Takes

Duke is dirty but Mike Krzyzewski is too powerful to be caught

Duke, so here's my fear with Duke. Duke is dirty as hell... Krzyzewski is such a godfather and has this figured out so well. Like, I think it's impossible to get to him. And I'm sort of worried it's impossible they'll ever get to Cal, too.

Kentucky fans will eventually miss hating Rick Pitino

I think Kentucky fans are going to miss Rick Pitino. Hating Rick Pitino was awesome. He was the perfect villain. And I actually think I'm going to miss him.

Kirk Cousins respects the media biz to get them on his side against Dan Snyder

All-time biz respecter move by Kirk here. He's basically got flashcards for the reporters... He is doing it, I would expect, to get the media on his side. So he's like, all right, if I get the media on my side, then I'll basically be able to strong arm Dan Snyder.

LA is a bad football city because they don't know who Boltman is

Seriously, this is a perfect example of how L.A. is just, you can't have a football team in L.A. How do you not know Boltman? He's fucking Boltman. Like, it's pretty clear that it's Boltman. And you can't ask Boltman to take off his helmet.

Bruce Arians is on the hot seat because he is losing his mind and making terrible challenges

Bruce Arians is officially actually on the hot seat because I don't think he has all his marbles... That challenge though, everyone was saying how bad it was, but it we correctly identified it as the football guy who gets so frustrated he just challenges a random play he knows he's gonna lose.

Khloe Kardashian lied about being pregnant just because she was jealous of Kylie's announcement

Khloe is super, super old and has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. I think she was so mad that Kylie announced she got pregnant, she just said she went too.

Twitter's 280-character limit will ruin threads and make the app unbearable

Twitter has announced that the app that everyone loves and can't make any money has announced they're going to make everyone read more. So 280 characters... I might not be able to be on Twitter anymore. That's so much reading. They just doubled their product. And they just ruined threads.

Warren Moon is the best quarterback I ever played with and it's not even close

Warren Moon. It's not even close. Really? Warren Moon. We played two seasons together. I had 244 catches and 24 touchdowns in only two years.

Randy Moss is the most talented wide receiver that has ever played the game

I knew he was probably the most talented wide receiver that's ever played the game. Because he was that rare. But all the other things in his football brain is what knew that, man, this kid is really, really special.

The NFL product suffers in September because the CBA limits padded practices

When they changed the collective bargain agreement... the player's like, okay, we want to practice less. All right, we'll grant you that. It's affected the product, all right? Because you can't have the few number of padded practices and train people how to play in the NFL. It's not going to work, so the product will suffer the first month of the season.

Joe Flacco is not elite overall but has elite moments that elevate his team

Elite? Right on the border... In the pressure moments, can a guy rise up and elevate his team to the elite level? ... Joe Flacco not elite anymore but was once elite. No, no, no. Has elite moments. And raise his team to an elite level. Get it right.

Colin Kaepernick doesn't have the personality to effectively verbalize his cause

I just don't think he has the personality. I think that it's very, very rare that you see someone take such a prominent position on something that's really profound and not really necessarily have the personality that would allow them to be able to verbalize it... when you can't communicate with the general public of what your cause is and your reasoning, it's not going to endear people to what you're trying to say.

Colin Kaepernick is a starting-level upgrade for 4 to 5 NFL teams right now

How many teams in the league right now do you think he would be an upgrade for at the starting quarterback position? Well, you can go through them. At least four or five. I mean, you don't have to leave New York. I mean, Josh McCown. I mean, my goodness.

Every professional athlete needs a 'common sense guy' in their crew to keep them out of trouble

Out of your crew, have one guy that's got some common sense... you need a tech guy. You need a driver. One guy to do the troll accounts. Social media.

Joe Flacco is officially no longer elite and stinks

I think Flacco stinks. Are we now worried that Joe Flacco's eliteness is so far behind us that we will never remember that he was once elite?

Ben Roethlisberger has the worst body in America

Big Ben, as the crow flies, has probably the worst body in general of anyone in America. Name me anybody with a shittier body.

Blake Bortles is officially back

So my who's back of the week is Blake Bortles of the Blake Bortles Wikipedia Club. Huge game. Four touchdowns. He's back.

Iowa and Wisconsin football programs only exist to have their hearts ripped out

Iowa and Wisconsin are both very similar in college but they just live to get crushed. It's like there's just moments in between getting your heart ripped out. So there's no real, like, excitement otherwise.

