Takes

Bill Belichick is the reason for the Patriots' sustained success because he knows exactly when to cut players

The reason why you guys have had such sustained, insane success that probably we'll never see again in the NFL is because [Belichick] always knows when a guy needs to go. ... Bill Belichick essentially is like those hackers that the FBI hires to, like, hack into their own mainframe to find all the loopholes.

Jameis Winston is worth more money than Tom Brady right now

Who's worth more money, Jameis Winston or Tom Brady? Jameis. ... He's just got more years. Yeah, he's 26. And he's a future Hall of Famer.

I would rather have a bad quarterback than draft Tua Tagovailoa

I don't want to deal with the bullshit media for like a year being like Tua and Tua and Tua. ... I'd rather have a bad quarterback than a good quarterback. ... A Big Ten, some Big Ten, or like random MAC quarterback.

The Saints would have won if they kept Taysom Hill on the field

But if Taysom Hill stays out there, they win that game. ... Taysom Hill was electric. He was the best player on the field.

Jadeveon Clowney's hit on Carson Wentz was assault

Jadeveon Clowney with the cheapest hit on Carson Wentz concusses him. ... Anyone who's calling Carson Wentz injury prone off of that is fucking bullshit because Jadeveon Clowney assaulted him.

Dave Gettleman is only hiring 'computer folks' for show and won't actually listen to them

He's hiring computer folks. I was joking when I when I saw that clip that it really is like your dad when he gets too many viruses on his laptop... He's not going to actually listen to them. No, that's the thing. He's just hiring them to say that he has computer folk.

Wisconsin will never be a national title contender

Wisconsin never going to be a national title contender. The Rose Bowl is the Super Bowl and I'm fine with that. Some people call that loser talk that's called being a realist fan.

Kirk Cousins is going to look 'so short' playing in the Superdome

Kirk Cousins on the road and the Dome. He's gonna look so short. You know look so short. You know what else this is—this is also I just thought about this but Sean Payton hasn't done any weird motivational gimmicks this year.

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk. I think. Oh, no doubt. No doubt.

I would be much more successful in today's NFL spread offenses

I'm a little jealous of what's going on right now with the spread offenses. It makes it a lot easier for a smaller guy to be successful in run the quarterback draw... we were running RPOs [in Canada] in '94, '93.

Juggling is the ultimate flex move and only exists to make other people feel inferior

The problem with juggle guys is when were you break it out where everyone isn't like fuck you man. I've said every time someone I was like what? Okay, cool. Dude. Juggling is such a flex move... they're just like rubbing your face.

Russell Wilson is the best quarterback to have with the ball at the end of a game

In terms of quarterbacks I want to have the ball at the end of the game, [Russell Wilson] is my number one. Yeah, he's my number one, even though they didn't score there, he's still my number one because he did everything to get them to score.

Jameis Winston's entertainment value to the NFL is worth over $30 million a year

I actually think that as far as entertainment value goes [Jameis Winston's] worth for the NFL is worth well over 30 million dollars. Yes because of what he delivers to the fans... please give Jameis the bump so we can see him in Sunday night and Monday night all next year.

Kevin Harlan is the best play-by-play announcer in all sports

Kevin Harlan I actually was thinking about this because he... honestly might be my favorite play-by-play like all sports.

Aaron Rodgers looks miserable and doesn't seem to love playing football anymore

Does Aaron Rodgers love football? Yes. He he has the worst body language I've ever seen... deep down you have to ask yourself is something up because he looks miserable playing football. The first half he was missing wide-open guys.

Danica Patrick's crystals are the reason Aaron Rodgers' play has declined

I think [Danica Patrick's] crystals have him fucked up. That was my theory. Anika's got the crystals all fucked up.

The Steelers would be a 10-win playoff team if Big Ben provided even average QB play

If you just play average football the Steelers win 10 games this year and are in the playoffs.

Hell is a self-imposed condition you create within yourself

Hell is what you make it within yourself. So hell is a self-imposed condition... hell is really something you create yourself. The difference between organized religion and spirituality is organized religion is built for people to be afraid of hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there.

