I am going to make pooping your pants as an adult socially acceptable

None of it comes even close to what I'm trying to accomplish when it comes to making pooping your pants as an adult not something to be ashamed of. I'm a 31-year-old man. I make mistakes just like you... If this happens to you, don't be ashamed. I'm here for you. I want to give a voice to the voiceless, the grown adults out there.

Lionel Messi is afraid of killing everyone in Argentina because he chokes so much

Messi's afraid of killing everybody in Argentina because he chokes so much. So he's doing the right thing and dropping out. And I'd like to see players in the U.S. start to drop out for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones.

Lionel Messi lacks the clutch gene and is likely a relative of Nazi Josef Mengele

I think that Messi might be a relative of a Nazi because a lot of them went to Argentina after the war to try to escape. Now, there was a doctor [Josef Mengele]... He was unable to uncover the clutch gene and isolate it. And that's why, you know, like Hitler, if he had had the clutch gene, he probably wouldn't have choked... Mingel moved to South America, had sex with an Argentinian. A few years later you get [Messi].

I could still run for 500 to 600 yards in an NFL season today

Maybe I can put up, I don't know, 500, 600 yards, something like that for the season. ... At 50, I feel like I could run maybe a 4.5, 4.6 [40-yard dash], you know?

I can no longer dunk on a 10-foot basketball hoop

Not at the moment, no. I don't think I could dunk a 10-foot goal. I'm sorry, man... I've tried to touch the rim. So if you can't touch the rim, then you probably can't dunk. No, I can't. I can't touch it.