I am officially retired from competitive eating

I retired from competitive eating. After these past three ELLs, I just want to eat regular sized portions. Please respect my decisions.

Gonzaga will never make it back to a Final Four

Gonzaga is like, I don't think they'll be back. I'm sure they have great recruits and everything, but damn, that's a [loss]. That's never going to get to a Final Four.

Coach K will lose the game immediately after his 100th career tournament victory

Of course [Coach K] is going to get to 100. He's probably going to lose the next game so he can walk away with exactly a hundred clean wins, just straight up three figures.

Garrett Bolles should catch a pass before he retires

I want to be able to bet on Garrett Bolles to have one reception in every game. Because I feel like Sean Payton is going to try to get him that touch. He definitely will because he doesn't want him to retire as the guy who never touched the ball.

The Eagles' offense might be better without A.J. Brown

I actually think that the offense might be better without A.J. Brown.

The Chargers should eliminate their kicking game and go for it every time

The Chargers should just not have a punter. They should not have a kicker. They shouldn't even have like a long snapper on the team. Use those positions on somebody else and you're just—burn the boats. You're just going for it all the time. Fuck it. Who cares? Right? Season's over. Might as well try to score some points.