Today's wrestling has lost the spontaneity and sense of urgency of the Attitude Era

To me, it's just maybe, I'm not picking on today's product, but I just think the spontaneity is lost. Like that feeling that anything could happen is lost. And if you bring it back and create that excitement, I don't think you need to go to filling up this with that or crushing things. Sense of urgency I think is the most important part.

Ben Roethlisberger is tough as hell but often exaggerates the severity of his injuries

It's a lot of injuries Seven [Roethlisberger] shouldn't have played. But he's just a tough... That's what makes Seven seven... And there's probably a lot of other injuries that... Seven, man, come on, man, stop all that BS... So you're going to have the boot on on Monday, but Tuesday you're going to be all good.

The first post-airplane fart is the best part of getting off of a plane

I would say that the best part about getting off of a plane is that first post-airplane fart that you have. For whatever reason, the altitude sucks it all up in you.

NHL refs rely on video replay too much as a safety net, which creates inconsistency

With that sort of difficulty now that they've infused this video replay that is such a safety net for guys, they rely on it too much. It's not even they don't... a goal goes in the net and they're standing so deep in the corner. They don't even signal it. They might not even see it. You got to see everything and use the replay to verify.

The NHL video replay room in Toronto should be staffed by former referees

The problem is that they should have former referees sitting in that room [in Toronto] to make the decision [on video replays].

The only way to cure a Dave & Buster's obsession is to beat the person and get a higher score on every single game

The only way that you can actually beat this [Dave & Buster's obsession] is if you get better at Dave and Buster's than him. That's the only way. ... The only solution, if you really don't want to go to Buster's, is you have to get the high score on every single fucking game. ... You have to win more tickets than him one time. ... And he will never go again.

Week 17 fantasy football leagues are for psychos

Hank, bring that up on the other side... how stupid people are who do week [17]... people that somehow keep their fantasy season going along until week 17. You're a psycho. You're a psycho if you do it.

I no longer feel as good about the 49ers' defense as I did earlier in the season

The parts that I used to feel good about with the 49ers, I feel not as good. And the parts that I used to feel bad about, I feel better... I just don't know. The 49ers I can't make heads or tails of. There's times where I watch them I'm like this team is so so good and there's times I watch them like man what's going on here.

Gardner Minshew is likely just a good backup quarterback

Gardner Minshew... Backup, maybe. Good backup. Good backup, maybe with a little time. Good locker room guy.

Freddie Kitchens must be fired by the Browns

I think in Cleveland, Freddie Kitchens needs to be fired. Situational football, not his strength... And only a bad coach lets that happen. I just don't... I think he's worth firing.

The Panthers should keep Cam Newton for the 2020 season

Hey, Panthers, are you sure you really want to move on from Cam Newton? Because I feel like you've seen enough of life without Cam Newton to be like, maybe let's do this one more time with Cam Newton... If you're the Panthers, I think you kind of want to keep him.

If you FaceTime anyone over 30 who is not a professional athlete, you're an asshole

Those are FaceTime [people]. That's true because every I have never not looked horrendous in a FaceTime... if you FaceTime anyone over 30 who is not a professional athlete, you're actually an asshole.

Take all the unders in late-season NFL divisional games

I feel like late in the season divisional just take all the unders. I know that sounds crazy. I know overs are more fun. But these two teams know each other.

This is an off year for college basketball

It's an off year for college basketball. I love it. Now. They lost him at home [referring to Duke].

Colby Covington isn't a real fighter; he's a joke who made his career off bashing people for clicks

This dude has made literally his career because he he's not a fighter. He's made his career off bashing people bashing even the fans and this world over and over... you deserve what happened to you [getting jaw broken]. You deserve to be a fucking meme for all of eternity.

Fighters come back as better people after being sent to the Shadow Realm

If you get someone unlucky and Street Jesus baptizes you, you want [to go to] Shadow Realm my brother, but you could come back a better person from The Shadow Realm... most come back a better person. Look at Ben [Askren], some hard thinking back a better person.

Always bet the 'Under' on bowl games played on Christmas

I always do Christmas unders. Got to go Christmas time unders although it's hot on the block right [Ben] Herbert, but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Just the first game right? No first three games.

