Takes

One of the best parts of getting old is being able to get away with light shoplifting.

Light shoplifting. Just a little bit of light shoplifting. Some of it, when you're old you can kind of just walk out with shit. And people aren't gonna get mad at you. ... Oh, I didn't know. I, I put the, that candy bar in there. ... Whoops.

I can't wait to use a handicapped parking spot when I'm old

Handicapped parking. I can't wait to fucking do it... Primo spots. Oh, I always pass it. I'm like, obviously don't want, I'm very thankful to be able to be able, but if you're old, that's a good, that's a good deal.

One of the best things to look forward to when you're old is watching your enemies die.

Watching your enemies die. I got some enemies that I wouldn't hate seeing die. ... and like the older you get, the better chance you have to watch them die.

If you have to light yourself on fire for a trick, it's not cool enough

If you have to light yourself on fire, the trick's not cool enough to start with.

I will bear-hug and kiss my dad on the lips on the Hall of Fame stage

I will on the stage, man. I'll hold him down. It's five years after you play so he probably won't have enough strength. I will bear hug him and I would kiss him on the lips. A big wet kiss.

Glow-in-the-dark skeleton pajamas are the 'good suits' of pajamas

But you also have glow in the dark pajamas. Those are, those aren't regular pajamas. Those are the good suits of pajamas.

The dream life is having your biggest problem be a spilled Dr. Pepper while gaming

I'm jealous of this. Like you were, you were describing like, obviously I love my kids. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but like for a minute I would love to just be like, oh man, my biggest issue tonight is I spill my Dr. Pepper while gaming in my pajamas. That's a good night, dude.

Riding a bike as an adult is overrated compared to being good at golf

Guess what? Riding a bike. Overrated When you become adult. Golf is way more useful. Like I would trade being able to ride a bike for being able to golf well instantly.

Quitting a job you hate is the best feeling in the world

Our last pick, we're gonna take quitting. No better feeling. Quitting is so satisfying. It's the best feeling. If you ever quit a job you don't like, best fucking feeling in the world.

Complaining while doing a difficult job is a form of grit

The more grit you have, sometimes you just have to complain your way through it. But you still do it, right? ... I think it'd be gritty going on vacation and just complaining and hating vacation. That is actually a very gritty thing to do.

You should never eat salad because salads are killers.

Don't eat salad. Salads are killers. [Dustin May] almost died. He choked on a salad, went down the wrong pipe... then he had Tommy John right after that. Happy he is with us. Don't eat salad.

Planet Earth needs an alien invasion to unite humanity

I've said that about wars and aliens. I think Planet Earth could use a good alien invasion because we're sick of beating each other up. It would unite us. We're sick of hitting each other. We wanna take out [the aliens].

Grit is the ability to not care what happens to you and just keep going.

Grit is, I would say, you know it when you see it. It's the ability basically to not care what happens to you and just keep going... What doesn't kill me doesn't bother me. Like think about it—I'm not dead. You can't bother me. You can't get to me. I think that's the definition of grit.

The only way to win at gambling is to bet money lines on favorites

Gambling on sports is the only way to win. But you have to bet the money line... where you only gonna win cents on the dollar. Because teams always win. They just never cover.

Toronto is the best city in the world

Toronto's the best city in the world easily. Chicago summers are the second best. Those are my two favorite places in the world.

Reading is dumb

I think that this book we're dumb and books are dumb reading's. Dumb.

A toe is the best body part to injure if you have to pick one

I would say though that if you were to pick one body part on your body to be injured, it's probably your toe.

I will never be a better person than I am a golfer

I definitely fall short as a person... I think that's shit. I mean, it's like... I would say I have plenty of room to improve on the person front and, and definitely plenty of room and room to improve as a golfer as well. [Big Cat: There's no way you'll ever be a better person than golfer]. Yeah, I think that's, that's a fair option.

Cutting dairy from my diet cured my chronic knee pain in three weeks

I was having knee issues and I was... I needed to make some adjustments... I told myself, I'm gonna do it [go dairy free] for a month... probably about three weeks into it, honestly, I felt so much better. My body just felt fresher... I attributed it to the lack of dairy at the time.

