PMT DB
PMT DB
Dungeons and Dragons Returns with Timm Woods and Nick Turani
The long-awaited return of the people’s champ has finally arrived. Timm Woods stepped back into the studio to lead the first full-length, start-to-finish Dungeons and Dragons campaign in show history. To up the ante, Big Cat and PFT brought in a ringer to fill out the party.
Big CatNick Turani is the biggest nerd in the Barstool office
And we have added the biggest nerd in the office in Nick Turani. It's fair to say here. Hot seat Jake. Yeah.
Big Cat was feeling himself from the jump, declaring this episode the pinnacle of the medium. Forget the disappointing end to the Iron Throne; the guys were ready to deliver a fantasy epic that wouldn't leave fans complaining on Reddit for a decade.
Big CatThis D&D episode is the greatest podcasting ever done
It is maybe the greatest podcasting ever done. And I'm just going to say it, podcasting ever done. I think I'd said that if Game of Thrones creators had had had a last season that was half as good as this, then everyone would have critical claim of it. That's how good it is. Get excited.
The Quest Begins with Lost Mines
Timm Woods decided to wipe the slate clean and start a brand-new campaign rather than spending ninety minutes recapping the convoluted mess from years ago. He settled on a classic module that serves as the entry point for almost every D&D player.
Timm WoodsLost Mines of Phandelver is the quintessential D&D adventure that almost everyone who has played the game has experienced
The adventure that I have planned for us today is a classic. It is known as Lost Mines of Phandelver. It is one of the most well-known D&D adventures. ... honestly, it's a well-known adventure. It's in the beginner box. So if anybody has played any adventure here, it would be that one.
We were introduced to the new squad: Wayne the Bard (PFT), Cake the Wizard (Jake), Ehrlich the Warlock (Hank), and Norm the Barbarian (Big Cat). Big Cat played Norm like a physical specimen destined for greatness, even if he hasn't developed the "ball skills" yet.
Big CatMy character, Norm, is going to be a problem in 2030
I'm like the kid that Bleacher Report posts like this, the seventh grader, who's seven feet. And he's just dunking on a bunch of like five foot kids. Yeah. That's me right now. This kid's going to be a problem in 2030.
Diplomacy and Drugs
The adventure kicked off with the party meeting Gundren Rockseeker, a dwarven merchant who hired them to escort supplies. Naturally, PFT was immediately suspicious of the cargo and the employer's motives.
PFT CommenterGundren Rockseeker and Sildar are likely drug mules
We should check on the supplies. Should we look at them? Like we might be drug mules in this situation. You know how they say, like in an airport, don't take anybody else's bag for them. Right.
PFT spent most of the early game trying to "dose" the rest of the party with pipe leaf. While the guys talked shop with Timm Woods about the weird subculture of D&D conventions, things took a turn for the surreal when PFT used minor illusions to create a Tupac hologram.
PFT CommenterTupac Shakur is definitely alive
[Jake Marsh] has failed to save and believes it's the real Tupac. And if he's just playing the best beats... I know [Tupac] was alive.
While the party tried to figure out who to trust, a rift started forming. PFT became convinced that Jake’s character, Cake, was actually working for the authorities. It’s hard to shake the narc energy when you're the only one not partaking in the pipe leaf.
PFT CommenterJake Marsh's character, Cake, is definitely a narc or a member of the city watch
[Cake] is a cop like you on the basketball court, check to see if he's a cop... he feels like a cop.
The Great Betrayal
Things devolved rapidly once the party left the city limits. Instead of guarding Gundren, Big Cat and the crew decided to ambush their own employer. After Big Cat delivered a brutal killing blow with his great axe, he made sure to remind everyone about the biological realities of the afterlife.
Big CatEveryone craps themselves right before they die
[PFT Commenter]: Then he craps himself before he died. [Big Cat]: As everyone does before they died. Jake tried to eat his, but—
Nick Turani’s character, Greg the Paladin, proved to be the wild card of the group. Despite being a "holy warrior," Nick leaned into the darkness, eventually revealing that he followed a god of destruction who loved the chaos the party was sowing.
Nick TuraniAn evil God is completely satisfied with the party's horrific actions
[Big Cat]: Greg, I'm not the one to tell you that your God is angry with you... what are the thoughts going through Greg's head? [Nick Turani]: My God has never been more proud of me.
Total Party Kill
The campaign reached its fever pitch inside Wave Echo Cave. What started as a mission for gold turned into a civil war. After a series of ghouls and fireballs, only a few members of the party remained standing. Hank’s character, Ehrlich, turned on the group with a fireball that decimated both enemies and allies alike.
In the end, only Wayne the Bard was left standing amongst the corpses of his friends. PFT stayed true to his character's irreverent nature by providing the final, disgusting punctuation mark to the three-hour journey.
PFT CommenterPFT is the ultimate winner of the campaign after outlasting everyone
I'd like to just, I'd like to piss all over everybody... Everyone and there are some people making, saving, throws. They may live or die... but they're getting pissed on no matter what. And that is where we would finish up our game for today then.
At the end of the day, no one found the treasure, but everyone found out exactly how far they were willing to go to spite their coworkers.
