Takes

Matt Ryan is the new Joe Flacco and is entering 'clutch gene' territory

Matt Ryan is going to be the new Joe Flacco. Right now, the story on Matt Ryan is he doesn't have the clutch gene. If he wins this game, he might have the clutch gene. He's getting into the clutch gene territory.

The Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history

Is there any doubt that the Pittsburgh Steelers are the most beloved dynasty in American sports history? I don't think Belichick and Brady... they're not going to stack up with the Pittsburgh Steelers in terms of the affection that our football nation has for the black and gold.

I would rather have two more years of Tom Brady than five years of Jimmy Garoppolo and two first-round picks

[I'd take] Brady. I think we're going to have both, but Brady in that situation. [Even over Garoppolo for five years and two first round picks].

Skip Bayless is correct that Aaron Rodgers is lucky and Dak Prescott outplayed him

I still can't believe Mason Crosby barely made those sorry-looking field goals and saved Aaron Rodgers from Dak Prescott. Skip is my lord and savior right now with the Aaron Rodgers hate. The way he spun that, Dak Prescott outplayed Aaron Rodgers.

Bill Belichick intentionally messes up social media app names to mess with the media

This is the second time that Belichick has intentionally messed up two apps. I think that Belichick knows a lot more about social media than he's letting on... Belichick pretends to not know what Facebook is... he's just absolutely fucking with the media and just putting on this show like, oh, I don't know what any of this is. And meanwhile, he goes out behind the curtain. He's got five cell phones and he immediately checks all his players' accounts.

Aaron Rodgers is trying to 'cuck' Brett Favre's legacy

Uncoachable. He's now trying to cuck Brett Favre's legacy like a kid just running around back there. Brett Favre was the ultimate draw something up in the dirt. It's like the last thing that Brett Favre has. He was an old school gunslinger. Just go out there and I'll hit you. And now Aaron Rodgers is taking that from him.

LeBron James pretends he doesn't care about the Warriors, but he cares deeply

LeBron said, no, we're not rivals. He basically just said, I don't want to talk about that. I don't care about the Warriors. They can do their thing. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure LeBron made them put up a big poster right outside their locker room when they went to Cleveland earlier in the year, like the block and all that stuff. So classic LeBron. He's just pretending like he doesn't care, even though he cares deeply.

Los Angeles is not ready to support two NFL teams

I don't think L.A. is ready for two football teams. They're still trying to get their feet on their own with the Rams, even though they didn't play well this last year... they don't show up until halftime.

Tom Brady gamed his combine/strength tests or the Patriots are lying about his scores improving with age

The damnest thing is happening with Brady. In each of the past three years, he improved his test scores in every category... [Hmm]. I used to do that when I did CrossFit... how you did one round, you had to beat it the next round. So you would just do really, really bad the first one. And then just kind of coast the rest. So maybe that's what Brady's doing.

The contestants on The Bachelor who cried over the Backstreet Boys were faking it

I'm calling bullshit on this. If there's some girls, maybe some girls, like, 1994, 1995 born, they were, like, five years old when Backstreet Boys were big... I feel like that was a try-hard move to start crying for that because they probably don't remember them, right?

Tony Romo would have won the Divisional game for the Cowboys against the Packers

Tony Romo probably would have won that game in Dallas. Dak [Prescott] took a little too long to get going. Dak is better than Tony, but he's exactly better enough that the Cowboys would have scored later on in the game to tie it up. So Dak scored too soon. He was too efficient. Romo would have tied it, sent it to overtime.

I am done with Brock Osweiler forever

I am seriously, though. I'm done with Brock Osweiler. I'm done with him forever. He's ruined football games for me, multiple football games for me this year. Stop trying to make Brock Osweiler happen.

Aaron Rodgers and the Packers have underachieved over the last six years

What we've seen the last eight games out of Aaron Rodgers makes me wonder, why in the hell haven't we seen that the last six years? Why are they continuously wanting out in the playoffs? Why do they continue to underachieve? Aaron Rodgers is one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the sport of football. How does he not already have more than one Super Bowl win?

San Diego didn't deserve to have a football team because the weather is too nice there

Fuck you, San Diego. You're a great city, and you didn't deserve to have a football team because it's so nice outside during the fall and the winter time. You know what? You can find a million other things to do.

