Brooks Koepka is too attractive to win a major tournament

[Brooks Koepka] is way too attractive to win any kind of major tournament. Usually you need a receding hairline, some Phil Mickelson man boobs, some Tiger Woods inner demons. Give me one flaw that I can make fun of you for on Twitter and make me feel better as a person.

Attractive people shouldn't be good at anything because it makes them impossible to make fun of

If you're an attractive person, you shouldn't be good at anything. Give me one flaw that I can make fun of you for on Twitter and make me feel better as a person. [Brooks Koepka] has an attractive girlfriend. He just won like $3 million. He's attractive. He's the U.S. Open winner. Fuck this guy.

The U.S. Open course at Erin Hills was way too easy

The golf course lost. I expect more. I want to see the U.S. Open golf course. I want to see Jim Nance giving his tie to the course. Everyone was just hitting it right down the middle the whole time. Easiest golf course I've ever seen. So USGA, figure it out.

Ricky Fowler can't win a title wearing 'candy-ass' bright orange uniforms

We do have the theory that candy-ass uniforms can't win titles. So, are we a little nervous? He had that bright orange on Sunday. Maybe, like, I was just thinking, hey, is Ricky Fowler playing for the Dolphins? Because... This sucks.

Ricky Fowler should start wearing red on Sundays since Tiger Woods is no longer in contention

Tiger's not going to be in contention on Sundays anytime soon. Somebody needs to swoop in and grab the red over. Take those reds. I'm so dumb that I will root for any golfer that makes playing in red on Sundays his thing now. Because that's as close as we're going to get to cheering on Tiger again.

NBA prospects suck until they actually prove it in the league

I'm of the mindset that the best players in the world are currently in the NBA, and if you're not in the NBA yet, then you suck. I don't see anybody competing against the superstars for the next five to ten years. I haven't seen [Markelle Fultz] play, so he must suck.

Josh Jackson is a better fit for the Celtics than Markelle Fultz

Josh Jackson fits what the Celtics have more than Markelle Fultz. He's going to be able to defend a bunch of positions. He's going to be able to play a role that you guys need.

Madison Square Garden is the best place to play in the NBA

My number one pick, my favorite city always to visit is New York. The Garden is one of the most fun places to play. Just the energy, even when they're not as good or even if they have more hype. It's always a good crowd, great city.

Phoenix is a sleeper NBA city with huge potential

Number two, kind of a sleeper city for me, is Phoenix. Young. It's a good time. Great weather always. I like to get in there a little early. Just take my claim, put them on the Mount Rushmore, and then when they do blow up, it's like, hey, I was here from the beginning.

Toronto is a premier NBA city because it is culturally diverse and a great tax city to play in

Number three, I'm going Toronto. North of the border. Toronto's great, culturally diverse country. Solid fans, great tax city to play in. Also Drake, you could be friends with Drake.

Homer Simpson is the greatest sitcom dad of all time because every man aspires to live like him

Number one, I have Homer Simpson. That's a no-brainer. We all grew up idolizing Homer. In fact, every man's life is spent getting to a place where he can just live his life like Homer Simpson. Every man's dream. How'd you know I wanted to always dress in a muumuu?

Mike Brady is a beta male for raising kids that aren't his

Mike Brady [is] raising somebody else's kids. He's got to pay for all their education and their trips to Disney World. Those weren't even his kids. He's not a real man. He's a beta male. He's stuck paying for an alpha male's problem.

Number 56 makes a defensive end look the fastest on the field

I believe as a 32-year-old white defensive end, I would decide on picking the number that made me look the fastest. [Number 56].

Kevin Durant should lean into the 'fart face' rumors to be relatable

The reason why people hate you [Kevin Durant] right now is that you joined a 73-win team to win a title. Give us something to make you relatable. Be the fart face guy. It actually humanizes him a little bit, doesn't it?

Freshman should always get a roommate instead of a single

Got to get a roommate. The guy who gets the single, he's immediately judged like, oh, you're better than us. And it becomes a party room. You're a freak. The guy who has a single room, there's always questions. Freshman year, just get a roommate, deal with it.