PMT DB
PMT DB
Timm Woods on Dungeons & Dragons, Baldur's Gate 3, and the Quest for Elysium
The greatest tradition in the history of the program is back. Timm Woods returned to the studio, and while he couldn't bring his full arsenal through airport security, he brought the energy required to lead Big Cat, PFT, Hank, Jake, and special guest Nick Turani through a chaotic journey inspired by the hottest game in the world.
Timm WoodsTSA does not allow foam swords on planes
I looked up whether TSA would accept foam swords. They do not. And so [I] held onto my foam blade back at home. Didn't get to bring it, but I'm so honored to be in the presence of [the show] right now.
Before the dice even started rolling, the conversation took a sharp turn into presidential history and LARPing culture. Big Cat, a seasoned veteran of the field, defended the honor of live-action role-playing while the group debated which historical figures would be most proficient in certain extracurricular activities.
Big CatLARPing is actually a lot of fun
I've larp before. LARPing is great. It's so much fun... it's like very Game of Thrones. Yeah, I was an archer. It was so much fun.
Big CatRonald Reagan would likely be the best U.S. President at performing oral sex because he was 'taught by the best' in Hollywood
What president would suck the best dick? James Madison. Yeah, definitely. Well no. What about silver tongue Lyndon B. Johnson? Wouldn't it be Reagan? 'cause he's been taught by the best. Oh yeah, true. I think he's the best at getting head. Well maybe Clinton. Actually Obama, right?
The Baldur's Gate Descent
Timm Woods set the stage by pulling from the massive success of Baldur's Gate 3, explaining how the game has revitalized interest in D&D mechanics. The guys found themselves abducted by mind flayers, stuck in pods with tadpoles burrowing into their brains.
Timm WoodsBaldur's Gate 3 is currently bigger than Dungeons & Dragons itself
I'd say [Baldur's Gate 3] is bigger than D&D itself right now. It has won all the awards. It has become this huge video game and it's all based off of the D&D rules. It's the best job they've done taking the game we know and love and turning it into a video game experience.
Naturally, the teamwork was non-existent from the jump. Nick Turani, playing as George Washington the Paladin, decided his first move should be ripping his own eyeball out to remove the parasite. It didn't work, leaving him with a milky eye and a lot of self-inflicted damage. Big Cat took a more direct approach by trying to "rage puke" his tadpole out, which actually succeeded, leading to a frantic scramble to keep the worm on a leash.
PFT tried to use his bardic skills to solve the parasite problem through the power of science and music, though his understanding of anatomy might be a little bit skewed.
PFT CommenterAmphibians have ears that connect directly to their brains
One thing I know about lizards and amphibians, they've got ears that connect directly to their brain. Could I sing a note so high that the vibration of it kills everyone's tadpole?
Team Betrayals and Tactical Errors
The adventure reached a fever pitch when the guys made it to the helm of the ship. While PFT took over the controls, he admitted that his training was a bit specialized.
PFT CommenterI know how to fly a plane, I just don't know how to take off or land
I just know how to fly. I don't know how to take off and land. Exactly.
While the mind flayers and dark angels fought in the background, Jake Marsh decided it was time for a heel turn. Using the power of the tadpole, he successfully mind-controlled his teammates to ensure they reached their destination, justifying the move as a "favor" to the group.
Jake MarshMind-controlling teammates in Dungeons & Dragons is acceptable because it isn't the real world
This is d and d. It's different than the real world. I don't feel bad... Scre it. This is fake. This is fantasy life... I actually controlled your mind and brought you to the promise land.
Landing in Elysium
The campaign ended not with a boss fight, but with a permanent vacation. The guys successfully piloted the ship into Elysium, the neutral-good version of heaven where every desire is met instantly. For Hank, it was a rough ending as he was reduced to a singular, sentient testicle on a leash after several "accidents" involving a light crossbow. Big Cat, however, was thriving in the afterlife, even after Hank tried to sabotage his experience with illusions.
Big CatI have zero problem sleeping with an angel in Elysium, even if they turn out to be a man
Hank's big fucking move was to make me gay. Like it's a bad thing. Disgusting. You fucking an angel dude. Yeah, absolutely. I I don't give [a fuck]—angels are angels. They just change their physical form whenever they want. Shit. They're just like changing to [whatever you] love... I'm like, yeah, no shit bro.
PFT summed up the perfect version of paradise, which apparently looks a lot like a degenerate gambler's dream Sunday afternoon.
PFT CommenterThe ideal heaven includes NFL games where every over hits and the channel changes the moment it gets boring
Is NFL on? Yeah. Oh, a hundred percent. And every game is like exactly as exciting as you want. Every over hits, every game is like going into the most exciting moments... and then as soon as it gets boring, the channel just changes to a new, more exciting game.
With everyone (except Hank's body) settled into an eternal orgy with perfect NFL RedZone coverage, the quest concluded as the most successful PMT adventure to date.
Just remember, if you find yourself in heaven, check the channel if the game gets boring.
