J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world

J.J. Watt is the most basic white bitch in the world now. It's official. This is birthday week. [He] wants you to think that he's Rocky training for Ivan Drago and pushing logs up a snowy hill all winter [but] he's got a mansion in Wisconsin with a Starbucks five miles away.

Birthdays are only for girls once you turn 20 years old

Birthdays are for chicks now, right? Like after you turn 20 years old, birthdays are for chicks. Hand over your man card, JJ [Watt]. Birthdays aren't men's stuff anymore.

A nose tackle is the best job in the NFL

I would love to be a nose tackle in the NFL because your job description is like eat as much shit as you want, as long as you can stand up and just not fall over backwards from your own girth. Just be so big that it takes two people to touch you at the same time.

Duke is the best team in the country and it would be an all-time failure if they don't win the title

This is the best team in the country. It would be an all time epic failure if Duke doesn't win the national title. They are the first time I believe that a team has reached plus 40 in Ken Palm since 1999. Duke... This team has it all.

Duke not winning the national title would be the most consequential sports story of all time

I think it would be the biggest sports story of all time. If Duke did not win the national title this year. All time. I think all time story... Duke not winning at all this year would be the biggest, the most consequential sports story of all time. Not our lifetimes of all time.

Arizona's Tommy Lloyd is a candidate to choke in March because he is a Mark Few disciple

Tommy Lloyd being a Mark Few disciple, even though Arizona is really, really, really good. Yeah. I'm just like, that guy's getting choke in March.