Takes

Djokovic is the undisputed GOAT of tennis after winning Olympic gold

Djokovic is the goat. One gold big deal. On Clay beating Nadal. Beat, beat the whole country of Spain.

JaVale McGee is the greatest American athlete of all time

JaVale McGee... three-time NBA champion and Olympic gold medal. In my opinion, the greatest American athlete.

Race walking is the most metal sport in the Olympics

I think I've actually changed my tune on race walking... because it is the funniest looking sport by far, but it's insane. The dude that is the best in the world at it... he was just shitting himself during the race... his body just gave up. It's actually the most metal sport.

Gable Steveson is the next Kurt Angle

Gable Stevenson, who's a Barstool athlete... that was incredible. The backflip, fucking legend. He's the next Kurt Angle, I think.

Olympic runners are breaking world records because there are no fans to suck the oxygen out of the stadium

If there's no crowd at all, does that mean that there's more oxygen for the people to breathe on the track? ... They're sucking all the oxygen out normally, but when there's no fans there, it's a richer environment for especially distance runners to be able to breathe more efficiently.

US Women's Hockey beating Canada is more meaningful because hockey is all they have

It just feels good to beat Canada because you know in hockey, that's all they have. It bothers them a lot. And Canadians can't get bothered... We know you're bothered. We know you're triggered right now.

The 2018 Winter Olympics have been the least viral Olympics of all time

I have no stats to back this up, but these have been the least viral Olympics of all time... Not letting people tweet in Instagram clips. Otherwise, you take their accounts down. So dumb. I tried to look at people for highlights of the hockey game, and it was just tweets.

The Russian curler using performance-enhancing drugs proves curlers are taking it seriously

one of the Russian athletes got busted for using drugs and it was a curler... So curlers are now taking performance enhancing drugs. Well, it's Russia. Adderall... you have to dope if you're in Russia.

Snow looks more professional when viewed at night under stadium lights

Snow just looks better at night. That's a fact. When you've got the lights popping off of it, it's all shiny, it's nice. It looks professional. During the day, it's like, oh, these are just people out for a good time on a mountain.

Olympic events starting before the Opening Ceremony should be moved to avoid the delay

I don't like the Olympic Games getting started before the opening ceremony. Just move the opening ceremonies a couple days earlier. I need a torch.

Michael Phelps is definitely coming out of retirement for the Tokyo Olympics

Does anyone actually think that Michael Phelps isn't racing in Tokyo? The guy can't go a year without having to get into a race with a great white shark, and this is the guy who's retired? He's definitely going to race in Tokyo.

If an Olympic medal deteriorates, the athlete shouldn't be considered the winner anymore

I think the medals that were won in this Olympics, if they deteriorate, they shouldn't count. If the medal's gone, you didn't win it.

Shaunae Miller crossed the finish line faster because she dove.

Like, why would you not dive? Right. It doesn't make any sense. Like, she crossed the finish line faster because she dove. David Eckstein... That guy used to dive into first base all the time. Nobody ever said he wasn't fast.

If a fire alarm goes off in a hotel, you don't have to leave unless you actually smell smoke or see someone on fire

Either way, if a fire alarm goes off in a hotel, you don't have to leave. That's like a rule. Everyone knows that... Until people start running or you smell smoke, you don't have to go anywhere until I see somebody on fire.

The 2016 Olympics Russians got away with systematic doping

The Russians got away scot-free. So the IOC said, OK, we know your whole country had systematic doping for the last 20 years, so we're just going to ban the track and field team... they banned the track and field team, but anybody else from Russia is allowed to compete. So there you go.

The Rio Olympics PR company is doing a great job because they successfully used a terrorist cell to get brand impressions

The Olympics, their PR company is just knocking it out of the park still, coming up with all sorts of unique visitors and brand impressions on people with all these scandals going on. They thwarted a 10-person terrorist cell. What? That's all the terrorists, so no more of them... My understanding is there are banners saying that police officers don't get paid in Rio. But somehow these guys were working for free and they broke up a major terrorist plot. So hats off.

The Olympics should stop providing condoms to encourage the breeding of a super race

I think that there should actually be no condoms inside the Olympic Village. These are... the top true of the top one percent genetically. It should be like a rabbit farm in there. We should be forcing them to breed with each other. No condoms.

The Rio Olympics tragedies are a marketing strategy by Brazil

The only way to remind people that the Olympics are coming is to continually have tragedies and threats... There are some guys in Brazil right now sitting in a marketing office patting themselves on the back. We really did this. We're making the news. Yeah, we threw out Zika. We threw out terrorists, a guy with a gun. There's sewage. There's poop water. Hey, let's throw some old body parts... Front page news. Oh, yeah. And the Olympics are on NBC. Tune in.

The Zika virus is an official threat to the Rio Olympics because of sexual transmission

If you can't get your dick sucked or eat some vagina, there's no point in going to Rio. So Zika is now an official threat to the Olympics. If you're an Olympic athlete and you can't fucking suck your way through Rio, what's the point in going?