Takes

I'm challenging the Bagel Boss guy to a fist fight at Rough N' Rowdy.

I'm challenging him to a fist fight. So I'm trying to track him down. I'm officially challenging him to Rough N' Rowdy if I can find this guy. I would defeat him easily.

Jay Williams claiming Duke could beat the Cavs was his 'arrival moment' in the hot take industry.

The saying, 'Duke can beat the Cavs,' is like Jay Williams' arrival moment. He's just letting everyone know, hey, I'm here now to just spew some bullshit out here. I'm for real.

Bill Simmons 'spiked the football' too early on the 2018-19 Celtics.

Attacking that little extra part at the end, [Bill Simmons said] 'they're going to be up 30 points in a lot of them.' In a lot of them. Yeah, that's just spiking the football when you haven't even scored yet.

Zion Williamson is one bad weekend in Vegas away from becoming 'real chonk'.

I've said he's [Zion] one bad weekend in Vegas away from real chonk.

Zion Williamson is the rare Duke player that everyone will root for.

Zion is like the rare dude from Duke that everyone is going to root for.

Zion Williamson would actually play worse if he lost weight.

I think [Zion Williamson] would actually get worse if he lost weight. There's something about his body. He's got power that he can just jump into. It doesn't look as much like an offensive foul if a fat guy runs into you as opposed to like a big jacked up dude.

Waiters only offer you mushrooms at Chili's if you give off a 'drug guy' vibe.

You put out the drug guy vibe. I understand why she would try to offer that to you.

I'd like to thank my family for believing in me while winning 'Blake of the Year' despite the haters.

First off, I'd like to thank my family for believing me this whole time. Obviously, there's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of naysayers, a lot of haters, but somehow we made it here. I don't know, man. I'm at a loss for words.

Vlad Guerrero Jr. should be in every single Home Run Derby for the rest of time

I want Vlad Guerrero in every single home run derby for the rest of time. He is electric... if you watch Vlad Guerrero take any of his practice swings like a week ago, you knew that he was going to be a show. You knew he was going to be awesome to watch.

Mic'ing up baseball players might actually save baseball

We were watching and they had someone at bat who was mic'd up. I think it was Freddie Freeman. And I have to admit, I think it might save baseball. With all that said, it could definitely save baseball.

I am in favor of the 'footballization' of every other sport

I'm in support of the footballization of any other sport. I want there to be a [challenge] flag. I want there to be the footballization of any other sport.

Challenges and replay in sports are bad because they prevent fans from complaining about being screwed

I'm firmly in the stance that everyone who wants more replay and more challenges, what you're going to do is you're going to get a world where we can't complain about anything. And watching sports is half of it is winning. And the other half is saying why your team didn't lose. They got screwed.

I love Cameron Payne playing in the NBA Summer League after four years in the NBA

My hot seat is the summer league... except Cameron Payne, who is in the summer league, and he's just finished his fourth year in the NBA. He is competing in the summer league. I fucking love this... I hope he plays past when he retires from the NBA and he keeps showing up for the summer league.

The Clippers are a better team than the Lakers heading into the 2019 season

Well, I think the Clippers are better, and I wanted them to get like a knockdown shooter to go along with those two guys... when they struck out on Kawhi, it's just they got a bunch of kind of filler pieces. I mean, I guess they're a little deeper maybe than the Clippers, but I don't know.

The Lakers are Anthony Davis' team, not LeBron James'

I mean, it's Anthony Davis' team. LeBron... you know, I wasn't a huge fan of the whole LeBron thing in the first place, and he was all right last year... I'd rather have Kawhi than LeBron, obviously.

Analytics actually work and players eventually buy in when they see the results

I think people were opposed to it at first, and then guys realized how much it works... when analytics was first a thing, guys didn't want to buy it, and now they see how much it works, and you can just see it.

I was one of the last 'crafty righties' in Major League Baseball

The type of pitcher that I was is just completely gone now. Like, there's not too many guys. I mean, there's a few like crafty lefties, but very few crafty righties. I was one of the last crafty righties. That's for sure.

The Bachelorette having four fantasy suite dates instead of three is a smart life hack

Hannah couldn't decide who to give the final rose to... so she gave them both a rose, which means Hannah will have four fantasy suite dates instead of three... She just hacked the bachelorette by having more sex. She was like i realized that i could get more laid than other bachelorettes

If you have a stubborn fart, you should get on all fours like a dog to release it

You know when you've got to really fart bad and you can't and you get on all fours? That's a good position... Someday my son's going to come out and be like, well, dad, why are you on the floor? I got to fart. Son, this is how we fart.

The NBA has the best offseason in sports

The NBA by far and away has the best offseason in terms of the free agency period and players moving around and teams completely changing the course of their next four to five years in a matter of moments.

LeBron James no longer controls the NBA like he used to

The immediate reaction that I had was LeBron James does not control this league like he used to.

Wimbledon is a top-tier sport to take a nap through

Mount Rushmore of sports to take a nap through. I've been napping a lot through Wimbledon because it's the green. It's early to quiet. It's just a little bit of grunts here and there. But other than that, it's a nice little ease into a nap Wimbledon.

Peter King is a hypocrite for criticizing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

It is unbelievable to watch where Peter King draws the line. Putting a serial rapist into the Hall of Fame. Okay. Darren Sharper. Eating too many hot dogs on 4th of July? Nuh-uh. Don't do it. Covering a sport for 30, 40 years... where guys are dying from brain injuries... Okay. Watching Joey Chestnut eat 71 hot dogs on July 4th? Uh-uh. That's Peter King's line.

Christian Yelich is making the smart decision by skipping the Home Run Derby to protect his swing and back

I think that you're making the smart call. First of all, if you compete in the home run derby, there's a chance you could ruin your swing... I'm really glad that it's not [happening].

