Curt Schilling

Dustin Johnson should have followed the Tiger Woods handbook and winced his way through a few holes before withdrawing

In true Tiger Woods fashion, [Dustin Johnson] should have winced and keeled over, hit a couple shots. Maybe see if he gets like a birdie to start and then keep playing. And if not, then quit and withdraw. That's the Tiger Woods handbook.

Pimento cheese sandwiches at the Masters are probably overrated

I know what a pimento cheese sandwich is, but I'm guessing that it's not as unbelievable as everyone's making it off to be.

LeBron James would not be an all-time great if you removed the 30 feet around the basket

If you took away the 30 feet around the basket, though, LeBron James would not be an all-time great basketball player. He relies way too much on driving and his jump shot... On the high percentage shots. And dunks and, yeah, anything inside the logo.

Jimmy Butler has only been the 23rd or 24th best player in the league this year

Jimmy Butler, he's played like a... 23rd, 24th best player in the league type this year, about exactly where I thought he would be.

The Bulls will beat the Raptors in the playoffs because they own them

The Bulls are going to beat the Raptors because they own the Raptors. I'm not saying the Bulls are a better team than the Raptors. The Raptors are a better team overall, but the Bulls, for some reason, just own the Raptors.

In the Eastern Conference playoffs, you should always bet against teams wearing red

All the red teams are pretty much the same team. They might win one playoff series. If you're the Heat, if you're the Raptors, if you're the Bulls, if you're the Hawks, you're going to win maybe one series and then you're done... Always bet against Red.

No species has ever created another species through procreation

I don't believe in evolution in the sense that a dog mating with a dog makes a dog. No species has ever created another species through procreation.

I am not a Hall of Famer by my own standards

In my Hall of Fame, no. I think I was pretty good. I think I was better than everybody in the history of the game in October. Was I a Hall of Famer? In my Hall of Fame, no.

Mike Mussina is not a Hall of Famer

[Big Cat: Mike Mussina?] Ooh. I'd have to look at his numbers... As soon as you pause, it's a no.

Modern starting pitchers are soft for only throwing 180 innings

Today it's going to be harder [for pitchers to get in the Hall] because they're doing less. You've got starters who go out and have a full season and have 180 innings. I mean, that's the equivalent of having a vagina... As a starter, your job is innings.

There should be an alliance of every NFL punter to feed Pat McAfee scoops and cuck Adam Schefter

I hope that this turns into an alliance between every punter in the league and Pat McAfee. So they're all feeding him all the scoops. And he's constantly using his punter connections to cuck Adam Schefter.

You can never be friends with your bookie

[Big Cat: Can you be friends with your bookie?] No. That's the age-old question, and the answer is no.

Men and women can't be friends unless they are having sex

Can guys and girls be friends? No. Unless they're fucking. Then they're really good friends.