Takes

A fake kidnapping is the only way to find out if a rookie is 'ride or die'

You gotta fake kidnap your boys if you wanna make sure that they ride or die... it's a simple question of: do I like this kid? And the only way to find out is you go down the line and it's fake kidnapping with a real gun on video.

Doing work is more fulfilling than pursuing girls

Doing work lasts longer and more fulfilling. Took me 35 years to figure it out... Fact confirmed. Doing girls very cool, but doing work lasts longer and more fulfilling.

100 dedicated humans could easily defeat one gorilla in a fight

I think a hundred friends could be one gorilla. Everybody just gotta be dedicated to the shit. And that sparked a debate across the internet... I am firmly of the belief that a hundred people could easily be go a fight.

The first SB2K spring break trip was better than the second one

The first one was better. It was 2016 because it was our first time and it was, I felt like the, the next year we went like we wanted to do it, but it was, it felt like we like had to... It took away the, the fun of the, you know, the debauchery of a, of a boys trip of just playing golf and just, you know, drinking beers the whole time.

Having a stomach bug is one of the worst things that can happen to a human

Getting the stomach bug is by far the worst thing that can possibly happen to a human I think. Cancer, I feel like stomach bug's gotta be up there. Just kidding, just kidding... you feel like you're dying though. It's terrible.

The 'Rule of 5' is the mandatory limit for a group dinner to be productive

Rule of five, no dinners more than five people. I will maybe sometimes allow a sixth if it's somebody's spouse... I want everybody at the table to hear the other people. If I go to a dinner and there's four of us and they call back later and say we're adding people, I'm like 'okay, you guys have fun. I'll go someplace else.'

I am significantly better than Hank at 16-inch softball

I am definitely so much better than Hank at 16-inch softball... I guarantee you. I can slap singles. I'm faster than Hank.

Mouth tape leads to more restful sleep

I'm a mouth tape guy now. I do feel more rested with mouth tape. It just forces you to breathe out your nose.

Kidney stone pain is worse than childbirth

Also, the doctor again for the second time told me that this pain is worse than childbirth. Which I will not be saying to any women, but it's true... I've given birth to like 13 kidney stones. I'm as tough as Philip Rivers' wife.

It is not gay to take a shower in a gym locker room after a workout

I finally look up, I'm like, is he yelling at me? And he's staring at me... 'bro, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is this gay shit, bro, you gonna shower?'... I really do. I love Joey Swoll. Love his content. He's the best. Joey, I need you to weigh in on this. Am I outta line? Should, should. Is it gay as shit to shower after you work out?

Cliff Kingsbury buying a one-way ticket to Thailand is the horniest move an adult male can make

I just keep thinking to myself like, this is the place that Cliff Kingsbury bought a one-way ticket to. I think that's the horniest move that an adult male can do. Is to buy a one-way ticket to Thailand.

Big men everywhere start dreading April because they lose the ability to hide under sweatshirts

We're getting to t-shirt weather. Do we have a plan? The first nice day where it's 70 degrees and you hold onto the sweatshirt and you're like, 'this is uncomfortable.' And you realize I'm gonna have to start wearing a t-shirt. It's the worst feeling in the world. I forgot that I couldn't just wear a sweatshirt for the entire year.

Hammocks are more afraid of you than you are of them

Hammocks are more afraid of you than you are of them. My take is that that's a fact. Some of us aren't pussies and it's extreme sports. It's like extreme sleeping. Big Mattress is trying to steer you away from hammocks. Anytime somebody dies in a hammock, it becomes a big news story like a shark attack.

Hammocks are the most overrated thing in the world

I have a hammock take they suck. Most overrated thing in the world... It's thinking about getting out of a hammock. Getting out of a hammock sucks... They're uncomfortable. You're not taking naps in the hammock.

Nice furniture does not belong outside

Nice furniture should not be outside... the maintenance is not worth the comfort. It's fucking outdoors.

Borgs (Blackout Rage Gallons) are ratchet

My other, who's back of the week is... Borg. Blackout rage gallon. Foul... I've seen... people name 'em and stuff... it's so ratchet.