The Giants failed by buying 'shiny toys' and ignoring their offensive line

The disappointment has got to be the Giants... It's when you go out and you get yourself nice, shiny toys, but you don't really make sure your carburetor's working... They went out and they got Ingram and Marshall, but they didn't do anything to upgrade their offensive line.

Sean McVay has the same rare 'command of the room' as an early Mike Tomlin

Sean McVay has that as well. He is like, he has a rare ability to command the room, get a player's face, but not have the player look at him like, man, who are you? ... It's a kind of a rare thing, kind of like an early Mike Tomlin.

Thursday Night Football is where real football gets played

I'm saying suck it because we have long said Thursday night football is where real football gets played. Yeah, it might be. You might get the Bengals and the Texans scoring no touchdowns. But you also might get a Brian Hoyer and Jared Goff shootout.

Sean McVay is an elite coach who has turned Jared Goff into a monster

Sean McVay... I'll tell you what, that guy can fucking coach. Because he had play calls that were like, every now and then he'd sprinkle one play in and be like, whoa, that was really nicely designed. And what he's done with Jared Goff... Sean McVay has molded him into a monster.

The NBA is better than any other league at staying relevant through drama during the off-season

The best thing about the NBA is they have done a great job of never having it end. So as soon as the NBA season ends, then you have the draft... free agency starts... summer league... then Kyrie demands a trade... it's a soap opera. It is the best.

Mainstream sports media is struggling because players now have their own platforms to control the narrative

That right there is why people and athletes kind of don't have the best relationship with the media. And it's why people start their own podcast or people do things on Uninterrupted or if people want to go on their own Instagram or Facebook Live. And I think that's why mainstream media, especially in sports, is struggling a little bit.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT, followed by LeBron, Kareem, Tim Duncan, and Magic Johnson

I'll go MJ 1. I'll go LeBron 2—still counting, though... Then at three, I would go Kareem. Four, I would go probably Tim. Then five, I would go Magic. Magic and Kobe are really, really close.

Magic Johnson is the face of the Lakers and the best Laker of all time over Kobe Bryant

I would still say Magic is the face of the Lakers. I think from a personality standpoint and just generationally, like Kobe was amazing what he was able to do... but I would still say Magic is the face of the Lakers.

Playmakers is the greatest television show of any generation

It was basically ballers before ballers, but it was like rated R ballers. And it was like every stereotype about the NFL just on steroids... We're watching Playmakers from start to finish. Fuck ballers. That's JV shit. We're watching Playmakers from start to finish.

Kevin Durant is an internet troll and a disturbed individual

[Kevin Durant] is an internet troll, but I think more important than that, he is a disturbed individual. And this most recent spur of activity that he's been doing from getting caught responding to himself to his apologies that he's been issuing... I've swung 360 degrees.

Ben McAdoo is officially not a football guy

I am officially, here's me, a rare thing done on Pardon My Take... I'm here to apologize. Ben McAdoo is not a football guy. Firmly not. The punch the kangaroo in the face stunt, that's when I knew he was not a football guy. That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

LeBron James is the hardest working player I have ever been around

LeBron is the hardest working guy that I've ever been around. And I've played with Dirk, Tim Duncan, Steph Curry, Jason Kidd... the amount of time that he takes on his body... i'm just saying when I look at how hard the guy works, then I think a lot of that has to do with why he has avoided injuries.

LeBron James is the best player of our generation

LeBron to me is the best player of our generation. LeBron is the best player that I've ever played against so over my 17 years in this league. But it's weird because he is the best player I've ever played with. I played with Tim Duncan, I played with Jason Kidd... I've seen Tim do some absurd shit. Jay Kidd I got to see every day... but LeBron is the best.

Steph Curry's comments about the Cavs' locker room smelling like champagne were disrespectful

That's why Steph made those comments about, 'oh, I hope their locker room still smells like champagne.' He said that after they won the first championship and they beat Cleveland in game six. And it was kind of a shot. It's a little disrespectful to say that. I love Steph, I don't know if he meant it to be really disrespectful, but yeah, you say that, it's like, 'hey, it was a good win.'