The 'ass-eating' bet with Christian Yelich is a lifetime commitment

I think it only should count for the one time. Like, you can't do the home run derby every year. I think it should be a home run derby. The next one you do, when you have to enter it and play in it, and that will be the bet.

Buying illegal drugs for the first time is a drug in itself

Buying drugs for the first time is absolutely it is a drug in itself. It's like the rush that you get after the transaction's over. It could be the world's shittiest drugs but you're like super excited you're like oh my god I did this.

Waking up after a blackout and realizing you still have your phone and wallet is an all-time thrill

Drinking too much, like completely blacking out... And waking up and checking your pants to see if your wallet and phone isn't there... That, that wake up of like... Oh my God, do I have my shit? That is a thrill in itself.

Recognizing a flea flicker as it unfolds is one of the greatest thrills in sports

My last one is when you realize that it's not a handoff, but you recognize that it's a flea flicker. When the running back is going deep. When the running back tosses back, everybody who's watching the TV stands up. They're like, oh, shit.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

Tim Howard is the greatest male U.S. soccer player of all time

I would say the greatest, the greatest male U.S. soccer player. Landon Donovan, Cobi Jones, Alexi Lalas, Dempsey, Dempsey, Freddie Adu. That's it. That's the list.

Kicking a soccer ball is incredibly easy compared to kicking a football

I think kicking a soccer ball is incredibly easy compared to kicking a football... It's a different skill set kicking a football from a soccer ball. It's terribly different.

I would have been a better cast member than a writer at Saturday Night Live

I really was probably better off as a cast member. I wasn't a writer when I got on the show. I think because I actually auditioned for cast... I came in with no writing experience, but I were amazing with your ideas.

My son Prince hits bombs, but I hit balls that leave stadiums

I told him one time, he hits bombs, I leave stadiums, and that's it.

If you can hit left-handed, you can own the game of baseball

Lefties are really on the game. I mean, if you can hit left-handed, you can own the game. During [Prince Fielder's] career, he owned the game while he was playing it.

The Steelers locker room culture fell apart because Le'Veon Bell left

The locker room wasn't the locker room until Le'Veon left. Like, Le'Veon is the mediator of everything. He's somebody you want to have in that locker room.

Smooth by Santana and Rob Thomas is the ultimate #1 summer song

Smooth. Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas. 20 years ago. It feels like it came out yesterday. It does. The way that they play it on every sporting event.

Blue Sky by The Allman Brothers is the best summer car song

Allman Brothers, Blue Sky. When that song hits, when you're in the car, oof, nothing better, nothing better.

The White Walkers fight like a bunch of seven-year-olds playing soccer where everyone just runs to the ball

The White Walkers... they're super aggressive, right? But they're dumb as shit... They básicamente are... I mean, they're all just running... it's like basically playing... they fight like a bunch of like seven-year-olds play basketball. Everyone runs to the ball. Bunch ball. And no one's spacing anything out.

Theon Greyjoy had the best redemption and performance in the Battle of Winterfell

My best performance is Theon. Dude, Theon fought his ass off... Bran did say, you're a good man. Bran was basically like, alright, Theon, you're done.

The ending of Game of Thrones was as cheesy as the Seinfeld finale

The whole thing was cheesy as fuck, and then they're sitting around, like, the ending of, like, Seinfeld sitting in the jail. Where they're all sitting around the table at King's Landing, like, ha-ha, whoa, we gotta get more wheat for the winter... it turned into them playing SimCity around a table at the end.

Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant are the two NBA personalities least likely to get along long-term

Having Kyrie and KD together, those are the two personalities I think are least likely to get along. It's going to be great.

Jimmy Butler's move to Miami is perfect because he just wants to be himself and doesn't care about competing for titles

J-Butt in Miami, which I think it's kind of solid. It's almost the perfect J-Butt move... He just wants to be J-Butt and... be with Mark Wahlberg... But now he's on a team that's not really going to compete, but he's going to have a good time.

Kemba Walker is a better player than Kyrie Irving

Hank, the Celtics definitely won by getting Kemba... [Hank:] Yes. [Big Cat:] OK. [PFT:] No, I agree with Hank on this take. I think that he's a better fit up there.

If Kawhi Leonard signs with the Lakers, it will ruin NBA parity and revert the league back to a boring superteam era

If Kawhi goes to the Lakers... it's basically like we took all these steps forward to getting everyone even, all the Warriors died, and now we're just going to have the Lakers be the super team.

Wilt Chamberlain is the greatest basketball player of all time

I think Wilt Chamberlain is the best player. Wilt Chamberlain has 68 of the 72 NBA records... He got 23,000 rebounds.

Kobe Bryant was a more skilled offensive player than Michael Jordan

When I say Kobe is better than Michael Jordan, I'm talking about as far as skilled in the overall game... Kobe can do everything Michael Jordan can do, but he learned how to do it better offensively.

Kobe Bryant was right that I was 'soft' in terms of my mental stability and letting things get into my head

He said something, and I finally understood what he was saying... I don't think he was ever talking about something physical. I think he was talking about more like mental stability, where I allowed things to get in my head that I shouldn't have.

Sean Bradley wasn't actually a bad player; he just was a frequent victim of being dunked on

Sean Bradley wasn't that bad. He just got dunked on a lot.

Clothing companies should manufacture pants with built-in iPhone chargers in the pockets

I have a really good drunk idea... It's shorts that have an iPhone charger built into the pocket... You plug your pants into the wall... It's a Mophie that you can wear.

MLB should continue to play games in international stadiums with tiny dimensions to ensure high-scoring slugfests like the London Series

If they bring baseball games to different countries, just keep doing exactly like that... just runs, runs, runs... dimensions are so distorted that we keep having exactly this.