The Chargers moving to LA is like a friend crashing on your couch for a couple years

The chargers didn't even tell the rams they just told twitter... 'whoops hey guys in the rams, we're gonna crash on your couch for a couple years is that okay? ... maybe we'd go halvesies on your apartment ... let us use your stadium. I'll buy you an In-N-Out burger on Friday night.'

Hiring Sean McVay is the NFL equivalent of a 45-year-old divorcé finding an 18-year-old with fake boobs

It's basically if you're married and you're like 45 years old and you get divorced, the next thing you do is you find an 18-year-old with like fake boobs, no job, that sort of thing... you'd go for the opposite [of Jeff Fisher].

Andy Reid is the greatest coach of all time as long as he has a bye week to rest

Andy Reid off a bye is the greatest coach of all time. It's a classic fat guy behavior. You just need to rest a little. Just give me a minute to catch my breath, a week to catch my breath. And I'll mentally be ready.

I would not be buying any stocks right now and would put money into real estate instead

I wouldn't be buying any stock right now. [Put money in] Real estate. Hookers? ... That's a dead end road, dude. I'm over a million in those places. There's no return on anything.

Jim Irsay forgets he owns the Colts and is just doing Twitter giveaways all day

I don't think he is [going to fire anyone]. I think he just forgot he owned the Colts. He's just on Twitter all day. He's just been doing Twitter giveaways every day. He's like, 'hey, Jim, you still own this team? You get to make the decisions.'

The Capitals are regular season heroes who always look awesome in January

And I know not only is the Capitals year, but the Capitals in January, this is when they get hot. This is when they beat teams. You can count on the Capitals in the regular season to look awesome. Caps year. Ovi.

Lane Kiffin was happy to see Alabama lose the National Championship

The second you move on from [a relationship], there's a small part of you that will always love to see bad things happen to that person... And Lane Kiffin is, by all accounts, a much bigger dick than normal people. So you have to believe that he was popping bottles.

Yahoo's name change to Altaba is a brilliant way to hide from the public eye

I have Yahoo on my cool throne because the best way to secretly get out of the public eye is just have a vaguely foreign sounding company by you and change your name. And just claim that your entire company was satire.

Derrick Rose should use being hacked as an excuse for going missing

He didn't tweet anything. He didn't do anything wrong on the internet. So then just say you got hacked. My life got hacked.

The Masters' theme music is the instant cure for insomnia

It's also just good for dads out there to have, instead of having to rely on Ambien or something to go to sleep, if a dad turns on the Masters music, he's going to fall asleep within five minutes. Best nap of the year. Instant cure for insomniacs.

Michigan fans are the most arrogant and elitist fan base in college football

It's Michigan. But Michigan, first of all, it's a good school. But it's not Harvard. They think they are not. Michigan fans, Michigan graduates are just the most arrogant, elitist... The fans talk like it's Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech wrapped into one. It's not. It's a good school that's won a half a national championship in 60 years.

Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football

I think Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football. I really do. I think Charlie Weis was better than Brian Kelly. He was more hilarious. I don't totally disagree. No, you're right about that. I mean, he was expensive from a food standpoint. But I think Notre Dame can afford a couple of extra buffets, but Brian Kelly, I mean, he really... anyone's cooler than Brian Kelly.

If you are going on a boat party before a playoff game, you better win that game

This is a classic if you're going to go on a boat party. It's the old Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson and Cabo rule. If you're going to go hang out before a playoff game, you better win that fucking playoff game.

Wild Card Weekend is the second-best weekend in sports, behind only Divisional Weekend

If we're doing a power ranking of sports weekends, Wild Card Weekend is in my top three. I've got Wild Card Weekend, I'll call it number two. Divisional Weekend's number one. And then the first weekend of March Madness, number three.

It is better for your date to get injured on a ski trip than for her to be better at skiing than you

He takes her on a ski trip... She starts skiing, and she does backflips going down. And he [Donald Trump] thought that he was going to take this girl out and teach her how to ski. She was better than him. He immediately picked his skis up and walked inside for the rest of the weekend. He's like, this sucks. I can't deal with that. So I would rather that your date gets devastatingly injured than for her to be better.

Grayson Allen's tripping incidents are victimless pranks that don't actually matter

The thing about Grayson Allen that I absolutely love is that all of this is victimless and it doesn't actually matter. The stakes are non-existent in this story. And we pretend like they are because we just love to hate Duke so much. But he's sticking his foot out and tripping guys and they kind of just trip over and they look up like, what the fuck was that? And then they move on. And it's not like he's putting anyone's life in jeopardy.