NBA players are unfairly criticized for moving teams compared to teams trading players

Kairi [Kyrie], what Boston did to Isaiah [Thomas], you know, it's just a part of our job... and yes it personally connected and it hurts at times. But when players decide to leave in free agency, it's 'let's burn a jersey.' No, this guy we gave you... when KD decided to go and do what he wanted to do with Golden State... we aren't allowed to do it without being criticized. But team can trade the players. They can play chess with us as much as they want.

Jason Garrett is only the Cowboys coach because he never says no to Jerry Jones

I'm pretty sure that Jason Garrett is only in place because he doesn't say no to Jerry Jones. So Jerry Jones is actually calling all these plays. And Jason Garrett, he pets them after every game. He's like, 'Jimmy used to always talk back to me.'

Eli Manning has proven that luck exists in life

Eli Manning is so funny. His streak of consecutive games... it's just because he just goes down. He literally goes down every time that someone's even close to him, and that's why he gets to play every game... Eli has proven that luck exists in life. Some people are very, very lucky, and some people aren't. And he's a Manning.

College football is more exciting than the NFL, but it isn't 'better than' the NFL

Saying something is better than is not exactly correct in this case because, yes, college football is more exciting, but it's not better than. I mean, the guys aren't playing defense half the time. People are wide open. The windows are wide open.

Matthew McConaughey was meant to be a Californian who happened to be born in Texas

The danger in bringing Matthew McConaughey to Los Angeles is at any given time you might lose him. He might just defect... his natural state is like a caliber [Californian]... He was meant to be caliber. He was just he happened to be born on like a lot of land.

Fullbacks are officially back in a big way in the NFL

Fullbacks are back in a big way... I think it might be confirmation bias, but I've been noticing fullbacks more and more. Specifically, Derek Coleman, the fullback for the Falcons.

The Bears should start Mitch Trubisky now because the season is already lost

At some point, you just kind of say, screw it. You know, this season is lost, so let's just treat it like an extended preseason for next season.

Tom Brady says he'll play until 45 to avoid a public farewell tour

I think he never wants his last year to be known as his last year. I don't think he ever wants to have a Derek Jeter farewell tour... by keeping that stake as far out into the future as possible, he'll never be in a season that anyone would say this is his last year.

Sam Bradford is the first player who isn't 'injured', he is just always hurt

He's [Bradford] not injured. He he's just, injured all the time. He's just always hurt. Yeah, so then you come home after a day of darting and you're like, I'm not drunk. I'm fine... That's what Sam Bradford's knee is. It's the new normal.

Andrew Luck is the NFL's version of Derrick Rose

Andrew Luck, by the way, is now... He's, like, almost, he's not Derrick Rose, but, like, there's that semblance of, like, he could just have a random surgery at any moment without an injury happening

Hewlett-Packard is a 'vile' company

The post office, I think the post office, unfortunately, you're just fighting. The stupidity of it is incredible ... Hewlett-Packard, on the other hand, is a vile company.

MeUndies needs to add an 'escape hatch' for older men to avoid the 'drip factor'

I have raised a legitimate question here. How can you not have an escape hatch for the undies? ... At my age, there was what we call a drip factor. ... You can't get Mr. Johnson out without pulling him down.

Tom Coughlin might actually be dead and operating on reflex muscles

I think Tom Coughlin has been dead for years, actually. ... After you die, your body—your muscles keep twitching. ... He's just been walking around berating players for not being on time to practice.

Men should not show their knees in an office setting

I actually stand with that rule because I've long said that shorts are gross. Men should not show their knees. That's fucked up. That's unbecoming.

I'm preemptively sad about Philip Rivers retiring

I'm going to preemptively get sad when Phil Rivers retires. He's becoming more and more Phil Rivers, if that's possible. It's like every stereotype, every caricature of Phil Rivers, like when you close your eyes, you think of Phil Rivers stomping, yelling at refs, giving weird faces, spiking the ball... his eyes bugging out on the sidelines.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year. So your [PFT's] trade analysis now on the hot seat. Oh, last year, I mean, he had pretty damn good stats with the worst offensive line basically ever. Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Ted Cruz only watches porn on Twitter to avoid his wife seeing his browser history

I just love the fact that Ted Cruz doesn't know that private browsing is a thing, so he watches his porn on Twitter to not get caught by his wife. That is the most quintessential Ted Cruz thing. He only watches porn that he can find on Twitter so that no one knows he's watching porn, and now everyone knows he watches porn.