Takes

It is disgusting that the United States has never medaled in the Winter Biathlon

The Winter Biathlon is a race that combines cross country skiing and rifle shooting... We have never medaled in this sport. It's disgusting. It is absolutely disgusting that the United States [has never medaled]. We should dominate that sport.

Andrew Hill will win Olympic gold in short track speed skating because everyone else will crash

We got one American left in the competition. Eagles fan, Bucks County. Andrew Hill. ... We're gonna be rooting for Andrew Hill. He's 18 to one. ... Survive the crashes. But yeah, this sport is awesome because they just wipe out so hard.

Ski Mountaineering should be a 'death sport' where the last person moving wins

My idea to actually make this a better sport, just like last person going... there's no finish line, there's no time. It's just the last person who's still moving. It's like a death sport. ... It's just like the epitome of endurance. Just have the last person moving wins the gold medal.

I could medal in a women's Olympic slalom event

What sport would become the most watched if they allowed trash talk... [Hank proposed putting athletes in different sports] ... Hank couldn't medal in a single woman's event. I agree with that. [Hank]: Slalom. ... Not in men's but women's. ... women's slalom turns are not that hard.

A human will eventually break the nine-second mark in the 100-meter dash

You never know. You know what I mean? For me, the possibility... now even our babies actually came out with new slides that helps you to actually run faster. So you never know what's next... Maybe one of my sons has [already been born].

Race walking is the most metal sport in the Olympics

I think I've actually changed my tune on race walking... because it is the funniest looking sport by far, but it's insane. The dude that is the best in the world at it... he was just shitting himself during the race... his body just gave up. It's actually the most metal sport.

Gable Steveson is the next Kurt Angle

Gable Stevenson, who's a Barstool athlete... that was incredible. The backflip, fucking legend. He's the next Kurt Angle, I think.

Italian sprinter Lamont Jacobs 100% used steroids to win Olympic gold

Did [Lamont Jacobs] do it? Yeah, 100%. If you look at his Instagram photos from him like two years ago, he's like rail thin. And then if you look at him now, he's like kind of jacked.

Olympic runners are breaking world records because there are no fans to suck the oxygen out of the stadium

If there's no crowd at all, does that mean that there's more oxygen for the people to breathe on the track? ... They're sucking all the oxygen out normally, but when there's no fans there, it's a richer environment for especially distance runners to be able to breathe more efficiently.

Most distance runners don't reach their peak performance until they are 30 years old

I'm 27 and most people get real good at running when they're like 30. Why is that? The Kenyan guy could be 45 and know it, but there's a guy from Norway that's 19. That's crazy. So you do have another chance. You're going to have another chance.

The mile world record set in the 1990s was likely fueled by heavy steroid use

The mile world record is three minutes and 44 seconds. The dude with the mile world record right now is so juiced up and liked the 1990s that drug testing—I mean, no one dopes anymore, but this dude was just literally coursing with steroids.

The Olympics should have a separate division for athletes who are permitted to use performance-enhancing drugs

I think we should have world records for steroid users. Like we really should see how far—we should have regular world records, and then world records of how far can the human body be pushed with help of steroids, right? Humans would just become like a horse.

Olympic fencing should use sharper swords to make it more dangerous

I think they should have sharper swords and fencing. Like give me an element of danger. It should be death, death, death, but like maiming.

The Olympic shooting competition should ban specialized gear and mirrors

When you shoot in the rifle competition, you have like, you look like a cyborg. It looks like you're wearing Google glass and like a mirror over your eye and all the shit. And that to me should go. Also, if you're shooting a rifle, there's no need to bring a mirror into the situation. You have a gun, and then you have a target and that's it.

I could medal in curling because I like cleaning

My first pick is going to be curling. I think if you just gave me four years, I could figure it out every single day. I like shuffleboard, I like ice, I like being slightly overweight... and broom guy, the broom guy seems like it's like—I love cleaning.

I could medal in pole vaulting if I trained for four years

I will go with pole vaulting. You just run, stick the stick... All you got to do is run straight and get the timing down. I'm going to be jacked by August.

I could medal in Equestrian sports because the horse does the work

This one, you actually don't have to be athletic at all, but a question in sports... you can train a horse, you don't actually have to be that good. ... It's new team names. The horse does the work.

I could medal in Olympic ski jumping by just going 'full send' once

I'm going to go with ski jumping. I'll just bomb it once and just go full send... and just land and crash and I'll have the longest one. ... I can stand perfectly still for about 10 seconds while I'm going downhill... and then you just do like one of those little springs at the last second.

