Brooks Koepka is too attractive to win a major tournament

[Brooks Koepka] is way too attractive to win any kind of major tournament. Usually you need a receding hairline, some Phil Mickelson man boobs, some Tiger Woods inner demons. Give me one flaw that I can make fun of you for on Twitter and make me feel better as a person.

Attractive people shouldn't be good at anything because it makes them impossible to make fun of

If you're an attractive person, you shouldn't be good at anything. Give me one flaw that I can make fun of you for on Twitter and make me feel better as a person. [Brooks Koepka] has an attractive girlfriend. He just won like $3 million. He's attractive. He's the U.S. Open winner. Fuck this guy.

The U.S. Open course at Erin Hills was way too easy

The golf course lost. I expect more. I want to see the U.S. Open golf course. I want to see Jim Nance giving his tie to the course. Everyone was just hitting it right down the middle the whole time. Easiest golf course I've ever seen. So USGA, figure it out.

85% of The Ringer's basketball podcasters are 'hipsters' who rely too much on stats

85% of the people that are on the Ringer podcast discussing basketball, they're hipsters. In terms of the stat, stat, stat... I want an eye test. I don't want geometry. Can you play or can you not play?

LeBron James will never be as good as Michael Jordan

23 reasons why LeBron James will never be like Mike... Caitlyn Jenner. Another topic we need more on. LeVar [Ball] can't ball is a good one.

Bill Simmons' HBO show was 'trash' from the first interview

I did his HBO show, which I knew was trash. I knew which we all knew was trash from the first interview from the first person... I knew that when I watched the Simmons thing, everybody knew, because there was so much anticipation and hype, and because he left ESPN, you knew... yo, this is in deep shit.