I am officially retiring from participating in physical sports challenges

My fire fest is pretty simple. My body is broken. I'm, I'm too old for some of this shit. I did tweet that I was thinking about retirement, like not retirement from like this show, but retirement from our physical challenges. We played, we did six hour stream on Tuesday night... softball on Wednesday... oh my god, I can't walk right now. I think I need to retire from sports. I need to be a walking guy.

George Kittle and Kyle Long are the two athletes most likely to accidentally injure you during horseplay

The two guys that I will always say that, when you are around them, whether it be drinking or just being around them and you're worried about maybe a little bit of wrestling and horseplay that will get you very, very injured: it's George Kittle and Kyle Long. Both those guys, I'm just like, I'm always just kind of ready to be tackled and have all my insides ripped up.

The World Series of Poker should embrace its bad boy William Kass to save the game from 'robot' players

The World Series of Poker is gonna do the opposite thing that they should do. They should embrace this guy because these type of people... you need personalities. You need people that are aggravating. You don't need people who are robots who are playing by an algorithm and just going through it.

Hearing people describe their poker beats is more boring than hearing people describe their dreams

I actually think that hearing people describe their poker beats might be more boring than hearing people describe their dreams.

Opening Counter-Strike skin cases is officially back

My who's back of the week is going to be Counterstrike cases specifically opening them... They went CS:GO case unboxings, $590,000 in cases they unboxed. Unprecedented territory is what we're approaching there.

Disney World with kids is the absolute worst place in the world to be violently hungover

Disney World with kids would be hell on earth. Because then you actually actively have to parent and chase them around and worry about where they're being and stand in lines and eat gross food. I actually don't think that there's, I've never been to Disney World as a kid or an adult, but I think that might be the worst place in the world.

First dates should always start with drinks as a 'solos match' before committing to more

I was thinking we, we could run, we could run drinks if she's open to that. I like that Max, easy. Just happy hour. A few drinks. Nothing crazy. Maybe just one drink. We'll start with one drink. And then if it's good, then you go two.

Construction workers are the groundwork of civilization and deserve more credit

So much infrastructure to the entire, everything that we do. This building, all of our homes, all, all of the establishments we go to. I mean, it's everywhere. The groundwork of civilization, all the construction workers is deserve so much credit.

Sports fandom is forged in tragedy, not triumph

it's about fandom... and really what it's about is about community and a community forged in tragedy because there can be only one at the end of each year in any, in every and any sport. And so there's something really beautifully human about that, that, that we are not forged in triumph. We're forged in tragedy.

Football is not a breakfast sport; it is a beer sport meant for the afternoon and evening

Everything's just two nights in a row. ... I don't like the idea of waking up and having breakfast while football's coming up. Football is not a breakfast sport. Tennis is a breakfast sport. Golf can be a breakfast sport. ... Football is a beer sport.

Modern alarm clocks have become too chill; we need irritating sounds like fire alarms to actually wake up

We gotta get back to making alarm clocks great again. Yeah. Because though, I, I need to have like the fire alarm sound. I need Max's hiccup. Hiccup. Yeah. To wake me up. I'm sorry about that. Yeah, that's okay. But like, I need, I need a grading irritating sound to wake me up. Alarm clocks have gotten way too chill with a nice, like gradual. The light ones. Yeah. That kinda like light up your room a little bit with sunlight. The ambient noise. Fuck that. Don't, that's, that's too new agey shit for me.

Jesus is the chillest bro of all time because he took a three-day nap

He's just the chillest guy of all time. Turn the other cheek. Try to, you know, bring world peace to the world. Dude, bro. Took a three day nap. How chill is that?

Lamar Jackson is a dream rotation choice to smoke weed with

You gotta put Lamar [Jackson] in the top tier, right? For sure. Lamar is absolutely the top tier of that. A hundred percent.

The 'Micro Retirement' trend is just Gen Z trying to rebrand regular vacations

There's a new fad for Gen Zers. It is called Micro Retirements. They involve taking a one to two week break from work every 12 to 18 months. They're basically just stealing [vacations]. It's also not enough. No, it's not enough. It's not enough. But that's, but you can't let them steal the word vacation. They're trying to change it to micro retirements. Yeah. That makes no sense. Yeah, it's crazy. They're trying to rebrand it.

