Takes

LeBron James won't be a 'real' Laker until he wins a championship

[LeBron's] got to win the chip, and then he'll be loved. Like all the Lakers that win it, I love. ... Magic got his own lane. Kareem got his own lane. You can't bump them off of what they've done. So LeBron, a championship would get him the love and respect from Laker fans.

Bill Belichick is the type of coach who would cut off his dick one year too early rather than one year too late.

Belichick's the kind of guy who would cut off his dick one year too early instead of one year too late. That's why he's won all those titles. [Mike] Vrabel is chasing a ghost.

Meryl Streep is a 'bad bitch' who deserves respect.

Meryl Streep, such a bad bitch, I'm starting to respect her.

Jay Williams claiming Duke could beat the Cavs was his 'arrival moment' in the hot take industry.

The saying, 'Duke can beat the Cavs,' is like Jay Williams' arrival moment. He's just letting everyone know, hey, I'm here now to just spew some bullshit out here. I'm for real.

Zion Williamson is one bad weekend in Vegas away from becoming 'real chonk'.

I've said he's [Zion] one bad weekend in Vegas away from real chonk.

Zion Williamson is the rare Duke player that everyone will root for.

Zion is like the rare dude from Duke that everyone is going to root for.

Zion Williamson would actually play worse if he lost weight.

I think [Zion Williamson] would actually get worse if he lost weight. There's something about his body. He's got power that he can just jump into. It doesn't look as much like an offensive foul if a fat guy runs into you as opposed to like a big jacked up dude.

Winning 'Blake of the Year' makes a career's worth of naysayers and haters worth it.

I'd like to thank my family for believing me this whole time. Obviously, there's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of naysayers, a lot of haters, but somehow we made it here. I'm at a loss for words. ... At the end of the day, it's worth it.

Vlad Guerrero Jr. should be in every single Home Run Derby for the rest of time

I want Vlad Guerrero in every single home run derby for the rest of time. He is electric... if you watch Vlad Guerrero take any of his practice swings like a week ago, you knew that he was going to be a show. You knew he was going to be awesome to watch.

The only thing that ruins baseball is when the game ends in a tie

The only thing that ruins baseball is when the game ends in a tie. Right. And we're not doing that anymore.

Mic'ing up baseball players might actually save baseball

We were watching and they had someone at bat who was mic'd up. I think it was Freddie Freeman. And I have to admit, I think it might save baseball. With all that said, it could definitely save baseball.

Challenges and replay in sports are bad because they prevent fans from complaining about being screwed

I'm firmly in the stance that everyone who wants more replay and more challenges, what you're going to do is you're going to get a world where we can't complain about anything. And watching sports is half of it is winning. And the other half is saying why your team didn't lose. They got screwed.

I love Cameron Payne playing in the NBA Summer League after four years in the NBA

My hot seat is the summer league... except Cameron Payne, who is in the summer league, and he's just finished his fourth year in the NBA. He is competing in the summer league. I fucking love this... I hope he plays past when he retires from the NBA and he keeps showing up for the summer league.

The Clippers are a better team than the Lakers heading into the 2019 season

Well, I think the Clippers are better, and I wanted them to get like a knockdown shooter to go along with those two guys... when they struck out on Kawhi, it's just they got a bunch of kind of filler pieces. I mean, I guess they're a little deeper maybe than the Clippers, but I don't know.

The Lakers are Anthony Davis' team, not LeBron James'

I mean, it's Anthony Davis' team. LeBron... you know, I wasn't a huge fan of the whole LeBron thing in the first place, and he was all right last year... I'd rather have Kawhi than LeBron, obviously.

The Bachelorette having four fantasy suite dates instead of three is a smart life hack

Hannah couldn't decide who to give the final rose to... so she gave them both a rose, which means Hannah will have four fantasy suite dates instead of three... She just hacked the bachelorette by having more sex. She was like i realized that i could get more laid than other bachelorettes

If you have a stubborn fart, you should get on all fours like a dog to release it

You know when you've got to really fart bad and you can't and you get on all fours? That's a good position... Someday my son's going to come out and be like, well, dad, why are you on the floor? I got to fart. Son, this is how we fart.