LeBron James is the perfect laboratory-engineered basketball player, more so than Jordan

In all seriousness, I think LeBron is... If you had to clone a guy and put five of him on the floor, he's clearly the guy that you would want. If you're making a basketball player in a laboratory from the ground up, you build LeBron James.

Boston sports fans would love Gordon Hayward because he is a white player

A lot of stuff in the news about Gordon Hayward and Boston fans booing Jae Crowder, cheering for Hayward. Then Bomani Jones got on the air and said that Boston fans would absolutely love Gordon Hayward, which I think they would. I don't think that's out of bounds.

Tom Brady should be the NFL MVP despite only playing 12 games

If Tom Brady isn't the MVP, it's just further showing [the system is corrupt]... He still had better stats than him. Tom Brady's stats are still better than the other quarterbacks in contention stats. That's the point.

Mike Greenberg's take that the College Football Playoff is better than March Madness is ridiculous

Did anyone tell Greeny that he doesn't know about either of these playoffs because he didn't play sports? ... I mean, it's the most ridiculous statement.

The Starters on NBA TV are sports hipsters

I don't like to shit on other people's quality of their work. But they have a show, and it's actually good. It's very stat-oriented... but like the Starters on the NBA network. They are hipsters. They're sports hipsters.

You cannot be a serious basketball analyst if you never played the game

I just want to ask these fucking nerds. Like, did you ever play? ... If you are a basketball dude and you never played basketball, even in your heart of hearts, and you took it seriously, it's hard for me to take you seriously. Because anybody could play basketball, really, until any age.

Kirk Cousins will get a long-term contract because he looks the part of a quarterback

Do you know what Kirk has going for him? He looks the part. That's really what it is... That's why Matt Barkley is still in the league. That's why Jimmy Clausen is—throw them in a pair of shorts... they look good.

Michigan State quarterbacks are guaranteed to receive huge contracts

Well, he's a Michigan State quarterback. I feel like you have to give a Michigan State quarterback a huge guaranteed contract. That's how it works.

The AFC has been bad for forever

People don't talk about how bad the AFC has been like forever. The Patriots have basically just had to show up every Sunday for the last 12 years, and they'll make it into one every three Super Bowls.

The Falcons are actually a good team

[The Falcons] are. If you go look back at their schedule, they could be anywhere from 16-0 or 0-16 if you just count the wins as losses and the losses as wins.

The Texans playing the first wildcard game on Saturday is an annual tradition like no other

The Texans are playing the first wildcard game on Saturday that everyone's going to hate and always features really bad quarterback play. Tradition like any other.

The 2016 Giants defense might be better than the two Super Bowl winning defenses

I will say that the [2016] defense might be a little bit better than our two Super Bowl defenses.

I will take Eli Manning over any other quarterback in the playoffs

Eli [Manning] just lets it go, man. He is not afraid in the playoffs, and I think that's something that serves him well. I'll take Eli over any of them.

College kickers who wear towels on their hips are soft

You know another thing that pisses me off is when you watch these college guys and they have shields and sweet towel. They have a towel hanging off their hip like they're about to go take a center snap. You're a fucking kicker. Like kick the ball. No one cares what you look like.

Gary Kubiak needs to stay around football or his health will decline immediately

Kubiak strikes me as a guy that could pull a Joe Pop... like the second you step away from the game, a football guy needs to be around football or else his health goes downhill. It's counterintuitive for Kubiak, but I think the more he coaches, the more healthy he's going to be.

Wearing a jumpsuit every day in January will make the month great again

Time to make January great again, and the best way to do that is to wear jumpsuits every day. Every day in January. That's my promise to you.

Pardon My Take is responsible for making punting cool again

Did we bring punting back? Yeah, we made punting cool again. I've seen it everywhere since Punt Week. Ooh, punters this, punters that. These punters, they're so cool.

Hank is more famous than former NHL star Ryan Whitney

Is there a part of you that realizes that Hank is still more famous than you? [Ryan Whitney: I'm fully 100% aware of it.]

The tattoo has officially replaced the mustache as a symbol of American masculinity

Do you think that America lost its way when the mustache went out of style? [Dave Wanstead: Well, the tattoo probably replaced the mustache, you know?]

Shooting 'granny style' should be rebranded to 'pimp grip' to make it cooler for NBA players

I think the problem is that it's called granny style because nobody wants to shoot it with that name. If it was like pimp grip or like called baller style or something like that, I feel like more people would try it.