number one.

Winning Blake of the Year is like winning a low Division II championship

True story... I was on a flight when the Blake of the Year came out, and when I landed in Atlanta, you would have thought I had just literally won like a low Division II championship.

NBA parity is in a great place because there is no clear favorite this year

I actually think it's great for basketball. I mean, the parity in basketball now is... I don't think you can really go into the season this year being like this team is going to win and the odds are stacked. It's going to be like good for basketball.

Golden State would have won the championship if they were healthy

I think Golden State would have won this year [2019] if they were healthy. Like no question.

It's very lame when NBA players get upset about their 2K ratings

Very [lame], yeah. Because it has no control over how you actually are as a player.

Michael Scott would definitely have voted for Trump

Michael Scott definitely did. Just because he likes a party. He probably went to the rallies. He definitely would be a guy that would start like just a pro Trump Twitter account and then he'd get famous based off that.

Sergio Garcia will never win another major championship

Sergio Garcia from España... he's never going to put it together in major championships, so it looks like [Koepka] is in the catbird seat.

Junior Mints are S-tier because of their scarcity

The one thing I like about Junior Mints, I don't think you can get it everywhere... you go into even a liquor store, you can get a Snickers bar... it's just too easy to get. I like the fact you got to work a little for your Junior Mints.

I don't agree with homosexuality — I don't make the rules, I just follow the Bible

I don't agree with homosexuality. So that's, you know, that's living as a Christian. I don't make the rules. I just try to follow the rules that God said, according to the Bible.

I've had homosexuals at my house and we're cool

I've had homosexuals at my house that are friends and we're cool. So it's not a matter of me not being able to get along with anybody and be friendly with people.

The best way to oppose gay marriage is to simply not get gay married

So you've kind of adopted the mindset, like, you're not for gay marriage, and so you're going to show that by not getting gay married. But people around you, if they get married to somebody, like, then that's fine, in your opinion?

The Clippers are currently a better team than the Lakers

I think the Clippers are the better team right now... one, their pieces fit together... all the role players know their roles... when we look at the Lakers, we see questions all over... Frank Vogel, when we know if LeBron had his druthers, Ty Lue would be the coach.

Licorice is the best jelly bean to give to someone you hate

What are the best flavors of jelly beans to give to someone you hate? Oh, definitely licorice. Yep. You can have them all.

Laptops should be abolished

If you could change any one thing in today's world back to how it was when you were in your 20s, what would it be? I would go without laptops. Get rid of laptops. I can't figure out a laptop. I barely can figure out a phone.

Mitch Trubisky being the 20th best quarterback in Madden with a 75 rating is fair

Trubisky was ranked the 20th best quarterback with a rating of 75. That's okay.

Sam Cassell would be the perfect athlete to storm Area 51 because the aliens would think he's one of them

My second one, I guess I'll go with Sam Cassell. Just because, you know, maybe if there is any type of, like, maybe these guys are like us, they'll see Sam Cassell and be like, all right, that's an ally.

Edwin Encarnacion hasn't earned his Yankees pinstripes yet because the team lost the game where he hit two home runs

Newly acquired Yankees, Edwin Encarnacion... He had two home runs and the MLB tweeted out that the parrot has earned his pinstripes. But they lost the game, and then home runs meant nothing. You can't earn your pinstripes until you stop getting paid from your former employer.

Meryl Streep is the all-time GOAT of passive-aggressive comments

Meryl Streep is coming in... Meryl Streep is wrecking people. She's so – her little passive-aggressive comments. She is the all-time goat when it comes to passive-aggressive comments.

Fans building cup snakes at Wrigley Field are actually doing a favor to the recycling staff

We're talking about cup snakes where people are actually recycling. They're doing a favor to the Wrigley Field staff. They're collecting all the cups for them so they don't have to go around and get them after the game.

Cleveland fans felt personally rejected by LeBron James when he left for Miami

Number one need in all people is acceptance. Number one fear is rejection. [LeBron] rejected the cities. I'm out of here. So they all felt rejected. We're not good enough. You're leaving us. So that hurt. So they really had a love-hate relationship with him.

I would choose to cut off my pinky toe rather than go bald

The little toe doesn't do anything. I'm going to teach you a lesson, Dr. Phil. You ready for this? I would cut off my little toe rather than be bald. 100%. Not even a question.

I am a personal servant to my dog Stella

I actually am a servant to Stella because every day I wake up and I give her food at the exact same time. And she goes back in bed and hangs out all day. And then I come home and I give her food again.

Novak Djokovic is the tennis GOAT

I'm a Djokovic guy. I became a Djokovic guy on Sunday morning. ... Djokovic is the GOAT. He's got 16 Grand Slam titles, and he's six years younger than Federer. ... He's going to have the all-time Grand Slams when it's all said and done.

The Russell Westbrook-Chris Paul trade was a win-win

The Chris Paul-Russell Westbrook trade, I actually think both teams won. Not won a championship, but I think both teams got something. Like, the Rockets finally have good chemistry again and the Thunder... I actually think they won't be – they'll make the playoffs.

Both the Rockets and Thunder lost the Russell Westbrook-Chris Paul trade

I think both teams lost. I'm not prepared to crown a victor until – this is one of those trades where we really do have to wait for like five years to figure out.

Grayson Allen's reputation for dirty play is back

Grayson Allen's back committing flagrant fouls at a rate unprecedented to players not named Grayson Allen. ... It's great to see a player fall back into the old stereotype that you had on him.

Coaches should never have anyone else call for a job for them

I was always brought up to that if I wanted a job, I would never have anyone else call for me. I would always call myself. ... If any other coach would have recommended Sean [McVay], I think he would have had a chance.