The NBA has the best offseason in sports

The NBA by far and away has the best offseason in terms of the free agency period and players moving around and teams completely changing the course of their next four to five years in a matter of moments.

LeBron James no longer controls the NBA like he used to

The immediate reaction that I had was LeBron James does not control this league like he used to.

Wimbledon is a top-tier sport to take a nap through

Mount Rushmore of sports to take a nap through. I've been napping a lot through Wimbledon because it's the green. It's early to quiet. It's just a little bit of grunts here and there. But other than that, it's a nice little ease into a nap Wimbledon.

Peter King is a hypocrite for criticizing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

It is unbelievable to watch where Peter King draws the line. Putting a serial rapist into the Hall of Fame. Okay. Darren Sharper. Eating too many hot dogs on 4th of July? Nuh-uh. Don't do it. Covering a sport for 30, 40 years... where guys are dying from brain injuries... Okay. Watching Joey Chestnut eat 71 hot dogs on July 4th? Uh-uh. That's Peter King's line.

The 'ass-eating' bet with Christian Yelich is a lifetime commitment

I think it only should count for the one time. Like, you can't do the home run derby every year. I think it should be a home run derby. The next one you do, when you have to enter it and play in it, and that will be the bet.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

Tim Howard is the greatest male U.S. soccer player of all time

I would say the greatest, the greatest male U.S. soccer player. Landon Donovan, Kobe Jones, Alexi Lalas, [Dempsey], [Dempsey], Freddie Adu. That's it. That's the list.

Kicking a soccer ball is incredibly easy compared to kicking a football

I think kicking a soccer ball is incredibly easy compared to kicking a football... It's a different skill set kicking a football from a soccer ball. It's terribly different.

I would have been a better cast member than a writer at Saturday Night Live

I really was probably better off as a cast member. I wasn't a writer when I got on the show. I think because I actually auditioned for cast... I came in with no writing experience, but I were amazing with your ideas.

The Steelers locker room culture fell apart because Le'Veon Bell left

The locker room wasn't the locker room until Le'Veon left. Like, Le'Veon is the mediator of everything. He's somebody you want to have in that locker room.

Smooth by Santana and Rob Thomas is the ultimate #1 summer song

Smooth. Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas. 20 years ago. It feels like it came out yesterday. It does. The way that they play it on every sporting event.

Blue Sky by The Allman Brothers is the best summer car song

Allman Brothers, Blue Sky. When that song hits, when you're in the car, oof, nothing better, nothing better.

Theon Greyjoy had the best redemption and performance in the Battle of Winterfell

My best performance is Theon. Dude, Theon fought his ass off... Bran did say, you're a good man. Bran was basically like, alright, Theon, you're done.

The ending of Game of Thrones was as cheesy as the Seinfeld finale

The whole thing was cheesy as fuck, and then they're sitting around, like, the ending of, like, Seinfeld sitting in the jail. Where they're all sitting around the table at King's Landing, like, ha-ha, whoa, we gotta get more wheat for the winter... it turned into them playing SimCity around a table at the end.

Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant are the two NBA personalities least likely to get along long-term

Having Kyrie and KD together, those are the two personalities I think are least likely to get along. It's going to be great.

Jimmy Butler's move to Miami is perfect because he just wants to be himself and doesn't care about competing for titles

J-Butt in Miami, which I think it's kind of solid. It's almost the perfect J-Butt move... He just wants to be J-Butt and... be with Mark Wahlberg... But now he's on a team that's not really going to compete, but he's going to have a good time.

Kemba Walker is a better player than Kyrie Irving

Hank, the Celtics definitely won by getting Kemba... [Hank:] Yes. [Big Cat:] OK. [PFT:] No, I agree with Hank on this take. I think that he's a better fit up there.

Wilt Chamberlain is the greatest basketball player of all time

I think Wilt Chamberlain is the best player. Wilt Chamberlain has 68 of the 72 NBA records... He got 23,000 rebounds.