The sun was switched out 40 years ago for a new, worse sun

I found guys... that think that actually this is a different sun that was, that we switched the sun out like 40 years ago and it's the new sun and it's worse for you... I gotta do some more research on the new sun guys.

Most women believe that all men are naturally capable of dunking a basketball

My fiance just asked me with a straight face. When was the first time I dunked. She just assumed throughout our entire relationship I've been dunking... hubs is probably about my height. And he's bringing to light the, the fact that a lot of women just think that all men can dunk.

The Audi Q3 is a 'chick car'

I don't care. You're drive. Drive your Audi outta here lady. Get your ass outta here... [Hank drives an Audi] ...She was like a Q3 thinking like she's big time. [Is that a chick car?] Great. On gas. Let's put it that way. Yeah. That's the chick car.

You can change an entire nation's perception of you just by knowing ball

Timothy Chalamet's proof that you can change an entire nation's perception of you by knowing Ball. If Osama Bin Laden would've declared his love for Miami Ohio's football program, we would've been like, you know, we can always just rebuild those towers.

Brown toilets should be more popular because they hide stains better

Say no Brown's kitchen. Every toilet's brown, brown toilets should be more popular. You hide the stains easy. He, he like, you should be like, listen honey, we'll do every toilet in this house Browns.

Prospects are defined by how they handle the biggest adversity they've faced

The best thing... is, hey, what's the biggest adversity you faced and how did you bounce back from it? I'm such a big believer just based on the course of things that have occurred... that even though the most challenging moments, they felt like the worst thing when you're in 'em, you look back on 'em and you're saying, I don't know where I would be without what those lessons and those tough times taught me.

Going 5-12 in 2022 was the best thing that ever happened to me professionally

The best thing in these eight years that's happened to me, it was going five and 12 in 2022. Like it really was because of what that force. Like I had to get my ass broken down and really exposed on a public level where you're really saying like, all right, some of these insecurities you have now, you can't hide from 'em and you're either gonna handle it the way that you would want to advise your son or you're gonna run away from it.

I will be the governing owner of Jerry O'Connell's fantasy football team in name only

Governing owner in name only? That sounds fair to me... Blame me [if he is fired]. Everybody else does.

You cannot get mad at your partner for what appears in their Instagram algorithm

You can't get mad at technology. Right. Max, what is yours? ... I curate it like if I see if I pass by tits because you gotta click on it that way you get more tits... It's technology. The phones are smarter than we are.

My Instagram algorithm is 80% golf and 20% tits

It's like 80% golf. No, there's some, there's some, there's some tits mixed in, but mostly golf.

Lactose intolerance is a fake condition that everyone actually has

Lactose intolerant... that's fake. It's as fake as fake gets. No, it's fake. Everyone's lactose intolerant. If I eat too much ice cream, my tummy hurts. Am I lactose intolerant? So everyone is.

Michigan is the shittiest state in the United States

Oh, that's the shittiest state. You guys own that? Michigan sucks. Really? Michigan sucks. If you have no other 49 states to go to.

A 2032 asteroid will likely hit the Earth and specifically ruin a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl run

My fire fest of the week is that there's an asteroid heading towards Earth. It's scheduled to hit the planet potentially in 2032. This tells me this has like Brown Super Bowl run written all over it. And the asteroid shows up.

We are currently in the worst three weeks of the sports calendar

I believe that we are in the worst three weeks of the sports calendar. ... It's these two to three weeks where we haven't gotten to March Madness. Because then once we get to March Madness, then it's Masters, then it's NBA and NHL playoffs. ... I think these are the worst two to three weeks of the entire year. Right now.

The era of working from home is over

Working from home's done. I'm gonna say he's right. ... I fundamentally, I understand working from home is awesome for a lot of people, but I do think that you lose... the younger generation is gonna lose out. ... Not working with other people and having the coalescence of ideas... you will lose out.

Booing national anthems in sports creates healthy bad blood

I'm fine with it. I like the fact that they, that there's some bad blood there. Like for a while. USA Canada, we've been buddy buddy... but to like actually drum up some hate for your opponent, I think is really good. It's awesome.

