Collecting signatures is objectively weird and has been replaced by the selfie

I don't think that as a society, we talk enough about the fact that collecting signatures is just fucking weird. Yeah. It is. Especially if you have a picture and you're like, 'Hey, can you write your name on the, on this picture that I have of you?'... I do think that the selfies have taken the place of it, which is a hundred percent, way more meaningful.

Ben Simmons' claim that playing with Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant would be 'scary' meant he was literally scared to play

[Ben Simmons] said, quote, 'It's going to be scary.' So I actually think he was correct about this. He was talking about, he was just expressing his emotions. He was like, 'I'm scared to play. I'm scared to play basketball.'

Dan Orlovsky will do a one-on-one sit-down interview with Deshaun Watson to teach him how to 'not be horny'

I think that we are going to get a, one-on-one sit down interview with Dan Orlovsky and Deshaun Watson. And he is going to set him straight on how to not be horny... Dan Orlovsky, according to his rules, it would be like, 'Deshaun, don't ever go to a room by yourself. Don't ever be in the same room as a woman.'

Betting the over on Alabama basketball is a cheat code

Alabama by the way is a cheat code if you want to get in on it. It's just betting their overs. They just never stopped missing. This has been like, oh, two weeks now they're over under for the first half was 45 and a half points last night. They scored 69 in the first half.

I am offering a $10,000 bounty to find the UNC staffer who punched a Duke staffer

I will not sleep until we find this UNC staffer who punched one of your guys... Let's put a bounty on it. I will offer $5,000. [PFT]: I'll match. [Big Cat]: $10,000 if anyone can find the UNC person who punched a Duke staffer after the game. $10,000 cash. Give us the footage leading to their arrest.

Tua Tagovailoa's market value is non-existent relative to his contract

Everything's on the table for the Dolphins. Tua could be a fullback. What would you... What do you think the Dolphins would say yes to for a trade for Tua? Like a sixth round pick for Tua? A jugs machine? I don't know what the hell would Tua's market be?