Kobe Bryant was a more skilled offensive player than Michael Jordan

When I say Kobe is better than Michael Jordan, I'm talking about as far as skilled in the overall game... Kobe can do everything Michael Jordan can do, but he learned how to do it better offensively.

Clothing companies should manufacture pants with built-in iPhone chargers in the pockets

I have a really good drunk idea... It's shorts that have an iPhone charger built into the pocket... You plug your pants into the wall... It's a Mophie that you can wear.

Jimmy Butler going to the Rockets would be healthy because he would blow everything up immediately

Jimmy Butler gets in, and he just blows everything up. I think that's way more entertaining and, frankly, more healthy [than the Rockets' current passive-aggressive state].

Daryl Morey is playing with house money and the Jimmy Butler pursuit is his ultimate move

It's almost like he's playing with house money at this point, and Jimmy Butler, J-Butt, is the ultimate house money move.

LeBron James giving Anthony Davis his number 23 jersey means it is now Davis' team

I think that means that this is Anthony Davis' team though. I think it does. If we're talking Batman and Robin, the Batman definitely wears number 23.

Step Brothers is a movie that holds up perfectly between commercial breaks on TV

Step Brothers is so rewatchable. You know what's crazy? When I first saw Step Brothers I didn't think it was that good but now if you see it on TV every scene every like in between commercial breaks holds up on its own and you have to watch the whole thing.

Wrestling heels must stay in character at the arena to maintain credibility with fans

My thing is when you're a bad guy, a heel, you, of course, obviously just the character you play, but when you're on site at the arena, you have to play the character. You have to because if you don't, if you're nice to everybody and then an hour later when you're in the ring and trying to get people to boo you, people are like, oh, I'm not going to boo you.

Dwayne Haskins finally gives Redskins fans something to be excited about

We did draft Haskins, which it gets me excited as a fan. I mean, if we were going into this offseason and camp and preseason without Haskins, look at the rest of the quarterbacks on the team. I mean, I can't get excited about that.

NASCAR crew chiefs must bend or break the rules to be successful

If you take a car that's legal from front to back, completely legal through the rule book, you're not going to run very well. You're not going to do well. And the crew chiefs, the crew chief that I want, the team that I want, are the ones that are willing to gamble and be aggressive with the rules, bend the rules, maybe break a few rules, because I know that that's what I'm competing against.

Adam Silver's public 'discussion' of fan ideas is just a brilliant PR move to appease Reddit

Adam Silver is a genius because he just basically goes on NBA Reddit, reads the most upvoted idea for how to fix the NBA, and then says, we're going to discuss it in this offseason, and maybe we'll make some changes.

The NBA holding their awards show in late June is a stupid move

I don't want a fucking award show on a random Monday in June. Mentally, we do as fans [care about the postseason results]. I'm thinking, of course James Harden didn't win it because the Rockets flamed out again. It's so stupid that they do it this way. They should just do it right before the playoffs.

Kyrie Irving is clearly the common denominator for the locker room dysfunction at his various stops

There was this tweet that was the quotes from Kyrie Irving's basically last four or five years where essentially he said that he hated all his teammates and all his coaches at every stop. Like, hey, man, eventually you are the asshole, right?

The Warriors training staff is sketchy and prioritizes the team over player health

My hot seat is the Warriors training staff. Since the Durant injury, there's been rumors about how Durant was ripshit over the Warriors training staff for kind of lying to him and telling him that the injury wasn't as bad... And Iguodala went on The Breakfast Club today, and he basically revealed himself that he had a fractured leg in the 2018 playoffs, but that was kept under wraps and downplayed.

Cam Newton needs to offer $50,000 for a first-class seat upgrade, not $1,500

Cam Newton offering $1,500 cash to someone sitting in first class on a flight to France. No one ever would do that deal. You have to offer twenty thousand dollars, thirty thousand dollars. Cam Newton is going to make $140 million currently. He has to offer $50,000.

Cursive is an overrated and useless skill

Cursive is overrated. All of our eight-year-old listeners, cursive is [fucking]... You'll never need it again.