A Dungeons and Dragons player who shapeshifts into an animal too early cannot be trusted

If you morph into something else already, how can you be trusted? Right. It's not even, especially if it's not even known yet. [I need to] fit in with like the rest of the crowd.

There is nothing more satisfying than killing NPCs that you cannot normally kill over the internet

And nothing more satisfying than getting to kill people that we can't normally kill over the internet. Yes. Suck my dick, Poopy Stinks.

Turtles are annoying, talk down to others, and think they are in on something when they are not

There's something about it, a turtle that they do things in a way that is just really annoying to others. And I felt that annoyance within myself... They're also dumb and they think that they're in on something when they're really not.

It takes two years for a wrist ligament injury to return to full mobility

Whenever you have a ligament injury, your joint is gonna take around two years to get all the mobility back and everything that you feel like you need.

I am officially going to learn how to dunk a basketball

I have a announcement for you guys. Ready for this? I think I'm gonna dunk. I think I'm gonna dunk. I've never dunked, but I think I'm gonna train in dunk.

Big Cat would have to lose a significant amount of weight to ever dunk

I hope you could too. You would have to lose a lot of weight. I know you're not going, you're don't. I would, don't put a time.

I would want to live to 102 if I owned an NFL team

Unless I own an NFL team, then I do [want to be 102]... Owning an FL team would be sick though. Like, you don't want to die if you're owning an NFL team.

Secretariat was definitely doing steroids

That fucking horse was doing steroids... I was just trying to be funny about a horse taking steroids... Everybody in the world tweets donk at the same time.

I am a better athlete than Hank at everything

I just have to come to the realization, I'm just a better athlete than [Hank] at everything... I'm mad at myself hand up accountability. I'm just better at than Hank at everything Hand up.

Getting old is primarily about 'giving less of a fuck'

I think the number one thing is giving less of a fuck. That's the number one thing with age that is so much better. Where it's like, I don't start dressing better, but it's like, I don't care. I got kids. I got a good life. I don't give a fuck.

Sports should normalize a 24-hour window for sore losers to act out

I think we need to normalize more like bad losers. Like let 'em, let 'em be sore losers for a minute... I think we should have like a 24-hour hour shock clock for big games fans and, and players alike that anything they, they should be able to say whatever they want and it shouldn't count long term.

Wooly Mammoths will be cloned and brought back from extinction

My who's back of the week is Wooly Mammoths... There's a company called Colossal Biosciences and they just raised $200 million... to bring back and clone wooly mammoths... Willie Mammoths might be back soon.

Minnesota is one of the most cursed sports cities in the country

Minnesota fans listening to this right now, you guys deserve credit for being one of the most cursed sports cities out there. The last time they were in a championship round was 1991 with the twins. They've had some really, really, like, they, the problem with the Minnesota sports is they're actually like good, but they're never good enough to win. And they haven't had a title in whatever it's Yeah. 30 years and they have all four major teams.

The Super Bowl marks the official end of winter

I'm keeping [the Christmas trees] up till after the Super Bowl. Super Bowl is the end of winter, as far as I'm concerned. That's the end of our season... that's the sign of spring to me.

I will read one entire book in 2025

I'm also gonna read a book. I haven't read a book in a decade. I'm gonna read a book... read with my two eyes. It might take me the entire year. I'm going to fucking do it. I feel it.

Speakeasies should be illegal to be authentic

I don't think that there should be speakeasies unless they're actually like illegal places where you can like smoke inside and like, it's against the law. That's what a speakeasy should be... It's stolen valor. If I look at your wall and you have your health department grade on the wall, [it's not a speakeasy].

Pour-your-own-beer bars are a terrible trend

Another trend that I fucking hate bars I can't stand... the bars that have the like pour your own beers. I hate that shit... The whole point of going to a bar is have someone like, you get to sit down... you feel like you're playing laser tag or some shit. Sucks.

The government used illegal tracking technology to find Luigi Mangione and then planted evidence to cover it up

The government has technology that's illegal to use to track and find someone like Luigi [Mangione]... which they used illegally to find him. And then planted all the evidence. The McDonald's worker, the written manifesto to cover their tracks about the fact that they illegally... surveyed people. The McDonald's worker was a plant and that's why they're not gonna get paid.