A US handball team with me, LeBron, and Patrick Mahomes would win Olympic gold

I guarantee we can put a team together. We can win gold. Just, just from pure like arm speed. I don't think guys in other countries and just a really big guy as the goalie back. Right. If you watch it, I mean, I've studied this from time to time... I think if it was you, Patrick Mahomes, and LeBron just how many players play and handle like eight on a shirt all the time. So it was you three against eight players from any other country. I think we went, I think we, I guarantee we can put a team together. We can win gold.

Jay Cutler is 'insane' to think he could win a handball gold medal in three months

He is insane. He cannot win an Olympic medal training two or three months. You have the potential to be amazing athletes and compete at a high level, but when you want to cook that food, you need the technique... It takes time to be able to be a professional and very good handball player. In the short term, it's impossible. In the long term, it takes years.

Tim Howard could become a world-class handball goalkeeper within one year

If we had Tim Howard playing goalkeeper on our team, I feel like he could become a world-class handball goalkeeper within a year because he's got all the technique right there.

American athletes are superior to Europeans in every sport

I think just for the record, if Europe's listening to me, America has superior athletes to Europeans. That's just a fact. We just do. Every single one of them is better than every European in every sport that any European has tried to play.

The Russian curler using performance-enhancing drugs proves curlers are taking it seriously

one of the Russian athletes got busted for using drugs and it was a curler... So curlers are now taking performance enhancing drugs. Well, it's Russia. Adderall... you have to dope if you're in Russia.

Winter Olympics athletes aren't that impressive; you just have to be born in the right place

The Winter Olympics are definitely the Olympics where you can sit there and if you watch it long enough, you can convince yourself you could have been an athlete in every single sport. It's not hard. It's just essentially like if you were born in a weird European country and they didn't have basketball yet, you would be a speed skater.

Michael Phelps is definitely coming out of retirement for the Tokyo Olympics

Does anyone actually think that Michael Phelps isn't racing in Tokyo? The guy can't go a year without having to get into a race with a great white shark, and this is the guy who's retired? He's definitely going to race in Tokyo.

Europe is on the hot seat for being off its game across all sports

My hot seat, I've got the entire country of Europe. Europe has been off its game. They can't win at the Olympics. They can't win at the Ryder Cup. They lost England.

The Ryan Lochte robbery incident in Rio is like the worst Jason Bourne movie of all time

Since it's swimming, we get to watch this play out like the worst Jason Bourne movie of all time.

Swimming is not a sport; it is just a struggle to keep breathing

How soft does [Danny Kanell] think that you are because you're a swimmer and basically you just – you don't drown, like I say – Swimming is not a sport. It's just trying to keep breathing.

Michael Phelps is the all-time best Olympic champion

But it was a great performance. Michael Phelps, all-time best Olympic champion. I think we can safely say that, right?

I could win an Olympic silver medal in a swimming relay if I was on a team with Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, and Connor Dwyer

If you put me with Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, and Connor Dwyer, and we do the four-person 200 meters, I think we at least take silver.

Olympic swimming is a fringe sport that doesn't deserve the level of excitement it receives from announcers

Anyone who gets that excited for a fringe sport like swimming – You're okay in my book. Like, you either have to go all in and just crazy, crazy, crazy, like Rowdy Gaines, or... [announcers] Basically orgasming for an entire night while he watches the same exact swimming races with just varying distances.

Water polo and men's field hockey are the two worst sports in the world

little bone to pick water polo and field hockey men's field hockey those are the two worst sports in the world um why well water polo you talk about drowning they literally just i mean they're treading water and they're trying not to drown the entire time

In 50 years, Michael Phelps will look like an old-fashioned offense as swimmers evolve into creatures with pool-length arms and tiny torsos

In like 50 years, we're going to look back at Michael Phelps the way that we look at the old Notre Dame offenses in football where they just run the ball straight forward. It'll just be a guy that's got arms that are the length of the pool and like a tiny little torso, and you'll dive in, and you just slap both sides back and forth.

Ryan Lochte should lean into his gas station incident by getting a gun sponsorship

If I'm Lochte, I think it's pretty simple actually. If I'm Lochte, I get sponsored by a gun company because you're not going to get held up if you've got a gun. I've got like some catchphrases already... Lochte and loaded.

Michael Phelps is the greatest Olympian of all time

Michael Phelps, the greatest Olympian of all time.

LeBron James would be the best of all time in any Olympic sport he chose

Could LeBron James dominate this sport? And the answer is always yes. If LeBron decided not to play basketball and instead was a swimmer or a high diver or a handball player or a soccer player, he'd probably be the best of all time.

The 2016 Olympics Russians got away with systematic doping

The Russians got away scot-free. So the IOC said, OK, we know your whole country had systematic doping for the last 20 years, so we're just going to ban the track and field team... they banned the track and field team, but anybody else from Russia is allowed to compete. So there you go.