The Chicago Bears are for real

The Bears are for real. Never meant to make Cam Newton cry. See his outfit. What a real weird guy. John Fox has his team playing John Fox football, which means he takes his [team] back to a time before the forward pass existed.

Millennials are ruining football because their brittle bones are not breastfed long enough

It's millennials that are ruining football, but with their brittle little bones, they're not breastfed until a proper age, and so they all get hurt.

The Atlanta Falcons are officially pretenders

The Falcons are pretenders. They are officially in the pretenders pile. You know what's great, too, is I think they started like 2-0 and everyone was like, see, told you, the Falcons do not have a Super Bowl hangover. Now you see them. They are mentally just broken.

The Detroit Pistons are moving in the right direction despite their Game 7 loss

The progression of the Pistons along the way is like, what were they, two years ago? They won like 16 or 18 games. They were so bad. Last year they had competitive series against The Knicks. Then this year, the natural progression from that is, let's take the regular season super seriously. Let's win all the games that we can get a high seed... I would say the totality of this season, we're still going the right direction in Detroit.

I will renounce my American citizenship and become French if the Canadiens win the Stanley Cup

I will renounce American citizenship and become French if the Canadiens win the Stanley Cup this year... I'll probably need somebody to come and hang out with me and... the south of France is nice.

Patrick Reed is the first PAWG in the history of professional golf.

Patrick Reed, let me tell you, I think he might be the first PAWG golfer. He is. He's thick as hell. Like he was filling out. He also wears... the tight pants... he looks like early era Meghan Trainor... He bends over. He's like, ooh.