Watching sports on the couch is better than being at the games

Honestly, getting to watch games on your couch is way better than being at the games usually anyways. sitting on your couch at home with your own snacks and your own food, it's awesome.

Joey Chestnut is a top five athlete of all time

I really do think that Joey Chestnut might be the greatest athlete of all time. I actually like broke it down... however you slice it, he's like top five athlete of all time.

Joey Chestnut would beat Usain Bolt in a mile race if they both had to eat a hot dog first

Usain Bolt has literally never run a mile in his entire life... I think it switches at a mile. I think Joey Chestnut beats him.

Brian Steele is the greatest defense attorney of all time

Brian Steele might just be the greatest defense attorney of all time... he has beat racketeering charges for his clients for the second time... Young Thug... Sean Combs.

It is embarrassing for a grown man to wear a bike helmet

You just can't, you just look like a fucking fool and you look like an idiot. Especially when you get off the bike and you're like, walking without the bike.

Getting hit in the head with a ball is always embarrassing regardless of the situation

Getting hit in the head with a ball, no matter how it happens, is always embarrassing. Like I'm saying, you could be playing catch it hits you in the head. That's very embarrassing. But even when we're playing hoops out here and like everyone's shooting around and you're not even looking and the ball hits you in the back of the head, you're embarrassed.

It's embarrassing for a person to use an umbrella even though it's better than getting wet

Holding an umbrella... even though it's obviously way better than being wet... there's something about holding an umbrella that just sucks.

Knowing how to train your throat muscles is more important for competitive eating longevity than being in your physical prime

I know my body so much better now. It, it's, it's ridiculous... I also know how to train muscles in my throat and to make 'em stronger so I can just keep swallowing the meat. It's not, I'm not gonna walk away. To be the man, you gotta beat the man.

Bratwurst has the worst physical aftermath of any competitive eating food

There's a couple that like, I know going in, they're gonna be rough. Like anything with bratwurst, bratwurst, man, there's, they add extra fat in there and it, it's, it's running through you. It, it, it, it's, you're not in control. It's there. There's, there's accidents bound to happen there.

I can eat two gallons of soft-serve ice cream in eight minutes

I'm thinking close to, close to two gallons worth. It'd be, it'd be like, so I did an ice cream contest and after the contest I was like shivering because I was so, like, it was like everything was cold. So I, I think close to two gallons would be in, in about eight minutes.

If I have 50 hot dogs consumed at the five-minute mark of the Nathan's contest, 77 hot dogs for the record is a lock

If I'm at 50 hot dogs in five minutes, that, that, that's almost a lock. That, that, that means I have five minutes left. All I have to do is average just over five and a half hot dogs a minute. And then I, then I'm there.

You should always go reckless in Dungeons and Dragons

When people that I run games for among the Awls, I ask them if they're going reckless. They always say, of course, like Norm. Yeah, I gotta go reckless. You gotta go reckless because they look up to Norm. I think 100% it, you gotta always go reckless. 100%.

Over 270 Awls have played the 'Dragon of Mount Spear Top' Dungeons and Dragons adventure

I have run this adventure in particular for 45 different groups of awls over the course of the last year. And that is a total of 274 Awls. That's awesome. We're out there. They're listening right now and they are judging your every move.

There is nothing hotter than asking for consent twice

As long as there's consent, right? ... After I have consent I definitely ask for consent. 'cause there's nothing hotter.

In a Dungeons and Dragons party, you should prioritize healing the tank over less important team members

If you're fighting a war and you've got a tank and your tank is missing a tread and then there's like one guy over in the corner that hasn't done shit, hasn't killed anybody, and he's like, got the flu, are you gonna spend your time fixing the guy that's got the flu or the tank that's missing a tread?

Zac is the most selfish Dungeons and Dragons player for healing himself over the team

The most selfish player award goes to Zac. Absolutely... Crazy because if you had healed to any of us, we probably would've beaten the dragon... All fucked up.

Eating raw meat can lead to a psychotic break, as evidenced by the Liver King's recent behavior

Did you guys see that [the Liver King] was arrested for terroristic threats? Telling Joe Rogan that we're gonna drive to the house, maybe two to the chest, one to the head... I would just like to say don't eat raw meat because of that's what can happen. You can have a psychotic break.