Passer rating is the dumbest statistic of all time

Drew Brees was 29 for 30, 307 yards, four touchdowns, zero interceptions, and he was still 10 points shy of a perfect passer rating. Not good enough for me. It's the dumbest statistic of all time. Not only that, because it's dumb, but it's also someone can explain to me why it's still graded out of 158.3.

Drew Brees gets lost in the GOAT conversation because he never had a year where he was clearly the best

Drew Brees, though, is a classic case of a guy who just played in an era where there were one or two guys that were always just a little bit better than him. He's never won an MVP... Aaron Rodgers threw 45 touchdowns and six interceptions in 2011... 2013, Peyton Manning threw 55 touchdowns... there was never a specific moment in time where you were like, this guy was the best quarterback in the NFL because he also played against Tom Brady, too.

The Lions should just factor in getting screwed by the refs as a guaranteed loss every year

Being fucked by the refs as the Lions, you have to write that in. In your statistical analysis of how the Lions are going to go, their season is going to go, you have to put at least one loss of we're going to get fucked by the refs.

Shitting is an essential mental break during the work day

I feel like the art of going to the back, even in high school before I had a cell phone, I was still just like, let me get out of the class and go take a shit for 30 minutes. It's a mental break. So I don't even know that the cell phone thing would work as much. Like, people back in the day, before cell phones existed, were still taking long shit breaks.

There is no athlete on defense equivalent to Lamar Jackson

There's never been one like Lamar and you know you can just you can tell I mean the defenses are outnumbered and that's the that's the idea... now you can't even, with Lamar, you can't even spy the dude because there's no athlete on your defense that's equivalent to him.

Analytics ruined the Cleveland Browns

You know, the analytic thing is obviously it's trending right now. We saw what it did for the Browns a few years ago. It ruined the organization because that's what they stood behind. But everybody's interested in that. And basically, analytics are all based on past, based on history.

The NFL should return to having only one week between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl

There's only one week between championship game and Super Bowl. Last time [it happened in 1999]. There's always been two weeks. So could you imagine that happening now? I would love it... Why don't they do that? Bring it back to January 30th.

Modern NFL executives and coaches don't watch enough game tape

There's no substitute for putting tape or film or video... on and watching a guy play. There's no substitute, and there's not enough good people in the league that are studying tape. I would go on a limb and say there's executives in this league that don't know how to watch tape or would rather not watch tape.

NFL coaches are better suited for college recruiting than people think

Someone that says something along those lines with respect to a – directed towards an NFL guy that's looking at college I think is pretty simple-minded because as NFL guys, we're on college campuses all the time during the spring... the attraction to me with respect to the college game is to be able to go get a young man as he enters the university – before he makes some decisions that affect him later in life.

I will fight anyone who is genuinely mad about John Rothstein wishing coaches good luck

If you have a problem with John Rothstein texting good luck and most of the time getting left just completely ignored by the coach, come fight us. If he's wishing good luck to both sides... he just wants everyone to play well. It's just so petty. People are coming after our guy.

Pitchers should be required to finish the entire inning they enter

I actually think they should go one further and a pitcher gets in the game and they have to finish the inning. Because it would be so funny watching a pitcher just die out there and give up a million home runs.

Jameis Winston is a Hall of Famer

He's a Hall of Famer. No one else has done that [throw back-to-back 450-plus yard games].

The Lions are the worst franchise in the NFL

The Lions are the worst franchise in the NFL. And I feel really bad for Lions fans, even though I root for a team in their division... They have one single playoff win in the Super Bowl era.

The Texans cycle perfectly between statement wins and statement losses

The Texans now have gone statement win, statement loss, statement win. And that sums up the Texans perfectly. They just flip-flop. They beat the Patriots on primetime, they laid an egg against a bad Broncos team, and then they go into Nashville against the hottest team in the NFL and beat them in their building.

The NFL should not schedule divisional opponents to play twice in a three-week span

I don't like when the division ends when you play the same team twice within the last three games. They should do it on aggregate, if anything, because you're playing the exact same team twice. Sometimes a team can be totally different at the start of the year than they are at the end... I like spreading it out a little bit.