An alien invasion would be a blessing in disguise because it would unify Earth against a common enemy

I actually think that this could be a blessing in disguise for Earth. Because it's like Earth has been in training camp with each other for the last, like, 2,000 years... And now all of a sudden we've got an enemy to play against. It's fun hitting somebody else, right?

The US military is faking alien news to distract Donald Trump and steal NASA's funding

The military saw how good NASA was at holding [Trump's] attention... they're like, this president fucking loves aliens and loves space. And they're getting... NASA's shine is getting too bright right now. We want a slice of that pie. And so now they're trying to distract him... they're like, fuck it. We're going to make up some aliens and we're going to pretend that there's a war because there's nothing more than Donald Trump wants.

Dry, crisp cookies are better than soft, soggy cookies

I'd rather dry with a crisp than soft, like a wet, soft, soggy cookie in my mouth.

Fanatics and Nike failed American fans by not producing enough USA hockey jerseys after the gold medal win

My Hot Seat: Fanatics and Nike... They thought that Canada was gonna win the gold, so they just did not make enough USA jerseys. And so by the time USA won the gold, they were already sold out. It's disgusting. Drop the ball.

Heat 2 will be a 'disgusting' (great) film starring Christian Bale and Leonardo DiCaprio

My Cool Throne: Heat 2. Christian Bale. Leonardo DiCaprio. Disgusting film. Hell yes. I trust Jake Hamilton. He reported it. Christian Bale, Leo DiCaprio, Heat 2. I'm in. Awesome.

Jacob Bridgeman's wife is wrong; he is a better golfer than he is a person

Jacob Bridgeman... there was a clip on PGA tour posted from his wife that said he is a better person than he is a golfer. Not true. Not true, dude. You just won a PGA Tour tournament... You're a top 50 golfer alive right now. You're not top 50 human beings. Sorry buddy.